JOKES

A woman golfer called her pro to say that she could not keep her lesson...the pro asked her why...and she explained that she got stung by a bee while playing golf..he asked her where...and she said between the first and second hole...and her pro said i guess that would make it hard on your stance....

Two television aerials get married.
The wedding itself was crap but the reception was great!!

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

There were three generations of prostitutes, a grandmother, a mother, and a daughter. The daughter walks into the house slamming the door behind her and says all pissed off "I can't believe this, I just got ten bucks for a blow job!"
The mother says "That's nothing, when I was younger we were lucky if we got five."
The grandmother waves a hand dismissing the two and says "Well, back in my day we were lucky just to get something warm in our stomachs. "

A recent poll asked women around the country if they would sleep with President Clinton.
70% said never again.
*** I got hold of a naughty animated cartoon of president Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, for obvious reasons i can't post it here. If you want to see it MAIL ME and i'll send it to you***

There is a girl in her bedroom and her father opens the door and see's her with a 10 inch dildo in her hand. He asks her what it's for and she says "You know dad, I'm pretty ugly and not very appealing to men at all and I have to get my pleasure somehow." So he just closes the door and leaves the room. One week later, the girl walks into the father,s den and see's him standing there with a drink in one hand and the 10 inch dildo in the other. She say's "Dad, what are you doing with that!" And the father say's "I'm having a drink with my son-in-law!"

There were two gentleman playing golf one sunny day, when a funneral service came passing by. The first genlteman stopped playing, took off his hat and placed it next to his chest. Well, the second gentlemen replied; "That has got to be the most respecting thing that I have ever seen you do". The first gentleman looked over to his friend and said, "We've been together for 30 years, I owed her that much".

Q. How does a teenage schoolboy propose marriage?
A. YOUR HAVING A WHAT !

Susie, who is 4 years old, comes down to breakfast one morning and says, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Her mother decides to give it to her straight, so she says, "Well, Susie, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they get married. Then they decide that they love each other so much that the man puts his penis in the lady's vagina, and nine months later, a baby comes out." Susie thinks about this for a few minutes, and says, "But Mommy, last night I got up to go tinkle, and when I looked in your bedroom, Daddy had his penis in your mouth. Is that where babies come from too?" And her mother says, "No Susie, that's where jewelry comes from."

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q. How can you spot a blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut.

Q. What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A. One is a Goodyear and the other is a GREAT year.

Q. Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A. Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q. What's a woman's asshole doing during orgasm?
A. He's out having a beer.

Q. What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
A. A rooster says, "C*ck a doodle doo!", a prostitute says,"Any c*ck 'ill do!"

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs is pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that HE has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, and has sex with them all. Then he brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, does each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes to again find the pigs still just standing around. "One more try," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drives hem out to the woods. He spends all day with the pigs and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

A hippie was riding a bus one day as it passes a convent and a nun boards the bus. The only seat was next to the hippie and directly behind the busdriver. The hipppie is stoned and makes a sexual pass at the nun. She is offended and gets off the bus at the next stop. The bus driver then tells the hippie he overheard the conversation and gives him some valuable info about the nun. The bus driver tells the hippie that that same nun goes to the cemetery and prays for the dead every Sunday at midnight. She is a very loyal nun. All the hippie needs to do is pose as God and tell her to have sex with him. The hippie is so wasted he actually tries it. It's midnight, Sunday and here comes the nun. Out pops the hippie as God and tells her what he wants. The nun agrees only under one condition. That it be anal sex because she doesn't want to lose her virginity and such. The hippie god agrees and they do their business. Gleeful he fooled the nun, he admits who he is as the hippie from the bus and dances around joyously. And so the nun starts laughing and dances around, too. Puzzled , the hippie comes to find out the nun was no nun afterall, but the bus driver from earlier.

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinkin... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

I was talking to a man at a bar the other day who looked depressed.
I asked him what was wrong, and he proceeded to tell me that he had found his wife in bed with his best friend.
"What did you do?" I asked.
"I beat the shit out of my old lady!" he said.
"What did you do to your best friend?" I asked.
"I dragged his ass outside, and said BAD DOG, BAD DOG!"

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes to find a solution to her problem, she decided it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came apon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said,
"Take off all your crothes and crawl real fass away from me across the froor".
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr.Chang said, "Now....you crawl real fass back to me",and she did.Dr.Chang shook his head and said,"You haf real bad case of Zachary Disease..... worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied...
"Zachary Disease....that when you face rook ZACHARY rike your ass!"

This trucker stoped to get gas something to eat. He saw a sigh in the window "contest:win $1,000,000" he asks the clerk about it and he said "go downstairs and in the basement there is an alligator with a bad tooth; pull it, then go upstairs and in the first door on the right there is an old lady in there; f*ck her until she moans then come down here and get the money"
The trucker said "OK" and went downstairs and about a half an hour later he comes up bloody and beaten and said "now where's the old lady with a bad tooth?"

This Famous German wrestling champion perfected what he called the "Pretzel Hold". This hold was famous for incapacitating anyone he would apply the hold to.
A huge match against the American Wrestling Champion was scheduled to begin shortly, and as the american and his coach were preparing, the american's coach set him down to talk. "Bill," he said, "whatever you do, don't let the German throw that awful pretzel hold on you, you might not survive it." "Sure thing, Coach" the American replied.
The match began and as soon as the bell sounded, the German ran accross the ring and immediately threw the American into the dreaded pretzel hold! The American Coach was frantic! He ran around the ring and finally found a towel to throw in to stop the match, when to his amazement, the American was up and wrestling again! The match went on and the American was victorious.
Afterwards, the coach had to ask "Bill, how in the hell did you get out of that pretzel hold, nobody has ever gotten out of that hold!" Bill replies "Well coach, when I was all tangled up with that German, I saw this pair of balls hanging in front of my face, so I just bit down on them with all my might and you know, It's amazing how fast you can move when you bite your own balls!"

Q. What do you call two Irish gays?
A. Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick!

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