HEADLINE HITCHES

FIRE OFFICIALS GRILLED OVER KEROSENE HEATERS
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
HIGH COURT TO HEAR MARIJUANA CASE
LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROUPOUTS CUT IN HALF
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
BAR HELPING ALCOHOLIC LAWYERS
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
MAN STEALS CLOCK, FACES TIME
STUD TIRES OUT
CLINTON WINDS UP BUDGET BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
ARSON SUSPECT HELD IN MASSACHUSETTS FIRE
AIR HEAD FIRED
DRUNK DRIVER GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDENT
NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABIES
TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
SEX EDUCATION DELAYED; TEACHERS REQUEST TRAINING
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
DEER KILL 17,000
NATIONAL HUNTING GROUP TARGETING WOMEN
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
LANSING RESIDENTS CAN DROP OFF TREES
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTENING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

As hard as for an empty sack to stand upright.
Comfortable as a toothache.
As welcome as a monthly bill.
As predictable as a weathervane.
As relaxed as empty gloves.
As fast as a lottery winner making new friends.
As poor as a church mouse.
She watches him as a cat would watch a mouse.
All over her like bugs on a windshield.

Would you say that a shy person suffers from "Hi" anxiety?
Would you say more deductions in today's paychecks than in a Sherlock Holmes mystery?
Would you say relocating can be a moving experience?

Mystery writers - Erie, PA
Plastic surgeons - Scarsdale, NY
Psychiatrists - Normal, IL
Accountants - Billings, MT
Egotists - Superior, WI
Voyeurs - Topeka, KS

"One of the dwarfs is missing", said Snow White unhappily.
"I always cheat at musical chairs", bragged Roger deceitfully.
"I donated a thousand dollars", he said grandly.
"It was a tremendous party", he said bashfully.
"He's missing! He's missing!", Paul and Mary repeated.
"I have clubs, diamonds, and spades", Tom declared heartlessly.
"I must tend to my flock", he said sheepishly.
"I'll drive the truck", Joe said shiftily.
"I have $20; do I hear 25?", the auctioneer asked morbidly.
"A donkey is half horse and half mule", he said crossly.
"I'm much too busy", the doctor said patiently.
"The penny fell in the sewer", she said gratefully.
"My pencil is dull!", he said pointlessly.

Oxymorons

RANDOM ORDER
WHOLE PIECE
OBJECTIVE OPINION
SMALL FORTUNE
FAREWELL RECEPTION
GREEN ORANGES
PLASTIC GLASSES
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

Insults

I'd like to help you out...which way did you come in?
It's nice to see your back. Especially after looking at your face.
May you grow like an onion. With your head in the ground and your feet in the air.
May all your showers be too hot and your women too cold.
You have all the possibilities of becoming a complete stranger.
You should have lived in the Dark Ages, especially after seeing you in the light.
The next time you pass by my house; I'll appreciate it.
Thats the most action you've seen since the last Rambo movie.

A consultant is a man who knows 49 ways to make love but doesn't know any women.
She was a graphmaker's daughter...and she knew where to draw the line.
An optimist thinks that things are as good as they could possibly be and a pessimist fears that the same is true.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
Better to ask twice than lose your way once.
If you wait, all that happens is that you get older.
Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon.
Pay close attention to your enemies; they are the first to discover your mistakes.
When you are in a hole; stop digging.
Anyone can make a mistake. A fool insists on repeating it.
Anger is the glove into which evil slips its hand.
Dig the well before you're thirsty.
Nothing is work unless you would rather be doing something else.
Laziness is nothing more than resting before you are tired.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
When you fall in a river, you are no longer a fisherman; you are a swimmer.
Everything looks impossible for the people who never try anything.
Sometimes the fool who rushes in gets the job done.
What isn't tried wont work.
The same fence that shuts others out, shuts you in.
Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
The discontented man finds no easy chair.
Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey.
Today's opportunities erase yesterday's failures.
Bargain: A deal in which each party thinks he's cheating the other.
Forbidden fruit is many the cause a bad jam.
A small leak can sink a great ship.
A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obsturcting the view.
A lot of people who think their boss is dumb would be out of a job if she was any smarter.
If you are lost in the woods, start playing solitaire...someone is bound to show up and say, "Pardon me but the red five goes on the black six."
I figured out a way to avoid parking tickets; remove your windshield wipers from your car.
He's so emotional, he cries when a traffic light turns red on him.
Every time you turn green with envy, you're ripe for trouble.
The only slim thing about her figure is the chances of getting it back.
Accidents will happen. Thats why there are so many different kinds of salad.
She uses her old flame to burn up her new boyfriend.
Golf is like business - you drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in a hole.
She's got long black hair running down her back. Too bad it isn't on her head.
Before television, no one knew what a headache looked like.
When something bad happens, remember that things could always be worse, and if they can't get any worse, then they can oly get better.
There is a fine line between fishing and standing on a shore looking like an idiot.
He went through things like a customs inspector.
Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet.
The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.
He who keeps his head while everyone else is losing theirs, is the person operating the guillotine.
Opportunities favorite disguise is trouble.
May your luck be like the capitol of Ireland: always Dublin.
Ever notice that promises are like babies; easy to make but tough to deliver.
Many people dont know whats cooking until it boils over.
He who fills his pockets with the sands of burden will surely sink into the sands of time.
Yelling and screaming accomplishes nothing but a sore throat.
A mule in a tuxedo is still a mule.
An honest man is never a successful fisherman.
It isn't easy for an idea to squeeze into a head filled with prejudices.
Always borrow from a pessimist. He never expects to be repaid.
The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigator.
Every man is an omnibus in which his ancestors ride.
Little boats should keep near shore.
We boil at different degrees.
Smooth runs the water where the brook is deep.
Better beans and bacon in peace than cake and ale in war.
Those who have the free seats at the play hiss first.
She wears her clothes like they were thrown on her with a pitchfork.
None are so busy as the fool and knave.
A fool wanders; a wise man travels.
All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten his rotten hand.
The shell must break before the bird can fly.
It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be.
Memory is the receptacle and sheath of all knowledge.
He that is down needs fear no fall.
The fire you kindle for your enemy often burns yourself more than him.
Less advice and more hands.
The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.
Good manners allow you to wait in patience while the loudmouth gets the service.
Some minds are like concrete; all mixed up and permanently set.
The quickest way to get someone's undivided attention is to make a mistake.
There ought to be a better way to start the day than getting up in the morning.
Every time I listen to the top 50 country songs, I shudder to think of what the bottom fifty must sound like.
Those country musicians carry a tune as if it were too heavy for them.
A politician is someone who approaches every subject with an open mouth.
The motorist who weaves through traffic often winds up getting stitched.
Sharp words will upset your stomach, especially when you have to eat them.
The fellow who gets on a high horse is riding for a fall.
When a man grows angry, his reason rides out.
Every horse thinks his own pack heaviest.
Fear the goat from the front, the horse from the rear, and man from all sides.
No fine clothes can hide the clown.
He knows the water best who has waded through it.
Old foxes want no tutors.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
The cat shuts its eyes while it steals cream.
If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don't drag your feet.
Fools rush in and get the best seats.
Rare is the person who can weigh the faults of others without putting his own thumb on the scale.
Those who travel the high road of humility are not troubled by heavy traffic.
Never hire a plumber who wears rubber boots.
Old quaterbacks never die; they just pass away.
I'm so broke that if a pickpocket went through my clothes, all he'd get would be practice.
Words are the clothes that thoughts wear.
A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
A pessimist? Someone who thinks everyone as nasty as himself and hates them for it.
It's easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar.
A fox should not be of the jury at a goose's trial.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
He that blows on the coals in quarrels he has nothing to do with has no right to complain if the sparks fly in his face.
A fool may ask more questions in an hour than a wise man can answer in 7 years.
Vexed sailors curse the rain for which poor shepherds prayed in vain.
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therin.
I am accustomed to pay men back in their own coin.
Uneasy lies the head which wears the crown.
All the rivers run into the sea, yet it is not full.
Every man is the architect of his own fortune.
Keep quiet and people will think you a philosopher.
The less we know, the more we suspect.
Beware of him that telleth tales.
The mind grows by what it feeds on.
It is better to have a hen tomorrow than an egg today.
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.
He that seeks trouble always finds it.
Handle your tools without mittens.
Never anser a telephone when you are angry.
A bachelor is one who enjoys the chase but doesn't eat the game.
Set a beggar on horseback and he will ride a gallop.
He that climbs a ladder must begin at the first rung.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
If the poor mand cannot always get meat, the rich man cannot always digest it.
The prickly thorn often bears soft roses.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Even the lion has to defend himself against flies.
The best carpenters make the fewest chips.
Never throw mud. You may miss your mark, but you must have dirty hands.
He that thows mud loses ground.
He that lives in a glass house may not throw stones.
A sleeping fox counts hens in his dreams.
The ripest fruit falls first.
Light is the task when many share the toil.
If wishes were horses, beggars might ride.
Better cross an angry person than a hungry person.
Ideas are like beards; men dont have them until they grow.
Lost time is never found again.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
You cannot make a crab walk straight.
Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools.
Se set ourselves to bite the hand that feeds us.
God tempers the wind to the shorn lamb.
As the crackling of thorns under a pot; so is the laughter of a fool.
Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a workers success.
Throw a lucky man into the sea, and he will come up with a fish in his mouth.
Make hay while the sun shines.
Mystery is the wisdom of blockheads.
Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above it.
He that is overcatious will accomplish little.
Never give advice in a crowd.
Never give advice unless asked.
Old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read.
A field becomes exhausted by constant tillage.
An angry man opens his mouth and shuts up his eyes.
The most difficult character in comedy is that of the fool, and he must be no simpleton that plays that part.