Hawaiian Girl's Page
Aloha and welcome to my homepage!
midi: "
On Eagles Wings"
In Memory Of My Sister
"Florenda"
Sept.15,1956-Dec.29,1998
"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know everything in this life has a purpose"
A message from my sister
*My Time Has Come*
My time is here now to say good-bye
to my painful days and endless lonely nights.
I've lived my life and done my best,
an example I tried to be.
So now I take this step beyond to set my spirit free.
I didn't want to go at first.
I fought with all my might, but something seems
to draw me now to a warm and loving light.
It's difficult now to stay here
but I will do my best to live one more day
and to give you time to care for me
and to show me your love and fears.
I know you are sad and so afraid
because I can see the tears roll down your face.
I'll not be far, I promise you that.
I hope you'll always know my spirit will
be closer to you wherever you may go.
Thank you for loving me and you know
I love you too.
That's why it is hard to say good-bye
and end this life with you.
So hold me close to your heart and never forget me.
Let me wipe the tears away and let me
hear you say.....
"Because you care so much for me,you'll let me go today"
I love you
Your sister,
Flo
*Letting Go*
It was the year of 1998 when I received a phone call from my younger sister. When I answered the phone I heard her crying. I asked her what was the matter. She was all choked up and couldn't speak Finally she told me she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Gosh I didn't want to believe what I was hearing. Oh God, let it not be true, it's only a dream. I could feel myself getting angry. Why not me instead of her? I couldn't stop crying. There had to be some mistake. We kept in touch often so she could keep me updated with her treatments. It was later with another phone call that she gave me more davastating news that she is having a Mastectomy done. Surgery was scheduled on Valentines Day. Of all days they had to schedule her. Everything went fine with the surgery till days after her surgery she went into a seizure. Months went by and still continued with her variuos treatments that were required. She cried for days hating her appearance. Thinking no one will love her. One day she finally took the courage to look at herself in the mirror and excepted the way she'd looked. She said "God made me this way for a reason and I just have to except it". I was surprise by her courage.
Later her doctor called us to update us on her condition. They found that she had brain tumors and that her prognosis did not look good. They were considering surgery but later found out it would have been a delicate risk for her when they discovered that there were numerous tumors involved around her brain. I knew already her life was in more danger. I prayed every day to God to help her get better. Give her the strength to heal.
She had six months to a year to live.Well a decision was made to bring her home to live with us. Being her caregiver wasn't an easy job but I would do it all over again. Hardest was seeing the days go by. You wish tomorrow would never come. She looked back at me with a smile and said "not to worry". I couldn't believe how calm she was. Just a few weeks before, she couldn't except what was happening to her. Now she sits so calmly as if nothing was wrong. What had happened to her between those few weeks? Her attitude seems to be so different. .
Later I've noticed she was developing new problems. Her legs were starting to get weak. It was harder for her to walk nor stand and was also having problem with her speech. I tried so hard not to let her notice my feelings. The last thing she would want was anyone feeling sorry for her. I wanted God to answer me, give me a sign she'd be alright. If anything to give me the strength to take care of her. Every day I thanked God for giving her another new day to live.
One morning we both sat and talked. She mentioned that she had spoken to our decease mother and told her "when you are ready to come home, I will be here waiting for you". I was stund by her experience. Since than I have wondered about many things about death. At one point in our conversation she was staring at something beside me and told me that God was standing beside me. God told her that her journey home would be soon.
The Christmas holidays were getting closer. Her condition was worsening.. "God, I thought you loved us?" "Why do you make us suffer if you do?" "How could you punish us this way?". I cried endlessly. I wanted to run but didn't know where to go. I wanted someone to talk too but felt no one would understand my feelings. I felt so alone and scared. I took some time out to think and realize how selfish I have been in wanting to keep my sister alive. The last thing I didn't want was to have her suffer. It was her time to go and all I did was try to hold her back. Please God forgive me for being this way. Help me understand when she goes.
Christmas eve the family left for midnight mass. I stayed home with her. I laid beside her.She had her eyes closed but I knew she could still hear me. Spoke softly to her and told her that I was ready to let her go and told God I was ready for him to take her home. I asked God that night to show me a sign when she'd be ready to make her journey home. "Thank you God for giving us a chance to celebrate Christmas with her". I noticed days later she was struggling with her breathing. My gosh is this her time? Is this it God? I took her to see her doctor that day. He took me by my hands and said " Her time has come. It'd be a miracle if she makes it through the week". I cried so uncontrollably. I wanted to shout out my pain and anger. My heart was in so much pain I could feel my heart racing.
That very same day, they admitted her in the hospital. She looked at me as if she was trying to tell me something. I whispered to her and told her I love her and and that everything will be alright. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks. I leaned over to kiss her goodnight so she could rest and told her I'll be back the next day. A girlfriend of hers was there to spend the night. It had been a long and emotional day for me and felt that I needed to go home and rest. .
Morning came and the phone rang. It was my stepsister on the phone to tell me that our sister had just gone home. She had died peacefully in her sleep and she's at peace now.
God bless you sis untill we meet again. I will forever keep you in my heart and will see you in my dreams. May you rest in peace now. I love you
Through this experience with my sister's death I see life different as I had never seen it before. Follow your heart,listen to the little voice inside of you. Take the time to notice things around you. So why not make the best of it while we're still here. We only live once.
I miss you so much and wish you were still here. Times I feel like I am going crazy not having you here. I wonder many times how am I going to go on with life without here. Longing to see your face and hear your laughs and to feel you. I offten wonder how things would be if you were still here. It's been years now and not a day I go not thinking of you.
I miss our days out together when we're browsing through the mall and having meals together. Trying on things just for fun and laughing at ourselves looking in the dressingroom mirror. Our crazy sense of humor when we're together. Stopping by at our favorite cookie counter for a snack or two.
I miss you so much and wish this didn't happen to you. I know you are near cause I see you in my dreams. I see things that remines me of you. My whole life has change since you left and I know you're helping me better my life. You have been my strength and made me understand and looked at life different as I have never seen before. Cause of you I have found my purpose. Thank you sis. You will forever be in my heart.
