I grew up in Madison, Connecticut. A small, rich, town on a beautiful shoreline. I was raised in a very loving (if not quite normal set-up) family. I was raised by my paternal grandmother, (who adopted me when I was four, but had custody of me since I was 1) and her mother, my great-grandmother, who I called Garmie. (The 'r' is silent) My grandmother was the only mother I really knew for most of my life so I of course call her Mom. (Just for reference... Mom = paternal grandmother, Garmie = great-grandmother, Dad = Dad, Laurie = Dad's wife, Tammy = Dad's new daughter, Elizabeth = biological mother)
Okay, I think that covers the ground work... now on with my story.
I have been a large person all my life. I don't ever remember being "normal" sized. But during elementary school I always had a group of friends, and I think in general I was pretty much happy. But I always knew that somehow I didn't fit in. I remember knowing it had something to do with being bigger than everyone else, but at the time I was also taller and more 'developed' (if you know what I mean {wink}) so I didn't really care. Yes, some kids made fun of me, but I had so many friends, it didn't matter. But once we got to junior high school my world pretty much crumbled. By then I was no longer taller than everyone, and a lot of girls were developing as well, so now I just stood out as being fat. A lot of the kids I thought were my friends now turned their backs on me. Even the teachers and counselors were mean. I was placed in a special PE class, even though I didn't need it. I was fat, yes, but I was still in shape and very athletic. Of course it didn't help my popularity that I was in special advanced courses, so I was also known as a nerd.
I struggled everyday in junior high trying to find peace with who I was. I began to hate my body. It didn't help when a substitute teacher I had one day asked me if I needed a bigger chair to sit in. I wasn't THAT big! I ran out of class crying, only to get in trouble for leaving without permission. When the principal asked me why I left I was so embarressed I couldn't tell him.
Abuse like that continued, and progressed from there. I was physically attacked on more than one occassion. But I was always the one who'd get in trouble for it. After all... who'd believe a thin, fragile girl (or boy for that matter) would think of attacking a big person like me??? Not the principal of my junior high!
I still somehow managed to maintain a decent number of true friends throughout this time. I don't know what I'd have done without them. I know they were teased for being friends with me, and I loved them even more for putting up with it. It was during this time that I started admitting I was attracted to both boys and girls. When I was 12 I had my first bisexual experience, and that gave me a little more confidence in myself. Enough so that I tried out to be a cheerleader. And, much to everyones surprise, I made it! I was the fattest, and many people said, the best, cheerleader, the town had. By that point I had been dancing for 9 years already, so despite my size I was very limber, and great with timing and precission. I foolishly thought that I would be accepted then. I was both wrong and right. While we were at the games and practices, I was accepted. (By the football players to!) But once we got back to school, the harrassment would start again.
Unfortunatly I was not blessed with an understanding family when it came to weight. My Mom was always very thin, Garmie had been thin most of her life, my Dad hated his weight and was constantly trying to lose weight, and Laurie kept Tammy on a diet. All I'd ever hear at home was, "You'd be such a pretty girl if you'd lose weight..." and "You have such a pretty face, if only your body would match..." I just wanted a place of refuge and I couldn't even find it at home.
When I was 13 however something changed. I finally met Elizabeth. She understood about being a BBW, because she was one also. I started spending more time with her, and it helped a lot! I gradually started coming out of my shell. I still didn't like my body yet (That would take quite a few more years), but with her help I was learning not to hate it. She helped me learn how to dress right for my size (My Mom, not knowing that there were any other options had me dressing in baggy, old style clothes most of the time) and would point out to me that there actually were some guys looking at me with interest, not contempt! It was a huge time in my life.
My life started to take a turn for the better when I entered high school. I couldn't bear going to school in Madison anymore (it had become to abusive and painful) so I found a program available where I could go to a different high school in a different city. I jumped at the chance! It was one of the best decissions I ever made! I was now heading to a completely new situation where no one knew me... I could start over. I made many friends at my new school, quite of few of which were also BBW's. I had never had a BBW friend before. Now I could do what all my other friends had done. Share clothes, go shopping together, etc. I felt as though I was in heaven! My life still wasn't ideal though. There were plenty of kids left who insisted on teasing me. But I wasn't going to let them bother me anymore. Instead, my friends and I would get back at them. Revenge is a dish best served cold. I don't think they know what hit them!!!
During my first couple of high school years I was actually asked out my some guys. But I still wasn't trusting enough of the acceptance I was feeling to say yes. I still couldn't help thinking it was a joke. Especially when one of the best football players asked me for a date! (I found out later that he really liked me... now he's a Marine. I still kick myself for that one!)
My life continues pretty much like that for the next couple of years. I still was being pressured at home to lose weight. But I didn't want to. I didn't like my body yet. But I didn't hate it. And I knew I hated being told to hate it! I still look back and wish with all my heart and soul that my family had been more supportive and accepted me, instead of pressuring me all the time. I know they thought they were doing the right thing, but instead it only made me hurt more.
When I was a senior Elizabeth decided it was time I stop distrusting guys and GO OUT! Her friends' son (let's call him Chet) really liked BBW's, but he was engaged. But that didn't stop Elizabeth. She found out that his friend (let's call him Steve) also liked BBW's. So she set me up with him. BEFORE she told me about though! I came home to an answering machine from Chet saying that Steve was to shy to leave a message but he was really looking forward to meeting me. I was stunned! I hadn't been told anything about this. I called Elizabeth and she admitted it.
Well, Steve and I started dating, and went out together for about 9 months. I'd never felt more loved or desirable. Then he cheated on me and said it was because, even though he liked big girls, I was too big. My newfound self-esteem plummeted! (Of course it didn't help that he'd fallen in love with my best friend. But she didn't return the feelings for him)
A couple of months after that I met another guy (Call him Harry). He seemed to be totally in love with me. Very attentive, romantic, adventurous... everything I liked. We ended up moving in together. It was wonderful. Until he decided to stop working and I had to try to pay all the bills. When I couldn't do it on my own, the abuse started. First he hit me, just once. And apologized profusely. I foolishly forgave him and believed it wouldn't happen again. Silly SmKat! The abuse only got worse from there. He'd call me horrible names, hit me, push me down stairs, etc. But I still hadn't built up my self-esteem ebnough by then to know I didn't have to stay. Even as I'd cry myself to sleep at night I'd tell myself I was lucky to have anyone since I was so big. By the time the abuse started we'd lost our phone and had moved away from my friends so I didn't even have anyone to tell. Not that I would have anyway. He'd threatend to kill me if I ever did. And I believed him. After a couple of trips to the emergency room nearly unconcious, and having the ER staff just turn a blind eye to the obvious signs of abuse, I figured I should just give in. If they wouldn't help, who would?
I wanted to die. I tried to kill myself but Harry caught me and beat me worse than ever for trying to escape him. I really hoped he'd kill me. He came close to it, but obviously I survived.
This abuse continued for about 1 year. Until I came home from work one day and he was gone! All his stuff was gone and I had no idea were he was. I was so confused. I wouldn't be abused anymore... but now I was alone again.
Well, to make a long story, a little less long... I found a place to live and got back on my feet. My self esteem was still low, and I'd started to hate my body again. By this time my Mom had moved to Texas, so I did to.
Wow! What a difference moving to Texas made! There were guys everywhere that loved BBW's. I was constantly being asked out, and they were sincere! I had a couple of boyfriends, and then I met a man who would change my life. (We'll call him Kevin) Kevin showed me just how beautiful and sexy I really was. He and I became very close friends. In fact he was the one who showed me there were adult magazines just for BBW's! And he convinced me to send in some pictures. So I did. When I got the acceptance letter I never felt more beautiful in my life! It was then that I started loving my body! Kevin and I tried to date, but we discovered we were much better off as friends. That's okay though. I'll always remember everything he did for me then.
During the next couple of years I went out with a bunch of guys, and I learned that I deserve to be loved and cherished not despite my size, but because of it. I was even blessed with an adorable little girl, though many closed minded doctors didn't think I could have children because I was so big. Well, I showed them. Despite being labeled high risk, JUST because of my size (I'm in perfect health), I found a BBW midwife who knew from experience that being fat doesn't pose extra risks as long as you're healthy, so in September 1996 I gave birth to my little girl (without any medication, continuous monitoring, episiotomies, etc), at a birth center in Austin Texas. I even surprised the midwife though. My labor only lasted 7 hours with 20 minutes of pushing!
My life had it's ups and downs since then, but having found my peace (and now love with) my body, it had nothing to do with weight.
I now refuse to have anything to do with someone who puts me down because of my size... I'm to good to deal with their problems.
Well... we have now reached the final chapter (for now). My life has been very hard. But I learned a lot of things from everyone I've met. One of lessons I learned, that was hard while going through it, was how NOT to be a parent. I don't know if my daughter will grow up to be fat or thin, tall or short, but I do know that I won't try to make her into someone she's not! Pushing someone to change something as personal as their body isn't the way to make them feel good. In fact, it'll usually just have the opposite effect. If she wants to lose (or gain) weight when she's older I'll encourage her to be who she wants to be. But hopefully, by the time she's old enough to see the difference, we'll have made enough of a change in society that it won't matter anymore!
Oops! Sorry! I guess that's not how this is supposed to start, is it? Let me introduce myself, for those few who don't know me yet. I am SmKat. And this is the page where I have chosen to tell my story about why I am who I am. And actually... now that I think about it... it really does start a long time ago, but not very far away though.