DOROTHY

Girls, come on we're gonna miss our flight.

BLANCHE

(comes in the living room)Oh Dorothy relax.

DOROTHY

I'm sorry. I just want to get to Atlanta and get my stuff before the rats get it.

BLANCHE

Oh come on Dorothy. You have nothing to worry about. Even rats have taste.

DOROTHY

Yeah you're right. I haven't seen any in your bedroom in quite awhile.

BLANCHE

That's not true. Just last night Larry was...(nervous laugh)never mind.

ROSE

(walks in adjusting her watch)Now how many hours do I set my watch forward?

DOROTHY

Rose, we're going to Atlanta. There is no time difference.

ROSE

But it's in another state.

BLANCHE

Rose, honey, it's in the same time zone though.

ROSE

What's a time zone? Is it a kind of watch?

BLANCHE

Rose..

DOROTHY

Let me handle this. Rose, we're not changing time zones. We don't have time to discuss this and please do not sit near me on the plane.

LUCAS

(comes from outside and stands at the door)Well are we all ready to go?

DOROTHY

I think so. Ma? Ma? MA!!!

SOPHIA

Would you shut up? I'm busy. (toilet flushes. Dorothy, Rose, Sophia & Lucas look confused and Dorothy looks embarressed. Sophia walks out) What?

DOROTHY

Ma, what were you doing?

SOPHIA

Well let's see, I was gone for 20 minutes, a toilet flushed and my butt is cold and has toilet marks on it. Take your pick, I was either using the bathroom or giving the toilet a thrill.

DOROTHY

(shocked)MA!

SOPHIA

What? You ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer.

ROSE

Sophia, can I have another hint before I give an answer?

SOPHIA

(rolls her eyes)Pussycat? (motions for Dorothy to talk privately) Why do we all have to go?

DOROTHY

You're talking about Rose aren't you?

SOPHIA

(sarcastic)No, I'm talking about another Scandinavian nitwit. Of course I'm talking about Rose. Look, I'm sorry pussycat, but she's starting to really get on my nerves.

DOROTHY

What do you want me to do? Put you on separate planes?

SOPHIA

You're making fun of me aren't you?

DOROTHY

Do you blame me? You're acting ridiculous.

SOPHIA

Just let me stay here. Please. Listen to me...I'm begging to stay in my own home. See what Rose is doing to me? She's making me crazy.

DOROTHY

Alright ma. Stay home. But I don't like you staying home alone.

SOPHIA

Oh please. I'm old and slower than a turtle on the interstate. How much trouble could I get into?

DOROTHY

That settles it. You're coming with us.

(They're driving to the airport. Lucas is driving and Dorothy is in the front seat with him. The others are in the back)

BLANCHE

Why didn't we bring 2 cars? Then I wouldn't be getting squished back here.

ROSE

I need some fresh air. I'm gonna roll down a window.

BLANCHE

Oh no you don't. I don't have much hair spray on and if you put that window down, in 10 minutes my hair will look like partially eaten cotten candy.

SOPHIA

It always looks like that. Course it's better than my q-tip look.

ROSE

Oh I love traveling. You know back in St. Olaf..

DOROTHY

Rose, this isn't fair. We can't walk away from your story.

ROSE

(smiling)I know. Anyways, there was only one travel agency. They had this special that if you took a one way ticket anywhere in the world they'd buy you dinner at the local diner.

BLANCHE

One way? How would they get back?

ROSE

I don't think we ever had that problem.

SOPHIA

I hate you.

(The plane is landing in Atlanta)

LUCAS

Okay, we've got 2 cars. Our flight leaves tomorrow at 12. We need to remember that. Okay, who's riding in each car?

DOROTHY

Well I think we should ride together and the others should ride in another car.

BLANCHE

Just a minute. I refuse to ride with Rose. You already forced me to sit with her in the back seat on the way to the airport. I think I should be allowed to ride with my uncle.

DOROTHY

He's MY husband.

BLANCHE

Well he was my uncle before he was your husband.

LUCAS

Ladies, I know a simple solution. No, that won't work. We don't ahve pistols and it's not dawn. Okay I know another way. We will write down car number 1 and car number 2 down on several sheets of paper each. Whichever one you choose is the one you ride in. Agreed?

ALL

Agreed.

SOPHIA

Why do I have a feeling this is a stupid idea?

(Right then the next scene comes up and it is Rose and Sophia alone in a car together. Rose is driving)

ROSE

I'm so glad we're riding together. Aren't you Sophia?

SOPHIA

Life sucks.

(Next we see the others)

DOROTHY

I feel a little guilty putting Rose and Sophia in the same car together.

BLANCHE

Oh don't worry. They're tough, they can take care of each other against the scum of the earth.

DOROTHY

I'm not worried about the scum of the earth hurting them. I'm worried about THEM hurting each other.

(Next is Sophia and Rose in the car again)

ROSE

You know I'm so glad I got my license back. Aren't you Sophia?

SOPHIA

(sarcastic)Yeah, thrilled.

ROSE

Oh I'm so happy we're friends. And I'm so happy to be in Atlanta. And I'm so happy...

SOPHIA

Hey Miss. Happy Pants would you give it a rest? You keep it up and I'll be throwing up all over this car.

ROSE

Should I roll down a window?

SOPHIA

Yeah, and stick your head out of it and hope for a semi.

ROSE

Sophia, why are you being so mean to me?

SOPHIA

Two reasons. I hate traveling and I hate you. Make the connection.

ROSE

Oh I love traveling. Back in St. Olaf we used to travel all the time. It was so much fun.

SOPHIA

You lived on a farm in a town no one has ever heard of. How much traveling could you do? See how many times you can circle your barn without getting dizzy?

ROSE

We tried that once. Got up to 72. But I didn't get dizzy. Ran out of gas. But this trip has gone good so far. Not a single problem at all.

(A loud noise, a flat tire)

SOPHIA

Rose, don't you know that you never say that while traveling. That's like wearing a sign that says: Hello I am sucker.

ROSE

(pulling over)Oh Sophia I'm sorry. I think we have a flat tire. Do you know if there's a spare in the trunk?

SOPHIA

(opens her sweater)Does it say "Car Owner" on my dress? How the hell would I know?

ROSE

I don't know how to change a flat tire.

SOPHIA

I couldn't even if I did know how. I'd have a heart attack before I even took the tire off.

ROSE

Maybe it's not a flat.

SOPHIA

Rose, there is two things an Italian from Brooklyn knows. How to know when someone has a flat tire and how to cause a flat tire! Trust me we have a flat tire.

ROSE

Well what do we do?

SOPHIA

Do what you want...I'm gonna get a hotel room. I never really wanted to come on this trip and at least I'll get to do what I want.

ROSE

What about the car?

SOPHIA

It's a piece of junk..next question.

(Rose and Sophia walk up to the desk clerk)

ROSE

(smiling)Hi, my name is Rose Nylund. I come from St. Olaf, Minnesota. And..

SOPHIA

Rose, if you're gonna tell your life story, give me advance notice so I can go kill myself

ROSE

Anyways, we'd like a room for the night.

SOPHIA

TWO rooms.

DESK CLERK

That'll be 60 dollars each.

ROSE

But I only brought 50 with me.

SOPHIA

Tough break Rose. I have enough money. Now about the room..

ROSE

Where did you get money Sophia?

SOPHIA

Doesn't matter. Now...as I was saying.

ROSE

I wanna know.

SOPHIA

It was lying around. Now where was I? Oh yes..about the room..

ROSE

Lying around where?

SOPHIA

(frustrated)In Time's Square. What the hell difference does it make? Whether I found it on the floor or in Dorothy's purse.

ROSE

You stole from Dorothy?

SOPHIA

What? You act surprised. It's not like it's the 1st time I've ever done it. Grow up.

ROSE

That's not right Sophia.

SOPHIA

What is this a morals class? (opens her purse)Hey, it's not here. There's only a 20 dollar bill in here. And a note. "Roses are red, Violets are blue. You may be sneaky but I am too.". Love Dorothy. Damn I gotta get a lock for this purse.

ROSE

(grinning)Looks like Dorothy's getting smarter.

SOPHIA

(looks at the desk clerk)How about 20 dollars and I'll show you a good time?

DESK CLERK

Are you suggesting...

SOPHIA

Suggesting? Hell, I'll spell out on top of the roof if you'll give me a room.

ROSE

Sophia, we have 60 dollars between the two of us. We could get a room together.

SOPHIA

Let's see..I can either share a hotel room with Rose the Idiot, or sleep in a cold flat tired car in the middle of a city I don't like and can get mugged and killed without a second thought. (looks at the desk clerk) You got a coin I could toss?

(Rose and Sophia are walking into the hotel room. They look around)

SOPHIA

Well it's not the Plaza.

ROSE

I think it's a nice room.

SOPHIA

Compared to what?

ROSE

Shouldn't we call Dorothy?

SOPHIA

Yeah. (picks up the phone, next you see Dorothy franticly picking up the phone)

DOROTHY

Hello? Ma where are you?

SOPHIA

In a hotel. We had a flat tire.

DOROTHY

Where's Rose?

SOPHIA

She's here. We're gonna stay the night here and meet you at the airport tomorrow.

DOROTHY

Ma, I really think we should pick you up. Where are you?

SOPHIA

Beats the hell out of me. Don't worry, we'll be fine. Good bye. (hangs up) Well..that was fun. Now what?

ROSE

How about a game?

SOPHIA

I was being sarcastic you moron.

(Dorothy hangs up the phone. Blanche comes up to her)

BLANCHE

Was that Sophia?

DOROTHY

Yes.

BLANCHE

See, I told you she was fine. She wasn't murdered.

DOROTHY

No she wasn't. In a few hours she'll wish she had been.

(Next is back to Rose and Sophia. Sophia stands up and walks towards the bathroom)

ROSE

(does the same) What are you doing Sophia?

SOPHIA

What's it look like I'm doing? I gotta go to the bathroom.

ROSE

Me too.

SOPHIA

Well you can wait.

ROSE

Who says you get to go 1st?

SOPHIA

I'm old, I've got a small bladder.

ROSE

Well I have a small bladder too. And I've been holding it longer.

SOPHIA

What's that got to do with it? I got here 1st.

ROSE

Who says?

SOPHIA

Three people. Me myself and I.

ROSE

Well since you've got witnesses okay.

SOPHIA

(goes in and shuts the door)What a sucker. This night may not be so bad after all.

(It's a few hours later. Rose comes out in animal pajamas and walks over and turns off the tv while Sophia is watching it)

SOPHIA

Hey I was watching that!

ROSE

Oh I thought we could have a campout.

SOPHIA

Rose, in case you haven't noticed, we are in a hotel room.

ROSE

So?

SOPHIA

So you're an idiot. You can't even start a fire. What good is a camp out without a fire?

ROSE

Well, I thought of that. That's why I got pictures of fires.

(Rose sits indian style on the floor)

ROSE

Come on Sophia. It'll be fun. Sit like I am.

SOPHIA

Rose, if I sit like that, within 10 minutes I'll be declared the world's oldest pretzel.

ROSE

Oh. Well what do you wanna do?

SOPHIA

Sleep is always a good idea.

ROSE

(gets up and walks to the window)Oh the night is still young. It's only 8:30. How can you go to sleep at 8:30?

SOPHIA

What else is there to do?

ROSE

We could sing songs, or play cards or even make prank phone calls.

SOPHIA

Sing songs? Not in a million years. My voice and your voice combined would shatter every piece of glass in Atlanta. Making prank calls wouldn't be a bad idea if we actually knew what the area code here was.

ROSE

What about playing cards?

SOPHIA

And bet with what? Our underwear?

ROSE

We could play go fish.

SOPHIA

Rose, (crawls into bed)I'm gonna go to sleep. If you bother me, you'll be deader than Cary Grant. Capiesche?

ROSE

Well..I guess I could go to sleep. (crawls into bed)Oh darn, I almost forgot to say my prayers.

SOPHIA

Oh Rose why don't you just write God a letter?

ROSE

Oh that would be stupid. Think of all the stamps I would need to put on it.

SOPHIA

Don't move.

ROSE

Why not?

SOPHIA

Because right now I am perfectly comfy and if you move I'll have a big wedge.

ROSE

(laughs and gets up) Oh Sophia.

SOPHIA

There it goes! Wedge city! Are you happy?

ROSE

But I have to say my prayers. Hi God, it's me. Rose Nylund. From Miami Florida. I just wanted to say thank you for everything and thanks for letting me wake up with all my hair and thank you.

SOPHIA

Oh for crying out loud Rose. That's enough! I'm trying to sleep! Give God a break too. I'm sure he needs it.

ROSE

(gets up) That does it! You can criticize me all you want, you can call me every name in the book, you can every turn down every idea I have, but I'll be damned if I'll let you interrupt a prayer to God. That is very rude!

SOPHIA

(black) Ooohh, Miss Muffet is getting an attiude. Oh I'm so scared!!

ROSE

Get out of my room!

SOPHIA

I helped pay on this room.

ROSE

You paid 20 dollars. I think you've stayed your 20 dollars worth.

SOPHIA

Oh grow up!

ROSE

Why are you so mean to me?

SOPHIA

You're the only one here. ROSE

I mean before. You're always putting me down. Nothing I seem to do seems to make a difference. I could win a million dollars and you'd find something wrong with it. All I wanna know is, what did I ever do to you? SOPHIA

You were born. Next question.

ROSE

(turns around and starts crying)

SOPHIA

Rose? Are you crying?

ROSE

No! SOPHIA

Why don't I believe that? Turn around.

(Rose turns around)

SOPHIA

You are crying.

ROSE

What do you care?

SOPHIA