(Dorothy, Rose & Blanche walk in)

DOROTHY

Why is it that 3 grown women can't decide on ONE Christmas tree?

ROSE

Don't worry Dorothy. We'll find one.

BLANCHE

She's right Dorothy. Besides don't you think it's a little early for a tree?

DOROTHY

It's December 23rd Blanche. When do you suggest we finally decide on one and actually get it? 4th of July?

ROSE

Well that's a dumb idea. The tree would be dead before Thanksgiving.

SOPHIA

(walks in) Where's the tree?

DOROTHY

We couldn't decide on one.

SOPHIA

It's a tree. Not a man, where each one is different. It's like you've seen one you've seen em all. Where's the decision?

BLANCHE

I still say that one in the corner was nice.

DOROTHY

Blanche the needles were falling off.

BLANCHE

All trees do that.

DOROTHY

There were more needles falling off that tree than hair falling off Stan's head. By Chrismtas we'd wake up to a bald tree.

SOPHIA

Ho! Ho! Ho!

DOROTHY

Ma, you don't have to be so happy about it.

SOPHIA

Who's happy?

ROSE

It's Christmas time Sophia.

SOPHIA

You're kidding!! I thought all those men dressed in Santa costumes were just making a fashion statement.

BLANCHE

Sophia, honey, why are you in such a bad mood?

SOPHIA

Well excuse the hell out of me. I didn't know that just cause everyone else was running around like overly cherrful pain in the butt idiots that I had to join in. I guess if everyone jumps off a bridge I should too huh?

DOROTHY

Ma!

I'm going to my room. Knock on December 26th. (walks away)

BLANCHE

What's gotten into Sophia?

DOROTHY

Who knows? She'll get over it. Now we have to decide on a Christmas tree.

ROSE

How about we go chop one down?

BLANCHE

In the woods?

DOROTHY

No Blanche, we're go to New York and cut down the one in Rockerfeller Center.

BLANCHE

Too big!

DOROTHY

That does it! Let's go in the woods, find a tree, chop it down and bring it home. How hard can that be?

BLANCHE

But I just got my nails done.

DOROTHY

Well I'm not asking you to use them to cut the tree. Come on, I wanna get back before dark. Ma!

SOPHIA

(comes out) What? December 26th already?

DOROTHY

No ma, we're going in the woods.

(everyone walks out and Sophia is behind them confused)

SOPHIA

There's a reason indoor plumbing was invented. To avoid this kind of humiliation and stupidity.

(They're in the car. Dorothy is driving. They are stuck in traffic) BLANCHE

Oh I hate traffic!

DOROTHY

Well who likes it? Only a truly stupid person would.

ROSE

I...

DOROTHY

Don't even say it. Oh I wish Lucas was here.

BLANCHE

Yeah it would be nice having a man do this. But since he's doing that a new job I rarely see him.

DOROTHY

(kind of sad)That makes 2 of us.

ROSE

I have an idea. How about we tell Christmas stories?

DOROTHY

That sounds like a good idea.

BLANCHE

Sounds interesting.

SOPHIA

Sounds stupid.

ROSE

I remember my first Christmas in Miami. I was living in my very first appartment.

(FLASHBACK)

(Rose's landlord: Nathan Lewis, a man in his late 60's, walks out of the building and sees Rose staring up at the sky)

NATHAN

Uh, Mrs. Nylund what are you doing?

ROSE

I'm waiting for snow. I don't understand. Back in Minnesota it would be snowing buckets by now.

NATHAN

You're gonna be standing there an awfully long time. Doesn't usually snow in Miami.

ROSE

But it snows everywhere. Why wouldn't it snow here?

NATHAN

Well didn't you know that when you moved here?

ROSE

Well I knew it was different but I thought there would be at least a flurry or two. NATHAN

Oh Mrs. Nylund, you are a character.

ROSE

Call me Rose. So what are you doing for Christmas?

NATHAN

Oh my son is flying in. I've really missed him. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years.

ROSE

Why so long?

NATHAN

Oh we had a fight. He wanted to skip college and become a musician and see the world. I wanted him to go to college and get a real job. So we compromised. He joined the army.

ROSE

Well how was that a compromise?

NATHAN

He gets to see the world and it's a real job with steady work.

ROSE

But why wait 3 years to see each other?

NATHAN

Well even though we compromised, words were still said.

ROSE

What kind of words?

NATHAN

(laughs)Fighting words I assure you.

ROSE

Oh I see. Are you looking forward to seeing him?

NATHAN

Oh yes! And nervous. Last time I saw him he was a snot nosed kid. Now he's an army man. He made Lt. last month.

ROSE

You sound proud.

NATHAN

He's my only son. Hell, he could wet his pants in front of the President of the United States and I'd still be proud of him. You know what the first thing I'm gonna do when I see him? Give him a big hug. and appologize for being such an ass before.

ROSE

I haven't really met anyone yet so I'll probably spend Christmas in front of a tree full of lights talking to all my children.

NATHAN

Well..Merry Christmas.

ROSE

You too.

(As Rose is walking back to the building a man in a uniform walks up to Nathan)

MAN

Nathan Lewis?

NATHAN

That's me. And unless the army is doing something I don't know about with the people who join, you aren't my son.

MAN

No sir. I have a telegram for you.

NATHAN

If my crazy son is cancelling on me I'll him beat him silly.

(laughing)

MAN

Sign here please.

NATHAN

(signs the form and the man walks away as Nathan takes the telegram) I'll tell you Rose, my son is without a doubt the biggest pain in the butt there ever was. I can pretty much guess what it's gonna say. "Sorry can't come. Call you later" (laughs and starts reading it. Smile drops)

ROSE

What's wrong?

NATHAN

Um, they're, uh, saying Andy is dead.

ROSE

How could he be dead?

NATHAN

"My dearest regrets are sent to you. We are terribly sorry to report..your..son Andrew Lewis was accidently killed when his gun went off during a drill.

ROSE

Oh no!

NATHAN

(holding back the tears)If he didn't wanna come see me for Christmas..all he had to do was say so..he didn't have to go and ...get himself shot.

ROSE

Are you alright?

NATHAN

Yeah sure. He was a good kid.

ROSE

Would you like to come spend Christmas with me?

NATHAN

Uh, yeah I think I would. Thank you.

ROSE

Okay.

(They walk upstairs togetehr. BACK TO PRESENT) BLANCHE

I sure hope that wasn't a story to cheer us up.

ROSE

Well not all Christmas's are cheerful and happy.

DOROTHY

(parking the car) Here we are.

BLANCHE

Oh goody.

SOPHIA

Did anyone think to bring a chain saw? (pause) A regular saw? (pause) A butter knife?

DOROTHY

Oh don't panic. I'm sure there's something in the trunk. (gets out)

SOPHIA

I doubt it.

ROSE

Why Sophia?

SOPHIA

Well...

DOROTHY

Ma, what the hell is this car engine doing in the trunk?

SOPHIA

That's why. (gets out) Hello beautiful daughter of mine.

DOROTHY

Save it for St Nick and his elves.

SOPHIA

Oh give me a break. I kept a straight face all the way thru that one. That deserves something.

DOROTHY

What is an engine doing in the trunk?

SOPHIA

Well it would look pretty strange in the living room.

DOROTHY

What are you doing with it at all?

SOPHIA

(smiles)Merry Christmas! HO! HO! HO! Now stop asking so many damn questions.

DOROTHY

MA!

SOPHIA

Whaaaat?

DOROTHY

Oh forget it. Let's just drivehome. We'll figure out something later.

(An hour later they are driving home)

BLANCHE

I remember my very first Christmas as a grandmother. I was having a hard time with it. I was so young and practicly a young mother myself.

(FLASHBACK)

(A maid, Angelina, is cleaning)

ANGELINA

Mrs. Deverauex?! Mrs. Deverauex!!! Blanche run in. She is in her robe)

BLANCHE

Angelina, is there a particular reason why you insist on yelling at the crack of dawn?

ANGELINA

It's 11:30.

BLANCHE

I don't care if it's 2:30 in the afternoon. You do not yell when I'm sleeping. I need my beauty sleep.

ANGELINA

Well could you give me my salary for the next 6 months before you start?

BLANCHE

(cold look)You have my attention now. Now what is it you want?

ANGELINA

I was wondering if I could have tomorrow off. BLANCHE

But tomorrow is Christmas.

ANGELINA

Yeah I know. I figured since your daughter and her family was coming.

BLANCHE

If you answer me one question first, I'll let you have the day off.

ANGELINA

(sighs)You look just as beautiful as the day you hired me.

BLANCHE

No, that's not what I was gonna ask. But thank you for saying so. George thinks I get more stunning every day.

ANGELINA

Does he say that every Thursday?

BLANCHE

Why yes. How did you know?

ANGELINA

Cause I always find empty liquor bottles every Friday morning. Didn't know how they were related till just now.

BLANCHE

Angelina, am I old?

ANGELINA

Do you want an honest answer?

BLANCHE

Why yes of course.

ANGELINA

Is this a trick question.

BLANCHE

Oh just forget it.

ANGELINA

Mrs. Deverauex, is this because you're a grandmother?

BLANCHE

No that would be stupid. I'm upset cause I'm actually old enough to be one.

ANGELINA

Well it could be worse.

BLANCHE

How?

ANGELINA

You could be old enough to be a great grandmother.

BLANCHE

I hate that word: "Grandmother". Sounds like a mother that's 1,000 years old.

ANGELINA

There are advantages to being a grandmother.

BLANCHE

Name 3.

ANGELINA

You get to spoil the kids all you want.

BLANCHE

I never really got into spoiling children. You spoil them too much and they never wanna leave.

ANGELINA

You don't have to raise them.

BLANCHE

I had a governess. She raised them. All I did was take pictures and give birth to the little monsters.

ANGELINA

When you get sick of the kids send them home.

BLANCHE

Well I guess that's true. But I'm still a grandmother. And nothing will ever change that.

ANGELINA

Mrs. Deverauex, I'm a grandmother.

BLANCHE

Yeah right. You're only about 30 years old.

ANGELINA

Mrs. Deverauex, I was 30 years old when you hired me. You think you can just stay any age forever?

BLANCHE

Well yes!

ANGELINA

Don't think of being a grandmother as making you older.

BLANCHE

Well what the hell else could it mean?

ANGELINA

I love being a grandmother.

BLANCHE

Well you're an idiot.

ANGELINA

Just because you're a grandmother doesn't mean you look like one.

BLANCHE

But if I'm out in public view and I hear the word "grandma" or any of those other names for it, I'll probably turn around then everyone will know and start snickering and calling me an old fossil.

ANGELINA

You haven't even met your grandchild yet. I gurantee that when you see that beautiful face you'll wish you had 10 more.

(The doorbell rings. Angelina goes and answers it. It's Janet)

ANGELINA

Hello Mrs. Jamison.

JANET

Oh you can call me Janet.

BLANCHE

Janet? What are you doing here?

JANET

I thought daddy would like to see his first grandson.

BLANCHE

But I thought you weren't coming till tomorrow.

JANET

Well we can't make it tomorrow so I thought better come today.

BLANCHE

Well I'm sure your father would love to see the baby but he's not home right now.

JANET

Oh, well I guess me and David will be leaving..

BLANCHE

Janet, may I see him?

JANET

I guess you do have the right. (hands him to Blanche)

BLANCHE

Oh my God, he's so beautiful. (laughs)

ANGELINA

Told ya.

(BACK TO PRESENT)

ROSE

Aww, so everything worked out and everyone was happy.

BLANCHE

Well I found out Angelina was really 29 when I hired her so I fired her.

DOROTHY

Blanche! How could you?

BLANCHE

Oh I hired her back the next day. George insisted. Along with a big raise and a new room for her. (smiles) I loved that man dearly but when it came to money, he didn't have a lick of sense.

(They're home and walking in the door)

DOROTHY

Well so much for Operation: Christmas Tree.

SOPHIA

More like Operation: Christmas Idiots.

DOROTHY

Ma, I really wish you'd get into the Christmas spirt more.

SOPHIA

Well I wish you'd all take all this Christmas crap and stick it up your Ho Ho's.

DOROTHY

Ma!

BLANCHE

Sophia! What's gotten into you? Christmas is a lovely holiday. You should be celebrating.

ROSE

Yeah, quit acting like such a scrooge.

SOPHIA

Oh shut up you dumb elf wannabe.

DOROTHY

Alright that's it. I have had it. Now ma what has gotten into you? I demand you tell right now.

SOPHIA

Oh look Dorothy. I'm shaking in my tacky overdecorated stockings!

BLANCHE

SOPHIA!!

SOPHIA

BLANCHE!

BLANCHE

We don't deserve this.

DOROTHY

Blanche is right. Now you either tell us what's wrong or go to your room.

SOPHIA

Let's see. Go to MY room, sleep, be happy or pour my heart out and listen to you all babble about a stupid holiday that's here and gone in no time. Well good night.

(Sophia goes to bed)

BLANCHE

What has gotten into Sophia?

ROSE

Didn't she used to like Christmas?

DOROTHY

So I thought. Oh well, anyone for cheesecake?

(30 minutes later they are all eating cheesecake)

DOROTHY

This has to be the best cheesecake ever.

ROSE

What about the very first we ever ate together?

DOROTHY

Yes it was very good also.

BLANCHE

And what about the one we had just the other day?

DOROTHY

Yeah that was also really good.

ROSE

And don't forget... DOROTHY

ALRIGHT! What are you gonna do? Go thru every cheesecake we've ever eaten?

ROSE

Man the expression "Like mother, like daughter" really rings true tonight.

DOROTHY

I'm sorry Rose. I'm just worried about Ma. I don't understand what could make her so mean lately. What do you think Blanche?

BLANCHE

I'm horny.

DOROTHY

Thank you for sharing but that's not quite what I was hoping to hear. Or expecting. (pause)You know I remember my first Christmas with Lucas.

BLANCHE

Did you have sex?

DOROTHY

No.

BLANCHE

Oh. Not interested.

DOROTHY

Would you like to hear a sex story?

BLANCHE

Who's having sex?

DOROTHY

(sarcastic) Nancy Reagon.

ROSE

REALLY? I didn't figure her and Ronald Reagon even knew how to do it anymore. Or was able to.

BLANCHE

It's just like riding a horse. Except you're naked. The dimount is a little easier. You don't have to worry abolut getting dirt on you. Well unless of course..

DOROTHY

That's enough Blanche.

ROSE

Yeah, pretty soon you're gonna have us horny.

DOROTHY

No she won't Rose.

ROSE

What's your sex story Dorothy.

DOROTHY

Well it wasn't actually sex sex.

BLANCHE

What other kind of sex is there?

DOROTHY

No, what I mean is, I wanted sex and Stan wanted sex but we never actually had sex.

ROSE

Who were you having sex with you?

DOROTHY

Well it was the worst Christmas I ever had.

BLANCHE

Well sex with Stan would ruin anyone's Christmas.

DOROTHY

Michael and Kate were surprisingly being very quiet. And I should have known that when kids are quiet on Christmas Eve, something terrible is going to happen.

(FLASHBACK)

STAN

(walks in singing) "We Wish You A Merry Christmas We Wish You A Merry Christmas, We Wish You A Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year! (kisses Dorothy's cheek) Hey babe!

DOROTHY

Where have you been?

STAN

Relax! I stopped off at the candy store and got the kids some candy.

DOROTHY

Stan, if you give the kids any more candy we'll have to buy liabiliy insurance on their teeth.

STAN

Oh is my wife playing an old scrooge?

DOROTHY

Kate & Michael just went to bed.

STAN

It's only 9:30. What kid goes to bed on Chrismtas Eve at 9:30?

DOROTHY

Ours.

STAN

Well since they ARE probably asleep and we're not. And it IS Christmas Eve. A time for giving.

DOROTHY

Excuse me Stan, but when did "Give sex to thy husband" become a Christmas tradition?

STAN

Tis the season to be jolly dolly.

DOROTHY

Do you wanna be decked in the halls Stan?

STAN

Oh come on.

DOROTHY

Alright, come on. I got a few seconds to spare.

(They start walking to the bedroom. Before they get there Kate starts calling them)

STAN

(sighs)Do you think they're old enough to learn about sex?

DOROTHY

Well find someone who actually knows enough about it to teach it. Then we'll talk.

STAN

Well I AM their father!

DOROTHY

Yeah, but what do you know about it?

(PRESENT)

DOROTHY

When I got in the kids' room, Kate had a temperature, then Michael got a temperature. Spent the night taking care of 2 very sick kids. It took 3 days for Stan to get his present. Three days to get it, 20 minutes to get into position, 10 minutes to get undressed, 5 minutes of fore play, and 4 seconds to actually do it. I got more pleasure taking the kids to the dentist from all the candy Stan gave them.

BLANCHE

What a terrible Christmas.

DOROTHY

Not really. Didn't have to have sex with Stan that Christmas. That was the best Christmas I ever had while married to Stan. (Sophia is asleep in her bed. Then all of a sudden there's a voice in the background)

SAL

SOPHIA! SOPHIA!

SOPHIA

Dorothy, how many times do I have to tell you? Don't talk while you're eating!

SAL

It's not Dorothy. It's me Sal.

SOPHIA

Yeah right and I'm Charles Dickens.

SAL

Sophia, open your eyes.

SOPHIA

(still not believing it) And ruin my good dream about Warren Beatty? Not on your life. Excuse me, your death.

SAL

I really am Sal. What do I have to do to prove it to you?

SOPHIA

How about a million dollars?

SAL

How about a million original Sal Petrillo jokes?

SOPHIA

Oh my God. (rolls over and sits up)It really is you.

SAL

(laughs)So I hear you're not having a merry Christmas.

SOPHIA

You come all the way here and that's the 1st thing you wanna talk about?

SAL

Well what else do you wanna talk about a day and a half before Christmas? You're not very happy are you?

SOPHIA

How do you know I'm not happy? You got bugs planted in my underwear?

SAL

Well you're kind of ruining everyone's Christmas. Even God's pouting.

SOPHIA

Well excuse me. I didn't know my being merry was such a big deal.

SAL

What's wrong? You used to love Christmas.

SOPHIA

Yeah used to. Do you know what this Christmas is?

SAL

Can I have a hint?

SOPHIA

It's the 75th anniversary of our 1st Christmas.

SAL

Oh yeah.

SOPHIA

And remember we said we'd celebrate it in a special way.

SAL

So that's what's wrong?

SOPHIA

It's that you're dead on the 75th Christmas is what bothers me.

SAL

Sophia, do you remember my favorite movie?

SOPHIA

I've just poured my heart out to you and you wanna play guessing games.

SAL

"A Christmas Carol".

SOPHIA

Does it say: "I give a damn" on my forehead?

SAL

I've seen you mean but this has to be the meanest.

SOPHIA

I'm sorry. Wait a minute, I didn't know that was your favorite movie. I didn't even know you ever watched that movie.

SAL

Oh I watched it a few times when you were in the kitchen cooking. Your best meals were cooked at Christmas. What I'm saying is..I haven't seen that movie in years and I probably never will see it again. But that doesn't mean I'll ever forget it.

SOPHIA

What's that got to do with me?

SAL

Think about it. I would love to be able to watch that movie now but I can't. I'd love to get to taste your cooking right now but I can't. And I'll just have to adjust to all of that. Just like you will have to adjust to me not really being here for our 75th Christmas.

SOPHIA

But we were supposed to be spending this Christmas together in a very special way.

SAL

Well..I'm here now..and you've got Dorothy and the others.

SOPHIA

But it's not the same.

SAL

Well there's nothing I can do there.

SOPHIA

Hey Sal..how were you gonna make this Christmas special? You never did tell me.

SAL

Come here. (Sophia gets out of bed and walks over to him and they wrap their arms around each other as best as they can since he is a ghost) I was going to hold you in my arms and dance the night away.

SOPHIA

You don't know how to dance.

SAL

Well that's the good thing about being in heaven. You learn all kinds of things you never dreamed of.

(They start slow dancing just as a romantic song starts playing in the background)

SOPHIA

Hey, that's our song. You remembered. I love you Sal.

SAL

I love you too Sophia.

LAST SCENE