EPISODE 7: THE RETURN OF STANLEY ZBORNACK
(Rose and Blanche are watching tv)
BLANCHE
Maybe it's just me, but the news seems to be geting more depressing every night.
ROSE
You mean all those stories about terrorists and criminals?
BLANCHE
Well no actually I was talking about how boring the news has gotten.
ROSE
What do you mean?
BLANCHE
Just tonight the lead story was about some guy whose chicken was best friends with a dog.
ROSE
But wasn't it so sweet when they were laying down together.
BLANCHE
Rose, that dog looked at that chicken like it was the main course.
ROSE
Then why did you watch it?
BLANCHE
Did you see that man who owned the dog and chicken?
ROSE
Blanche, he looked almost 80 years old.
BLANCHE
Not him. His grandson. He only looked about 45. That's only a difference of 3 between our ages.
ROSE
Is that in years or decades?
BLANCHE
(gives Rose a dirty look then gets up and turns off the tv) Well I for one think the news is nothing more than pure trash and I refuse to watch it anymore.
(Dorothy walks in)
DOROTHY
Girls, could you please take ma out to dinner for me?
BLANCHE
Why can't you?
DOROTHY
Don't you remember a few days ago I signed up for that club "Be A Friend, To No End"?
BLANCHE
Not really but what's your point?
DOROTHY
It's a club for people who are lonely and need a friend.
BLANCHE
But you have friends.
DOROTHY
I know but there are people who are all alone and I want to be a friend to someone who really needs one. So I signed up. The lady who runs it, her name is Jo Anne Talbert, found me someone and we're going to a movie and maybe dinner.
BLANCHE
Sounds like a date. (smiles) Where can I sign up?
DOROTHY
Blanche, this isn't a dating service.
BLANCHE
I'll make it one.
ROSE
It sounds interesting Dorothy. But why do you need us to take Sophia out?
DOROTHY
Well ma is so critical. She'll scare the hell out of him.
BLANCHE
Him huh? So what's his name?
DOROTHY
I don't know.
BLANCHE
Liar!
DOROTHY
No, really I don't know his name. Jo Anne called me today and said to expect him at 7 and that his initials were S.T.
(Sophia walks out)
ROSE
We'll take care of Sophia for you.
SOPHIA
Uh oh, did I forget to put the lid down again in the bathroom?
DOROTHY
(laughs) No ma..I just suggested that Rose and Blanche take you out for the evening. (stops laughing) What do you mean you forget to put the lid down again?
SOPHIA
Why do you want me out of here?
DOROTHY
I just thought you'd like a night out on the town.
SOPHIA
Why? I know what Miami looks like. I don't need to go sight seeing.
DOROTHY
Wouldn't you like to go out to dinner?
SOPHIA
Why do you want me out of the house so badly?
BLANCHE
Dorothy has..
DOROTHY
A friend coming over.
SOPHIA
And you're afraid that your sweet old mother is going to humiliate you?
DOROTHY
I don't think that ma. I know it!
SOPHIA
Who is it?
DOROTHY
S.T.
SOPHIA
S.T.? Is his father Mr. T?
DOROTHY
I only know his initials.
SOPHIA
I don't think I like this. You going on a date with another man.
DOROTHY
It's not a date. It's just a friend.
SOPHIA
Well I wanna meet him.
DOROTHY
(sighs) Fine, just please be nice.
SOPHIA
Yeah yeah.
(Doorbell rings)
DOROTHY
Now ma, I don't care if this guy is the world's biggest loser, you will treat him with respect.
SOPHIA
Whatever!
DOROTHY
I'll take that as a "Yes I will be nice".
(Dorothy opens the door and there is Stan. Dorothy's eyes go wide)
STAN
Hi, it's me Stan.
DOROTHY
Yeah, sure you are.
(Dorothy slams the door)
ROSE
Dorothy, who was at the door?
DOROTHY
A ghost.
SOPHIA
You don't believe in ghosts.
DOROTHY
Would one of you please open the door?
SOPHIA
You're such a chicken. I never should have breast fed you. (walks over and opens the door) Oh hi Stan. See Dorothy? It's just Stan. (pause then turns around) Stan?
STAN
I thought this address sounded familiar.
BLANCHE
My God..you're supposed to be dead.
STAN
Can I come in please? I feel kind of strange just standing by an open door.
DOROTHY
Here, let me help you with that.
(Dorothy walks over and slams the door)
ROSE
Dorothy! The man came back fron the dead to come see you. The very least you can do is say "Hello" to him.
DOROTHY
You're right. (opens the door) Hello. (slams the door again) There..happy?
ROSE
Dorothy! (opens the door) Come in Stan.
STAN
Thanks Roz.
ROSE
Rose.
STAN
Oh yeah sorry.
DOROTHY
Rose, don't let that THING in this house.
SOPHIA
I guess this means I don't have to show any respect.
DOROTHY
Stan, I have 2 questions.
ROSE
This is wonderful!
BLANCHE
Why on earth is this good?
ROSE
This proves ghosts really do exist.
BLANCHE
Rose this isn't a ghost.
ROSE
Of course it is Blanche. Stan is dead. We went to his funeral.
BLANCHE
Rose..that wasn't Stan's funeral we went to.
ROSE
What? Oh my God..who's funeral did we go to?
STAN
I'm not a ghost but that was my funeral you did go to. I really am Stanley Zbornack.
SOPHIA
Yeah what of it?
DOROTHY
Ma, aren't you shocked?
SOPHIA
Not really. I knew he was alive.
DOROTHY
You what? You knew he was alive and you didn't tell me?
SOPHIA
Tell you what? That your yutz ex-husband was really alive when everyone else said he was dead? Yeah right, that wouldn't get me a few years hours on a shrink's couch.
DOROTHY
Girls, would you please excuse us?
BLANCHE
Sure..we'll be in the kitchen.
SOPHIA
Okay see ya I'm gonna watch.
BLANCHE
No you're not.
SOPHIA
What's the point of living here if I can't stay and watch when it gets good?
(Dorothy looks at Stan very angry)
STAN
Are you mad?
DOROTHY
I thought you were dead.
STAN
I thought you were married oh what's his name. I don't see him anywhere so I guess he left you huh? What did you do? Let him see you naked?
DOROTHY
Stan sit down.
STAN
Babe, I'm not a dog. You can't just order me around.
DOROTHY
SIT!!!
(Stan quickly sits down)
DOROTHY
Now..would you please explain to me why the hell you're here?
STAN
I was told to come here. JoAnne Talbert..
DOROTHY
Wait a minute..you're S.T.?
STAN
I take it you're D.H.
DOROTHY
Your initials aren't S.T.
STAN
That's where you're wrong babe..my middle name is Thomas. So I just made that my last name. Stanley Thomas has a nice ring to it don't you think?
DOROTHY
I can give you a better ring. Right around your neck!
STAN
I know I probably owe you an explanation.
DOROTHY
You owe me a hell of a lot more than that. Stan, why did you pretend to be dead?
STAN
I was gonna go to prison for tax evasion. And you know what happens to guys in prison? And I'm a Republican. I'd be screwed.
DOROTHY
So you just faked your death and just skipped the country?
STAN
Basically...yeah.
DOROTHY
And why are you back now?
STAN
Boredom? Well where is what's his name?
DOROTHY
Lucas is in Atlanta on business.
STAN
So you two didn't split up?
DOROTHY
No we did not.
STAN
Well now that we're done with the chit chat, what movie do you wanna see?
DOROTHY
I'm not going with you anywhere.
STAN
You have to!
DOROTHY
The hell I do! I'll tell JoAnne to get me someone else.
STAN
Don't do that! You can't!
DOROTHY
Watch me!
STAN
If you do that...(starts blubbering) they're gonna kick me out of the club. I've already been dumped 4 times. Please don't do this to me!
DOROTHY
Fine..I won't dump you..but I'm not going anywhere with you.
STAN
Okay no problem. A nice homecooked meal is fine with me.
DOROTHY
Stan, get out!
STAN
Aren't you the least bit curious what I've been doing the last few years?
DOROTHY
Not really.
STAN
I've had a very exciting 7 years just so you know.
DOROTHY
You mean it's been 7 years since I've last seen you?
STAN
Yeah.
DOROTHY
How about that? Time really does fly when you're having fun.
STAN
(sighs) Come on! How about a hug for old times?
DOROTHY
I would rather hug a 200 pound porcupine with bad breath.
STAN
How about you pretend I'm one?
DOROTHY
Stan, I don't like porcupines and do you know what I do with someting I don't like.
STAN
Maybe I should leave.
DOROTHY
Aww why? We were having so much!
STAN
That was sarcasm right?
DOROTHY
Fine, I'll give you a hug.
STAN
(smiles) Come on! Give Papa Bear a big hug!
DOROTHY
Oh what the hell?
(They walk closer to each other. Stan moves closer. Dorothy tries to avoid touching him)
STAN
(sighs) Dorothy!
(They finally hug)
STAN
This is nice.
DOROTHY
This is stupid!
STAN
I feel all warm inside.
DOROTHY
I feel nascious.
STAN
I don't know how that's possible. Little Stan hasn't even had a peek at you yet.
(Dorothy knees him. Stan moans and falls to the floor)
DOROTHY
Little Stan is now Little Pancake.
STAN
Will you help me up?
DOROTHY
Sure.
(Dorothy opens the door and kicks him out of the house, literally, then shuts the door and locks it and walks away)
(NEXT SCENE)
(Later that night. Blanche walks into the kitchen where Dorothy already is at)
BLANCHE
Dorothy? What are you still doing up?
DOROTHY
I couldn't sleep.
BLANCHE
(sits down) Still thinking about Stan huh?
DOROTHY
No, I'm thinking about how much I would like to scream every time I'm watching tv and a commercial comes at the best part. Of course I'm still thinking about Stan?
ROSE
(walks in) What's going on?
BLANCHE
Dorothy's thinking about the ex from hell.
ROSE
Stan? Why would you wanna think about Stan?
DOROTHY
He's the only guy who came back from the dead today.
ROSE
I bet Pam would know what to do.
BLANCHE
Who's Pam?
ROSE
Her ex husband came back from the dead. His name was Bobby. They remarried and Bobby went back to work in the oil business with his brother.
BLANCHE
Wait a minute. Are you talking about Dallas?
ROSE
Yeah! Wasn't that a great show?
DOROTHY
I appreciate the...dumb thought but that won't help me Rose.
BLANCHE
Well I don't see why you're so worried about it. It's not like he's trying to get you back. He didn't even know you were here!
DOROTHY
I know it's just that for some reason I feel betrayed by him again.
(Sophia walks in)
SOPHIA
What's everyone talking about?
BLANCHE
Stan!
SOPHIA
Keep talking~ I haven't been able to sleep much the last few days, this will help.
BLANCHE
Let's have some cheesecake.
(Blanche gets up and walks over to the fridge and takes out a cheesecake and starts cutting pieces for everyone)
DOROTHY
I never thought I'd say this but I don't think cheesecake can help.
SOPHIA
Pussycat, why are you beating yourself up over this? So the guy lead you and everyone else to believe he was dead. It was nothing personal.
ROSE
Sophia's right. Dorothy, it's not your fault. Of course, if you had married Stan when you ewre going to this probably wouldn't have happened. Then on the other hand you'd be married to him. Which one is worse though?
DOROTHY
None of you understand but to me it is personal. I mourned for that man.
SOPHIA
What a bunch of crap! You didn't even come to the funeral.
DOROTHY
I was too busy celebrating.
BLANCHE
But you said you mourned for him.
DOROTHY
I mourned for an hour. But that hour could have been spent in a better way.
ROSE
Something like this happened back in St. Olaf.
(Blanche hands everyone pieces of cheesecake and sits down)
ROSE
There was a couple named Hans and Greta. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple. Well..2 days before their wedding, Hans disappeared. Right around that time, Greta became friends with Hansetta. She was new to St. Olaf.
DOROTHY
Let me guess..Hansetta and Hans were one in the same.
ROSE
Yep, it but took up years to figure it out. Of course we would have found out sooner if he had worn a bathing suit.
BLANCHE
Why did he do that?
ROSE
Oh didn't I mention that Hans wanted to change his name and figured that was the easiest way?
DOROTHY
I'm gonna regret asking this but how did everyone find out?
ROSE
Well Hans used tennis balls for breasts and one of them fell out while he was doing a cartwheel at the 4th Of July picnic.
BLANCHE
(pause) That happened to me once.
DOROTHY
This has to be the worst thing Stan has ever done.
ROSE
Even worse than when he cheated on you with that blonde and all those other times during the time you were married to him?
DOROTHY
(sarcastic) Thank you for reminding me of that Rose. I really needed to hear that.
ROSE
Sorry. Blanche, what was the worst thing George ever did to you?
BLANCHE
He cut off my allowance for a month.
DOROTHY
You've lead a very shattered life.
BLANCHE
I'm serious. I had to wait a whole month before I started shopping for my winter wardrobe.
DOROTHY
(sarcastic) You poor thing.
ROSE
Why did he cut off your allowance for a month?
BLANCHE
He got all upset cause I charged his credit cards to the max. It wasn't that big a deal. He had the money to pay it. What about you Rose?
ROSE
Charlie did do something that was just terrible.
SOPHIA
Awww..was Perfect Charlie NOT so perfect for one day in his life?
ROSE
He forgot my birthday.
DOROTHY
That's not too bad.
ROSE
He did it 20 times.
BLANCHE
Didn't you ever circle the date on the calendar?
ROSE
With what?
DOROTHY
Rose..didn't you or your kids remind him?
ROSE
No! I wanted him to remember. And a few times he didn't.
DOROTHY
20 times?
ROSE
Well he might would have remembered more often if St. Olaf's Calendar Making Company hadn't decided to play a practical joke and print up wrong calendars.
SOPHIA
Sal once forgot my birthday. Course after I turned 50, I always prayed he would forget it.
DOROTHY
Stan never really gave much of a present every year on my birthday. He'd usually give me a picture of himself standing on his head, whatever he was trying to sell that month and a quickie. (pause) I enjoyed the picture more than any of them.
ROSE
What about you Sophia?
SOPHIA
When Sal found out Dorothy was knocked up he wanted to go shoot Stan and didn't.
DOROTHY
And?
SOPHIA
And what? I told you, your father wanted to shoot Stan and didn't. I think that's pretty damn bad, don't you? (walks out)
DOROTHY
I kind of wish my father did shoot Stan.
ROSE
Why didn't he?
DOROTHY
Gee Rose, I don't know. Maybe because it's a felony.
BLANCHE
So what are you gonna do Dorothy?
DOROTHY
I can honestly say I don't know. But I do know one thing. (gets up and starts walking to the door) He's gonna wish pop had shot him. (walks out)
(NEXT SCENE)
(The doorbell rings. Sophia answers the door. It's Stan)
STAN
Hi, it's me Stan.
SOPHIA
Like I care. (slams the door)
(The doorbell rings again. Sophia answers it)
STAN
Good to see you haven't changed Sophia.
SOPHIA
Ah, go to hell.
(Dorothy walks up)
STAN
Hi.
DOROTHY
Stan, what the hell are you doing here?
SOPHIA
My guess is to get rid of us as witnesses to his pathetic existance.
DOROTHY
Ma, be nice.
STAN
Thank you.
DOROTHY
So what are you doing here you waste of space man in a cheap suit?
STAN
I came to take you two to lunch.
SOPHIA
Not hungry.
STAN
And to answer any of your questions and take whatever insults you have for me.
SOPHIA
I'll go pretty up. (walks to her room)
DOROTHY
Stan, I'm not going anywhere with you. I thought I made that clear last night.
STAN
Dorothy, please. I know what I did upset you. I wanna make it up to you and maybe get you to forgive me.
DOROTHY
Stan, a 3 day old cheeseburger from a gas station made by some guy who hasn't washed his hands since the 70's isn't gonna gain gain any forgivness.
STAN
A 3 day old cheeseburger is better than nothing. Even your cooking sometimes.
DOROTHY
Stan get out!
(Sophia walks back in the living room)
SOPHIA
Let the Stan bashing begin. Oh sorry, I mean let's go eat.
STAN
Dorothy doesn't wanna come Sophia.
SOPHIA
There's a shocker.
STAN
Dorothy, I hate begging.
DOROTHY
If I did it as often as you, I'd hate it too.
STAN
One hour.
DOROTHY
Stan, it takes you an hour just to find a parking space.
STAN
Not this time my little know it all ex from hell. I have a handicap tag.
DOROTHY
You're not handicapped.
SOPHIA
At least not in the way that'd get you a tag for it.
STAN
I bought this from a buddy of mine. He makes these. Whatcha think? Only cost me 30 dollars.
DOROTHY
You're beyond insane you know that?
STAN
Please! I'm not leaving until you say yes.
DOROTHY
Fine, I'll call the police.
SOPHIA
I won't let you.
DOROTHY
What?
SOPHIA
I'm hungry and I wanna insult him.
DOROTHY
Fine, you go.
SOPHIA
What fun is insulting Stan if you aren't there to insult him with me?
DOROTHY
Never stopped you before.
STAN
Please Dorothy.
DOROTHY
Alright, no more than an hour.
STAN
Okay, when does the hour start?
DOROTHY
Now!
STAN
Are we using my watch or yours?
DOROTHY
Mine.
STAN
Oh. Race you to the car. (runs out)
DOROTHY
Why am I doing this?
SOPHIA
Cause if you don't, I'll ground ya.
(NEXT SCENE)
(Dorothy, Stan, and Sophia are sitting down at a table in the restuarant)
STAN
Whatcha think? Not bad huh?
SOPHIA
Reminds me of a place back in Sicily. So where are the rats?
STAN
There are no rats here. They got rid of them the last time I was here.
(Waiter comes over)
WAITER
Hello, I'm Dick, your waiter.
DOROTHY
What a coincidence. That's almost what Stan's nickname was in high school.
STAN
Pay no attention to her. She had so many nicknames in high school it would take more than the hour I'm allowed to tell them all.
SOPHIA
Do you believe they were married for 38 years?
DICK
It's none of my business
SOPHIA
Well I don't see you trying not to listen.
DOROTHY
Ma, order.
SOPHIA
Okay..I'll have 2, no make it 3 lobsters. A salad with everything on it. A double order of french fries. A big pitcher of iced tea. A bottle of your best wine. And a great big souffle.
DOROTHY
Hungry or pregnant?
SOPHIA
Hey if Stan's buying, what the hell?
STAN
If I actually pay for all that, would you eat all of it?
SOPHIA
(sarcastic) No, I thought I'd throw the fries at everyone, pour the iced tea in the salad and watch everything float around, put the souffle on an unsuspecting sucker's chair just before he sits down, get drunk on the wine, and then put on a puppet show with the lobsters.
STAN
I'll take that as a no.
DICK
What would you like ma'am?
SOPHIA
You're in a big hurry. I'm an old woman here.
STAN
I think he knew that Sophia.
DOROTHY
I'll order first. I'll have a chicken sandwich and an unsweetened tea.
STAN
And I'll have a steak and a beer.
SOPHIA
Like hell you are. You're not gonna drive me and my daughter around after guzzling down a couple beers.
STAN
Light Beer.
SOPHIA
That's better.
DOROTHY
Ma, there's no difference..
STAN
Don't..you..dare!
DICK
(looks at Sophia) And for you?
SOPHIA
Make the oldest go last huh? Typical. Dick! Get it over here! I want something that won't hurt my dentures. Last time I hate here, more stuff came out of my mouth then went in.
DICK
I'll do my to ensure that won't happen again.
SOPHIA
Whatever.
DICK
The Caesar Salad is nice.
SOPHIA
Okay, but if anything falls out, it's on your head.
DICK
So noted. (walks away)
STAN
So, how have you two been?
DOROTHY & SOPHIA
Fine.
STAN
Anything new?
DOROTHY & SOPHIA
No.
STAN
How's married life?
DOROTHY
Fine.
STAN
How's old age?
SOPHIA
Beats death.
STAN
So anyone else come back from the dead?
DOROTHY
Nope.
SOPHIA
Thank God for little favors.
STAN
So, what do you wanna talk about?
SOPHIA
Nature calls.
STAN
Not my favorite topic but I guess it'll do.
SOPHIA
(gets up) No you yutz, I gotta go to the bathroom. (walks away)
STAN
Now that we're alone..
DOROTHY
You lay one finger on me I'll break it into a thousand pieces.
STAN
(nervous laugh) You never cease to amaze me babe.
DOROTHY
What's with this babe talk?
STAN
I've always called you babe.
DOROTHY
That was before you decided to play dead.
STAN
Can't you forgive me?
DOROTHY
Why should I? Can you give me one good reason why I should?
STAN
I'm paying for lunch.
DOROTHY
So just cause you're paying for a cheap lunch I should forgive you for 7 years of lies? Tell me you're kidding and I won't pour this water down your pants.
STAN
I said I was sorry.
DOROTHY
Well I don't really wanna hear that.
STAN
What do you wanna hear?
DOROTHY
I wanna hear why?
STAN
I told you why.
DOROTHY
Okay, then tell me why you could tell my mother and not me?
STAN
Cause over the years after we were divorced, not counting the times we were getting back together, she still treated me like who I was. And when she thought I was dead, she seemed to truly give a damn.
DOROTHY
You still see ma as a mother to you don't you?
STAN
Yeah I guess I do.
DOROTHY
You know what Stan..I've heard all kinds of stupid stuff come out of your mouth and I have to admit that..what you just said has to be..the stupidest.
STAN
What?
DOROTHY
(smiles) Just kidding.
STAN
So, do you forgive me?
DOROTHY
I don't know. I have to admit, ever since I moved back in with the girls, I haven't really felt back yet. Now with you back in my life as well, I think things are really coming back together and my life is like it was before I left.
STAN
What are you saying?
DOROTHY
I'm saying "Welcome Back Stan". Welcome back into my life.
STAN
Hey, you too babe!
(They hug and Sophia comes out and sees this)
SOPHIA
Oh my God I'm having a nightmare.
DOROTHY
This isn't what it looks like.
SOPHIA
Oh, you weren't hugging and touching each other?
DOROTHY
Just hugging..no obscene touching.
(Stan is smiling and has his hand on Dorothy lower back)
DOROTHY
Stan..
STAN
Yeah?
(Dorothy takes her water and pours it down his pants)
DOROTHY
(smiling) Welcome back Stanley!
(THE END)