Dorothy: Blanche Are you sure you're pregnant
Blanche: I just did a home pregnancy test - it's right here.
Rose: It looks like a perfume sample
Dorothy: Put it behind your ears Rose.
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Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your BRA ?!!!
Sophia: I was blowing my breasts Rose!
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Dorothy: Ma, you couldn't sleep either?
Sophia: No, I was sleeping so well, I thought I'd try it in the sink!
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Rose: Sophia what are you doing?
Sophia: What does it look like I'm doing I'm cleaning out my purse.
Rose: Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?
Sophia: Excuse me Rose, I haven't had sex in fifteen years and its starting to get on my nerves.
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Blanche: I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that you have ever read a scientific journal.
Rose: Fine, believe what you want, I don't care....hypersexual bitch.
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Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to relax in a hot, steamy bath with the water high enough to cover my perky bosoms....
Sophia: You're gonna lay in an inch of water!??
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Blanche: I don't look right in American clothes , i have a more european Physique
Rose: Oh, In Europe, do they all have big butts, too?
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Dorothy: You're just jealous because I have a date on Saturday night and you don't.
Blanche: Saturday night? Kid stuff. Get lucky on a Tuesday, then call me.
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Uncle Angelo: Oh hello?
(Rose & Blanche dressed in nuns costumes)
Rose: Uh...I'm Sister Rose
Blanche: Yes, and I'm Sister Blanche (looks down at her bra in her hands) and we're collecting lingerie for needy, sexy people
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Sophia: I'm not leaving now it's just getting good!
Dorothy: Shady Pines Ma.
Sophia: I'm right behind you!
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Rebecca: I'm havin' this baby in a birthin' center. They emphasize natural childbirth without any painkillers.
Blanche: Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come OUT?
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: This is a birthing center? Where's the equipment? Where's the doctor?
Sophia: Yeah, she'd be better off having the baby in your bedroom, at least you have stirrups.
Dorothy: And there's a better chance of finding a doctor.
Blanche: First Becky conceives in a clinic and wants to deliver in a bedroom. She's got the whole thing backwards. Oh this is all wrong. What kind of dope would wanna have a baby here?
Rose: This place makes me wanna run out and get pregnant.
________________________________________________________________________
Rose: I'll have to go on the St. Olaf "I can't believe this is cheese" diet.
Dorothy: Oh, and what is that, Rose?
Rose: You eat nothing but rice!
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Hi Fidell!
Sophia: Beat it you 50 year old mattress!
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche(talking about an excuse for Miles to Rose): Well, just tell him you have a lot of work at home.
Rose: But I don't want to lie!
Blanche: OK then, we'll make you clean out the garage later.
Rose: Oh thanks, I owe you big for this one! ________________________________________________________________________
Sophia: Oh my God!, the curse!
Dorothy: Ma it's the nineties call it what it is, our monthly visitor.
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche: No,no,no please I cannot bear that again! She was listening to her car radio,big band not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle then Bim Bam Boosh, won the tickets!
Dorothy: Take a lesson Rose. That's how you tell a story!
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Blanche: But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise...a genuine Elvis artifact!
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop.
(It gets passed to Dorothy and she looks at it.)
Dorothy: This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop (starts to laugh)
Blanche:Dorothy you're outa the club.
_______________________________________________________________________
Dorothy:What happened?
Blanche:She shot my vase
Dorothy:What are you doing shooting are you crazy?
Rose: I heard a noise I thought it was the robbers.
Sophia: I lived 80, 81 years I survived war, pneumonia, 2 operations. One night I'll belch and "Stable Mable" here will blow my head off !!! _________________________________________________________________________
Rebecca:I was artificially inseminated. It's not like I slept with every man in town.
Dorothy (to Sophia) Cheescake ma? (immediately after)
Blanche:I have a reptutation in this town. Dorothy (to Sophia):Chew it carefully, Ma. Like they taught you at Shady Pines Pines. (Sophia chews on her own without saying anything)
_________________________________________________________________________
Rose:We should put out the welcome mat.
Blanche:But honey, we don't have a welcome mat.
Rose:What about the one Dorothy always says is at the foot of your bed? ________________________________________________________________________
Sophia(to Rose):You're a lot smarter than people give you credit for. You've got common sense and you know what you're doing. (turns to Blanche):You're a slut.
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Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.
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Blanche: Listen did you hear that sound?
Sophia: "Yeah and as long as I'm in my own bed I'll do what I want.
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Blanche: Now I know why Hemingway killed himself oh girls I have writers block- it is the worst feeling in the world!
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
Blanche: You just keep sitting there and sitting there.
Sophia: Tell me about it.
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(Dorothy and Blanche are mistakenely labeled as lesbians on a talk show)
Sophia: What kind of pain and embarassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?
Dorothy: I really don't know but I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at THE HOME.
Sophia: No more questions.
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(The Girls air-conditioner broke down and Sophia is standing in front of the refridgerator while exposing herself)
Dorothy: Ma what the hell are you doing??
Sophia: I'm giving the left-over meatloaf a thrill- what do you think it's hot as hell in here!
Dorothy: Well close it before the food spoils.
Sophia: Okay! (covers herself)
Dorothy: I meant the refridgerator!
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Dorothy: I just thought pop didnt like me. like he didnt love me.
Sophia: he loved you, in fact he said "Anyone would want a daughter like this".....of course he was saying it to the gypsies.
Dorothy: Do you have any idea how much that hurts me when you say things like that?
Sophia: No, when i'm dead, drop me a note.
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Blanche: I'll give you anything. I'll give you one of my sons!
Dorothy: Blanche!!
Blanche: Dorothy, I've given this a lot of thought. I've had 3 sons, I've never had a Mercedes. Which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma!
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(Sophia walks in the kitchen wearing very dark sunglasses.)
Dorothy: Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Orbison. Ma, I know you can't see out of those!
Sophia: Are you kidding? I can see just fine. (Motions to Blanche.) Who's the black guy?
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Sophia: Ow!
Dorothy: What is it, ma?
Sophia: Pain!
Dorothy: What kind of pain?
Sophia: The kind that hurts!
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Rose: [to Blanche] Once I read your diary
Blanche: You WHAT?
Rose: Well you left it open on the kitchen table. I was 20 pages in before I realized it wasn't a Sidney Sheldon novel!
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[The Girls are on a plane to a funeral for one of Rose's relatives, whom she didn't like. Dorothy is a little drunk.]
Rose: Aunt Gretchen was always a very rigid person.
Dorothy: Especially now!
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[Sophia is in a grocery store at the fruit counter.] Sophia: Haven't you got any decent nectarines?
Clerk: You're crazy! This nectarine is beautiful! I've never seen a more perfect piece of fruit!
Sophia: Yeah? Then try kissing my behind! It's a real peach!
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Blanche: Do you know what I hate doing most after a party?
Rose: Trying to find your undies in the big pile?
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Rose : Hasn't this been a great day - I found my father, Dorothy found her mother....
Blanche : And I found you can't give a sponge bath without a patient's permission.
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Blanche: You know what the worst part about getting older is?
Dorothy: Your Face.....Rose's Hands?
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Blanche: My God, I am hallucating. There are little balls of sunshine in a bag.
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Mel and I were meant to be together.
Sophia: But your thighs weren't.
Blanche: I won't stand for this (she gets up and starts to walk out)
Sophia: Take it, Dorothy!
Dorothy: But I'll be you'll lie down for it!
_________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: The Great Herring War?
Rose: Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens.
Dorothy: Oh, THAT Great Herring War!
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Dorothy: Ma, I waited up until 2 in the morning for you, and you still weren't home.
Sophia: Oh yeah, me and Gertie went over to Wulfie's to pick up guys.
Dorothy: I called Wulfie's. You weren't there.
Sophia: Guess who got lucky.
Dorothy: Oh God!
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Nurse: Good morning.
Rose: Not for you nursy nurse nurse nurse.
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(A car going down the highway)
Rose: Ok, let's try it now with Dorothy! Dorothy, Dorothy bo borofy, banana fanna fo forothy, mi my morothy, Dorothy!
(Then you hear brakes squealing to a halt)
Dorothy: Get out Rose.
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Dorothy: Ma, I still can't believe what you were doing on the Interstate!
Sophia: I was living for the day, pussycat.
Dorothy: You were mooning a chain gang!
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Sophia: Dreyfuss is gone.
Blanche: He ran away?
Sophia: No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation.
_________________________________________________________________________
Sophia: Oh boy we're going to a sperm bank. I wonder if they have a drive-up window?
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Rose: I'll never forget the time they sang at our talent show right after the herring juggled act.
Blanche: You mean to tell me that somebody actually juggled herring?
Rose: No, it was the herring who did the juggling. Tiny little ginsu knives.
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Dorothy: Rose, I don't think so. No, you know how uncomfortable I am in front of the camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose: Don't worry. This is a documentary. It's okay if your not good looking.
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Dorothy: Four women live in this house. The toilet seat never has to move. You always manage to make it bang.
Sophia: Forgive me, sweetheart. Why don't you just get me a litterbox to keep next to my nightstand.
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Dorothy: The only thing me and Eddie have in common is under the sheets.
Rose: What's under the sheets?
Dorothy: His capuccino maker.
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Dorothy: He should have been here a half hour ago.
Blanche: According to the rules of etiquette, you should never wait more than twenty minutes for a date.
Sophia: She's already waited six months for a date. What's another half hour?
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Blanche: I'm wound up tighter than a girdle on a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.
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Rose: Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shandee Uniform your wearing?
Sophia: No, Rose. I'm off to discover the straits of Magellan. Yo ho!
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Blanche (to Dorothy after she comes home from a date in an evening dress): Dorothy Zbornak, are you just getting in?
Dorothy: No, Blanche. I got up early and went jogging in a park with a really strict dress code.
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Sophia: Angelo, you gotta help me. I'm in trouble.
Angelio: Then this boy will marry you.
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Well, Mr. Pffifer . . .
Mr. Pfifer: That's P-ffifer. The p is not silent.
Dorothy: Well, uh, Mr. Pfifer, uh, we're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfifer (to Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche): Isn't that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.
Sophia: Hey, uh, Pfifier, how would you like a punch in your pface!
Rose: The funeral is for a neighbor [Frieda Klackston].
Mr. Pfifer: Oh, well, my condolences.
Dorothy: No, there's no need. We didn't like her.
Blanche: In fact the whole neighborhood dispised her.
Mr. Pfifer: I see, well how did she pass on?
Sophia: She killed her. (Points to Rose).
Mr. Pfifer: Rough neighborhood.
Dorothy: Uh, look, Mr. Pfifer, about the pfuneral, about the funeral arrangements . . .we want something nice, elegant..
Blanche: And incredibly cheap.
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Blanche: This is like the TWILIGHT ZONE. Somehow we got on a train that ended up in Rose's mind.
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Blanche: Girls, how does this dress look on me?
Sophia: What's the difference? In half an hour it'll be crumpled up on the floor next to an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
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Blanche: It's not just a full moon, Dorothy. It's a leap year's full moon! All your dreams can happen if you just belive! All you have to do is believe!
Dorothy, clapping: Oh, I do believe! I do believe in sluts!
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Dorothy: Ma, where have you been?
Sophia: I always believe that when you're in a hospital, you should go around and cheer the other patients up.
Dorothy: Ma, that's so nice.
Sophia: Yeah, so I went upstairs to Geriatrics and sang "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better".
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Edie: Your Pussycat, too?
Dorothy: I'm Pussycat One. You're Pussycat Two.
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Rose: There's a strange man on our front lawn.
Blanche: Get the net!
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Dorothy: How long did you wait to have sex after George died?
Sophia: Till the paramedics came.
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Blanche: I am abhored.
Sophia: We know what you are Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.
Blanche: Sophia, I said abhored.
Sophia: Abhored, a slut, a tramp. It's all the same.
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Sophia: What's the number of the police station?
Rose: Is there anything wrong Sophia?
Sophia: Nah, I just want to find out where I can buy the best donuts.
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Blanche (to Marla and Jackie): Well, just let me freshen my makeup. Girls, why don't you come come with me and I'll show you how I transform myself into a fresh faced innocent young thing.
Rose: Could you skip the innocent part, blanche, the show starts in two hours.
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Sophia: Who's this?
Rose: Holly this is . . .
Holly: Oh, wait now Rose let me. She's fiesty, zesty, and full of Old World charm: Sophia.
Sophia: She's moby, dopy, and full of crap: Rose's sister.
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Dorothy: I got married before my father finished the sentence.
Rose: You married your father?
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Blanche: I'm having a vegatable plate..you probably haven't noticed it, but I put on 3 pounds.
Sophia: On each side.
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Sophia: I'm settling my estate.
Dorothy: What estate? Your bus pass and loofah sponge?
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Blanche: I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo!
Dorothy: That's...pretty jumpy.
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Sophia: Why is it that every time someone visits, I have to sleep with Dorothy? Why do I get the short end of the stick?
Dorothy: Because you ARE the short stick.
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Dorothy: Get back here you little old Sicilian gecko!
Sophia: I wuv you!
Dorothy: Too wittle too wate!
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Blanche: What if it was my eulogy.
Dorothy: What?
Blanche: What if you were giving a eulogy for me? What would you say?
Dorothy: Oh, come on Blanche.
Blanche: No, I'm serious Dorothy. What would you say?
Dorothy: Well, I guess I'd say that you were a lovely, generous person and one of the best friends I ever had.
Blanche: Nothing about my looks?
Dorothy: I'd say that you were one of the prettiest friends.
Blanche: One of?
Dorothy: The Blanche! The prettiest!
Dorothy: What would you say about me?
Blanche: Dorothy, come on.
Dorothy: I told you. You can tell me.
Blanche: Well, I would say I always felt safe having you in the house and I would say I always enoyed talking to you when I'd come home from one of my numerous date and I would say I always looked up to you like an older sister."
Dorothy: Thank you, Blanche. Oh, and I forgot one thing. I would also say your fat.
_______________________________________________________________________
Rose (to Baby the pig): There you you get in this kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pig fanny.
Sophia: All right. I'm going, I'm going. Oh, sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner at the home.
_______________________________________________________________________
Sophia: Dorothy have you seen my teeth?
Dorothy: There in your mouth Ma.
Sophia: I know that. Don't they look good today. I ran them through the dishwasher.
_______________________________________________________________________
Sophia (to Greta): Is it true what they say about black men in bed?
Blanche: Oh, yes definitely. Oh . . . yes definitely that is something I would like to know about too.
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Since when do you care how you look.
Dorothy: I think it started when I came down from the belltower and had my hump fixed.
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Dorothy: Well, I can understand that. I mean women like me don't grow on trees.
Sophia: Too bad! We could use the shade!
_______________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Even if he never calls again, at least we'll always have Don's Crab House.
Sophia: Ingrid Bergman had Paris, my pussycat has crabs.
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Dorothy: Hi, Blanche.
Blanche: Eat dirt and die trash!
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Dorothy: Ma, I said I was sorry.
Sophia: The least you can do when we're going to see a movie is say it's a foriegn film.
Dorothy: What is the big deal?
Sophia: I had to stand i front of the screen just to read the subtitles and all that runing back and forth to complete a sentence almost killed me.
_______________________________________________________________________
Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Like no one else.
_______________________________________________________________________
Frank: Good evening.
Blanche: Good evening, Father. My, my this must be an important call. Don't you usually make the nuns ask for money? I'll get my purse.
Frank: I'm Frank. I'm here to see Dorothy.
Blanche: Your the hunk? I mean, forgive me Father. That is, not in your official capacity. I'm not even a Catholic - I'm a Baptist and you can't forgive a Baptist. Sweet Jesus why am I babbling? I meant that in all due reverence. I never take the Lord's name in vain. Oh, my God now I'm lying to a priest.
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Rose: Hi, Blanche.
Blanche: Must you always be so cheerful you empty headed Mary Poppins knockoff.
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Look at the shameless way she's flirting with him. Disgusting!
Rose: You flirted with him.
Blanche: I'm from the South. Flirting is part of my heritage.
Rose: What do you mean?
Dorothy: Her mother was a slut too.
________________________________________________________________________
Sophia: Picture it. Morocco. The 30's.
Rose: The 1930's?
Sophia: No 30 degress. Do I look like Willard Scott.?
________________________________________________________________________
Frank: You look lovely tonight.
Dorothy: I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.
________________________________________________________________________
Blance: Come on, Rose.
Rose: But what about [I Love] Lucy?
Blance: We'll watch it on the portable in the kitchen.
Rose: But that set's black and white.
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: I gotta feeling your a wild woman!
Rose: You bet I am. I eat raw cookie dough. And sometimes I run thru the sprinklers without a shower cap.
Blanche: I think I better keep looking.
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: How about some whip cream?
Blanche: I think we still have a can. I'll get it. It's in my bedroom.
Dorothy: Never mind Blanche.
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia: Because he knocked you up!
Dorothy: Why did I ever let this happen?
Sophia: Because he got you drunk!
Dorothy: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia: Beats the hell outta me!
________________________________________________________________________
Guy Corban (on Grab that Dough!): Now for $100, fill in this common phrase: 'Better late than . . .'
Blanche: Pregnant!
________________________________________________________________________
Rose: I haven't been this scared since 1952, when St. Olaf's active volcano threatened to erupt. Well, luckily there were some druidpriests who were in town for the opening of Stonehengeland. They said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the towns dumbest virgin. I don't know why I raised my hand.
________________________________________________________________________
Charlie's Army Buddy: Rose Nylund?
Sophia: No, and if I ever start acting like her pull the plug!
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Who knows my body better than I do?
Sophia: Any man in Miami not attached to a woman or a respirator.
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you.
Sophia: I tried to but every time I put in a dime and dial a condom popped out. (opens her purse) Here want one?
________________________________________________________________________
Blance: Now she's just a child. You can't expect a child to give back a toy. You do understand don't you?
Rose: Cut the crap and get back the damn bear!
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Now look, Blanche, we're in public now. There's no reason to be hostile.
Blanche: Oh, yes there is. I don't like you.
Dorothy: And horizontal stripes make you look like Roger Ebert.
________________________________________________________________________
Rose: You must be Dorothy!
Dorothy: And you must be Mrs. Rogers!
________________________________________________________________________
Rose: Do the minks really have to be killed?
Sophia: No, Rose, many women like wearing coats that urinate.
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