Blanche: What’s funny about that?
Sophia: You aren’t suprised?"
Blanche: Of course not. I’ve never known any personally but isn’t Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche, lesbian.
_________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: I’m simply questioning how any man could possibly
choose you over me.
Dorothy: It’s not working Blanche.
Blanche: I suppose there could be some exceptions: convicts
who haven’t seen a woman in twenty-five years.
__________________________________________________________________________
Sophia (she lost her glasses and can’t see): Oh, my God.
That’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.
Dorothy: Ma, it’s a pig!
Sophia: Hey, you were no great looking when I brought you home
from the hospital.
__________________________________________________________________________
Rose: Do you know that promotion that I was up for at the
couseling center? Well, I found out I can’t have it unless I
become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh, honey don’t do that. No job is worth having to
date women.
__________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Ma, are you awake?
Sophia: Is it morning already?
Dorothy: No ma. I have a question for you. What would you do if you found out one of your children was..gay?
Sophia: I know you don't get many dates, but stick with you what you know.
__________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Ma, Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Sophia: (starts laughing)
Dorothy: Ma, it's not funny.
Sophia: The hell it's not. Jean in love with Little Miss Muffit, come on!
__________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: A man has so much more to offer than a woman. You know what I mean Dorothy?
Dorothy: Yeah I found that out in the 3rd grade when Bobby Johnson was running for Class President.
Blanceh: What does have to do with anything?
Dorothy: Well his campaign slogan was: "Vote for me and I'll show you my wee wee". (pause) He won by a landslide.
__________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Mr. Gordon is probably over seventy by now. He’s
practically ancient.
Sophia: Seventy is ancient? If I met a man that age who
looked half way decent I’d be on my back before you could "I’ve
fallen and I can’t get up."
__________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: I only have half of the 2500 and since I don’t qualify
for a bank loan
I’m just going to have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia: Hold it! No daughter of mine is selling her stuff.
It’s a sin, it’s a crime, and let’s face it, Dorothy, lately
you can’t give it away.
Dorothy: Ma, I’m talking about selling some of my belongings!
__________________________________________________________________________
Sophia: I am not incompetent, once I laughed too hard, I had a little accident.
__________________________________________________________________________
Rose: Sophia, what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside
the house?
(Sophia opens her trenchcoat and flashes Rose)
Sophia: You tell me Rose.
Dorothy: Ma!
Rose: Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now or does her dress
really need ironing?
__________________________________________________________________________
Rose: Hi, Stan. Where’s your hair?
Stan: Oh damn, I should have never let the sun roof down.
__________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Listen, mom, we can not afford a new t.v. We’re using
the household money to repair the roof and repave the driveway.
Sophia: Great and what am I supposed to do while every other old
lady on the block is watching Cosby?
Dorothy: Well, you can sit in the new driveway and hope that an
amusing black family drops by.
_________________________________________________________________________
Rose: We had a pig once. All the male pigs loved her. Oh, she
was very beautiful and she got pregnant and we never knew who the
father was.
Dorothy: Oh, my God Rose. What did you do on Father’s Day?
_________________________________________________________________________
(Blanche is talking to the doctor concerning her daughter’s
wanting to be artificially insemenated).
Blanche: Well, I have heard enough! No Devereaux has ever had to
go to a bank for sperm. I certainly haven't!
Dorothy (to the doctor): She's always relied on the kindness of
strangers.
_________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Why don't we show Mr. Vaughn around the theatre.
Blanche: Well, why don't I show you around, since I have
had the most experience performing here.
Dorothy: The parking lot doesn't count Blanche.
_________________________________________________________________________
Rose: What’s the matter Sophia? You couldn’t sleep either?
Sophia: No, I was sleeping great Rose. I just wanted to show off
my pajamas.
_________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone. Day or night.
_________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Your blood pressure is up, your tired, and you
absolutely have no color.
Sophia: I’m an old white woman. I’m not supposed to have color.
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: It is not a fly, Rose.
Rose: Spanish fly is not a fly?
Dorothy: No.
Rose: What is it?
Dorothy: It’s a beetle.
Rose: They call it a fly but it’s really a beetle?
Dorothy: Yes.
Rose: How do they know it’s Spanish?
Dorothy: Cause it wears a little sombrero Rose!
_________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Dorothy, where’s my heating pad?
Dorothy: How should I know?
Blanche: If this isn’t it I’d like to know what other electrical
appliance your using under that blanket.
_________________________________________________________________________
(Sophia breaks Dorothy's watch.)
Dorothy: Ma! Stan gave me that watch when we got married!
Sophia: Well, the marriage never worked, why should the watch?
_________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: This is loaded with caffiene.
Rose: But we need caffiene especially women our age or our bones
will get brittle and we walk all stooped over.
_________________________________________________________________________
Sophia (to Rose, Blanche, and Dorothy): What are you doing?
Rose: We’re having a group hug.
Sophia: Well, knock it off. The neighbors will get the wrong idea.
_________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Blanche, what exactly makes you think he's your man?
Sophia: Who?
Blanche: Maybe the fact that I found him first.
Sophia: Who?
Rose: What about the fact that he dumped you for me?
Sophia: Who?
Dorothy: Laszlo, Ma.
Sophia: Who's Laszlo?
Rose: A Hungarian artist we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia: In the future, a simple "None of your business Sophia"
will suffice.
_________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Do you know how it feels to have someone not believe
you?
Rose: I sure do, back in St. . . .
Blanche: Rose, I was about to tell a story!
Rose: I wanna tell one!
Blanche: Dorothy?
Dorothy: God, this is a no-win situation but go ahead Blanche.
Rose: Fine! You might never get to hear my story.
Dorothy: Then I was wrong, this isn't a no-win situation!
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Am I a terrible person.
Rose (she’s half asleep): I don’t know. Who are you?
Blanche: It’s me Blanche.
Rose: Oh, Blanche your not a terrible person. Your just horny
all the time.
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Ma, I'm taking the dress back to the mall.
Sophia: So?
Dorothy: So I'm sorry for what I said earlier, and I'd really like
it if you came along and helped me pick out another one. What do
you say?
Sophia: What do I say? I'm your mother Dorothy! I was there for
you when you needed a communion dress, I was there for you when
you needed a prom dress, I was there for you when you needed a wedding
dress and sfrankly, I'm sick of it. Buy your own damn dress!
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man’s
ears is directly portionate to the size of his other body organs.
Rose: What do you mean?
Dorothy: He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Rose, what was your first impression of me?
Rose: I thought tou wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was
wrong. You don’t wear too much make up.
________________________________________________________________________
Rose (to the supermarket cashier): Uh, excuse me. You made a
mistake. That Windex is not on sale this week. The regular price
is a $1.99.
Dorothy: Rose, why don’t you just save it for the Price Is Right.
________________________________________________________________________
Rose: I remember the last time I tried to give a speech. I was in
high school. You want to hear about it.
Blanche: Would you follow us if we tried to make a run for it.
Rose: Yes.
Rose tells her story) Sophia: Next time I say we try to
out run her.
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche (she has the flu): Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad
and still look so good?
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche (to Dorothy and Sophia when she is showing them the house
for the first time): This is the lanai. It is wonderderful in
the summertime especially if you like to sunbathe with your top off.
Dorothy: Oh, really, really and the neighbors can’t see in?
Blanche: Oh, sure they can.
Sophia: The woman has ‘slut’ embroidered on her underwear.
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Oh, hello girls. Dorothy, Rose, you all remember Laszlo?
Rose: Of course. Laszlo, the artist from your museum. Oh we really
enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.
Laszlo: I didn't think anyone was paying attention.
Rose: We sure were, especially Dorothy. She even talked about
taking up sculpting.
Laszlo: Really, Dorothy?
Dorothy: No, I didn't . . .
Rose: Yes, you did. You said you'd like to help him mold his clay
or buff his marble anytime.
_______________________________________________________________________
Rose: How did you set off the alarm?
Dorothy: Cigarette.
Rose: Oh, no thank you. I don't smoke. Now how did you set off the
alarm?
Dorothy: I smoked a cigarette you amoeba!
_______________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: You know, until I met you Rose I didn’t know that
people actually talked back to their Rice Krispies.
_______________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: I hate seeing Ma like this.
Blanche: Dorothy, I hate seeing you like this.
Rose: I hate those FBI warnings at the beginning of movies.
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche: (at Christmas) Well Rose its a beautiful blouse
Rose: I hope u like it, Dorothy said you would like something crotchless
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Why, Derek! Did I just hear you ask me on a date?
Sophia: (standing near the kitchen door) Are you deaf, I heard it from hear?!
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche: One thing I know is I haven't lost my hour glass figure
Dorothy: But it looks like someone poured about 90 minutes extra sand
into it
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche (in reference to the housekeeper they are about to fire): But
she's making me a love potion!
Dorothy: Use vodka and black underwear like everyone else!
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche: This heat's driving me crazy. Repair Man: You're not the only one- the old
lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear. Dorothy: There's no old lady
living------MA!
_______________________________________________________________________
(Rose is separating eggs and
putting the yolks in a zip-lock bag) Sophia: Rose, what are you doing? Rose: I'm making omelets
without the egg yolks to cut down on cholesterol, but then I'm left with all these yolks that I don't
want to throw away--so I'm giving them to the homeless. Sophia: Fine, give them to the homeless.
They'll have heart attacks; they won't need homes. Rose, your heart is in the right place, but I don't
know where the hell your brain is.
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche: You know girls, we are going on a romantic cruise with Jeff, Rich and Randy
and we may need to bring...you know...protection. Rose: What do you mean. Dorothy: Two armed guards Rose. No Blanche was talking about what's over there.
those (points to a counter). Rose: A Hershey bar? Dorothy: Over one. Rose: A pack of gum?
Dorothy: To the left. Rose: Hair dye? Dorothy: CONDOMS, ROSE. CONDOMS, CONDOMS,
CONDOMS!
_______________________________________________________________________
Blanche's boyfriend: (Blanche
told him that her grand daughter is her own baby) Isn't she the most beautiful mother you've ever
seen? Sophia: GRAND! Just GRAND!
_______________________________________________________________________
Rose: You...you...you rude person! Dorothy: Go easy on him, Rose.
_______________________________________________________________________
Rose: Back in St. Olaf, we would settle a dispute
like this with some good old-fashioned log rolling. Dorothy: Sorry, Rose. My log is in the
shop!
_______________________________________________________________________
(Dorothy bites into a chocolate) Sophia: What'd
you get? Dorothy: I'm not sure, it tastes like coconut, and it's white, but there's a red ring around the
outside. Sophia: Oh, yeah! That's my lipstick. I don't like coconut. Dorothy: Have another chocolate,
ma. Your doctor was just kidding when he said you have high blood pressure.
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: If Gloria ever wrote a book about my love life I'd be furious!
Sophia: You'd get mad over a pamphlet!?
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: I'm completely honest with you, my life is an open book.
Sophia: Your life is an sports page
________________________________________________________________________
Burt Reynolds (to Sophia): Are these the roommates you told me about?
Sophia: Yeah!
Burt: Which one's the slut?
Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche: I am!!!
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Dorothy! I've just been speaking to that good looking reporter
over there who just got back from Russia and he told me some very
interesting things; it snows there in the summer time, and they
don't have very many attractive women, do you realise what this
means?? When we go to Russia I will have my pick of any man in
the country and you can make a snowman in June!
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: If I had lived with Stan before we got married, it would have saved
me from some painful memories, and a bitter divorce!
Sophia: And you might possibly have given birth to reasonably attractive
children.
________________________________________________________________________
Rose: I haven't been with a man in that...special way since Charlie died.
Blanche: Get outta here!!!!
Rose: It's true! Charlie is the only man I've ever slept with, and my first
time was on our wedding night.
Blanche: GET OUTTA HERE!!
Dorothy: Oh back off Blanche! Not all of us are classified by the navy as a
friendly port!
________________________________________________________________________
(Blanche, Rose and Dorothy mistakenly are booked into a nudist
colony, and they are checking in. The bellboy is naked and they
want to be shown to their room by the bellboy.)
Dorothy: Well just point the way!
(Blanche 'looks' at the bellboy.)
Blanche: Up! Oh good we're on the 2nd floor.
________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: Dorothy, please, this is lunacy!! Since when did you care how you
look??
Dorothy: I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my
hump fixed!
________________________________________________________________________
Detective: I failed to protect my client, but I am determined
with your help to solve these crimes and bring the
murderers to justice.
Rose: Maybe that bloody dagger will lead us to the murder
weapon!
Detective: St. Olaf?
Rose: Oh boy, he is good!
Detective: But obviously her husband was shot!
Rose: Then there must be a gun!
Detective: Southside?
Rose: Uncanny!
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Ma, I absolutely forbid you to drive a car!
Sophia: Oooh, look Dorothy... I'm shaking!
________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: Ma, I don't snore! Sophia: Please, I had to turn you away from the window so you
don't inhale the drapes!
________________________________________________________________________
Rose: It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset. Dorothy: Rose, Rose, honey, sit down
sweetheart, tell us all about it. Ma, would you get Rose some water? Sophia:
What is she going to do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset?
Have you ever heard anyone say: "Thank god, the water's here?" Call me when dinner is
ready
________________________________________________________________________
Sophia: We're out of pepperoni. I'm starving and we're out of pepperoni. Blanche: I'm sorry Sophia, honey, would you
like celery stuffed with cottage cheese? Dorothy: Hello, hello sweet mother, how are you? SOPHIA: We're
Dorothy: I defrosted some chicken, we'll eat in half an hour. Sophia: I can't eat chicken, it
repeats on me. Dorothy: Look Ma, you don't have to make excuses, if you don't want chicken,
just say "I don't want chicken." Sophia: I don't want chicken. Dorothy: Good. Sophia: It
repeats on me. Sophia: I want pepperoni. Dorothy: Blanche, would you like some pepperoni? Blanche: Oh none for me. You probably haven't noticed it, but I put on 3 pounds. Sophia: On each side.
__________________________________________________________________________
Rose: I don't drink before bed time. I stop all liquids at noon and I still wake up. Sophia: I never
have that problem, never. I sleep like a log. I never get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning like clockwork at 7 A.M. I pee. Unfortunately, I don't
wake up til 8.
__________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: And this is Sophia. HARRY: Well you must
be Blanches sister. SOPHIA: You must be blind. Blanche: Sophia's home just burned down.
Harry: Oh that's terrible. Sophia: Not to me, it was a retirement home. Do you know what they
do? They set off the fire alarm in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers.
The other half can't get out of their chairs. They got bells going off like crazy. Do you know what that
does to hearts that only beats a few times a week? It's not pretty.
Blanche: I think maybe we should be going. Harry: It was lovely meeting you all. Dorothy: Lovely meeting you too..have a good time. (They leave) Sophia: The man is a scuz ball.
__________________________________________________________________________
Sophia: Alright, alright, I can take a hint. Picture it...
Dorothy: Ma, you're not gonna tell a story are you?
Sophia: No, I'm gonna do shadow puppets. (does one) See..an elephant eating a peanut. Of course I'm gonna tell a story.
__________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: I have been
had. Dorothy:I know. And you still didn't get the part.
__________________________________________________________________________
Rose: What's gonna happen when there are only one of us left? Sophia: Don't
worry. I can take care of myself.
__________________________________________________________________________
Rose: I don't understand. Dorothy:
You should have that printed on a t-shirt.
__________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: You're jealous of me. Admit it.
Dorothy: Blanche, there is a man leaving in 10 minutes. Be under him.
__________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: I think you should take it back. (a private detective to follow Miles)
Blanche: I can't..I paid in advance.
Dorothy: Can't you get a refund?
Blanche: No, I played with nature's credit card.
Dorothy: You never leave home without it.
__________________________________________________________________________
Dorothy: You stole the pope's ring?
Sophia: Hey this is my shot at getting into the bible.
Dorothy: Ma, the bible is a done deal. Something so old and rich in history, it even makes you look middle aged.
__________________________________________________________________________
Blanche: The pope is coming here? Oh what will I wear? I don't have a thing that doesn't draw attention to my boozom.
Sophia: Try wearing make up.
__________________________________________________________________________
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