Advice to Northerner's moving South

   1.  Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will

        be instructed on how to use it shortly.

   2.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice

       does not mean Southerners can.

       Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

   3.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.

        Four men in  the cab of a four-wheel drive pickup

        with a 12pack of  beer and a tow chain will

        be along shortly.  Don't try to help them- - Just

        stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

   4.  You can ask Southerners for directions, but

         unless you already know the positions of key hills,

         trees, and rocks, you're better off trying to

         find it yourself.

   5.  Remember:  "Y'all is singular".  "All y'all

        is plural." " All y'all's is plural possessive."

   6.  Get used to hearing, "you ain't from around

         here, are you?"

   7.  Don't be worried that you don't understand

        anyone.  They don't understand you, either.

   8.  The first southern expression to creep into

        a transplanted northerner's vocabulary is the

        adjective "big ol," as in "big ol" truck or

        "big ol boy". Most Northerners begin their new

        southern influenced dialect with this expression.

    9.  As you are cursing the person driving 15

         mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle

         of the road, remember ALL southern folks learned

         to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed

         and lane position for that vehicle.

   10.  If you hear a southerner exclaim, "Hey,

          y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way.

          These are likely the last words

          either he will ever say, or worse still,

          that you will ever hear.

    11.  Most southerners do not use turn signals,

           and they ignore those who do.  In fact, if you

           see a signal blinking on a car with a southern

           license plate, you may rest assured that it was on

          when  the car was purchased.

    12.  If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it

           ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

    13.  The winter wardrobe you always brought out

            in September can wait until December.

   14.  If there is the prediction of the slightest

          chance of even the most minuscule accumulation

          of snow, your presence is required at the local

          grocery store.  It does not matter if you need

          anything from the store, it is just something you're

          supposed to do.

   15.  Satellite dishes are very popular in the south.

         When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in

         front of the house.  This is logical bearing in mind that

         the dish cost considerably more than the house, and

         should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

   16.  Be advised that in the South, "He needed

          killin'" is a valid defense.

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