February 27th 2000

what is wrong with my shoes people??!!!! actually i should say shoe. my left nike shoe lace keeps coming un-done and it is getting on my nerve. it used to be the right lace and i got used to it but now it is my left one and i hate that! oh well! argh had an emotionnaly rough day! so many memories good and bad running through my head all day. went shopping with my mom felt really good to get out of the house. we went to the ridau centre. i saw so many gangs of friends haning out with eachother and it made me remember about when i actually had friends and we did that. now i am so alone i have like one friend but he lives in toronto so it isnt like we can go out and do stuff on the week ends or anything! wish we could miss him so much it is awful. well... let's see what other memories went through my head to today?!. oh yeah remember about when steve and i were a couple and he was down here visiting and also when i went and met him for the first time. i cant help but wonder what i did to make things turn out this way. it is so amazing how fast things can change. well not to make him sound bad or anything i love him and sorry if this sounds mean towards him but because of what has happened, it took me so long to trust him and just let things be and not to worry so much and whatnot and look i did that let things be and i lost him. i am a person to whenever good things come in my life i hold onto them with all i've got because good things dont come very often . anyways asusual i dont trust anyone fully anymore and i am affraid to let things be. i cant even let myself be it is as if i always have to be a certain way for people. i am so affraid to be myself. whenever i am myself i never get what i want or who i want. anyways... i saw a girl from my old school at the gap store. i dont like her at all so it was just a hi how are you conversation. i also saw like tons of ravers which reminded me of my old friend eric. i miss him he found me in #suicide a few days back but we didnt talk much. things have changed so much between us it is sad we were such good friends but hey shit happens. well i dont feel like writing anymore of my memories some are sad some funny whatever... i just dont feel like it no more...well fuck i have so much on my mind i fell as though i am going to explode!! so much i need to ask someone but cant ack! actually no one can help anyways i am confused about alot of shit and if you cant tell by my writing, then you are confused more then i am. later xoxo