What If?
"If I Never Knew You" from the motion picture soundtrack, "Disney's Pocahontas" by Shanice with Jon Secada.


Jim's Diary--Monday

If I had never seen him lying there--wet, cold, and dead--I never would have realized just what he means to me.  I never would have known that he's my life.  It was something I could never admit to, just how much of me he is.  The thought that he would never be mine to touch again, never mine to hug him against my chest, and I would rather die than be so alone again.

I think back on the way that I used to be.  Cold and lonely, aimless without him.  Then he waltzed into my life--changes me, opens my eyes, tells me truths I would have denied.  Now I can't imagine how I'd ever live without him.


Blair's Journal--Monday

Jim,
   You don't realize how many times you've saved my life, and I don't just mean stopping bullets and psychopaths.  You saved my life when you walked into my office at the school and you saved my life when you convinced Simon to let me ride along with you, and you've saved my life by being the one and only person I have ever know whom I can and do love unrestrainedly and with everything that I am.  And if I had never known you, my life might have been quieter, safer, saner, but I never would have known how deeply I can feel about another human being, and for that I owe you my everything.


* ~ * ~ *

Jim sat across from his Guide.  //He still looks pale,// Jim thought to himself, and reached across the table to cup Blair's face in his hand, trying to impart warmth and comfort.  Though Jim knew better, he could swear he still felt the frigid drops of water on his lover's skin.  "Blair?"

"Yeah, man?"

"Don't worry about what those guys in Personnel said, okay?"  He slid his fingers through Blair's hair.  "They just don't understand."

"I know, Jim.  I just don't know how they can hate what they don't understand.  All those whispers, I know you can hear them, I can't hear them but I know they're there.  All the whispers, all the lies.  Life isn't going to be easy now that they know we're together.  You heard them, they don't want fags in the office."

"Blair, I got one question for you.  Are we *wrong* together?"

"Oh, no, Jim. I can't imagine anything more right."

"Then there you go."


Blair's Journal--Monday, Continued.

I can't imagine it, Jim, no matter what people say.  I can't imagine being without you.  It'd be like going blind after being able to see all my life.  I know I called you the Holy Grail when I found out you were a Sentinel, but you truly are the Holy Grail because you are the most precious thing to me.

Jim's Diary--Monday, Continued

I wonder if there's anything he would change.  Wonder if he would change the things we've said or done?  All I know is finally, I feel like I'm alive, after being cold and dead for far too long.  I finally feel like I know what living is, though the time we've had together hasn't been enough.

* ~ * ~ *

"Hey, Jim?"  Blair was curled up on the couch, the afghan wrapped around him.

"Yeah, Chief?"

"You don't think we're bad, do you?"

"Oh, God no, Blair.  You light up my life like nobody else ever has or ever could.  I love you, Blair, nothing is bad about that."

Blair held out his hand from under the afghan, and Jim leaned forward to clasp it, twining their fingers together as he lifted them to his mouth and kissed them.  "I love you, Jim."

"You know what I think, Blair?"

"What?"

"I think that if I never knew you, I'd lived my whole life through, empty as the sky and never knowing why I was alive having never met you."

Blair was silent for a minute.  "No matter what they say, Jim... I won't let them tear us apart."

The End

* ~ * ~ *

Disney's Pocahontas -- If I Never Knew You -- Shanice
Music: Menken, Alen
Lyrics: Schwartz, Stephen

with Jon Secada

man
If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be

And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I'd find in you
The missing part of me

In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes

And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

woman
If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true

I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

man
I thought our love would be so beautiful

woman
Somehow we made the whole world bright

Both
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us where these whispers in the night
But still my heart is singing
We were right

woman
If I never knew you
If I never knew this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be

man
There's no moment I regret
Since the moment that we met
If our time has gone too fast
I've lived at last...

Both
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright

woman
I thought our love would be so beautiful
We'd turn the darkness into light

Both
And still my heart is singing
We were right

man
We were right

And If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through

woman
Empty as the sky

Both
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you