Straight
Spouse
Support Resources
Just click on paragraph topic below.
We share common circumstances.
Is Your Marriage Still Viable?
The Music of Peggy Scott-Adams
Research, though scant, has accelerated in the past five years. It was originally estimated that approximately 2 million families in the United States face this issue. However, more updated figures reflective of the rise in numbers of "coming out" individuals as a result of gains in acceptance of gays by society more realistically are projected to be from 3 - 4 million families. Given an average family of 4 (including children) this occurrence can well impact on as many as 12 to 16 million individuals. Further, ( this is supported by the increase in computer use) the numbers of gays and lesbians who with the guaranteed anonymity of cyber chat rooms, message boards as well as personal ads reveal a much greater degree of marrieds. Therefore the original estimate of 20% gays & 35% lesbians, being or having been married escalates to closer than 50%. First hand witnesses frequenting gay bars, indicate that about 1/2 and possibly more of the men in attendance are married, with their wives unaware of their sexual preference or activities.
In the past, many gays and lesbians hid their true sexual identity out of fear of persecution and loss of employment. However, in the past 20 years, greater numbers of these individuals are emerging from their closets encouraged and welcomed by a highly visible, mobilized and supportive gay community. With the recent advent of this greater gay acceptance, more homosexuals are coming out and, consequently, more of their spouses are having to deal with a plethora of complex issues. We share common experiences. For those gays and lesbians who married (many in long term marriages in excess of 25 years) and who carefully maintained their sexual preferences as a secret from their spouses, children and extended families, the revelation of their true sexual orientation and their desire to pursue this lifestyle often has the effect of an emotional tidal wave upon their families. The initial shock of disclosure is followed by a series of feelings, issues and actions with which all must be dealt. [Back To Top] We share common emotions. The aftermath of such disclosure upon the straight spouse, following what they had considered to be a normal heterosexual relationship, is usually mired in intense confusion. Along with the normal grief process that occurs with the dissolution of any love partnership, there are strong and unique feelings of despair, self-blame, and lowered sexual self esteem. The most common thread that unites us is the sense of betrayal and the total shattering of trust brought on by years of deception. Additionally, there can be panic over the real possibility of having been exposed to or having contracted sexually transmitted diseases, including but not limited to AIDS. [Back To Top]
We
share common circumstances.
There
is a well-established and widely-recognized social protocol of acceptance
for other victims of grief, as well as a multitude of psychological
support resources which exist. Unlike them, our grieving has been steeped
in secrecy, misunderstanding and a very real fear of lack of acceptance.
Ignorance by the public of this crisis enhances the despair felt by the
straight spouse who views herself/himself as a pariah and who
understandably fears the negative impact that disclosure of the situation
would have upon any children of the marriage. Tragically, we tend to turn
inward and isolate ourselves from society and any source of support. This
oft-felt isolation results from the mistaken notion that we are the only
ones to whom this has ever happened. Without support we can push ourselves
deep into the same closet recently vacated by our gay partner. [Back
To Top]
We
share common strengths.
Our
commonality transcends our diverse backgrounds, varying geographic
locations and individual circumstances. This uniqueness can create
the group cohesion which will help us not only to survive our current
situation but also to begin to rebuild our lives. In sharing this common
issue, we create a comfort zone which allows us as a group
to reinforce each other, validate our experience and
draw emotional sustenance from one another. [Back To Top]
We
share a common purpose.
Our
goal is to offer a safe forum for self-education,
self-expression and self-actualization. It is meant to
be an open and expressive forum. It is not our purpose to indulge in
public "gay bashing" or other non-productive behavior. On the
contrary, we are totally in accord with creating a social and political
climate where one need not hide one's sexual identity. All of us are the
ultimate victims of such a climate which led to years of deceit, betrayal
and emotional devastation. The
Music of Peggy Scott-Adams
To
hear a short sample of what has become an
anthem to the Straight Spouses online, The
hyperlinks that appear in the Health
Issues: Since
the behavior surrounding this issue Online
Support: Many newly aware spouses begin Children's
Issues: The manner of dealing with this
situation by both parents is crucial in determining the future attitudinal
and emotional development of the children. It is advisable to maintain an
age appropriate approach to disclosure, and it is often advisable to seek
intervention and consultation with professionals to facilitate this
disclosure. The paramount need of children is to feel secure and loved and
to know that they in no way contributed to the situation. The
Other Side: To adequately acquaint the
straight spouse with both the path taken by the
homosexual spouse and the language spoken in
the homosexual community, there is a short list
of links to "the other side of the closet".
[Back To Top] [To Related Hot List Links]
(Hot Links are on the right side of screen)
Moving
On With Your Life: For many, a major
part of the rebuilding process is seeking out and
forming new friendships. In many cases friends
of the marriage may not prove to be individual friends of either spouse. A short list of links is Visit
our message board and
Join our regularly scheduled Recommended
Reading:
While it must seem<
that the list of books on homosexuality is The Other Side of the Closet Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends Husbands Who Love Men: Deceit, Disease, Despair Life Strategies In the Meantime Uncommon Lives: Gay Men Is he straight?: A checklist
for Married Women Who Love Women (the
following address Children's Issues)
Coping
When A Parent Is Gay There's Something I've Been Meaning To Tell You
[Back To Top]
"Bill"
Music and
Lyrics by Jimmy Lewis BMI/Warren Hildebrand Music as featured on the Help
Yourself album Performed by Peggy Scott-Adams Distributed by Mardi
Gras Records, Inc. New Orleans, LA
[Back
To Top]
About the HOTLinks
list.
[Back
To Top]
[Back
To Top] [To Related Hot List Links] (Hot Links are
on the right side of screen)
Many
straight spouses are emotionally devastated upon discovering that their
spouses have not been truthful with them about their sexual orientation or
sexual activity. This is especially true in the case of long-term
marriages and marriages that have produced children. It is incumbent upon
the straight spouse to be informed of her/his rights under the law.
[Back To Top] [To Related Hot List Links]
(Hot Links are on the right side of screen)
he
newly aware spouse will confront a
variety of issues regarding this situation. A list of
government
agencies and officials has been included
to
allow you to have your voice heard. Of particular
interest
is the website of Congressman Tom Coburn,
who
has been very active in framing HIV-related
legislation.
[Back To Top] [To Related Hot List Links]
(Hot Links are on the right side of screen)
what seems like an endless search for information
and support. For those not extremely knowledgeable of computer resources,
a list of search engines has been included to broaden your resource base.
Click the search engine listed and then you will be prompted to type a
word or words that describe the topic for which you seek information.
[Back To Top] [To Related Hot List Links]
(Hot Links are on the right side of screen)
Back To Top] [To Related Hot List Links]
(Hot Links are on the right side of screen)
included as suggestions for re-establishing
oneself in the single world and as a beginning
to rebuilding.
[Back To Top] [To Related Hot List Links]
(Hot Links are on the right side of screen)
Support Str8 Spouses of Gays
Monday Night
Support Chat
10-midnite(eastern)
[Back
To Top]
Amity Pierce Buxton
Dr. Bruce Fisher
Aileen Atwood, RN, Ed.D
Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D
Iyanla Vanzant
& Straight Women
Catherine Whitney
Women Who Wonder
Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed
Carren Strock
Deborah A. Miller, PhD
Laralee Pike
[Back To Top]
To
e-mail for more information
on any of these support resources
simply click foxed@aol.com
Any suggestions regarding the format of this
page should be addressed to webmaster.
copyright
1998, 1999, 2000
by Straight Spouse Support
Resources, Inc.
a non profit organization, created in order
to provide nationwide support by and for
individuals whose spouses or partners
have declared themselves to be homosexuals.
HOTLinks
Just click an item listed
below to go directly to the listed resource...
Legal
Issues
State
Govenment Find
Your U.S. Congressman Online AOL GUIDE: Gay
Married Men's
Officials & Agencies
Representative
Find
Your U.S.
Senator
Tom Coburn
(HIV Activist)
Support
Scheduled
Topic Chat
[then click
"Relationships
Chat" to enter
chat room.]
Is Your
Marriage Viable?
Gay
Spouse/
Straight Spouse
HELP Page
Support Group
(Chicago area)
[group for gay
married men, but
webpage recognizes
and deals with both
sides of issue]
YAHOO!
Side
Mothers Of Male
Homosexuals: A Study
Another Gay/Lesbian Natl Institute
for
Married Homosexual Men
Dictionary of
Gay Terms
Issues Resource
and Info Guide
Gay Lesbian Bisexual
& Transgender
Education
