we played the show last nite in the basment of the horrible building with the air conditioner broken and the pipes exposed the room was packed with endless faces. we had pounded them into submission with the first song and now they looked like dogs willing to lap up even the most sensless feedback. from my post i felt like a god and i had never been filled with such disgust. i watched all the girls tits as they arched their backs and thought you cunting sluts if i wasnt what i am id rape you all and then ilya gave the four beat and began his trance-like cymbol solo. i slipped the guitar off and put it to the side where my shirt was my nipple rings reflecting silver into the audience. my ribs stuck out in strak contrast to the sweat running from my black hair and i held on to the microphone like some whore and waited. rick depressed his tremolo bar and thus we launched into prison sex.
curled on the edge of the stage i remembered what it felt like the first time he did it to me, how i screamed into the pillow he had shoved into my mouth and how i decided at that little boy moment that there was no such thing as god. i remember crying along with the end of 'Daddy' when i heard it and i didnt want to remember why. the whole world was an explosion of clean linen and unbearable pain like i was being stretched and fucked from my ass to my mouth and all i could say was "daddy dont" but somehow he had convinced me that all fathers do this and this was the way of the world i thought i dont want to be alive if this is what life is. somehow as it continued i taught myself to dream as it went on i even think i began to like it. a part of me wanted to see me through his eyes and understand why he was doing this to me. a part of me wanted to show mommy the bloody sheets and say "here, here we are such the perfect family arent we mommy?" and he taught me how to do it right without gagging because he said he'd tell everyone and slit my throat if i didnt and one day he even showed me his hunting knife and at that moment i think i fell in love for the first time. he'd tell me i liked it and that was why he did this. my body would tremble against my will.
the bass filled the air, my voice clogged with sweat and my hair filled my eyes until the audience blurred into another white sheet and it was happening again. footsteps in the hall at 3 in the morning, quickened breaths and wondering if i could survive trying to fly out the window. " i have found some sanity in this shit and blood on my hands." but what is really insane is all the times i would run to the bathroom and puke everytime my girlfriend would touch me. i tried to explain but it was so much easier when the truth came out that she was just like me. and then i felt true love for the first time. but nothings been done and i stood up at that point and screamed i have come run full circle dropping to my knees again my face to the floor i whispered to my daddy my lamb and martyr this will be over so you look so fucking precious you look so precious now you look so precious and for the millionth time i pull the trigger and as the song ended with the crowds applause i could finally breathe again and open my eyes."
this is the best piece of writing i've ever read in my life, i even use excerpts from it for my signature in my email. if anyone who hits this page knows the guy's email address who wrote this, could you please give it to me? thanks.
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