I was just sitting around in chemistry one day, when I thought I'd write down my thoughts and whatever came to my head. I couldn't think of anything to write song-wise and I had read something where Kate Pierson (Of The B-52's) had said, "If you want to become a songwriter, just write, all the time." So that is where this idea came from. I suggest trying it yourself. It's pretty interesting to see what comes to your head during a certain time.



The teacher teaches, the students stare blankly off into space. Some draw dragons, some go to sleep, while some others just stare at the table. People are wearing cammo just to wear it. I guess cos they think it's cool. Of course, it's also cammo day, something which seems to me to be there just to please the rednecks. Jenny is an interesting person. She's in my AP history class, she's smart, but hangs out with the rednecks. I guess I shouldn't judge people like that, just because they're rednecks. It isn't fair. Just look at Alex's brother. He is from a redneck family I guess, but he isn't. He seems quiet, reserved. I've never really heard him say much. Maybe he gets crap from family for being different. I wonder if he shares redneck prejudices? Then again, I wonder if maybe Alex does? (Editor's note: Small ommission here, for reasons I'm not telling you. hee hee hee :)) Besides, Alex drives a VW. I don't know what that means. Randomness. Mrs. McDaniel just mentioned randomness in nature. I guess I'm being sterotypical again, thinking rednecks all drive trucks. I feel bad for Nathan. People make fun of him for a lot. A lot of it, however, he brings on himself. But that still doesn't seem fair. I do it too. Why do I make fun or laugh at people? I don't really want to. Is it human nature? Peer pressure? I think it's a combination of both. Peer nature maybe. Making fun is too strong a word, I think. I don't make fun of people because they talk funny or are fat. Except with Bart, and now I feel bad over it, everytie I do it. I'm afraid I'm becoming a hypocrite. When I try to stop teasing, people just tell me "You're too nice" or "man, we're just joking." What are these excuses? Are all the jokes self-defense? Plain cruelty? Or just something we do? Maybbe it's cruel defense. Or self-cruelty. Could be that. What we see in ourselves, we point out to others. Wow, they must be gay or they're gay (snicker, snicker) or look at that fatty. Here's a thought. Everything we drink is made of water. STarange. Maybe not. It at least has water in it. Water, Coke, Hi-C, grape juice, orange juice. What rights do we have in school? None. It doesn't seem that way. I want to leave, graduate early. Can I? Do I REALLY want to? Would it be good. What would my parents and family say. But no one knows my pain in school. My head feels like I'm in a cloud, and that fog dissolves the moment I get out of the doors, the prison cell. PRison cell? Is it. Feels like it. But school is "good." YOu need what you learn. Why can't we self educate, like Jefferson, Franklin, or Da Vinci. All great men. All smart. All motivated. All really enjoyed what they were doing. Maybe that's what we should do.





Here's my next set of ramblings :), so enjoy!:

Man, some people are really dumb. I hate saying that, because it's mean, but it's true. Nagle, to drop a name. Chickens. Chickens lay eggs. Eggs are on SAT's. SAT's in May, freak out. May is freak out month. SOL's, AP, SAT, tests, projects, school. "Our love could never take a middle road." Nathan and Chris passing notes as usual. Pervert notes. It's kinda sick. I don't understand that. "I don't know why." Cheeseburgers and floppy disks, eating millions of honey chairs. Bails of hay driving chickens from their homes, flying up and over the winterlands. 45 after 5. Not the real time. Chemistry students are so bored, always bored. Chemistry is boring, I can't pay attention. Like can't. I think my brain can't comprehend chemistry. Everyone laughs at that idea, but I don't know. It's so useless, but I guess not. In my possible careers it is, unless I want to write thrilling chemistry novels. "Joe the Chemist," and "Joe the Chemist takes on the radioactive dragons."



Here's another one, probably the weirdest, because this was really heavy stream-of-consciousness, just writing whatever came to my head when it did:

Toy boats. Killopascels, walking down streets, green woods, after eighteen minutes, running, running, running, walking, slowing, stopping. Green trees, black woods, darkness descending to upper skies. Buffalo Bill won't you come out tonight. Chickens run start, stop, go slow, not woods in houses striving baking cookies. Red schools looming like castles over despicable green moats, lurking with floating rot and algea. Prison doors shutting behind, pervnert taught, lessons learned, hatred fostered, ignorance coddled, bigots promoted. Stupid glassed creatures teaching photo at bigoted heads, fostering the hate, coddling the girls breasts in his filthy hands, panting with hated sweat. Smacking gays, lying blacks, eating women in jello wrestling men. Naked breasts being stared down by glassed faces. Throwing chairs, hitting heads, knocking off the glass, crushing the hatred. Unviolent thoughts violented by ignorance and bigoted glass faces. Unable to stand third and fourth, striving to stay afloat despite the sinking forces screaming silently with hidden raged tears. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I felt like smashing my head through a glass window*, releasing frustration and anger at the glass face and rising tensions of tests, scores, grades, papers, SOL's, testing government standards shoved down our throats with rising screaming hatred. Leaving, running, hating prison life, hating free speech, hating free hate, hating being hated. Must leave and exit the hatred that is suffocating, needing to go to accepting lands.

*In case anyone is wondering, "I Felt Like Smashing My Face Through A Clear Glass Window" is a song by Yoko Ono, and I just thought that it was such incredibly strong imagery for that feeling of overwhelming anger and frustration. I got the title wrong in this writing, though.



Here are a few more:

Prom memories and people's faces fading from memory, while their prescence remains. Those beautiful boys and girls, dressed to the tips of tongues, wondering what the mess was for. Weeks of love, and weeks of help to work on building beauty, gone several hours time. Sitting on stairs, basking in the glow of an equal man who will love me just the same as always. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend is your friend, while the enemy of a friend of a friend of a friend is a friend. We're all friends, we just refuse the beauty of each other. But love frees all, frees us from our self-inflicted chains, and just knowing of others makes you be free. Love in love with a stranger, but not a stranger, a friend of a friend. Cute couples are cute, while ugly couples are as well. Waiting to kiss the prescense I feel beside me, but knowing I can not, not now, but one day in openness I will kiss the love. So I settle with a vision of dancing with the prescence, the person, hoping one day we will truly dance.



Here's a free flow poetry, just written in a random format. 

The trees drop from beautiful leaves
Leaving dusty trails behind
Smiling faces look at me
And finally I feel loved
By real friends
I realize in the night
While listening to the soft hum
of crickets and Rufus
that I am lovable
Loved by my friends
Some, at least
Not all, perhaps
Not bigots,
because
I'm too equal oriented
For I know the only
way to human liberation
And
	peace
Is human equality
And human love




Inflated cheese burgers are blown before my eyes. Sounding high, but only clean. Various phrases pop through heads and trees fall down in the forest, butchered by empty voices, hollow hearts, vacant eyes, with no hearts. Push out the blacks in their native forests, and blaze down their houses in the jungles. In the jungles of Harlem and Boston and Chicago. Unlegal prejudice legalized by rampant ravaging cops eating tolerance and respect, congressmen and senators, supposedly leaders, leading us to hatred and intolerance running free. Legalize Slavery! Legalize bigotry! Enslave the gays! They cry from dirty mouths filled with mold. Enslave them, whip them, smack them, chain them, beat them, sell them. Return our country to intolerant days. 



I'm all too often silent
And never speak up to silence
And whenever I do
I seem to be mocked
For having a point of view

I know pain is being caused
But it's so hard to stop
And even when I try
People seem to laugh
And say it's all a joke

Empty, hollow lies are told
Every day, to every person
People say they'll love you always
But exceptions are always made

One day they'll 'love' you
The next day it's 'hate'
Even though you're no different
You're the same in every way




People wonder how anyone can be around each other all the time. I think it's love. "Shawn and Jessica are, like, one person now." "I get tired of people, anyone, after that long" (several hours). I don't think people understand what that feeling can be like. And then they laugh at people who are in love. Especially if they become one with each other. One in the John and Yoko way. Same names, combination, John Ono Lennon, Yoko Ono Lennon, even Sean Ono Lennon. Joko Lenono. That's what I want. That's what I think, hope, true love is. True love, absolute love. Never wanting to be apart. "I need love, not some sentimental feeling."*

*The actual quote, from a Sam Phillips song, is, "I need love, not some sentimental prison," but I couldn't remember it when I wrote this.



I've come to realize that one of the biggest things many men fear is women who are in control of and completely comfortable with, their sexuality. Men don't know how to handle it. They feel the need to be the powerful ones. Then, men who let women have their sexuality are often called "gays" because obviously if they don't want to think of women as a lesser being whom they can control sexually, they must be gay. I think that a reason some guys and girls 'dislike' people who accept gays and lesbians is because those accepting people are also comfortable with their sexuality and don't feel threatened. I think that scares people who are uncomfortable with their sexuality. Strangely, these people (uncomfortable ones) are usually the ones who try to appear sexually charged and are promiscuous.



I find it interesting that people always ask (Patirots, at least, army guys) "Are you willing to die for your country?" They never ask "Are you wililng to kill for this country?" I guess that's too uncivilized. So if they disguise it in other words, it sounds better. But, that's basically what it comes down to. People aren't just going to stand around and die for America. They must kill! But it's not murder! Oh, no! It's war. Once the game has been started, it's alright. It's so dumb that the goal of an attacking force is to shoot as many people as possible. Yet, if a civilian, citizen, of a country without a gun is killed, it is suddenly not killing in war, but a "tragic accident" or, in some cases, murder. So basically all that seperates us is whether or not we hold a gun. Or wear a uniform. If an opposing soldier was huddled in fear, refusing to go forward and fight, the other force would probably go for him, "Cause he's easy. You can blow him away easy. He's got a uniform, therefore it must be self-defense."



I've been asked on several different occasions, mostly in surveys, that question of "If you wwere stuck on a desert island with someone, who would it be?" That's such a hard question. It's like asking "If you could only have one friend, who would it be?" It would be impossible to pick someone, just one friend. Would I pick Jennifer? Michael? Ryan? Sarah? Nichole? Sadly, I can think of more people not to be stuck with. Of course, that would be the case for almost everybody. We dislike too many people. Either that or we are indifferent and don't try to befriend all those we meet. I try, but by no stretch have I done it. Stuck on a desert island with one person. Having just one friend. Fortunately, we don't have to decide on just one friend. We have the chance to befriend all those we meet. Unfortunately we don't do it. We don't try.



"Love"

Sometimes I try to think of what love is. And I wonder, can I know if I've never been in love? Love in the couple sense. Of course, I love family and friends. But couple love is a different thing. It's hard to put to words. Even in John Lennon's song "Love," it was impossible to capture exactly what love is. We can only use words, which are so limiting. But here is a list anyway, of words I believe are in Love, words associated with love.

Real, true, sharing, knowing, feeling, holding, touching, trust, friendship, laughter, completeness, joy, happiness, sorrow, pain, resolve, warmth, caring, helping, needing, wanting, giving, sincerity.

And so many more.

-Love is the point where two people, be it boy and girl, boy and boy, or girl and girl, can share everything. Everything they go through, they go through together. They never restrain their feelings, or hide truths from the other.

-Love is always being together. Not necessarily physically, but even when apart, always feeling the other person in you. It is two halves together as a whole, and once together, never apart again, be it physically or emotionally. Your hearts belong to each other, you grow together, and stay together.

-Love defeats all barriers, no matter what it is. Sadness, pain, sorrow are all mended in time by love. Hope springs from love. Even a bachelor or single girl who is hopeful is hopeful either for love or from love for the world and humankind. Love destroys all hate, and lasts, overcoming the boundaries. Love.



Okay, this one's kind of angry, in case you can't tell. I was angry one night at my neighbor, Mr. Caceci for some things he'd said. It's from several months ago.



Everybody wants me to think their way. I want everybody to think my way. The KKK has the freedom to march and spread hateful lies about people in this hateful country. Affirmative action sucks. Other people know blacks are stupider than them. Why don't I? I must be a retard to think we're equal. No one's equal. Of course, how stupid of me. Faggots and dykes aren't real men or women. Whitman wasn't a real man, because he was gay. Mr. Caceci is the perfect man. Opiniated, cruel, horrible, cold, mean Mr. Caceci. I am a man. Real men don't want to hurt all fags or blacks or have sex with all women. "A man is a man if he can offer his hand." Offer your hand Mr. Caceci, you stupid pig. Love people. I'm a big fat despicable hypocrite. I don't love Mr. Caceci or Mr. Kaylor. I'm a pacifist but I often feel like beating the crap out of certain people. People are so happy to point out that I'm a hypocrite. I have so much anger with no where to go. I need love. School is frightening. I have a research paper due Monday, a worksheet due Monday, a lab overdue already, chemistry homework to do, a book to read, SAT's in May, SOL's in May in Chemistry which I'll probably fail and have to take a remedial course, and my AP tests, plus probably a hundred other papers and projects to do. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!



I'm so sick of generalizations and stereotypes. Why? WHY? WHY? Why do we feel the need to make all people of any group fit into some nice little category. Men's Health: "All Men are some variation of the three stooges." NO! Why do all men have to be variations of the three stooges. Why can't Joe just be Joe and Sam just be Sam. Why do Joe and Sam have to be sexist, pigheaded people, because they're men. Everyone's different. ARGHHHHHHHHHH! It's everywhere, though. Blondes are all ditsy, red-heads have tempers. Gays are less macho. All gays chose to be gay, if one did. All women hate men, if one does. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I guess we do it even in nature. We put animals into kingdoms, phylums, classes, families, species, sub-species, little species. Why can't things just be things? Why can't people just be themselves?????!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



School is a horrible place. I feel sick to my stomach all the time, and completely worn out, exhausted. Fifth makes me sad, sixth makes me sick, seventh is relief. Restlessness plagues me, and I feel the need to collapse in tears. I want to scream. Scream for my pain, scream for my anger, scream for my sadness. Scream WHY! My only scream relief is when I listen to "Why," "Don't Worry Kyoko" and other songs from London Jam. Yoko's the only screamer who really screams like she mean it, and who I can scream with, and who really gets emotion out in a scream. Sadness, pain, frustration, wonder, amusement, need, want, love, loneliness, despair, anger, fear can all be expressed in a scream, smiply by the tone and level of the voice, the way it's used. That's one thing about Yoko that is very unique and groundbreaking. She used her voice in ways it had never been used before, to see what it could do. Amazingly, she also did those vocal aerobics for a long time without her voice breaking. She really did use it as a complete instrument, which most people never even try.



Justice is not justice, but a laughable system of hatred and bigotry. "We don't like you, so you lose. Sorry fag, no rights for you." Dickheads are appointed to leadership positions. "What's that? You want blacks to have equal rights? Screw you!" I hate the hatred! Why can't people just have equal rights? Because bigots run our government and make the laws. 



Give the world your heart
And you'll get pain
Try to be yourself
And you'll be pushed down
Try to be free
And you'll be repressed

People will hate you
For whatever you are
You might as well face it
The world ain't great

Open up yourself
And you'll be completely stripped
Light the flame
And they'll burn you down
Try to make change
And they'll lock you up
Try to make love
And they'll mock you for your peace




Pizza bells dancing on fire walls of freedom singing songs of peace and love. What is that? It's above in the sky; it's a helicopter of flame, a light of peace bringing down sex to love. Sing a song and dance with muffins, eating blueberries and pie, let's sing. Oh the sea is beautiful. What? What? What? What? What is that? Is that a love lark loving lark love life? Dance naked in the streets, dance the heat of flamed love, a power between two people, drawing close the love of power, the power of love, not loving power as physical or emotional power over someone. Love equalizes , not powers, although power is the power behind power of love, it empowers us so we feel free and love love and love life and love each other. So sing sing sing, sing of love and love will love you back.



Muncing cheese whiz, smiling at Tori, the music ringing in my ears. Where can my little dog be. Freedom over yonder, where my confidence is, freedom. Freedom? Freedom? Is that what it is? Love. Eat the respect, ingest tolerance, let it become you. Smile the winds blow, blankets of love, the gentle breeze warming our hearts, let's hold hands. Drinking Yoo-Hoo, strange, funny, yes, no, that's equally so. Dancing past the rain into each other, we merge as one. Tongues peireced feel good. Pretty shoes, neat-o. Cool autumn skies blossom parts of the discart (?), while the sunny day greens on equality and love, and life spreads out its seed of love and fertilizes humanity.



I'm going to just write one here, sitting in front of the computer, which is something I haven't done before, so it might be interesting. Peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, yummy the yum. Eating cheese and love. Let's all listen to Melanie, and be Beautiful People together. Traffic whizzes by but we don't pay attention, we're so used to angry horns and yelling people. What is wrong with love? Apparently tolerance is not good. We must fight for the death penalty! No, no, no. Peace brothers, peace sisters, love is all you need. Wow, a green lamp lamping the night lamp night sky green trees above the clouds. Chocolate bars yummy munchy. I care so deeply for the man with the pierced tongue. Young lung mung jung kung. Peanuts and free butter, may I help you? Have a nice day, and remember peace, love and equality for all of humankind.



Phrases From The Gay Lifestyle

"Hey honey did you take the trash out?"

"Did you put the kids to bed?"

"Could you go get some milk for me. I need it for this dish I'm making."

"Oh, I've had a really hard day."

"Well, sit down and I'll give you a massage. Maybe that will make you feel better."

"I fed the dog"

"Do you want to go see a movie?"

"You have the most beautiful eyes."

"Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Good morning, honey."

"That was a great dinner you made."

"I love you."

Hmmm, sounds familiar. Just like the straight lifestyle, except you never hear about that. Interesting.



And so here I sit in front of the computer on a day that just keeps getting worse and worse. I don't feel like there's anything I want to do anymore. I'm tired of my job, I'm tired of school, I'm not really even that excited about Take Back The Night. My drive is really spiriling down right now, perhaps blackened by that ever present spectre of depression and isolation. I have so many friends, yet I'm so alone. Apparently I'm self-righteous. That's what a friend said today. All I was saying was that our judicial system was corrupt, and told the story of the gay man on death row just released because of his homopobia-tainted trial. I can't handle social injustice, and for standing against it, I'm called self-righteous. I don't understand. Yoko helped me again last night, a night I was troubled with depressing thoughts and obsessiveness.

"I know you're afraid of me and the days of the world

But open your eyes and you'll see that

I'm shining for you"




"Age 39, feeling pretty suicidal..." Yoko Ono, "Looking Over From My Hotel Window." I wonder if some people realize how much harm they are doing to others in what they say and how they act. Even the churches do it. They don't accept people, and push them away for simply being themselves. People wonder (do they wonder...do they care?) why the suicide rate among gay teens is so high, but look at the huge amount of homophobia, bigotry and hatred aimed towards them. With that much pressure, it's amazing more people don't end up committing suicide. Sigh. Sometimes it's so hard to think positively when everyone is directing very negative feelings at you. I've become very cynical and negative recently, and I don't even want to be, necessarily, but I feel trapped by everyone around me and people just keep saying things that hurt me and bother me and bring me down, and I can't get away from it. I feel like my head is stuffed with a pillow or something in school, and I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of a breakdown or something. Deep sigh. I guess I just need to think positively and focus on the good things, like my friends.



Would I be a hypocrite if I slipped up and then said you shouldn't have pre-marital sex?



I was sitting in my History of Sports class today, and I was looking at some of the "jocks" in the class, and I realized that we have SO much to learn from each other. Unfortunately, we never try and we never share our feelings and thoughts with others, and wedon't open ourselves up to hear about others thoughts and feelings. I thought about how cool it would be if one of the football players just went over to one of the members of the computer club or something ande said "Hey, what's up?" and sat down, and the two just talked. I think we'd be happier people if we allowed ourselves to meet different types of people and see what other people like and like to do. I mean, for a while, I didn't talk with the athletes int eh school. Well, I did, but I wasn't really friends with them. Then I thought "What the hell am I doing? I really like these people, and they look at thinks differently, and they enjoy some different things...and I should embrace that." I know it sounds kind of corny, but it's true: If we just communicate with each other and reach out, we can really discover things about each other, and bring about better relations. As Yoko Ono wrote in her song "Straight Talk:"

Unless we tell each other what we really feel

How are we gonna communicate, and get ourselves together




I sit here under the stars
And I wonder why life can be so cold and lonely
My friends all say that I have stuff to smile about
And yes I know its true
But sometimes I feel like no one else even knows what all the things that I  go through
Inside of me there’s a storm goin’ down and I really don’t’ know how to calm it
I talk to my friends and I know they care but I wonder some times if I’m getting through

So I sit and I stare and I wonder and I ponder
And I think about all that’s goin on in my life
And I wonder why sometimes I feel like this is a curse

Depression hits hard when it hits me
It hits me like a ball in the stomach
I sit and I cry and I wonder why I was supposed to live like this

Sometimes I feel like I’m sinking down or I’m treadin’ water in an ocean
I know that the others sometimes feel like I do
And it helps to talk to them sometimes
To know you’re not alone
When you’re feelin down
There are others who feel like you

You try to numb your pain with booze and drugs
But you know that ain’t getting’ you nowhere
Sometimes I wonder if there’s anything more that I can do to get on through
Pain can be sharp, and pain can be dull, but pain is always pain

So I sit and I ponder and I wonder what’s wrong
And I think if there’s anything I can do to get through
Sometimes I feel like I’m treading water in an ocean as big as the pacific

The pain I feel sometimes is like a knife
Sometimes it feels like a little bit less
It’s like an aching it’s like a longing you feel when you see two people in love