Ok people, here are the now infamous emails I sent out in April 1999 that have earned me the nick name "Trauma Magnet" .....Enjoy and don't laugh too hard.....
Yes I , Audrey, am stepping forward to admit that just Friday I was awarded
this dubious distinction. Now it's not out of pride or a sense of
accomplishment that I am sharing this with you - it's in hopes that you too
won't find yourself glued to your steering wheel like I did early Friday
evening......
This is what happened. I broke a nail Friday morning, but it was only about
a quarter of the way into the side of the nail, BUT very far down, so that
if I ripped it off, it would not only have hurt like a SOB but all sorts of
nasty stuff might have happened. It was really bugging me by the end of the
day and I had somewhere really important that I had to be Friday night. I
had a bandaid on it all day and on the way home from work I got sick of how
it looked so I pulled it off. I was stuck in traffic waiting to go thru the
Sam Houston Tollway and remembered that I had some industrial type
"Quicktight" in my glove compartment. I don't recall why I bought it, it
was to glue something on my snowboard or something.......
Anyhow I thought
that just a teeny drop of the stuff outta work as I didn't have time to go
to a beauty supply place and get regular nail glue.......Oh and folks, these
are my real nails, not some accrylic dobeedo that I have done every two
weeks.
So I'm in traffic that really isn't moving too fast and I put my right hand
, inparticular the two last fingers on my right hand up on top of my
steering wheel and opened the top of the teeny glue thingy. This thing has a
precision tip that is about the size of a pin head and the instructions say
that you should place this very precision glue tip against the broken
surface very gently and press till just a drop comes out.......I was doing
that, and then I hit a pothole! Well the very precision tip became the "fix
the crack in the hoover damn tip" and glue went every where........all down
the sides of my fingers and in between my fingers. Instantly I saw what
used to be my ring finger and pinkie finger become one digit and at the same
time become one with my sterring wheel. I don't know if any of you have
ever accidently got this stuff on you or glued your fingers together while
using it, but it's unreal how fast this stuff bonds. I'm talking speed of
light here.
So about this time I'm approching the toll booth and in the back of my head
I was thinking that as the toll booths are staffed mostly by females maybe
one might have some fingernail polish remover, well it was apparent that
"Helga" who happily snatched my money out of my hand didn't have any nail
polish remover and no evidence of fingernails anyhow. So I get through the
booth and merge back onto the highway, at one with my steering wheel,
wondering how the hell I am going to get my fingers unstuck from the
steering wheel with out leaving them attached to it.
Keep in mind I'm
driving like 70mph at the time. So I see a Albertsons grocery store off to
the side of the freeway and decide to exit and see what I can do.
I get into the parking lot and slide out of the truck, all the time attached
and trying not to rip my fingers off my hand. So Im standing there, in like
90 degree weather, 90% humidity, my big butt hanging out the drivers side
door looking like I have an unhealthy relationship with my steering wheel.
In my poor little brain I tell myself to just ask the next person to run in
and get some fingernail polish remover. No biggie I assume. So a younger
guy , maybe early 20's at the oldest comes walking by and I ask him if he
can help me for a sec. He kinda looks at me funny and asks me whats wrong,
so I tell him very clearly like a ER nurse telling a nursing student exactly
what to do, that I will give him a $10 bucks , out of which he can keep the
change if he will run into the store and get me a bottle of nailpolish
remover ASAP.....so he's looking at me real funny like, maybe the way
Beavis and Butthead might look at a book on World Economy. I just tell him
very calmly that I have somehow glued myself to my steering wheel and could
he please hurry as this was not very comfortable. You could see his lips
tremble as he bit them to keep from falling on the ground in hysteric fits
of laughter. Then he says, :"I gotta get my brother to see this",.....and I
tell him no he doesn't gotta get his brother to see this, that he is going
to lose his chance to make approx. $9 for 60 seconds work, that most major
league baseball players don't make that much in 60 seconds.......
So off he
runs to get the remover and there I stand, feeling like a huge ass and am
hot and sweaty and panicking that I'm going to be really late meeting this
person I am supposed to meet. Finally, a few minutes later he comes running out of the store, with bag in hand and
two , what had to be friends of his that worked for Albertsons, with him.
By the time they get to me, they are all laughing uncontrollably. I'm
thinking that now would not be a good time to start a friendly chat about
how I work for the Number 2 radio station in Houston. One of the guys runs
over to his car to get some towels for me and I start to pour the whole
bottle over my fingers and steering wheel.
I got myself unnattached and back on my way, and 3, 20-somethings had the
laugh of a lifetime. I'm sure if there was a kegger that night, I was most
likely the topic of conversation for a while....I can just hear it....."Dude
I was at the store and there was like, this chick, and dude, she was like
stuck to her steering wheel dude, you shoulda seen it dude......"
After this I am avoiding any and all personal appreances I might have to
make for the radio station in the area of that Albertsons and you can be
damn sure I'm not shopping there anytime soon!
Now that you have all picked yourselves up off the floor and are hopefully
have not laughed yourself to the point of wetting your pants......well there
you have it. I know you've all been anxioulsy awaiting my latest update as
to how I am doing and all that happy shiny crap- well there you go !. You
can see that I am spending my time very wisely here in Houston, getting to
see the surrounding countryside and meeting lots of new people. I remember
answering a question in a recent job interview about making impressions on
people and how important it was to make the right one.......... Need I say
any more?
P.S. Mom and Dad , if you forward this to anyone at work, you might want to
change the name so that no one knows you are related to me.
.....and here is Email Number 2 in the Trauma File Series...Some have referred to it as the Micheal Jackson Incident... but we will just call it The Hair Incident...Scully and Mulder never had it so good....
Seriously folks, I swear, I'm not trying for the 1999 Darwin
Award......trauma just kinda follows me like, um, like ahhh, well. Hmmm, let
me get back to you on that one.
Anyhow, if I don't get the Darwim Award this year, and lets hope I don't,
I'm bound to get the '99 Trauma Magnet Award for overall dumbness and sheer
stupidity. Ya'll didn't think that gluing myself to my steering wheel was
bad enough, well I can top that, but this time, I was the only one privy to
my idiotic act.
Now most of you know that I hate the storms here in Houston. They are just
downright wicked. And well, ok, kinda scary. So anyhow, it's like 5:30
Monday morning and I am blissfully sleeping and then BAM ! Thunder and then
FLASH lightening, and I am outta bed like nothing! Bet ya'll never seen
someone move that fast. Then the lights start flickering and thats when you
think the power is going to go out. So I decide to get into the shower
while I can still see what I am washing.....oops, sorry about the mental
image there folks.....
Okay so anyways, I'm scrubbing away and then the
power goes......BUT ALAS! I prepared before hand and took a couple of
candles into the shower with me and was sorta prepared.......Let me tell
yeah though, there is absolutely nothing romantic about a candlelit shower
with ice cold water......
So I'm trying to rinse off and get outta the shower, sans power and I get
out and get dressed and start to attempt to do my hair. Those of you that
know me well are already laughing by now I bet. You know that I have a head
full of curly hair that I attempt to straighten so it resembles a good hair
day. Well that was pointless. So I decided to go au naturale, curls and
all. So I put it up and go to spray hair spray on it, to keep it in place,
ya know how it is....and spray it down and think to myself, "gee this really
doesn't smell like my hair spray" So I hold the can next to the candle and
it says...."Revlon Instant Nail Enamel Dryer".......I can't really repeat
what I said , it was loud though.
So, remember there is still no
electricity at this point, I grab one of the candles in there and hold it up
next to my head, and the mirror in the bathroom to see what the nail polish
dryer did to my hair....I'm looking all over my head and then I start to
smell something burning....and it smelled really bad too. Next thing I
notice is what looks like smoke coming from some of my curls......
Well...so I kinda held the candle a wee bit close. But never fear, I only
singed a few curls, nothing major or noticeable.
OK so there you have it, I am still alive and the burnt hair will slowly grow back. And Diana, I promise I won't drop the baby or accidently glue myself to her on my upcoming trip out to Southern California.
Okay enough for now. I'm glad you are all getting a giggle or two on my
behalf. Think of it as a public service. Ya know, I don't think I am
going to go snowboarding anytime soon like I was. Too much can happen.
Hope you are all doing well and , well doing whatever you are doing well. I
have to go, I've had way too much caffeine and need to find someone to peel
me off the ceiling.
PS......Play Hard but have fun...and for gosh sakes, if ya got it, don't let
it go.....I might find it and trip over it.
E-mail me!
