"So, you're being discharged tomorrow. How do you feel about that?" Karen Kosseff spoke quietly with Grace Celaka, her patient.
"I feel like I'm ready to get back to work," Grace nodded to herself. "Ready to get on with my life."
"But you wanted to come in for a talk with me. Why?" Karen continued, her dark brown eyes radiant with genuine care and concern. She had heard about Grace's story on the news three weeks ago, and was anxious to help this unfortunate, young womyn suffering from post- traumatic-incident-stress.
"I thought it was a good idea," Grace replied. "I've studied life saving since I was thirteen years old and I know a lot about PTIS. I saw a counselor both times I saved two other lives . . . but I've never-I've never had a victim die before . . ." Grace's voice trailed off as she turned her gaze to a nearby window. She looked back at the counselor. "I thought it would be a good idea."
Karen nodded. "How do you feel about what happened?"
"How do I feel about the accident?" Grace asked. Karen nodded. "I-I don't know that it's quite sunk in yet. It's been three weeks since, since that night and I don't know that I've come to terms with it yet. Another reason I wanted to come see you."
"How did you feel when you first woke up and found out that she'd died?" Karen pushed a little farther.
Grace was slightly taken back by the question. " I um, I don't really remember. It all seems so long ago. Um, my boy friend, Howie, told me. I guess I just, was in, shock," Grace stumbled to find her words. "Everything happened so fast. At first I just couldn't believe it. As it is, I can't believe it really happened. It's sad enough to know that a little girl has died, without, without ever being able to experience life . . . let alone to know that I was there when it happened. Part of me, from my training, knows that it wasn't my faut and that I couldn't have prevented it, but another part of me truly believes that it is my fault. That there was something I could have done, to, to save her." Grace took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself. Karen could see she was on the verge of tears.
Karen reached out and squeezed Grace's hand. "I've read over the police report and hospital records. Howie was there when it happened, wasn't he?"
Grace nodded. "He was there. I know he's been upset. I've tried to get him to see someone, but, I don't think he will."
"Now, we spoke earlier and you mentioned that you're very anxious to get back to work. Why is that?" Karen continued to prod.
Grace swallowed. "I - um, in my training I learned that after an incident like this, you shouldn't draw back from friends or work. I -" Grace paused, "But it's more than that. I don't know why - I've made a lot of great friends through traveling as an EMCA. Howie has been very supportive. He's been there for me."
"Do you feel that you owe it to him to keep working?" Karen asked.
"No," Grace responded quickly. "I - I guess I never realized how much this job has meant to me until this. I've met some incredible people and, and I know that everyone will be very supportive of my coming back." She paused. "Or maybe I'm just-" She faltered and stopped.
"Or maybe?" Karen's eyebrows raised slightly.
Grace's eyes filled with tears. "Or maybe - I don't know!" She paused again and put her head in her hands. Karen rested a hand on her shoulder comfortingly. "Or maybe I'm just trying to get away from this and back to being me again. I hate this paranoia I feel about everything. I am so scared to leave this hospital. Every night I have nightmares. I just want this to be over." Grace cried softly.
"You've been having nightmares?" Karen asked sympathetically.
"Every night," Grace repeated, choking down sobs. "It's always her, in some way or another. And she's always trying to speak . . . always trying to tell me something. I don't understand it . . ." Grace quieted for a moment, deep in thought. "The last night I actually slept was two weeks ago when I fell asleep talking to Howie." Grace murmured. She put her head down.
"You haven't been sleeping?" Jeff Saddler asked quietly.
Howie sighed and leaned forward in his chair. "Every night it's the same dream. It just plays over and over again. I dream about the accident. The car, and the little girl and Grace . . . and the blood." Howie shook his head to clear the images. "I wake up in a cold sweat, and then I can't sleep at all."
Jeff nodded. "You were running with Grace when the accident happened?"
Howie nodded. "Yes, she's medically trained. We were running from dinner to get back for a meeting I had. Then the car came around the corner. Grace jumped in front of it to save the little girl, and . . ." Howie paused as his voice gave out. He was near tears. "She was only three years old."
"Howie," Jeff spoke softly. "Why did you come to see me just today?"
"My girlfriend, Grace," Howie smiled slightly to himself. "She wanted me to come. I don't think she really expected that I would . . . but all of a sudden, it's just gotten to be too much. I'm only here in Detroit for the night, I was lucky to even get away from work for this hour. But my co- workers and friends have tried very hard to be there for me . . . but somehow I don't feel like they can understand what it's like to see something like that." Howie paused. "You see death on TV all the time . . . but this was real. This little girl will never grow up. She'll never have a life. I couldn't save her . . . Grace couldn't even save her . . . or any of the doctors after . . . I can't imagine how her mother feels . . . or the driver of that car." Howie gulped. "I had to talk to the police for the accident report. I didn't want Grace to have to go through that. And all the doctors . . . . I had to tell her that the little girl died." Tears spilled out of Howie's eyes. "She started to cry . . ." Howie rested his head in his hands.
The counselor gave his shoulder a squeeze. "It's going to be okay Howie." He murmured.
Howie sniffed. "Grace is coming back to work on Friday. She's meeting me in Cleveland."
"How long has it been since you've seen her?" Jeff asked.
"Over two weeks," Howie responded. "The last time I saw her, she looked so sick."
"She'll probably look much healthier the next time you see her," Jeff consoled. "A lot of her tissue will have had time to heal."
Howie nodded. "I know . . . I know that, but just seeing her, so hurt, kind of, um placed the situation."
"How do you mean?" Jeff pushed a little.
"It felt like it hadn't happened . . . it's still feels that way," Howie told him. "It doesn't feel real. I can't believe that it actually happened. Grace says I just need to come to terms with it, but I know she hasn't either."
"You say Grace is your girlfriend?" Jeff asked.
"Yes, my girlfriend," Howie smiled a little. "I hadn't been in a relationship in long time. I guess because I've finally gotten my life pretty well together, it doesn't feel that way but I know that I have, I finally let myself become involved with someone again. When you're just starting out, in a certain field, you're pretty well focused on that. But once you're kind of, um established, you give yourself some slack to find someone. I see it in my friends too."
"Do you feel that you're at a point in your life where you'd like to start settling down?" Jeff's questions continued.
"No," Howie shook his head. "I just feel more open to the different possibilities . . . and now this happens."
"When was the last time you spoke with Grace?" Jeff asked.
"Last night . . . I'm really looking forward to having her around again." Howie responded.
"Is she upset about the accident too?" Jeff inquired.
"Yes, probably more than I am," Howie answered. "I think we'll be able to help each other."
"I think so too," Jeff gave Howie a reassuring smile as he continued to push forward with their session.
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