This is my poetry...
my heart screams in pain
synchronized with my mind
to the surface now, are drawn
memories I left behind
the forcing and hurting
at my tender age
are the focus of feelings
and the point of my rage
I see something in you
that is deep inside me
a battlefield of emotions
for no one to see
now the gift i received
is no gift in my mind
I'm so touched by your face
maybe i should have been blind
11-14-97
The Hell Inside
Crawling through shadows
gnarled and twisted fingers
clawing away at the walls
they cage you in
the air is heavy
with the blue grime of sickness
pictures of horror
march past my eyes
staring straight forward
unable to tear myself
from the procession of hell before me.
Demons scream in the throes of ecstasy
my bare feet scrape
jagged rocks beneath me
my passion grows
the fires of hell fuel my need
the bright shafts of light
cut small pieces of shadow
in razor sharp lines
spilling the blood of pain
it seeps into my soul
the blackness there increases
I become flooded with hurt
the walls press me closer
I am beaten
with the chain of humiliation
all i see outside is heaven
but i cannot break free...
11-14-97
Night
purple stars make trails of time
opening to the world
as black rose petals fall from the stem
softly landing
with the grace of a light mist of rain
as it settles on my hair
the pool of blood spreads
crimson streams draw patterns on the concrete
red & blue lights flash
the cold tingle of wet plastic
the soft swish of the zipper
the bag closes
black plastic closes my dead eyes for me
I am blind
my life is gone from the world
I did not want to see any more
and the petals still fall
11-16-97
Dear Baby,
I had you for 3 months, although I barely knew.
The day that i found out they said that i was losing you.
you would have been my sweetheart, my darling little child.
but daddy was too reckless, perhaps a little wild.
They said that I miscarried, i was so shocked and scared.
i told your daddy timidlyl, but he never really cared.
I hope you can forgive me, for what i had to do,
but know that many nights i cried, and forever i'll love you.
So even though they took you from my body on that day,
I'll always be your mommy, and in my heart you'll stay....
Love, Me
4-16-98
your eyes are my escape
my refuge from the world
your eyes are my mirror
where i see the goodness within me
your eyes are my window
into a soul as perfect as a snow white dove
your eyes are my friend
calling me to confide in you
your eyes are my dreams
helping me learn exactly what i can do
your eyes are my hope
they keep me here
i breathe each day
only on the hope that i might gaze
into your eyes.
5-19-98
the sky is bright
the sun shines
clouds are pure white
the sky blue like the sea
the grass is green
it feels like crushed velvet
a warm breeze touches my face
it tosses my hair with reckless abandon
in the distance the sky is dark
i gaze at it, confused and interested
the sky darkens, the clouds quickly roll in
i feel a light sprinkle of rain
then the sky's belly is cut open
the rain pours out
i shiver in the cold
my hair lays drenched on my shoulders
there's nowhere to run
nowhere to hide,
i'll just lay down
and hope this nightmare called my life
will go away
summer '97
Is there a God anymore?
I couldn't tell you.
Mysterious ways are painful
more often than not.
How can you go on
when the burden
of holding a family together
is upon your shoulders?
Maybe God could help me,
if he really cared.
But he abandoned me long ago
just like everyone else.
12-8-98
a sad little girl,
who hasn't eaten in weeks
jaded by the world
lies crumpled on the floor.
too weak to stand,
too immature to move on
tears make clear trails
like paths from her eyes.
the droplet sits
at the corner of her mouth,
the lump in her throat
suffocates her with the grip of sorrow.
her matted hair
is strewn over her shoulders
in careless strands.
she wants to live,
this little one struggles.
she rises from her coffin
of remorse and regret.
shuffling her feet,
she moves slowly outside.
hunger no longer significant,
she hears the ocean roar.
the stones, black as the eyes
of the one she longs for,
stand guard at the edge.
she follows the waves
with her detached eyes.
how the girl longs
to be strong, and happy.
she smiles through a mask.
her despair filled eyes
undermine her facade.
she pities the world, all of them.
they never knew
that she was going to die.
she knew, and accepted it.
breathing deeply, she stands.
her love, though not returned,
was precious, and used up.
he turns the corner
in time to see her fall.
dear one, all the lights
and all the sirens
will not save her now.
amid a sea of black
he mourns alone, and sparingly.
she is laid to reast
with a slight smile
on her pale, scratched face.
the exact same
serene, fulfilled smile
she wore, with her eyes turned
toward a better fate,
as she fell.
10-8-98
More will be added when i have the time