These are mostly for Cello Man!!!

20. You actually like marching band and would kill to do it all year long.

19. The drummers start making sense to you.

18. You wonder what life would be like if you weren't in band.

17. You roll step while you walk to class.

16. You practice your marching music on a daily basis.

15. You major in music and use your high school band director as a role model.

14. Those stupid "band humor" jokes are the funniest things you ever heard.

13. You pick out instruments from the music in cartoons.

12. You start screaming "LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!" to people that walk in front of you on the way to class.

11. Drummers start making sense to you.

10. You've dated everyone in the band and now wonder if you're ever gonna have another date.

9. You think that trumpeters have a right to be egotistical.

8. You don't think that flutists have a slight attitude problem.

7. You change from your instrument to the tuba.

6. You have perfect pitch.

5. The band director is always right.

4. You marry that special someone in your section.

3. You have kids and force them to be in music.

2. Drummers make lots of sense to you.

1. You can relate to more than a fourth of these things!

   1.Eat crisps immediately before playing, subsequently splattering those nearby with bits of
     chewed soggy potato.
   2.Blow hard down the flute at irregular but frequent intervals so that the accumulated wet
     gunge goes on people's shoes (or earholes or other orifices, depending on the angle of the
     flute).
   3.While playing, hold the end of the flute over people's pints of beer and cups of tea so the
     wet gunge drips slowly into the glass or cup as playing progresses. (Best done to other
     players' drinks, as they don't notice till it's too late.)
   4.Between tunes, bounce the end of the flute gently on the knee so that the gunge runs out
     and leaves a soggy wet patch on their trounsers.
   5.Insult fiddle players for playing tunes with notes lower than bottom D or C in (not disgusting
     unless you're a fiddle player).
   6.Insert a peanut at the embouchure of the flute, close all holes, point flute at nearby dog or
     other pet as available, then blow hard. A successful strike on the dog/pet often depends on
     the blood/alcohol level of the flute player. Flute players with Low C# and C keys are
     reccomended to close those keys for that little extra accuracy and a slight but satisfying
     "zing".
   7.As 6, except flute player mimes tune-playing for a few minutes after inserting the peanut.
     Then the aim can be at, say, a fiddle player doing tunes with too many low notes. After
     blowing, resume the mime/play position immediately so the fiddle player hasn't a clue where
     the attack came from. Repeat as necessary.
   8.Try to rob drink from bars by pretending flute is the barrel of an antique gun and pointing it
     at bar staff (seldom succesful).
   9.Use cork grease for .
  10.Regularly smear flute with rancid oil (preferably oil from a tin of sardines past its use-by
     date) This also enhances the level of disgustingness acheived under items 2, 3, and 4.

The Flute: truly  Music's most disgusting instrument.

Number 4 is for my section alone. 5 is definietly directed toward someone. hmmmm. 6-9 are you those brass palyers. 11 is for the one and only one. And the rest you all know who I'm talking about so don't try to avoid it!

1. How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?

Shoot one.

2. Why do clarinets leave their cases on their dashboards?

So they can park in handicapped zones.

3. What's the definition of a nerd?

Someone who owns there own alto clarinet.

4. How many sax alto players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and the four other to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

5. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax?

Add vibrato.

6. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

Put you hand in the bell and play wrong notes.

7. Whats the definition of a gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

8. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead trumpet player?

The trumpet player may have been on his way to a gig.

9. What's a tuba for?

1 1/2" X 3 1/2"

10. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

11. What did the tuba player get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.

12. What do flute players use for birth control?

Thier personalities.

13. How do you know when the French horn section is at your door?

No one knows when to come in.

14. How many third trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't get that high.

15. What's the differince between a soprano and a Porsche?

Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Signs You've Been In Band Too Long

1.You have all of your music memorized---from the last three years.

2.When the teacher askes you to line up your desks, you make sure the aisles are 4 steps apart.

3.You ask the school board to make yard lines in the hallway so you can practice going to class. 4.You spend your free time giving lessons.

5.Your best friends are your section leaders.

6.Your favorite movies are band tapes.

7.You only associate with band members.

8.Your wardrobe consists of band shirts.

9.You have a name for your instrument.

10.You constantly laugh at this list.

1.accidental- marking in music which indicate that a note is to be played differently from normal, so called because students accidentally overlook them.

2.conductor- the person who stands in front of the band and waves their arms around in some kind of a beat.

3.embouchure- funny faces made by band members when they are playing their instruments .

4.flautists- what overeducated people call flutists.

5.folder- used to keep a band member's music together so that all of it can be lost at the same time, as in "I can't find my folder."

6.musician- a person who performs music or tries to.

7.mute- device inserted into brasswind bells to reduce their loudness to tolerable levels

8.reeds- easily damaged devices made of reed that are often forgotten by woodwind players.

9.scales- series of notes which band members should, but often don't, memorize.

10.tune- 1) optimistic attempt to adjust instruments to the same pitch, 2) state of being in the correct pitch, as, "The clarinets are in tune."

1.3/4 time - an evil trick to keep everyone out of step.

2.cymbals - people who can't really march or play.

3.early - not actually possible since early is on time.

4.freshman - people who don't know what they're doing, yet makes up most of the band.

5.halt - period of time when everyone is theoretically stopped.

6.notes - the recommended pitch.

7.push ups (or laps) - cruel punishment inflicted whether you've done something wrong or not.

8.section leader - person who gets in trouble when the section goes wrong.

9.staff - band graduates don't graduate, they come back as staff.

10.tempo - the correct beat attempted to be carried by the field comander.

1.It would be nice to actually have a social life.

2.Big person, little color guard uniform.

3.Some people would like to be able to walk when they're old.

4.Backwards diagonal passthroughs with the Trombone section.

5.Cranky section leaders/staff/band directors.

6.Two tone bodies never have been and never will be in style.

7.180 beats a minute double time in 100 degree heat.

8.Three hour practices everyday.

9.Humming corny band songs all day.

10.Hearing the metronome when it isn't on.

Have I gotten my point across yet???

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