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I'm starting to wonder what I'm worth. I know that I do have some value, I mean, I have to, you could sell my body parts, worth something in money, but am I really worth anything. I'm always saying that, I'm wondering of my worth. I mean, I don't really think I'm worth anything anymore. I'm never happy with where I am, I'm always wishing that I were somewhere else, and I'm never where I want to be, cos once I get where I say I want to be, I've always found something better. And maybe I just have to stay that way to keep myself on my toes, but there's just something wrong with that. I can't seem to let myself be happy for very long before I start to wonder if there's something more out there that I'm missing, that's always my fear, what am I missing. There's always something that I'm missing. I'm never going to be there for it all, there's always things that aren't going to be right in my life, and I know that, I just can't seem to accept it. There's nobody out there right now... I'm stuck at home on friday wondering what I'm missing. What am I missing? I've noticed my voice thickening, maturing, like wine, it gets redder. I don't know if wine gets redder, but I feel like I can sing wine. Other people say I whine too much. It's just because people take me too seriously, and that's not really how I'm meant to be taken. I'm meant to be taken as a bit of a joke, and that's really all. I don't like being taken as a joke, but that's just sorta how it is. I'm never serious. Never will be. Things feel like they should be all right, but they never are. We are all mislead into believing that maybe, just maybe if we're good and only eat 2 cookies, and say our prayers before bed, and don't steal the other kid's erasers, then things will be alright, and somehow, we'll be okay, and we won't get hurt, and we won't die, but they're all wrong. We are all going to die, and things usually aren't okay. They're rarely okay. It's never going to be alright. I more often feel like things are falling apart around me than coming together. They seem to shatter when they hit the ground, rather than the puzzle pieces fitting together to complete the picture. Stained glass, although pretty, is difficult to see through. We are hidden behind stained glass. We see a pretty picture, but we can't see through it. Only if we get so close that we are just looking at a little piece of glass, rippled red glass, and all that we see outside is a rippled red world, but it's the real world. Our protection of the pretty picture taken away, we are exposed, through the tiny fragment of the picture that we can see through, we see it, and we are helpless, forced to decide between the ever changing and evolving world beyond the fragment, or backing up to see the still, placid peacful, never harmful picture of the stained glass. We can change between the two, but what are we missing when we're sitting looking at the window? Life goes on beyond the window. The window will never change. The disillusionment will never change. If we stay looking out the window, we'll become clogged with shit and pus and mucous that makes the world imiperfect, the people making the windows, trying to sell you new windows, thrying to change your constant stable window. Keep your window. Look at it once in a while. Don't become obsessed with it. Know that it is there and that you can use it to get away from the world, and that you can put it up as defense, but don't become lost in the stories that make up the whole of the window. There is so much beyond the window that they put up in front of you. Remember that your window, you illusion from the window is yours, and only yours, nobody can hide the same way that you can, and nobody's fragment to stare through is the same as yours. Some people will have flat green, or wavy blue, and that changes what they see, and what they hide behind. There are no two people that are exactly the same. There are no two views thare are exactly the same. Don't try to be the same, windows are only meant to be seen be one person. You can let people share your window, and look through other people's windows, and change yours a little, replacing the old glass, but there's still the original frame that will always remain: yourself.
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