397 BLONDE jokes!!no offense to neone :)

***Stupid People***

Members of the First Church of the Nazarene in Ironton, Ohio, held a >>>record burning after evangelist Jim Brown told them that the song "A >>>Horse is a Horse" - the theme song from the Mr. Ed show - contained >>>satanic messages when played backwards... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>Pierre Beaumard, a French factory worker suffering from various >>>obsessional fears and an inability to relate to others, decided to join >>>a therapy group. Mr. Beaumard was encouraged to sandwich himself between >>>two mattresses, and allow other group members to walk on him to "stamp >>>out his complexes." After several minutes of this treatment, Beaumard >>>was crushed to death... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>In a related story, 9-year-old Derek Hume was run over by a 1 ton >>>concrete roller. The boy escaped without a bruise, however, because the >>>massive cylinder pressed him into the rain-soaked earth... he's just >>>lucky he wasn't sandwiched between mattresses... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>Richard Avella, a 350 pound New York man, entered a Long Island jewelry >>>store, drew a gun, and told the clerk, "This is a stick-up," then >>>tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police >>>arrived... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim >>>during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered >>>down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the >>>red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, >>>Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do..." >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>A Toronto gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for >>>police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his >>>head as a disguise. The thief, who later admitted that his mind was >>>clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes > >>>so he could see... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>Francis Karnes, a 39-year-old man in Sacramento, California, was charged >>>with reckless endangerment after he pulled a gun and shot his lawnmower >>>when it wouldn't start... and of course, you heard about those awful >>>chainsaw massacres in Texas... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>Police in Morecomb, England, report that a human foot washed up on the >>>beach matched another foot found a month earlier at another location. >>>The rest of the unidentified victim has not been found... but he >>>couldn't have gotten far... >>> >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>A 37-year-old California man reported to police that an intruder dressed >>>in black and carrying a big knife broke into his home, forced him to >>>smoke two packs of Pall Mall Golds, then left... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>In a sad story from Boston, a giant 30 pound lobster was being weighed >>>before its donation to the city aquarium, when it fell off the scale and >>>died. The giant lobster's shell was irreparably cracked. "We're >>>devastated," said a spokesman for the aquarium... so are we... now >>>where's the cocktail sauce? >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>And this just in...French farmer Michael LeMond shot himself in the foot >>>when he opened fire on what he thought was a ghost... Nope, it's a >>>foot alright... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>Workmen in Rome, digging gravel for ballast, were instructed to dig from >>>one central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes They >>>unearthed an ancient plaque inscribed in Latin, which turned out to be a >>>sign intended for workman digging ballast for Roman ships. It instructed >>>them to dig from a central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many >>>holes... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>In our Likely Story department this week, the crew of a trawler that >>>sank in the Sea of Japan claimed their ship went down after "being >>>struck by a cow which fell out of the clear blue sky". According to >>>Flying magazine, no one believed this absurd explanation-except the >>>Russian military. It seems that the crew of a military cargo jet had >>>stolen a cow they found wandering on a Siberian airfield, and loaded it >>>aboard. While cruising at 30,000 feet, the terrified cow ran amok and >>>jumped out of the plane... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a >>>gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten >>>tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside >>>them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>Our Nice Try Award this week goes to the Miami Beach attorney who >>>entered a 'not guilty' plea for his client based on astrological forces. >>>The lawyer maintained that the position of the stars at the time of his >>>client's birth caused him to break into a couple's home, tie them up and >>>threaten them, and walk out with a brassiere on his head... > >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>In the Netherlands, an airline pilot has been sentenced to four months >>>in jail. Wim de Nijs was convicted of jamming the air traffic control >>>frequency and jeopardizing airport safety, by singing the "Flintstones" >>>theme over the radio for 20 minutes while landing his plane... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>Florida motorists are watching their rear-view mirrors this week after >>>an appellate court ruled that rectal searches by police are legal. >>>According to the Fifth District Court of Appeals, the removal of 54 >>>grams of cocaine from a suspect's rectum by a member of the Orange >>>County highway drug squad was "part of a legal patdown to make sure the >>>man wasn't armed..." America, land of the free, home of the rectal >>>patdown... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>E.C. Stewart, Jr. may never get out of jail after the Levelland, Texas >>>District Attorney recommended last week that his bail be set at "a >>>zillion dollars". The judge agreed... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>In Clearwater, Florida, a 70-year-old man was killed while sunbathing in >>>a lounge chair at the beach, when a bulldozer ran over him... hey, we >>>asked him to move... >>> >>>------------------------------------------ >>>A 73-year-old Milwaukee woman has lost her suit against the local >>>Catholic Church, after an electronic scoreboard fell on her during a >>>bingo game in 1990. Mary Verdev was asking for $90,000 in damages, >>>claiming that since the incident she experiences spontaneous orgasms, >>>sometimes in "clusters"... b-b-b-b-bingo! >>>------------------------------------------ >>> >>>AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked >>>"intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance >>>package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... >>> >>>~~~~~~~~~~~~ >>> >>>..The Getaway >>> >>>A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the >>>money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he >>>tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three >>>hours until police showed up and grabbed him. >>> >>>~~~~~~~~~~~~ >>> >>>..Did I Say That?! >>> >>>Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just >>>couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked >>>each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money >>>or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" ------------------------------------------- in a manual for a hair blow dryer, under *caution* it says...do not use while asleep!!!