THE NEW "NICK" INTERVIEWS
"Nick"
THE STORY: Julie decided to ask one person every intimate or embarrassing question she could think of. Her choice: her friend whom we will refer to only as "Nick".
THE RESULT: An ongoing interview over the course of 6 months, with John, Julie, and several others contributing questions and answers. Nick faked his death at the end of the first cycle, but we managed to track him down and will continue to grill him with odd and unneccessary questions whenever he gets to feeling too comfortable with life.
HOW TO READ THESE INTERVIEWS: Assuming English is the preferred language, start at the left of the page, and decipher the individual characters as you go. Groups of these characters will be spaced apart from the others; these are known as "words". Sometimes a dot, occasionally accompanied with a curvy or straight line, will appear at the end of a group of these words; this is a "sentence". Several sentences can sometimes combine to form a "paragraph", although these are rarely seen in the wild.
NO, SERIOUSLY, HOW TO READ THESE INTERVIEWS: Questions asked by The Red Folder crew are in
blue.
Answers from "Nick" are written in
green.
NOTE: "NICK" IS NOT NOW, NOR HAS HE EVER BEEN, NICH GUILLORY. NICH IS FAR MORE MUNDANE THAN "NICK". THANK YOU.
Would you describe yourself as "lithe" or "willowy"?
After extensive contemplation during a few bowel movements, I have determined that I am more a lithe sort of fellow. Why? Because I sure as HELL AIN'T NO WILLOWY MUTHAFUCKA!!
Calvin vs. Bart Simpson. Who would win?
Did you ever see "War Games"? That poor computer nearly fried its CPU, RAM, and whatever other IT abbreviations you can think of trying to determine through simulation who would win in a nuclear holocaust. Whish is obviously the situation here. The best way to win is not to play, but if I had to wager money, it would have to be on Calvin. Anyone who hallucinates that much has got to be able to bust out with some wack-ass shit.
Between your girlfriends, who has better tits- Exene or Natasha? Why? (Size? Firmness? Perkiness? Frequency of Appearance? Onclude details, please. No reason.)
For some reason, I just don't want to answer this one.
OK, so who's better in the sack, then?
I will answer this, Exene. You know what an astronomical event a Nova is? Well, there is your analogy to sex with Exene, but note that I made no reference to a Supernova, so there are still brighter things in the Universe. At a later date you might want to ask me why I capitalize all my astronomy terms.
Describe yourself using only present-tense verbs ending in "ing".
Sleeping, masturbating, eating, shitting, reading, traveling without moving, shitting, pissing, contemplating, exacurbating, reveling, shitting, listening, not speaking, drinking, recovering, missing, wishing, projecting, copulating... shit just straight up fucking.
Whos sexier- asian chicks or hispanic chicks?
When they are young, equal, but damn, hispanic chicks age poorly. UGH!
What's the worst example of real-life graphic violence you've ever seen? What about on TV / in movies? Did you harf? Did it warp you?
I don't know what your definition of real-life violence is, but one I saw Duane's mom in a white tee tank top with no bra on. I became VIOLENTLY ill and an avid believer in abstinence, until I saw one of Duane's moms' girls. She was surprissingly clean, curvy, and busty.
Pick one: Julie looks better with A) long hair. B) short hair.
B. Not totally shaved, but not past the bottom of her ear.
Pick one: next time I saw Julie, I would really appreciate it if she was wearing A) a sexy, shimmering space dress. B) her Celebrities outfit. C) her Pimp Wars outfit D) nothing at all.
A. Binary Nova mean anything to you?
Pick one: John looks better A) fat. B) skinny. C) after plastic surgery. D) after a stiff beating.
E: with a nice, fat hard on.
Which is the shittier name: Goo Goo Dolls or Days of the New?
Again, have you not seen "War Games"?
Ever seen any ghosts if not, do you believe they exist? Did "The Blair Witch Project" scare you? Did the Wicked Witch of the West scare you? How about those flying monekys, man?
No,no, uhh no, no. jf%$&*GYJH OH exscue me, I just lapsed into a horrific yet sensual fantasy of sexual bestiality.
Aren't we a credit to our ol' Boy Scout Troop 442? I never got any merit badges, did you? Name 'em.
Two!!! Basket weaving (yeah, shut the fuck up funny boy!) and rifle shooting (Who's laughing now, pop a cap in yo ass!)
Renee Zelwegger and Jewel have never been photographed or ever even seen together. Explain.
Naked Singularity mean anything to you?
What's the deal with Troy McClure's fish thing?
Initially I assumed Troy's fish thing was strictly sexual, But personal doubt prompted me to seek the consul of Don Julio. I was sickened to find that it has nothing to do with beastiality; the guy just likes fish. A bit too much if you ask me.
Despite the fact that they, as a band, are over, explain to me how Depeche Mode remains to be such a
dad-blamed popular band?
Well how can I put it... they are simply the SHIT!! Depeche
Mode is one of those bands that are ubercool.
I never liked Scooby-Doo. Do you know anyone who did?
I always seemed to watch them in my youth unwittingly. Recently
I have watched them (does the cartoon network show anything
else during the day?) and the utter stupidity of the show is
great! What other show has been so successful reguritating the same
plot every episode? Besides Scooby and Shaggy are bona-fide pot
heads. Seriously Shaggy had to be fucked up to risk his life for a
dog treat every damn day.
In every mile, there are thousands of inches. In every
inch, there are millions of molecules. In every molecule, there are
several atoms. In every atom, there are lots of particles.
What's up with that?
A bad idea for a joke.
True or False: Mid life crisis for guys: Grow what's left
of hair long, sing old R&B songs, get Corvette, date woman half
your age (examples: Michael
>Douglas, Michael Bolton) Midlife crisis for women: Get
>naked in a major movie. (Examples: Rene Russo, Teri Hatcher,
Sharon Stone)
Who the fuck cares?
Pal, when it's Teri Hatcher, you can bet your ass I care!
I see your point.
Let's say you walk into a room. Exene's there,
tap-dancing on Sammy Davis Jr.'s grave. Natasha's there,
throwing fish eyeballs at the ceiling. Julie's there,
reciting "King Lear", covered in raspberry jam. I'm
there, playing the banjo and yodeling the theme
to"Hawaii 5-0". What do you do?
Masturbate.
Saw THAT one coming.
Heh heh. You said "coming".
Pick a word.
support
Pick another word.
Debussy
Put 'em together.
support Debussy
Wasn't that neat?
Yeah, it sure was. It sure was.
William Howard Taft was the fattest president we've ever
had. Explain.
The man got stuck in his bathtub for pete's sake. Who is pete?
What can be done to stop Math in general?
Create a vaccine. A banana peel marinated in Don Julio's milk
and seasoned with the decomposed remains of Hannibal's elephants.
That was lovely.
Thank you.
Name your favorite Duke of Hazzard.
The General Lee.
Name your favorite Smurfİ.
The common, proletariate blue one.
Who would win in a fight?
The car...for now.
Chairs: True or False?
False. Stools.
Thanks for your time. *swat*
OW!
Hee hee.
Oh, stop it, you!
NEXT WAVE!!
You are starring in a porn flick as a troubled teenager being seduced by your psychologist. What particular mental disorder do you have in the
>film? In real life? How does this affect the sex? How does
that make you feel?
In the film: penis envy. In real life: penis envy. "Holy cow, I ate the whole thing!"
What do you think of when you hear the word "wanton"?
Cabbage.
Explain yourself immediately.
Well, last weekend I came across a homeless man of 35 years. He
offered me what he CLAIMED was wanton (John's note: "Nick" means "Won Ton", but he is an idiot.) soup, but in all
actuality it was a bowl of cabbage. I yelled "cast thee out!! remove
yourself from my presence" It was then that I realized it was really my
father trying to get my attention.
>
Ever heard of "Burning Man"?
Yes.>
Say you organize your own personal Burning Man. Who burns?
The Illuminati. Maybe then I can get my life back.>
Say Tom is involved in a killing spree, maiming several Denny's waitresses. The FBI witness protection program offers you a new life. What do you choose for: 1. Name? 2. Gender? 3. Hair color? 4. Eye color? 5. Sexual orientation? 6. Hometown? 7. Wife/husband? 8. Group affiliations? 9. Favorite lunch meat? 10. Favorite religion?
1. Sofonda Cox 2. Male 3. Fuschia with a hint of green 4. Black. That way I always look excited 5. Let's see how things turn out 6. 115, but only if I am 5'6" 7. Yes. 8. The Sons of Herman Lodges 4 and 7, thanks! 9. ham 10. Discordia>
OK, how inconspicuous do you think you are now, really, hmmm?
Just call me "Nanoman".
Role-playing. Describe with adequate detail.
My name is officer McBride. I patrol a wealthy precinct just
outside Belfast. I find immense pleasure in convincing young girls
seling lemonade that they are breaking the law by not having a
current vending license. I tell them I will release them I they
convince there Mommies to lick my soiled asshole and then suck
my dick with that same fecal mouth. But really this is all just
an expression for my unbridaled desire to joing the Djibution
Liberation Front. Fuck Tibet, Free Djibuti.
Does the word "spooky" mean anything to you?
Scooby Doo.
Explain.
Cartoon Network.
What about the word "spackle"?
I'll have to ask Jeeves.
Just how young is *too* young?
Can she bleed?
Who most resembles Christ, Julie or John? Note reasons.
John. He has a cock. But Iguess there isn't any hard evidence that Jesus had one.
"Hard" evidence.
Huh huh.
Shut up. John Von Neumann, chief architect of the h-bomb, had a habit
of memorizing entire books. Approximately how many words or lines of
literature have you memorized at any one time?
3.14159
Repeat as much of "The Wasteland" as you can remember below.
Rosebud...
OK, so do you at least remember who wrote "The Wasteland"?
T.S. Eliot, so HA HA.
How do you feel about flushing?
Only when I am halfway done.
How do you feel about urine in general?
I like it. I like it a lot. Did you know urine is sterile? That's right, you can drink it!
How do you usually refer to a vagina when speaking? During sex?
Black hole; "Oh, baby, show me your Naked Singularity!"
Same questions, penis.
Dick, cock, (insert name of one of "Nick"'s enemies) etc.
Do you find your sex-conversations to be mostly smutty mumblings, or do they contain actual content?
I don't talk too often, normally my mind is busy calculating anti-derivitives to keep from cuming.
If you could be any ethnicity, which ethnicity would you be, and why?
Djibution. Need more be said?
TIL NEXT TIME....
