THE FINAL TEN PAGES
DON'T BUY ANYTHING FROM CLEAR BROOK HIGH SCHOOL. Especially tickets to moronic volleyball games and bullshit I.D. cards
- Punch out assholes who make slurping noises like it's the cleverest thing in the damn world.
- When someone says, "Fight the good fight", say "Okay" and launch into an hour-long spiel on the evils of processed meat. That'll show 'em.
- When one of your friends threatens to move to California for college, petition for her to stay. It won't work if this friend is an uncaring bitch.
- Create an ultra-sophisticated game called VirtuaPimp. Your strength should increase as your number of hoes does.
- Shoot down the Channel One helicopter.
- Whataburger spokesman Whataguy: Whatanassassination!
- The three prime directives of CBHS students: 1) Drugs. 2) Sex. 3) Being assholes.
~ 4) being fucking spelling perfectionists.
~ plant pornography in the school library, then call the christian coalition.
~ eat everything with forks. even soup.
~ try to go into a coma during class. you'd be surprised.
~ go to anime club meetings but only the first two. after the trendiness has worn off, deny all affiliation with the anime club. this also works with green day, bad rap acts, and international terrorism.
~ ignore all expiration dates. they are all a hoax to make us spend more. those chunks in your milk are really just healthy protein accumulations.
~ when you are forced to attend economics, get Chris Stevens to print you a copy of his "communism in america" t-shirt and wear it to class every day to protest the biased, consumerist-capitalist junk economy teachings of the government, man.
~ on prom night, protest the idiocy of the whole affair by burning down a mall or two. stay sober and listen to 30-second punk songs all night. don't spend money on anything. in fact, try to rip stuff off. in no case should you have sex of any kind.
~ boston would be better if it wasn't so close to the north pole. if you ever have the power, move boston somewhere south of d.c.
~ enough with the "julie as a man and / or lesbian" jokes. it just isn't funny anymore.
~ if you ever get hungry enough, eat your own flesh. or suck the residue off of quarters.
~ if you ever feel secure about life, watch a david lynch flick. the feeling will not come back. ever.
~ get a spike driven through your skull. this will be way cooler than any nipple/tongue/testicle/navel/forehead piercing that the greater houston suburban area can scoffe. (Note from John: someone e-mail me about the meaning of the word "scoffe".)
~ instead of getting a tattoo, burn your flesh with a propane lighter. the scars might start to fade in a few years: simply submerse the scar tissue in hydrocloric acid and prod the area with a pruning knife. the rosy glow will be back in no time.
~ i've just heard that everyone who works at the space center houston food service is a drugged out loser. go there and buy crack, and then learn all about the mysteries of space.
~ the next time you see "nick", give him a big smack on the rear for being so darned cooperative with answering all these questions and so on.
~ or give him a wet willie. (i claim no responsibility for the consequences of these actions. come to think of it, this disclaimer goes for the whole folder.)
- I want someone whom I have a crush on to sue me. I think it would be a real bonding experience.
- Protest Chinese-Venezuelan marriages.
~ discover the real genital size of cocky venezuelan bastards. the rumors couldn't be true.
- When the senior half of the Acadec team drops in on your study hall, stare at them until each and every one of them acknowledges you.
- I'm pretty harsh with you, Julie, so I'll give you this one consolation: I may not have misspelled a single word in this entire folder, but I almost ALWAYS hyphenate words improperly. But then, at least I USE hyphens. I await your smartass reply.
- Invite one of the key VanAllen sisters to take a walk with you in the pouring rain. While this is happening, make sure the other one stays in your house and eats all your food. (Addendum: Try to convince the VanAllen sister you took the walk with to let you put a sexy picture you took of her in the rain on your website.)
- When I spell it "VanAllen", it is NOT a misspelling. It may not be as accurate, but at least I'm not like some people who think "Van Allen", written JUST LIKE THAT, is one word when it is clearly two. Oh, don't get me started.
- People who misspell words on purpose (unless those words are "guess", "VanAllen", "Addrienne", or "Venezuelan") have no respect for the time-honored language of America (English) and deserve to be tarred and feathered, then thrown to the jellyfish. Anything less is being Soft On Crime.
- It's not that Julie's house is hard to find on a dark, rainy night, especially when she gives you helpful tips like, "It's gray". ("Bill, is this one gray?" I dunno, could be green. Or brown.") It's just that we were scared. See, when you ring the doorbell, it sometimes spooks the Venezuelan that's chained in the basement, and if they forgot to throw the raw meat down where he can reach it, he'll bust out and make a run for you. Julie's soothing voice ("STOPPIT, you hairy freak!") is usually enough to calm him, but every once in a while he'll turn on her, which will, of course, be the highlight of the entire evening.
- Metallica's having sold out doesn't really effect or bother me, although it does irk me just a little that they're making SO much more money than they deserve to be.
- When Kerrick reads a "Thing To Do" that gets him pissed and makes him want to argue with John, it's best just to look at him, smile, and nod.
- "I'm swinging through the fairyland of love": actual lyric from "Tuesday Afternoon (Forever Afternoon?)" by the Moody Blues. Proof that "Touch, Peel, and Stand" is by no means the most "It's Only Meaningful If You're An Idiot" song title out there.
- Go to a wedding reception where there's a lot of people gathered in a large room with a stairway near a big ceiling fan. Turn the fan on "high" when no one's looking. Get a flimsy plastic bag full of red Jell-o™ and wing it at the fan. Duck.
- THE MOST DISGUSTING "THING TO DO" EVER: Follow your worst enemy and/or a mulitple rapist/murderer to his/her swimming pool. After they have submerged, run to the spot where they will emerge from the water. Dump a grocery sack full of pubic hair on that spot. When they come up and take that first, fulfilling breath of fresh air, it will be clogged with pubes of an unknown origin. Weeks later, they'll still be picking that shit out of their hair and teeth. Okay, I'd better stop.
- Never vote. For anything. That's how they get you.
- Nipple removal is costly and painful. Instead of going through all that medical hassle, why not simply cover up those unsightly aureoles with a "Red Folder" T-Shirt? Available wherever fine hemp products are sold.
- John and Julie claim NO responsibility for what might happen, should this folder fall into the wrong hands, such as Saddam Hussein's, "Slobbo" Dan Milosevic's, or, more realistically, "Nick"'s ex-girlfriend's. Yikes.
- Instead of bowling pins, use TV's.
- Y'know, Julie, I talk a lot of shit, but of all the seniors graduating this year, I shall miss you the most. (Addendum: 2 years later, this still proves to be true.) It's been fun sharing 100+ pages of lunacy with you. Whenever I see "breasts" misspelled, I shall think of you. (Addendum: 2 years later, this also proves to be true.) Love, John. P.S. You're not a fucking bitch. Or a commie.
(From the Venezuelan) Suggestion for new name for 6 West: "Colonel Funk and the Groove Militia Jivin' Down in the Boogie Barracks" (It's a keeper!)
~ alternate suggestion for new 6 West name: "Screamin' Hernia Joe and the Kidney Stones".
~ alas, the final chapter of the neverending saga (of what was once something john did to entertain himself during those lonely nights at the convent but what is now a collection of offensive, tasteless, slanderous nonsense) must come, and with it the last of the red folder as we know it. who knows to what size the handwriting will balloon to now that julie's influence is gone?
~ in the middle of any conversation, stand up and say, "HOT DAMN!". sit back down and act sane.
~ try to get the final word in during any argument. this is the true determinant for who wins.
~ tell someone in the immediate vicinity every time he has an erection. how are you supposed to know? it's an art.
~ i think everyone should go around in erection-sensitive pants: pants that change color in the groinular (?) area when an erection is occuring. this would make my life so much easier.
~ idea: nipple-sensitive shirts with flashing lights and nipple magnifiers.
~ don't over-use the word "head". you must conserve head-usage.
~ i wish i knew more venzuelans. my old one is getting more sassy than i like.
~ anyone that only wears black is either a sad s/m self-hating anti-semite or on heroin (but only because popular culture says so).
~ dress your favorite coach-"teacher" in a slinky sequin dress and call him lola. duct-tape-induced gential-concealing is optional.
- give a van allen sister a dissected fetal pig. give the other van allen sister a roll of masking tape. try to get them to fight over the pig. everyone likes little dead things cut open more than adhesives.
~ i wonder if venezuelans get as much joy out of us as we get from them.
~ spank people who tell boring stories. that'll learn 'em.
~ high school is the second-deepest pit in hell. and i am forever gone. so long, all you kids and malchiks.
~ john, i will be expecting that airhorn/ kazoo/ whistle at graduation. i'm counting on you. (Note: When Julie walked across the stage, John blasted on a scuba diver's whistle, one that can be heard from 500 feet away underwater, and blasted out the eardrums of the six rows surrounding him.)
~ at senior awards night, trip on the stage. extra points if you falloff the stage. extra bonus points if you bring down a class officer. bring down a principal and we crown you king of the red folder.
~ when you have a headache, take it out on other people's shins.
~ when you are acting, wear a giant nametag with your name on it to remind yourself who you are. otherwise, you might forget.
~ sassy.
~ futon.
~ venezuelan.
~ head.
~ bye.
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