A small amount of time had passed since my revelation, and I still was not ready to even consider ways to break it off with Kelly. She was so entrenched in my life. We lived together, she was a music critic (which is how we met) and we owned a puppy together. If we broke up, what would happen to the puppy?

So, I'm freaking about the small things. I should focus on the part that I was allowing this woman to continue believing that I loved her. And I just could not bring myself to even think of ways of how to tell her. She didn't deserve to be hurt like that. I was stuck in the desire to be free from her, and the desire to not be the cause of her pain.

We had spent the most of New Years day cleaning up the house. After a few hours of work, Kelly declared that she was going to crash for a few minutes. Feeling nauseous from guilt, I couldn't seem to settle down. I wandered aimlessly around the house, thinking and rethinking my terrible position. Finally, I grew so discouraged and frustrated, I walked upstairs, and I saw her sleeping.

I tried to be as quiet as possible as I walked up beside the couch she had stretched out on. I sat on the floor next to her, and stared at her. She looked peaceful. Sighing, I asked myself the question I had been torturing myself with since the moment of my revelation. Why couldn't I love her? Looking down at her sleeping, I tried to find a reason, a bad quality, an absolutely annoying idiosyncrasy, anything. But I could only find the positive. And no answer came to me.

She stirred slightly, and then opened her eyes and smiled. She knew I had been watching her sleep. Then she checked her watch and informed me that it was definitely time to start getting organised for tomorrow.

As we packed for the trip that I had planned a few months before, thinking that it would be the perfect Christmas present, a chance for the two of us to get away together (we hardly ever got to do that), I felt my stomach twist into knots. I would have to spend a week alone with her (unless Nick took me up on my offer to visit, but he had seemed a little distracted) and I didn't think I could handle that. It would just make the inevitable break up even harder.

"Paige, do me a favour," I asked.

"No, Brian. The last time I did you a favour, I ended up in the hospital," she answered, immediately cautious.

"You chose to climb onto the roof. That wasn't part of the favour. Anyway, what are your plans for this week?" I changed the subject, hoping to keep her concentration away from the "roof incident".

"Oh, find an apartment, so I can stop free-loading off of you, find a job, do some shopping, reunite with my estranged brother and maybe, if I have time, get a haircut in there somewhere. Why? What exciting but unpractical thing do you want me to do instead?" she asked, knowing me all to well. It still amazes me that we had managed to stay friends, despite the fifteen year span where we had to communicate through letters, and then eventually through voice mail (I was never home long enough to catch her phone calls). And she still knew me all to well for comfort.

"Come to Cancun with us," I pleaded.

"Right, a romantic getaway with your girlfriend and your best friend. Third wheel much?" Paige had always been sarcastic.

"It's not a romantic getaway. Please, just come with us," I begged.

"Why? Kelly mad at you?"

"Of course not, she's not the problem."

"Which means you are. What's up with the happy couple?" Paige asked, her curiosity pricked.

"I can't really explain it, but I just have the feeling that everything is wrong between us, like it's all fake. I had a kind of-"

"You're deluded, don't you dare destroy this relationship. Kelly is the best thing that has ever happened to you, you cannot deny that, and if you ruin this, I'm going to have to side with her," Paige threatened. Great to see she had loyalty. And was a good friend willing to listen to me when I needed her.

"Just come with us, please? I won't be able to last the week with just the two of us without doing something stupid. Paige, please?" I pleaded again.

"This is against my better judgement, but I guess I'll be able to swing it if I put off that haircut I was planning," she said, half-serious.

* * * *

Kelly was pretty pissed when I told her Paige was coming. So I made up an excuse about how I felt guilty leaving her alone in our house while we went away, when she had just gotten there. More lies. This was getting too deep, but the way her eyes had softened when I told her that had made my inner turmoil that much more difficult. She honestly thought that I was doing this out of concern for my friend, not because I couldn't stand the thought of staying a week with her, without anyone else around. She couldn't see any hidden agendas. She trusted me.

I felt like scum.