**rain's lyric*** number 16 "is falling all there is to do anymore?" 11/26/98 3:14 am
the secrets of you
i can't understand
why you'd want another
while you still hold my hand
things are becoming clearer
i realise this is sad
i'm holding on to nothing
nothing's all i've ever had
what should i do
it's just constant pain anyway
one day i'm floating on air
the next, feeling so alone
not knowing
not feeling
not living anymore
not seeing
not caring
not breathing anymore
the secrets of you
i can't understand
i'm holding on to nothing
it's you i've never had
ya know
i'm really sick of everything
really tired of these ups and downs
being incredibly happy one day
horribly sad the next
it really fucks with your head
i haven't written a damn lyric in forever
sorry to those of you who care
or actually read them
i actually have been happy for awhile
so i didn't really have much to write about
since i tend to only write when i feel shitty
and now i do
so here i am
i have a boyfriend now
i wish i could say he's great and wonderful
actually he is
but not often enough
i don't know what a "healthy relationship" is
is it really supposed to be this difficult?
i don't know
i wish people would just learn to communicate what they mean
how they feel
i wish i could do the same
it's hard because i'm so comfortable with my boyfriend (nick)
but then i'm so fucking dumb
i need reassurance
cuz i don't really know how he feels
and it drives me bloody mad!!
sometimes i really think he just doesn't care at all
then the next day he's the sweetest thing
how am i supposed to feel?
what am i supposed to do?
i hate being a girl
girls fall in love too easily
girls are too sensitive
girls are stupid
but girls are also really fucking cool
sometimes i just want to completely forget about guys
but then most of my friends are guys
so then where would i be?
i feel so invisible
rachel? who's rachel?
i don't know her
no one knows her
fuck it
another thing i just realised
is all these damn hopes and dreams...
just fucking fade away
why do i let them
what do i really want?
i used to say i was going to go to australia at the beginning
of '99...
but i let that fade away
then i was supposed to move to arizona in february
but i changed my plans just for my boyfriend...
what the hell is wrong with me
i don't know what i want
i hope someday i will
because all this indecision is
really tearing me apart
and eventually it'll get to the point
where nothing's real anymore
and nothing will be worth even trying
i'm so fucking pissed at myself..
for letting myself be pissed
i shouldn't care
i shouldn't let things get to me
especially people
what gives them the power over me
to make me feel this way
do they even realise
so fucking empty
so fucking wasted inside
the outside painted pretty
but it only hides the lies
the smile that withers
the love that fades
the words spoken thoughtless
seeps into mind, degrades
tripping on every footstep
broken beyond repair
wondering what is going on
fuck it, it's not fair
it's past the point of being simple
and it really never was
and i don't think i care anymore
at least that's what i'll make myself believe
if i go to sleep
will it all just go away??
(
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