QUOTES GIVEN TO ME BY SpkyPogo77 (chris)
Say these two sentences out loud.
EYE AM WE TODD DID
EYE AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!"
Quote by SpkyPogo77: he'd make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark, sometimes he'd accuse chestnuts of being lazy
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
i like to take shits on top of my tv
and then whipe it up with my dog
then make my mom lick it off
these were given to be by Oiprecious
um never squeeze the charmin cuz it doesn't take anyshit....
Fowarded emails that i think are funny It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know..
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world.
The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest
Here is something funny

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers
have accepted the Medical Associations's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same story over and over again.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
>>>> WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
>>>> WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby
small (and sometimes large) gaps of time mayseem to literally disappear.
>>>> WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Donated by Tara
Differences Between Good Girls And Bad Girls


Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
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Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
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Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
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Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
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Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
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Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
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Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
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Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
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Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
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Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do to, but only for starters
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Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
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Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Tips for Rednecks
1. If drinking directly from the bottle,
always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
3. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
4. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
>
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Jokes for women, as opposed to jokes about women

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says:"So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
>>>>TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX: 1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
MORE QUOTES WANTED PLEASE SUBMIT THEM TO ME oijimdandy@aol.com
Updated March 29, 1999