Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.

Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with

one of these magnets.



Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the

shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is

done... (Cachunk!)



Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped

with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want

anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the

phone.



Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on

your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on

your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your

touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything,

but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we

have a big time phone system.



This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your

reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think

about returning your call.



(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...



Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your

name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon

as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the

answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.



Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know

how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang

up.



I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid

talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could

help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.

Thanks.



I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement

printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any

money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your

name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're

from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.





This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and

number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate

you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.



A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a

channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast

into the future.



This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what

you-know-when.



You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the

nineties. You know what to do.



Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your

regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I

dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand?

Well, sometimes I do. Bye.



These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and

miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.



Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die

before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

---

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