God as a Programmer

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so non programmers become scared of him. God thinks he's irritating but irrelevant.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email.

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he ask the monsignor how he had done it. The monsignor replied "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following on his door.

1.Sip the Vodka don't gulp.

2.There are 10 commandments not 12.

3.The are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred as the Big Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8.David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out if him.

9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said "take this and eat, for it is my body,".....he did not say "eat me".

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry."

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-Dub Dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God."

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

15.I think the idea of a drive-up confessional is good, but the sign "Toot and tell or go to Hell" needs to be reworded.

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. During the course of the evening he started wondering if there was more between the elderly priest and housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it?" The elderly priest said "Well, I doubt it, but I will write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Father, I am not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I am not saying you did not take a gravy ladle from my house. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper and I am not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now!!!

This next section is extremely funny. Be prepared to take a copy to church.

Errors in Church Bulletins

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

2. Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a

nursery downstairs.

4. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of

David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

5. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of

the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

6. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.

All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in

his study.

7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and

lay an egg on the alter.

8. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies

will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

9. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of all kinds. They can

be seen in the be seen in the church basement Saturday.

10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is

hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,

trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy

21:11-13)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his

flock. (Moses--Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.

(Boaz--Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one

and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites--Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost

you. (Adam--Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.

Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years

for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right.

Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob--Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get

his daughter for a wife. (David--1 Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll

definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain--Genesis

4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes

or Ahasuerus--Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have

seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your

decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."

(Samson--Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons,

though). (David--2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good

idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz--Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example

in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon--1

Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!! (Paul--1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

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