A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there but I found you something". I got you a gig bagging lions. To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing". At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck. He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another. He says "What the heck, one more won't hurt". He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him. One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over".

Three men are waiting at the hospital for their wives to have babies. After what seems an eternity, the nurse finally walks into the waiting room and goes up to the first guy and says "Congratulations sir, you've just had twins!"

"Wow, this is great!" he exclaims, "And, what a coincidence, I work at Twin City Federal!"

A half hour later the nurse comes back into the waiting room, approaches the second guy and says "Congratulations sir, you've just had triplets!"

"Are you serious?!" he replies, "This is the greatest day of my life! Gosh, what a coincidence, I work at 3M!"

At this moment the third guys says "That's it, I'm outta here!".

The second guy asks why.

Third guy says "I work at 10,000 Auto Parts!"

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.

However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You

know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get

killed!"

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each on in turn.

When he finished them, he comes back into to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in American, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

So the Pope arrives at New York's Kennedy Airport, fully attired in his Pope regalia. He gets into a limo and laments to his driver that the biggest drawback of being Pope is that he has trouble doing fun things.

Pope: You know, I haven't driven a car in 15 years. You think that maybe I could drive

this limo around town a bit?

Driver: I could get fired for doing this.

Pope: Just 15 minutes.

So the Pope gets behind the wheel and dons the chauffeur's hat. Five minutes later a police car pulls him aside for reckless driving. The cop immediately begins writing a ticket and then freezes as soon as he recognizes the driver.The cop returns to his car to call his captain.

Cop: I gotta big problem. I started writing this ticket and then I discover I'm ticketing a

very important, I mean very important, person.

Capt: So who is this very important person, you gotta call me at 2 a.m.? Who is it, Mayor Guiliani?

Cop: No much more important.

Capt: So who is it? Mario Cuomo or Bill Clinton?

Cop: No much bigger.

Capt: So who, Frank Sinatra, Pavorati, who??

Cop: Captain, I dunno who da hell this guy is. But I tell ya this, this guy is so BIG, he has the freakin' Pope drivin' for him!!!!

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel.

The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of beer that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending beer bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

Commander of Ship: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Worker: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

Commander of Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Worker: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Commander of Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Worker: This is a lighthouse... Your call.

Who's To Blame?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

Hearing Aids

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

My Psychologist

I went to see my psychologist the other day and I told him, "Well you see Doc, I've been having trouble sleeping because these strange dreams keep me awake." "Really, go on," replied the doctor. "Yes, really. You see one night I dreamed I was a wigwam and the next night I had the same exact dream except this time I was a tee-pee." "I see," said the doctor, "But your problem is simple." "Honestly Doc? What's my problem?" I asked. The doctor replied "You too 'tents!'"

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers "ROOF."

The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".

The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer.

The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that drink."

The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"

After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.

"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head!"

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God answered: " A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"

The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"

The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"

The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me' ?'"

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

"What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.

"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.

"Nope. I'm a frayed knot." ( AFRAID KNOT)

A old man was walking through the park in tears, when a lady saw him and decided to see if she could offer him some help. So the lady walked up to the man and asked him, "Do you have any family?"

The man immediately replied, "Oh yes!, I have a most beautiful wife who is cooking me an elegant dinner as we speak, three wonderful children who are all on the honor roll, and a lovely house."

Confused, the lady wondered how a man whose life appeared so wonderful could be walking through the park so sad. So she asked the old man, "If you have a beautiful wife, three wonderful kids, and a lovely home, why are you so sad?"

The old man replied, "Because I can't find my way home..."

An Indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name."

So the Indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the Indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.

The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper." Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?" And the girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap from Indians."

There were three men sitting in a bar drinking. One man said to the other "You know what? I know this bridge, where you can jump off and you bounce right back."

So the other man says, "No way that's ridiculous. It simply cannot be possible." The first replies, "Come on, I'll show is to you then." So the men, both quite tipsy, saunter out of the bar and walk to the bridge. When they arrive at the bridge the first man says "Here I'll show you how it works."

So he climbs up on the edge and jumps off. Seconds later low and behold the man seems to just bounce back up astounding the second man. The second man says "Hey man, do that again! I can't believe it..." So the first jumps off again and immediately comes flying back up again. After seeing this the second man decides to give it a try, after all it all seems quite safe, so he climbs up and jumps off. After a few moments, the second man doesn't return, so the first man walks back to the bar, sits

down and orders another drink. The bartender after noticing the second man is missing, turns to the first man and says, "Superman, you can be such an asshole sometimes."

Three Friends

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

The Dog

One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog right behind the boy. The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?" "No," replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"

The Boat

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

The Animal

A man once said to a sheep rancher and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have may I have one?" Thinking this impossible, the rancher agreed, to which the man replied, "You have 1,795 sheep." "Now how did he get that?" wondered the rancher as the man selected an animal, slung it over his shoulder and turned to leave. "Wait," called the rancher, "If I can guess your occupation can I have that animal back?" "Sure," said the man. "You're a bureaucrat," confirmed the rancher with a grin stretching from ear to ear. "How did you figure that out?" asked the stunned man. "Well," grinned the rancher, "put my dog down and I will tell you."

Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "we might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

The Case of the Missing Cow

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed

to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand." The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that darned cow came

home this morning!"

Duh . . . .!

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

The Note

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. `Forgive us our trespasses.'" When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. `Lead us not into temptation."

Uh . . . . what'd you say?

A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke. "Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

World's worst . . . .?

After a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddie and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddie in the world." "No, I don't think so," said the caddie. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

Where, Oh Where has my little dog gone?

A man had a dog that met him at the door every day when he came home. He came home one day, and the dog didn't meet him. He looked for the dog and he was curled up in the house. He nudged the dog, and said "let's go", and the dog didn't move. He picked up the dog and carried him to the vet. He told the vet "My dog is sick, can you help him?" The vet checked the dog, and said, "Sorry your dog is dead." The man said "He can't be, check him again." The vet checked him again and said "Sir your dog is dead." The man said "Are you sure?" The vet walked into the other room. When he came back he had a cat. He put the cat on the table. The cat jumped onto the dogs back and dug in his nails. From there, the cat jumped on the dogs head. He scratched the dogs nose. He bit the dogs ear. He jumped down and walked away. The man said,"you're right my dog is gone. How much do I owe you?" The vet said, "$545.00. That'll be $45.00 for the office visit, and $500.00 for the cat scan."

Most important man in the world

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. "It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief. "No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the Governor?" replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Well WHO is it?" screams the chief. "I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

It's a Pig's Life

An efficiency expert was driving through the country side when he noticed an old farmer in an apple orchard feeding his pig. What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer was holding the pig over his head and moving him from apple to apple while the pig ate happily. He turned around, parked and walked up to the farmer saying "Hey there old timer have I got a good idea for you". The farmer asked him what it was and the Expert continued, "Just put the pig on the ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the ground and let the pig eat them there. It sure will save a lot of time." The old farmer thought about this while he moved his pig to another apple and finally said "Aw shucks, mister, what is time to a pig?"

We Aim to Please!

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers." The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

Bear Tales

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

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