* If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95.

* When your modem starts smoking.

* If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.

* If you log-off your system because it's time to go to work.

* If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.

* If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.

* If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.

* If you can write your own html page.

* If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites.

* If you download more than 20Mb of from a binary news group, in one

session.

* If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better

look at a photograph.

* You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced

with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.

* If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on

the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.

* When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for

File/Save command.

* When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on

the dashboard of your car, to make it go.

* When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system

administrator.

* When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service

Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

* When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home

* If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and

receive a "pending disconnection of service" notice.

* When you order most of what you buy... online.

* If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.

* When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually met;

except through e-mail.

* When you log-off from a session in your favorite news group... and your

log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.

* If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're

exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.

* When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.

* You access Microsoft's Web page every Sunday morning for Brother Bill's

sermon.

* When that 112Gb hard drive is full.

* If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.

* When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

* If you have an "online" light installed on your car to tell you when

the engine is running.

* When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere, you do not

enter an http:// or ftp:// address.

* If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car - and under-

stand what they say.

* When you modify the programming of your car's computers and actually

get better mileage.

* When you can access the Net - via your portable and cellular phone.

* If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone

in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect

it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.

* If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.

* When you put a CD-ROM in your car's player.

* When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very

disappointed to find it's on TV.

* If every sentence you utter begins with, "On the Net..."

* If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of

envelopes.

* If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.

* When you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" - for the 63rd time.

* When you have the movie "The Net" on CD-ROM.

* If magazines like "InterNetWorld" are of greater interest than

"Playboy" or "Playgirl".

* If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.

* If you use more than 20 passwords.

* If you setup your own Web page.

* If you setup a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets.

* If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail

address.

* If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T have an e-mail addresses.

* If, to you, 'safe sex' means doing it online.

* If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail is

so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.

* If you can relate to one of the above.

* If you can relate to all the above.

* If you deny these relate to you.

* If you can write a list like this.

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream

"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look

suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that

you can't get the dang thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5

minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you

evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different

screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the

highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something

on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret

Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chain saw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say

"Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at

everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're

crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees.

Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray

"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps

if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by

hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion

Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your

monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly

that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it

doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the

smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two

days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this

for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to

you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the

person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far

more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut

them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your

desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place

them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them

around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of

cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like

this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working

conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and

continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B

key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an

entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind

if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the

old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you

see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill

isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete

key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does

*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar

on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your

neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been

hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"

Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and

complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some

Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is

drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst

out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing,grab your stuff

and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate

hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back

and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the

computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type

again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them

like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to

figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.

Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead

doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers

in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily,

exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after

every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug

your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly

sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chain saw, rev

that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that

computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other

passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,

dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the

elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got

enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours

upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without

getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,

then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask

them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open

until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the

bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:

"I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now,

damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of

THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do..." and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other

passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in

muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.

52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get

them off!"

53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.

54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other

passengers like they are crazy.

55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only

a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home

early just when it's getting to the good part.

56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.

57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down!

I said down, dammit!"

58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.

59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.

60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor

suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist

to others that you "like it that way".

* Drum on every available surface.

* Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for

alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 800 operators for dates.

* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

* Set alarms for random times.

* Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public

consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

* Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

* Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the

volume properly adjusted.

* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental

movies.

* Wear your pants backwards.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their

complimentary mints by the cash register.

* Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

* Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal

Machine Music".

* Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode.

* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

* only type in lowercase.

* don't use any punctuation either

* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

* Pay for your dinner with pennies.

* Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

* Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's

road maps.

* Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ OJ

Simpson conspiracy theories.

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"

"What?"

"Never mind, it's gone now."

* Light road flares on a birthday cake.

* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

* Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

* At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

* When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until

physically restrained.

* Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

* Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb

Chops?)

* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your

chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and

repeat.

* Drive half a block.

* Name your dog "Dog".

* Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

* Ask people what gender they are.

* Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back

in the tray.

* Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a

"real hoot".

* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that

you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with

a can of Lysol.

* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,

such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme

song.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first

in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people

pronounce each A.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if

they slow down.

* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people

play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

* Wear a LOT of cologne.

* Ask to "interface" with someone.

* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is

necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

* Sing along at the opera.

* Mow your lawn with scissors.

* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

* Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

* Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in

a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

* Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't

cricket."

* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".

* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing

awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any

moment.

* Never make eye contact.

* Never break eye contact.

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your

ears.

* Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

* Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,

announcing the results.

* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal

Howard Cossell voice.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Make appointments for the 31st of September.

* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the

person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and

you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and

ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED

COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's

"Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask

for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called

you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would

like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from

an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'

Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself

and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.

That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh

of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"

sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well,

so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer

proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you

know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.

When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream

goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid

behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can

surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be

ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,

Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was

I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that

these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and

didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's

fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary

in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed

by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and...

action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this

time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."

Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may

be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to

get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a

description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt

that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular

intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from

some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent

orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,

say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say

"No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated

again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it,

do you?"

84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I

hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,

won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act

embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If

he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the

background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your

(time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above

practices are rejected by the order taker,

100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

...your twin sister forgets your birthday.

...you wake up face down on the pavement.

...you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

...you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

...you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

...your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

...your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

...you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there

aren't any.

...you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of

your city.

...the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

...you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize

that you don't have a water bed.

...your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group

of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

...you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR List server saying that you're no longer funny

...you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads:

"WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"