Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar

An actual tip from page 16 of the Health Physics "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees."

"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk

noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the

card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary

to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just

signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that

signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,

they matched.

Warning!

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card

readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your

card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip

down, face toward me."

Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded,

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both

cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type,

disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium

then."

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the

local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer

Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted

them to cross there.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a

large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with

their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the

branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a

fire downtown?

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the

next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became

visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the

amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to

say, she was very disappointed.

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her

for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she

paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am,

that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year

that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about

that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You aren't gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Downie's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes

out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is

to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the

fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie

thought was H20 was H2SO4 (sulfuric acid).

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.