D
DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians,
the meaning
of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is
believed to
have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible
degree
of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary,
thinks it
expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently
occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy."
It
would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion
conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.
DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music,
preferably
with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are
many
kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the
two
sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously
innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.
DANGER, n.
A savage beast which, when it sleeps,
Man girds at and despises,
But takes himself away by leaps
And bounds when it arises.
Ambat Delaso
DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man
in
security.
DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic
Church,
whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the
words
_Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship
of
God.
DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain
old men
prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long
walk
with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.
They then
point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and
old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason
we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all
the
others who have tried it.
DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
This period
is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day
improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter
consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social
activity
overlap.
DEAD, adj.
Done with the work of breathing; done
With all the world; the mad race run
Though to the end; the golden goal
Attained and found to be a hole!
Squatol Johnes
DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that
he has
had the misfortune to overtake it.
DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of
the slave-
driver.
As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
Pressing his nose against the glass that holds
him,
Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
And finds at last he might as well have paid
it.
Barlow S. Vode
DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number --
just enough
to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough
to
embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of
the
Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.
Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.
No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.
Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.
Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.
Kill not, abet not those who kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Bear not false witness -- that is low --
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."
Cover thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
G.J.
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of
influences
over another set.
A leaf was riven from a tree,
"I mean to fall to earth," said he.
The west wind, rising, made him veer.
"Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."
The east wind rose with greater force.
Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."
With equal power they contend.
He said: "My judgment I suspend."
Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,
Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."
"First thoughts are best?" That's not
the moral;
Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.
Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,
You'll have no hand in it at all.
G.J.
DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth
about another.
DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.
DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's
ancestors.
The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy;
it
required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the
heroes
of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never
tires of
sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps
why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of
returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden
him he
would certainly have starved.
DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress
from
private station to political preferment.
DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when
the
Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland,
its
name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man
pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in
Paris.
Variously pronounced.
DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise
that
comes in sets.
DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine
which
side it is buttered on.
DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed
away
the sins (and sinners) of the world.
DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising
Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many
other goodly sons and daughters.
All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee
The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
Mumfrey Mappel
DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your
mouth,
pulls coins out of your pocket.
DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the
support
which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his
bondsman.
The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie
and
an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk.
When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a
cloud
of dust.
"Chief Deputy," the Master cried,
"To-day the books are to be tried
By experts and accountants who
Have been commissioned to go through
Our office here, to see if we
Have stolen injudiciously.
Please have the proper entries made,
The proper balances displayed,
Conforming to the whole amount
Of cash on hand -- which they will count.
I've long admired your punctual way --
Here at the break and close of day,
Confronting in your chair the crowd
Of business men, whose voices loud
And gestures violent you quell
By some mysterious, calm spell --
Some magic lurking in your look
That brings the noisiest to book
And spreads a holy and profound
Tranquillity o'er all around.
So orderly all's done that they
Who came to draw remain to pay.
But now the time demands, at last,
That you employ your genius vast
In energies more active. Rise
And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
Inspire your underlings, and fling
Your spirit into everything!"
The Master's hand here dealt a whack
Upon the Deputy's bent back,
When straightway to the floor there fell
A shrunken globe, a rattling shell
A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
The man had been a twelvemonth dead.
Jamrach Holobom
DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse
for
failure.
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the
patient's
pulse and purse.
DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of
the chest
from disorders of the bowels.
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which
he can
relate to himself without blushing.
Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ
All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
Erased all entries of his own and cried:
"I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst:
"Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First"
--
Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,
That record from a pocket in his shroud.
The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,
Each stupid line of which he knew before,
Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit
On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
"My friend, you've wandered from your proper
track:
You'd never be content this side the tomb --
For big ideas Heaven has little room,
And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"
He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
"The Mad Philosopher"
DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence
of
despotism to the plague of anarchy.
DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping
the growth
of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary,
however, is a most useful work.
DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the
word, because
there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long
intervals,
however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true,
for it
is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that
eminent poet
and domestic economist, Senator Depew:
A cube of cheese no larger than a die
May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.
DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues.
When the
process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance
from
which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies
are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and
better
error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person
or
thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the
maturity
of a command.
His right to govern me is clear as day,
My duty manifest to disobey;
And if that fit observance e'er I shut
May I and duty be alike undone.
Israfel Brown
DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character.
Let us dissemble.
Adam
DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for
the poor to
call theirs, and keep.
DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity
of a
friend.
DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination
is of as
many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering
dunce
and the early fool.
DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed
to catch
the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine
Being in
some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection
of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant.
The Dog
is a survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does
he spin,
yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day
long,
sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the
means
wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned
with a look of tolerant recognition.
DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in
so equal
measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on
horseback.
DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French.
DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion
which
did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice.
Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith.
Pliny says
their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far
as
Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries
went to
Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear
to have
obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although
his
talent for human sacrifice was considerable.
Druids performed their religious rites in groves,
and knew nothing
of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents.
They
were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently
catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England
--
Dissenters.
DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the
canvas-back
season.
DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation
of two
enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance;
if
awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences
sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a
duel.
That dueling's a gentlemanly vice
I hold; and wish that
it had been my lot
To live my life out
in some favored spot --
Some country where it is considered nice
To split a rival like a fish, or slice
A husband like a spud,
or with a shot
Bring down a debtor
doubled in a knot
And ready to be put upon the ice.
Some miscreants there are, whom I do long
To shoot, to stab, or
some such way reclaim
The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng.
It looks as if to challenge
_me_ they came,
Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!
Xamba Q. Dar
DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and
life.
The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy
have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power
is their
insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh
with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia,
whence
they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having
blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia,
and
many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent
times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread
all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art,
literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards
came
over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable
report
of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion
has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy
statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is
but
little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.
The
intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois,
but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral.
DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of
profit,
along the line of desire.
Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,
Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port.
His anger provoked him to take the king's head,
But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread,
Instead.
G.J.
E
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the
functions of
mastication, humectation, and deglutition.
"I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,"
said Brillat-
Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant;
"eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe,
monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say
I was
eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before."
EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes
and
vices of another or yourself.
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think," said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said, with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
Gopete Sherany
ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools
employ
it to accentuate their incapacity.
ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do
not need for
the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm
to a
toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and
a man
to a worm.
EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of
Minos,
Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely
virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the
virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him
the
splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he
resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind
at the
tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay,
soft as
the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star.
Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne
of
thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the
Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek,
the
editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths
to
suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple
is heard
the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six
lines
of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and
whack
up some pathos.
O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,
A gilded impostor is
he.
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
His crown is brass,
Himself an ass,
And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
Prankily, crankily prating of naught,
Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
Public opinion's camp-follower
he,
Thundering, blundering,
plundering free.
Affected,
Ungracious,
Suspected,
Mendacious,
Respected contemporaree!
J.H. Bumbleshook
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from
the
foolish their lack of understanding.
EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur
together in
the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate
the
other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who
has
never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the
rabbit the cause of a dog.
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself
than in
me.
Megaceph, chosen to serve the State
In the halls of legislative debate,
One day with all his credentials came
To the capitol's door and announced his name.
The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
And said: "Go away, for we settle here
All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
To be told how every member stands,
A man who to all things under the sky
Assents by eternally voting 'I'."
EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity.
It is
also much used in cases of extreme poverty.
ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting
for the man
of another man's choice.
ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena
not known
to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning,
and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most
picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.
The memory
of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly
in
France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition,
bearing the following touching account of his life and services
to
science:
"Monsieur Franqulin,
inventor of electricity. This
illustrious savant, after having made several
voyages around the
world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was
devoured by savages,
of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."
Electricity seems destined to play a most important
part in the
arts and industries. The question of its economical application
to
some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved
that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give
more
light than a horse.
ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing
any of
the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's
mind
the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example
begins
somewhat like this:
The cur foretells the knell of parting day;
The loafing herd winds
slowly o'er the lea;
The wise man homeward plods; I only stay
To fiddle-faddle in
a minor key.
ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white
is the
color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making
any color
appear white.
ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients
foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good.
This
ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the
earth
by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!
EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another
to
the despotism of himself.
He was a slave: at word he went and came;
His iron collar cut
him to the bone.
Then Liberty erased his owner's name,
Tightened the rivets
and inscribed his own.
G.J.
EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases
upon which
it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the
natural
balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their
once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting
more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket
is a step
in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be
ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table
as a
bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall
get him
after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and
rose
are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_.
EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination
of the
heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious
discharge
of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar.
END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from
the
Interlocutor.
The man was perishing apace
Who played the tambourine;
The seal of death was on his face --
'Twas pallid, for 'twas
clean.
"This is the end," the sick man said
In faint and failing
tones.
A moment later he was dead,
And Tambourine was Bones.
Tinley Roquot
ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.
Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter
Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter.
Arbely C. Strunk
ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop
short of
death by injection.
ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses
of
repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had
a
relapse, which carried him off -- to Missolonghi.
ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a
bill; the
husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.
ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.
EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a
military
officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower
rank to whom his death would give promotion.
EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher
who,
holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no
time
in gratification from the senses.
EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently
characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.
Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned
and
ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:
We know better the needs
of ourselves than of others. To
serve oneself is economy of administration.
In each human heart
are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a
nightingale. Diversity of character is
due to their unequal
activity.
There are three sexes;
males, females and girls.
Beauty in women and
distinction in men are alike in this:
they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility.
Women in love are less
ashamed than men. They have less to be
ashamed of.
While your friend holds
you affectionately by both your hands
you are safe, for you can watch both his.
EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues
acquired
by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching
example:
Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,
Wise, pious, humble and all that,
Who showed us life as all should live it;
Let that be said -- and God forgive it!
ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
So wide his erudition's mighty span,
He knew Creation's origin and plan
And only came by accident to grief --
He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.
Romach Pute
ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately
occult.
The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those
that
the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_,
those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that
have most
profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance
in
our time.
ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes
of Man,
as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and
ethnologists.
EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi.
A dispute once unhappily arose among the members
of this sect as
to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five
hundred
thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.
EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages
of wealth
and power, or the consideration to be dead.
EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in
a religious
sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation
of
our neighbors.
EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small
diffidence
that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for
I am
not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop
of
Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting,"
as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_.
His book
was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and
is
still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit
of
the soul.
EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from
other
things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.
"The
exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the
lips
of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought
of its absurdity. In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_"
means
that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not
_confirms_ it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this
excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted
an
evil power which appears to be immortal.
EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate
penalties the law of moderation.
Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine,
To thee in worship do
I bend the knee
Who preach abstemiousness
unto me --
My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,
Could ne'er persuade
so sweetly to agree
With reason as thy touch,
exact and free,
Upon my forehead and along my spine.
At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,
With the hot grape I
warm no more my wit;
When on thy stool of
penitence I sit
I'm quite converted, for I can't get up.
Ungrateful he who afterward would falter
To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
EXCOMMUNICATION, n.
This "excommunication" is a word
In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal --
A rite permitting Satan to enslave him
Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.
Gat Huckle
EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it
is to
enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as
the
judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid
and of
no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled,
_The
Lunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:
LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has
passed a law it goes
directly to the Supreme
Court in order that it may at once be
known whether it is
constitutional?
TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require
the approval of the
Supreme Court until
having perhaps been enforced for many
years somebody objects
to its operation against himself -- I
mean his client.
The President, if he approves it, begins to
execute it at once.
LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a
part of the legislative.
Do your policemen also
have to approve the local ordinances
that they enforce?
TERRESTRIAN: Not yet -- at least not in
their character of
constables. Generally
speaking, though, all laws require the
approval of those whom
they are intended to restrain.
LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant
is not valid until signed by
the murderer.
TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too
strongly; we are not so
consistent.
LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining
an expensive judicial
machinery to pass upon
the validity of laws only after they
have long been executed,
and then only when brought before the
court by some private
person -- does it not cause great
confusion?
TERRESTRIAN: It does.
LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws,
previously to being
executed, be validated,
not by the signature of your
President, but by that
of the Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court?
TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for
any such course.
LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that?
TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five
hundred lawyers in three
volumes each.
So how can any one know?
EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another
upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.
EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad,
yet is not
an ambassador.
An English sea-captain being asked if he had
read "The Exile of
Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on
it." Years
afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career
of
unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in
the
ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:
Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle
of Erin. Coldly
received. War with the whole world!
EXISTENCE, n.
A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!"
EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as
an
undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
To one who, journeying through night and fog,
Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
Experience, like the rising of the dawn,
Reveals the path that he should not have gone.
Joel Frad Bink
EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools
prefer to
lose their friends.
EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created
the
future state.
F
FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that
formerly
inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its
habits,
and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children.
The
fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a
clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as
lately
as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord
of
the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so
affected
that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a
troop of
fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of
a
peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing.
The
son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but
afterward returned. He had seen the abduction been in pursuit
of the
fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century,
avers
that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw
one
change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with
great
slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original
shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain
which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of
the
wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England,
a law was
made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge,
or
mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected.
FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one
who speaks
without knowledge, of things without parallel.
FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Done to a turn on the iron, behold
Him who to be famous
aspired.
Content? Well, his grill has a plating
of gold,
And his twistings are
greatly admired.
Hassan Brubuddy
FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
A king there was who lost an eye
In some excess of passion;
And straight his courtiers all did try
To follow the new fashion.
Each dropped one eyelid when before
The throne he ventured,
thinking
'Twould please the king. That monarch
swore
He'd slay them all for
winking.
What should they do? They were not hot
To hazard such disaster;
They dared not close an eye -- dared not
See better than their
master.
Seeing them lacrymose and glum,
A leech consoled the
weepers:
He spread small rags with liquid gum
And covered half their
peepers.
The court all wore the stuff, the flame
Of royal anger dying.
That's how court-plaster got its name
Unless I'm greatly lying.
Naramy Oof
FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually
signalized by
gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person
distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church
feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly
immovable until they are full. In their earliest development
these
entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were
held by
the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians,
as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it
is
believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters.
Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which
was
held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven.
FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion,
who in
embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.
FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
The Maker, at Creation's birth,
With living things had stocked the earth.
From elephants to bats and snails,
They all were good, for all were males.
But when the Devil came and saw
He said: "By Thine eternal law
Of growth, maturity, decay,
These all must quickly pass away
And leave untenanted the earth
Unless Thou dost establish birth" --
Then tucked his head beneath his wing
To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing
With deviltry did so accord,
That he'd suggested to the Lord.
The Master pondered this advice,
Then shook and threw the fateful dice
Wherewith all matters here below
Are ordered, and observed the throw;
Then bent His head in awful state,
Confirming the decree of Fate.
From every part of earth anew
The conscious dust consenting flew,
While rivers from their courses rolled
To make it plastic for the mould.
Enough collected (but no more,
For niggard Nature hoards her store)
He kneaded it to flexible clay,
While Nick unseen threw some away.
And then the various forms He cast,
Gross organs first and finer last;
No one at once evolved, but all
By even touches grew and small
Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
To match all living things He'd made
Females, complete in all their parts
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
"No matter," Satan cried; "with speed
I'll fetch the very hearts they need" --
So flew away and soon brought back
The number needed, in a sack.
That night earth range with sounds of strife
--
Ten million males each had a wife;
That night sweet Peace her pinions spread
O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead!
G.J.
FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual
liar's nearest
approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.
When David said: "All men are liars,"
Dave,
Himself a liar, fibbed
like any thief.
Perhaps he thought to
weaken disbelief
By proof that even himself was not a slave
To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave
Had been of all her
servitors the chief
Had he but known a fig's
reluctant leaf
Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave.
No, David served not Naked Truth when he
Struck that sledge-hammer
blow at all his race;
Nor did he hit the nail upon the head:
For reason shows that it could never be,
And the facts contradict
him to his face.
Men are not liars all, for some are dead.
Bartle Quinker
FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.
FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction
of a
horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.
To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn
I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn."
To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst,
'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first."
Orm Pludge
FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to
be betrayed.
FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources
for
the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this
word
with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of
America's most precious discoveries and possessions.
FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on
forts and
ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs
that one
sees and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here."
FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.
FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to
another
party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of
Tarsus,
who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our
partisan journals.
FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed
by
Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various
literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and
general diet of the flies infesting the several countries.
These
creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly
and
companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly
embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen,
according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the
work by
a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the
writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature -- that
is to say,
the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and
critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked
right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought
which
comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing
in children
to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful
instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces
the
methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of
races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation
is
found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments
and
chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious
and
serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- _Musca maledicta_.
In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making
the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as
divine
revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever
marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable
enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work.
Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves
of
the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with
such
assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to
grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions,
in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory.
Fully to
understand the important services that flies perform to literature
it
is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside
a
saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the
wit
brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the
duration of exposure.
FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and
controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and
adorns
his life.
Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once
In a thick volume, and
all authors known,
If not thy glory yet
thy power have shown,
Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts
Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and
dunce,
To mend their lives
and to sustain his own,
However feebly be his
arrows thrown,
Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts.
All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise,
With lusty lung, here
on his western strand
With all thine offspring
thronged from every land,
Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise.
And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl,
Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all.
Aramis Loto Frope
FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual
speculation
and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity.
He is
omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent.
He it was
who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the
telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences.
He created
patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy,
law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and
republican
government. He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such
as
creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of
time he sang
upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the
procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in
the
set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's
evening
meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal
grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the
night of
eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human
civilization.
FORCE, n.
"Force is but might," the teacher said --
"That definition's just."
The boy said naught but through instead,
Remembering his pounded head:
"Force is not might
but must!"
FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two
malefactors.
FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define,
but when I
consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives
in
explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations;
when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles
caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination,
and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort
to
prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and
the
efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling
these
awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before
the
mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing
to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and
humbly
refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop
Potter.
FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in
compensation
for their destitution of conscience.
FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting
dead
animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for
this
purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many
advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether
reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity
of
these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking
proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him.
FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor
person -- a
method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately
permitted to lose his case.
When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court
(For Cupid ruled ere
Adam was invented)
Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report,
He stood and pleaded
unhabilimented.
"You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried;
"Actions can't here
be that way prosecuted."
So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied:
He went away -- as he
had come -- nonsuited.
G.J.
FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation
holds
lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor.
In mediaeval
times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates
in
this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England
sent
an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity
of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would
you
master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said
the
officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he
must
e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man,
"this
act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father,
my master
the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of
too
great wealth."
FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose
annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly
half
dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political
condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual
monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom
and liberty is
not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find
a
living specimen of either.
Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,
Once shrieked as Kosciusko
fell;
On every wind, indeed, that blows
I hear her yell.
She screams whenever monarchs meet,
And parliaments as well,
To bind the chains about her feet
And toll her knell.
And when the sovereign people cast
The votes they cannot
spell,
Upon the pestilential blast
Her clamors swell.
For all to whom the power's given
To sway or to compel,
Among themselves apportion Heaven
And give her Hell.
Blary O'Gary
FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies
and
fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles
II,
among working artisans of London, has been joined successively
by the
dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces
all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming
up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants
of
Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different
times by
Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious,
Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found
in the
Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and
the
Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and
in the
Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a Freemason.
FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute
of fortune.
Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather,
but
only one in foul.
The sea was calm and the sky was blue;
Merrily, merrily sailed we two.
(High barometer maketh
glad.)
On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,
The tempest descended and we fell out.
(O the walking is nasty
bad!)
Armit Huff Bettle
FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention
of frogs in
profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them
and
the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship
of the
work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann
has
set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the
slain
frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh
was
besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh,
who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism,
that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could;
so the
programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having
a good
voice but no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, as
written by
Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koax";
the
music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner.
Horses
have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling
them to shine in a hurdle race.
FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in
that
punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was
invented
by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had
died
without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of
a tramp
who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and
devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its
terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva.
Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of
invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith.
The
following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter)
seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited
to
this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life
reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on
the
other side, rewarding its devotees:
Old Nick was summoned to the skies.
Said Peter: "Your
intentions
Are good, but you lack enterprise
Concerning new inventions.
"Now, broiling in an ancient plan
Of torment, but I hear
it
Reported that the frying-pan
Sears best the wicked
spirit.
"Go get one -- fill it up with fat --
Fry sinners brown and
good in't."
"I know a trick worth two o' that,"
Said Nick -- "I'll cook
their food in't."
FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the
dead by
enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure
that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse
To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse.
Our friends expire -- we make the money fly
In hope their souls will chase it to the sky.
Jex Wopley
FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper,
our
friends are true and our happiness is assured.
G
GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays,
in which
the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country
the
gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape
it.
Whether on the gallows high
Or where blood flows
the reddest,
The noblest place for man to die --
Is where he died the
deadest.
(Old play)
GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval
buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some
personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building.
This was
especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures
generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery
of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a
new dean
and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others
substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities
of the
new incumbents.
GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from
coming out
of her stockings and desolating the country.
GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth
and was
rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means
noble
by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor
who did
not particularly care to trace his own.
GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent.
Observe with care, my son, the distinction I
reveal:
A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.
Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents,
For dictionary makers are generally gents.
G.J.
GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference
between
the outside of the world and the inside.
Habeam, geographer of wide reknown,
Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,
In passing thence along the river Zam
To the adjacent village of Xelam,
Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,
Then from exposure miserably died,
And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.
Henry Haukhorn
GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust -- to which,
doubtless,
will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up
garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the
globe
already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower
one,
consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools,
antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors.
The
Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The
Tertiary
comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy
boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage,
anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.
GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.
He saw a ghost.
It occupied -- that dismal thing! --
The path that he was following.
Before he'd time to stop and fly,
An earthquake trifled with the eye
That saw a ghost.
He fell as fall the early good;
Unmoved that awful vision stood.
The stars that danced before his ken
He wildly brushed away, and then
He saw a post.
Jared Macphester
Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts,
Heine mentions
somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much
afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from
such
tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories
of
my own experience.
There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief
in ghosts. A ghost
never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or
"in his
habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe
that not
only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there
is
nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile
fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this
ability,
what object would they have in exercising it? And why does
not the
apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a
ghost
in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach
away down and
get a convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing
faith.
GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of
devouring
the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that
class of
controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of
comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place.
In
1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened
it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted
with
many heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in
more
than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from
dinner at
the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating"
he
would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates
that a
ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury
and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished
a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.)
The water
turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye."
The pond has
since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of
the
fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral
at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place.
Twenty armed
men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and
captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem,
had
transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but
was
nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous
popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed
was so
affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed
himself
in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery.
GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation
by
committing dyspepsia.
GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting
the
interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral
treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common
enough
in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently
saw
them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig
Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest,
and
Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of
a
Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied
by these
statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early
as
1764.
GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer
a fusion
between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former
would not
go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin
of the fusion managers.
GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated
state
resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition
it is
something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.
A hunter from Kew caught a distant view
Of a peacefully meditative
gnu,
And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands
imbrue
In its blood at a closer
interview."
But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw
O'er the top of a palm
that adjacent grew;
And he said as he flew: "It is well I
withdrew
Ere, losing my temper,
I wickedly slew
That really meritorious
gnu."
Jarn Leffer
GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present
writer.
Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.
GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing.
These, by some
occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various
degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character,
so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person
called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript
of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese,
as
discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many
are found
to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen
to be
very great geese indeed.
GORGON, n.
The Gorgon was a maiden bold
Who turned to stone the Greeks of old
That looked upon her awful brow.
We dig them out of ruins now,
And swear that workmanship so bad
Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich
patient.
GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and
Euphrosyne,
who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were
at no
expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of
and
dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened
to
be blowing.
GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for
the feet
for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to
distinction.
GRAPE, n.
Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung,
Anacreon and Khayyam;
Thy praise is ever on the tongue
Of better men than I
am.
The lyre in my hand has never swept,
The song I cannot offer:
My humbler service pray accept --
I'll help to kill the
scoffer.
The water-drinkers and the cranks
Who load their skins
with liquor --
I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks
And tap them with my
sticker.
Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools
When e'er we let the
wine rest.
Here's death to Prohibition's fools,
And every kind of vine-pest!
Jamrach Holobom
GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in
answer to
the demands of American Socialism.
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the
coming of
the medical student.
Beside a lonely grave I stood --
With brambles 'twas
encumbered;
The winds were moaning in the wood,
Unheard by him who slumbered,
A rustic standing near, I said:
"He cannot hear it blowing!"
"'Course not," said he: "the feller's
dead --
He can't hear nowt [sic]
that's going."
"Too true," I said; "alas, too true --
No sound his sense can
quicken!"
"Well, mister, wot is that to you? --
The deadster ain't a-kickin'."
I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile
On him, and mercy show
him!"
That countryman looked on the while,
And said: "Ye
didn't know him."
Pobeter Dunko
GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one
another
with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain
--
the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength
of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely
and
edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of
B,
makes B the proof of A.
GREAT, adj.
"I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign
The monarch of the wood and plain!"
The Elephant replied: "I'm great --
No quadruped can match my weight!"
"I'm great -- no animal has half
So long a neck!" said the Giraffe.
"I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see
My femoral muscularity!"
The 'Possum said: "I'm great -- behold,
My tail is lithe and bald and cold!"
An Oyster fried was understood
To say: "I'm great because I'm good!"
Each reckons greatness to consist
In that in which he heads the list,
And Vierick thinks he tops his class
Because he is the greatest ass.
Arion Spurl Doke
GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his
shoulders
with good reason.
In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial
Evolution_, the
learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this
gesture
-- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles
and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head
inside
the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent
an
authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and
enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II,
c. XI)
the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important
a
theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown.
I
have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired
by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity.
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for
the
settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left
unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is
ascribed to
the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton
says it
was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion
seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.
Moreover,
it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary
of
Agriculture.
Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder
through an event
that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District
of
Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly
reverent of
the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented
him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the
_Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial
value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary
was
instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it
with
soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous
line
of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to
look
backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped
a
lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact
with the
earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary
saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and
fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless,
then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself
thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators
along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak
prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages,
and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what
is that?"
cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the
fading
line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon.
"That,"
said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again
centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of
Washington."