H
HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of
jail when
confined for the wrong crime.
HABIT, n. A shackle for the free.
HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits;
the
place where the dead live.
Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not
synonymous with our
Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there
in
a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields
themselves
were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris.
When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of
evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted
by a
majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell";
but a
conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the
record
and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it.
At the
next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly
sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement:
"Gentlemen,
somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the
good
prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been
the
means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and
immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue.
HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes
called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc.,
were
called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by
a kind
of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of
that
peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair.
At one time
hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful
hag,
all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It
would not
now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment
is
reserved for the use of her grandchildren.
HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be
divided, or
considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated
discussion
arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience
could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father
Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would
demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and
unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon
the
body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained
the
negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite
of a
viper.
HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical
body,
but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a
somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities
and
saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by
moisture
in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred
as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre,
or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by
Szedgkin, a
pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear
the
nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly
decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear
his
unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human
arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in
various
ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals
to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent
invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties
to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play
of
"Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with
her skirt,
as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails
in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.
HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of
the highest
dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by
a
populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American
States
his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey,
where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the
first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning
the
expediency of hanging Jerseymen.
HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the
misery of another.
HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an
harrangue-
outang.
HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores
are exposed
to the fury of the customs.
HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came
from
Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished
for
the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.
HASH, x. There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows
what
hash is.
HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.
"O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,
For peace is a blessing," the White Man said.
The Savage concurred,
and that weapon interred,
With imposing rites, in the White Man's head.
John Lukkus
HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax.
In ancient times there lived a king
Whose tax-collectors could not wring
From all his subjects gold enough
To make the royal way less rough.
For pleasure's highway, like the dames
Whose premises adjoin it, claims
Perpetual repairing. So
The tax-collectors in a row
Appeared before the throne to pray
Their master to devise some way
To swell the revenue. "So great,"
Said they, "are the demands of state
A tithe of all that we collect
Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect:
How, if one-tenth we must resign,
Can we exist on t'other nine?"
The monarch asked them in reply:
"Has it occurred to you to try
The advantage of economy?"
"It has," the spokesman said: "we sold
All of our gray garrotes of gold;
With plated-ware we now compress
The necks of those whom we assess.
Plain iron forceps we employ
To mitigate the miser's joy
Who hoards, with greed that never tires,
That which your Majesty requires."
Deep lines of thought were seen to plow
Their way across the royal brow.
"Your state is desperate, no question;
Pray favor me with a suggestion."
"O King of Men," the spokesman said,
"If you'll impose upon each head
A tax, the augmented revenue
We'll cheerfully divide with you."
As flashes of the sun illume
The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom,
The king smiled grimly. "I decree
That it be so -- and, not to be
In generosity outdone,
Declare you, each and every one,
Exempted from the operation
Of this new law of capitation.
But lest the people censure me
Because they're bound and you are free,
'Twere well some clever scheme were laid
By you this poll-tax to evade.
I'll leave you now while you confer
With my most trusted minister."
The monarch from the throne-room walked
And straightway in among them stalked
A silent man, with brow concealed,
Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed!
G.J.
HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage.
HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively,
this
useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments
-- a
very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of
a once
universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and
emotions
reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action
of
the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak
becomes a
feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from
which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through
which a
caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as
a
pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting
a
hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into
a sigh
of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained
by M.
Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See,
also,
my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections
and
Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.)
In a
scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John
Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives
a
striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor
Dam's
famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_.
HEAT, n.
Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode
Of motion, but I know
now how he's proving
His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed
With skill will set
the human fist a-moving,
And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
_Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.
Gorton Swope
HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship
something that he can see and feel. According to Professor
Howison,
of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.
"The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison.
He's
A Christian philosopher.
I'm
A scurril agnostical chap, if you please,
Addicted too much to
the crime
Of religious discussion
in my rhyme.
Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree
On a _modus vivendi_
-- not they! --
Yet Heaven has had the designing of me,
And I haven't been reared
in a way
To joy in the thick
of the fray.
For this of my creed is the soul and the gist,
And the truth of it
I aver:
Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist,
And 'ite, an 'ie, or
an 'er --
And I'm down upon him
or her!
Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin
Toleration -- that's
all very well,
But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin,
And he's running --
I know by the smell --
A secret and personal
Hell!
Bissell Gip
HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling
you with
talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
while you expound your own.
HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew,
an
altogether superior creation.
HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half.
"Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?"
Says the priest.
"Since the time 'o yer wooin'
She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at
--
For it's naught ye are
ever doin'."
"That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick
replies,
And no sign of contrition
envices;
"But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies,
For she helps to mate
the expinses [sic]!"
Marley Wottel
HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article
of
neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the
open
air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
HERS, pron. His.
HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion.
There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation
of
various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during
the
whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws.
It is
admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean
that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three
or four
centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that
swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their
brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently
been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness
of
the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole
nation
of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting
of Lent
is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation,
to
which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was
strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who
did not
wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family.
HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse
and half
griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half
lion and
half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The
study of
zoology is full of surprises.
HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip.
HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant,
which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly
fools.
Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown
'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish
'twere known,
Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,
Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.
Salder Bupp
HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite
and
serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans
and Jews,
the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected
for
the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as
a songster
that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been
known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific
name of
this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller
did not
discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.
HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.
HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy
and
Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly
inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and
they
can not.
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another.
There are
four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is
for
advantage of the lawyers.
HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual
needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.
So skilled the parson was in homiletics
That all his normal purges and emetics
To medicine the spirit were compounded
With a most just discrimination founded
Upon a rigorous examination
Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.
Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,
His scriptural specifics this physician
Administered -- his pills so efficacious
And pukes of disposition so vivacious
That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam
Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em.
But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated --
uttered
Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered
That in the case of patients having money
The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.
_Biography of Bishop Potter_
HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.
In
legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as
honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.
Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left --
Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft;
When even his dog deserts him, and his goat
With tranquil disaffection chews his coat
While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,
The star far-flaming on thine angel brow,
Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint
The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.
Fogarty Weffing
HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge
certain
persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense
of the
earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active
and
passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female
friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her
sex.
HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise
to make
things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence
marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies
a
soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in
deficient
esteem.
HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of
man, rat,
mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.
_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal
service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations.
_House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it.
_House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult
persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. _House-maid_,
a
youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously
disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it
has
pleased God to place her.
HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods.
HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace.
Twaddle had a hovel,
Twiddle had a palace;
Twaddle said:
"I'll grovel
Or he'll think I bear him malice" --
A sentiment as novel
As a castor on a chalice.
Down upon the middle
Of his legs fell Twaddle
And astonished Mr. Twiddle,
Who began to lift his noddle.
Feed upon the fiddle-
Faddle flummery, unswaddle
A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself
a [mockery.]
G.J.
HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the
anthropoid poets.
HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar
austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel
with
his best wishes, cat-quick.
Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind
See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined
--
Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,
His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.
He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,
A graceful hog would bear his company.
Alexander Poke
HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common
but now
generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane
is
still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain
old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction
of
the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's
usefulness has outlasted it.
HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers.
HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care
of the
plate.
HYBRID, n. A pooled issue.
HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under
many
heads.
HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations
from its
habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead.
But the
medical student does that.
HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits.
Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot
Where long the village rubbish had been shot
Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps
--
"Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps.
Bogul S. Purvy
HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues that he does not
respect
secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.
I
I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language,
the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection.
In
grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number.
Its
plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself
is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of
this
incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult,
but
fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good
writer
from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying
to
cloak his loot.
ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place
of
blood.
Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,
Restrained the raging chief and said:
"Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled --
Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!"
Mary Doke
ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof
are
imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously
protest
that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but
pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols
in place of
those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the
iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need
them not;
and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress
the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it."
IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
in
human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The
Idiot's
activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action,
but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word
in
everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions
and
opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes
conduct with a dead-line.
IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with
seeds of
new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of
knowledge
familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know
nothing about.
Dumble was an ignoramus,
Mumble was for learning famous.
Mumble said one day to Dumble:
"Ignorance should be more humble.
Not a spark have you of knowledge
That was got in any college."
Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly
You're self-satisfied unduly.
Of things in college I'm denied
A knowledge -- you of all beside."
Borelli
ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part
of the
sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights --
_cunctationes illuminati_.
ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice,
envy and
detraction.
IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar
in joint
ownership.
IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire
affecting
censorious critics of this dictionary.
IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country
better
than another.
IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit,
coupled with
a feeble conception of worth in others.
There was once a man in Ispahan
Ever and ever so long
ago,
And he had a head, the phrenologists said,
That fitted him for
a show.
For his modesty's bump was so large a lump
(Nature, they said,
had taken a freak)
That its summit stood far above the wood
Of his hair, like a
mountain peak.
So modest a man in all Ispahan,
Over and over again
they swore --
So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;
None ever was found
before.
Meantime the hump of that awful bump
Into the heavens contrived
to get
To so great a height that they called the wight
The man with the minaret.
There wasn't a man in all Ispahan
Prouder, or louder in
praise of his chump:
With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung
He bragged of that beautiful
bump
Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page
Bearing a sack and a
bow-string too,
And that gentle child explained as he smiled:
"A little present for
you."
The saddest man in all Ispahan,
Sniffed at the gift,
yet accepted the same.
"If I'd lived," said he, "my humility
Had given me deathless
fame!"
Sukker Uffro
IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run
and with regard
to the greater number of instances men find to be generally
inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.
If man's
notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of
expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any
other
way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from,
and
nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy
is a
lie and reason a disorder of the mind.
IMMORTALITY, n.
A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for,
Dispute, contend and lie for,
And if allowed
Would be right proud
Eternally to die for.
G.J.
IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which
remains
fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple
is,
properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into
the
body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was
a common
mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and
is
still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down
to the
beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in
"churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it
the "stoole
of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known
as
"riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us
that in
Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment
for
crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes
awarded
for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of
sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement
it must
be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious
dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless
he
would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself
in
the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal
advantage
from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either
of two
conflicting opinions.
IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of
time between
sin and punishment.
IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the
laying on
of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but
performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.
"Lo! by the laying on of hands,"
Say parson, priest and
dervise,
"We consecrate your cash and lands
To ecclesiastical service.
No doubt you'll swear till all is blue
At such an imposition. Do."
Pollo Doncas
IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors.
IMPROBABILITY, n.
His tale he told with a solemn face
And a tender, melancholy grace.
Improbable 'twas, no
doubt,
When you came to think
it out,
But the fascinated crowd
Their deep surprise
avowed
And all with a single voice averred
'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard --
All save one who spake never a word,
But sat as mum
As if deaf and dumb,
Serene, indifferent and unstirred.
Then all the others
turned to him
And scrutinized him
limb from limb --
Scanned him alive;
But he seemed to thrive
And tranquiler grow
each minute,
As if there were nothing
in it.
"What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed
At what our friend has told?" He raised
Soberly then his eyes and gazed
In a natural way
And proceeded to say,
As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:
"O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself."
IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the
revenues
of to-morrow.
IMPUNITY, n. Wealth.
INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered.
Said of certain
kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be
entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of
proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is
inadmissible
because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court
for
examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political,
commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay
evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any
other basis
than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that
the
Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men
long
dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not
known
to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence
as they
now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has
in its
support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot
be
proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there
was
such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.
But as records of courts of justice are admissible,
it can easily
be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and
were
a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
upon which
certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without
a
flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
on it
were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
was
ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery
for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
human
testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices
being
unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking
any
important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state
prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite
and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing
the
flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_.
Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided
that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage"
or
"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the
Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities
were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."
A Roman slave appeared one day
Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray,
If --" here the Augur, smiling, made
A checking gesture and displayed
His open palm, which plainly itched,
For visibly its surface twitched.
A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel)
Successfully allayed the tickle,
And then the slave proceeded: "Please
Inform me whether Fate decrees
Success or failure in what I
To-night (if it be dark) shall try.
Its nature? Never mind -- I think
'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink
Which darkened half the earth, he drew
Another denarius to view,
Its shining face attentive scanned,
Then slipped it into the good man's hand,
Who with great gravity said: "Wait
While I retire to question Fate."
That holy person then withdrew
His scared clay and, passing through
The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!"
Waving his robe of office. Straight
Each sacred peacock and its mate
(Maintained for Juno's favor) fled
With clamor from the trees o'erhead,
Where they were perching for the night.
The temple's roof received their flight,
For thither they would always go,
When danger threatened them below.
Back to the slave the Augur went:
"My son, forecasting the event
By flight of birds, I must confess
The auspices deny success."
That slave retired, a sadder man,
Abandoning his secret plan --
Which was (as well the craft seer
Had from the first divined) to clear
The wall and fraudulently seize
On Juno's poultry in the trees.
G.J.
INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of
respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial,
arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in
the
play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property
(in
whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-
stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's
own
subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place,
and
all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are
but
to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly
to be
rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end;
and
their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither
the
lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor
he who
bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a
king,
being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of
daily
accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim
and
rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy."
INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes,
particularly
the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist
of a
meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even
been
known to wear a moustache.
INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists.
Two
things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough
for
one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry
and
God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is
only
incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as
"Go heel
yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are
incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation
and in
stately courtesy are altogether superior.
INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who,
though
probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best
nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_,
including
_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus
(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would
be
out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public
schools.
Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands
Satan himself --
tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless
--
sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and
alarm
of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows,
generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish
priest to
learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder
from
their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brown
for horns;
but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of
the
test.
INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas,"
saith Sir
Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers
way to
do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way,
it
followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so
many
chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear
and satisfactory exposition on the matter.
"Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera
Grant on a certain
occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but
five
minutes to make up your mind in."
"Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate,
"it is a great
thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When
in doubt
whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss
us a
copper."
"Do you mean to say that's what you did this
time?"
"Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand
me: I
disobeyed the coin."
INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among
things.
"You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife,
"You've grown indifferent to all in life."
"Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile;
"I would be, dear, but it is not worth while."
Apuleius M. Gokul
INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends
frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for
the
salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western
wild put
it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty
well, no
pray; big bellyache, heap God."
INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.
INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests.
INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth,
"Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty
soon
afterward.
INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices
for
propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for
the
pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual
needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a
sailor
might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising
materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit
of
Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an
audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically
recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity,
giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events
down
to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly
at the
point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled
the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is
a fine
mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back
further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the
court
of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption
in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment
of the
matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow.
INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the
Christian
religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.)
A kind of
scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to,
divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs,
voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns,
missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests,
muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders,
primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries,
clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors,
preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs,
bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans,
deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons,
hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins,
postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons,
reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains,
mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas,
sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals,
prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs
and
pumpums.
INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange
for a
substantial _quid_.
INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need
not have
sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the
Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was
decreed
from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called
Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity
of their views about Adam.
Two theologues once, as they wended their way
To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray --
An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,
Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.
"'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the
Lord
Decreed he should fall of his own accord."
"Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained,
"Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained."
So fierce and so fiery grew the debate
That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could
sate;
So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground
And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.
Ere either had proved his theology right
By winning, or even beginning, the fight,
A gray old professor of Latin came by,
A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,
And learning the cause of their quarrel (for
still
As they clumsily sparred they disputed with
skill
Of foreordination freedom of will)
Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare
compose:
Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows.
The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear
Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.
_You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! --
Should only contend that Adam slipped down;
While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! --
Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.
It's all the same whether up or down
You slip on a peel of banana brown.
Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,
But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!
G.J.
INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is
otherwise
an object of charity.
"All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic.
"Nay,"
The good philanthropist
replied;
"I did great service to a man one day
Who never since has cursed me to repay,
Nor vilified."
"Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight
--
With veneration I am
overcome,
And fain would have his blessing." "Sad
your fate --
He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state
This man is dumb."
Ariel Selp
INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.
INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon
others
and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon
the
back.
INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic
and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and
contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake
them; to
blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and
acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of
an
edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal
quality of the material. There are men called journalists
who have
established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into,
others
to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who
has paid
to get in pays twice as much to get out.
INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is
to say,
ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted
to
us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable
faiths
of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible
to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given
it
"a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief
in
one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's
country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance
of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's
diseases.
IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.
Many eminent
investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute
observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that
the
mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our
important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis
holds
that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which
forms
the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points
confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls.
Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by
believing both.
INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing.
Inscriptions are
of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the
fame
of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record
of
his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs
the
name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument.
Following
are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See
EPITAPH.)
"In the sky my soul is found,
And my body in the ground.
By and by my body'll rise
To my spirit in the skies,
Soaring up to Heaven's gate.
1878."
"Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree.
Cut down May 9th, 1862,
aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous."
"Affliction sore long
time she boar,
Phisicians was in vain,
Till Deth released the
dear deceased
And left her a remain.
Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss."
"The clay that rests beneath this stone
As Silas Wood was widely known.
Now, lying here, I ask what good
It was to let me be S. Wood.
O Man, let not ambition trouble you,
Is the advice of Silas W."
"Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth
Jan. 20, 1807, and had
the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874."
INSECTIVORA, n.
"See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers,
"How Providence provides for all His creatures!"
"His care," the gnat said, "even the insects
follows:
For us He has provided wrens and swallows."
Sempen Railey
INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which
the player
is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating
the man who keeps the table.
INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is
a fine house -- pray let me
insure it.
HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please
make the annual premium so
low that by the time
when, according to the tables of your
actuary, it will probably
be destroyed by fire I will have
paid you considerably
less than the face of the policy.
INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no -- we could
not afford to do that.
We must fix the premium
so that you will have paid more.
HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can _I_ afford
_that_?
INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn
down at any time.
There was Smith's house,
for example, which --
HOUSE OWNER: Spare me -- there were Brown's
house, on the
contrary, and Jones's
house, and Robinson's house, which --
INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_!
HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other.
You want me to pay
you money on the supposition
that something will occur
previously to the time
set by yourself for its occurrence. In
other words, you expect
me to bet that my house will not last
so long as you say that
it will probably last.
INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns
without insurance it
will be a total loss.
HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon -- by your
own actuary's tables I
shall probably have
saved, when it burns, all the premiums I
would otherwise have
paid to you -- amounting to more than the
face of the policy they
would have bought. But suppose it to
burn, uninsured, before
the time upon which your figures are
based. If I could
not afford that, how could you if it were
insured?
INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves
whole from our
luckier ventures with
other clients. Virtually, they pay your
loss.
HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't
I help to pay their
losses? Are not
their houses as likely as mine to burn before
they have paid you as
much as you must pay them? The case
stands this way:
you expect to take more money from your
clients than you pay
to them, do you not?
INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did
not --
HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with
my money. Very well
then. If it is
_certain_, with reference to the whole body of
your clients, that they
lose money on you it is _probable_,
with reference to any
one of them, that _he_ will. It is
these individual probabilities
that make the aggregate
certainty.
INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it --
but look at the figures in
this pamph --
HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid!
INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the
premiums which you would
otherwise pay to me.
Will you not be more likely to squander
them? We offer
you an incentive to thrift.
HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take
care of B's money is
not peculiar to insurance,
but as a charitable institution you
command esteem.
Deign to accept its expression from a
Deserving Object.
INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's
failure
to substitute misrule for bad government.
INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set
of
influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence,
immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.
INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different
languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been
to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country
is
governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The
experiment
of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most
unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it
warm
again.
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially
drawn for
their mutual destruction.
Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue
And one in white, together drew
And having each a pleasant sense
Of t'other powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears of sentiment expressed
Their feelings. Then they effervesced!
So Nature executes her feats
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who don't apply,
That you are you and I am I.
INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil
for the
gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.
The
introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century,
being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every
American being the equal of every other American, it follows that
everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the
right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration
of
Independence should have read thus:
"We hold these truths
to be self-evident: that all men are
created equal; that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain
inalienable rights; that among these are life,
and the right to
make that of another miserable by thrusting
upon him an
incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty,
particularly the
liberty to introduce persons to one another
without first
ascertaining if they are not already acquainted
as enemies; and
the pursuit of another's happiness with a running
pack of
strangers."
INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement
of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the
world.
ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman.
J
J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel
--
than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form,
which has
been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog,
and
it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb,
_jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the
dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the
letter, as
expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University
of
Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work
of
three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that
the
j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl.
JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of
that which
can be lost only if not worth keeping.
JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household,
whose
business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and
utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume.
The
king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some
centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were
sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court
but of
all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the
poets and
romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly
wise
and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy
ghost of the
court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the
same
jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the
patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.
The widow-queen of Portugal
Had an audacious jester
Who entered the confessional
Disguised, and there
confessed her.
"Father," she said, "thine ear bend down --
My sins are more than
scarlet:
I love my fool -- blaspheming clown,
And common, base-born
varlet."
"Daughter," the mimic priest replied,
"That sin, indeed, is
awful:
The church's pardon is denied
To love that is unlawful.
"But since thy stubborn heart will be
For him forever pleading,
Thou'dst better make him, by decree,
A man of birth and breeding."
She made the fool a duke, in hope
With Heaven's taboo
to palter;
Then told a priest, who told the Pope,
Who damned her from
the altar!
Barel Dort
JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding
it fast with
the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.
JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their
pagan
tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.
JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated
condition
the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance,
taxes
and personal service.
K
K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced
away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation
inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was
called
_Klatch_, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter
was
originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker
explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate
the
destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_
730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns
of its
portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the
other
remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed
to
have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the
great
antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural -- not
to say
touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national
memory.
It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional
mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction
one
of nature's pums. As each theory seems probable enough, I
see no
objection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself
on
that side of the question.
KEEP, v.t.
He willed away his whole estate,
And then in death he
fell asleep,
Murmuring: "Well, at any rate,
My name unblemished
I shall keep."
But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought
Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught.
Durang Gophel Arn
KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America
and
Americans in Scotland.
KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned
head,"
although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak
of.
A king, in times long, long gone by,
Said to his lazy jester:
"If I were you and you were I
My moments merrily would fly --
Nor care nor grief to
pester."
"The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,"
The fool said -- "if
you'll hear it --
Is that of all the fools alive
Who own you for their sovereign, I've
The most forgiving spirit."
Oogum Bem
KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch
of the
sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus
'the
most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the
ailing subjects and make them whole --
a crowd of wretched souls
That stay his cure: their malady convinces
The great essay of art; but at his touch,
Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,
They presently amend,
as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This useful property
of the
royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown
properties; for according to "Malcolm,"
'tis spoken
To the succeeding royalty he leaves
The healing benediction.
But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line
of succession: the
later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and
the
disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the
humbler
one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow. The date and author
of the
following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary,
but
it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national
disorder is not a thing of yesterday.
Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,
Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.
He layde his hand on mine and sayd:
"Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd.
But O ye wofull plyght in wh.
I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche!
The superstition that maladies can be cured
by royal taction is
dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument
of
custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming
a line and
shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that
great
dignitary bestows his healing salutation on
strangely visited people,
All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,
The mere despair of surgery,
he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which
once
was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes
of
men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which
brings
the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms."
KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss."
It is
supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony
appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its
performance is unknown to this lexicographer.
KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief.
KNIGHT, n.
Once a warrior gentle of birth,
Then a person of civic worth,
Now a fellow to move our mirth.
Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more:
We must knight our dogs to get any lower.
Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,
Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,
Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,
Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy.
God speed the day when this knighting fad
Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.