H   HABEAS CORPUS.  A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime. HABIT, n.  A shackle for the free. HADES, n.  The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live.     Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in a very comfortable kind of way.  Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it.  At the next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement:  "Gentlemen, somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"  Years afterward the good prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. HAG, n.  An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat.  Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair.  At one time hag was not a word of reproach:  Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench."  It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is reserved for the use of her grandchildren. HALF, n.  One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or considered as divided.  In the fourteenth century a heated discussion arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the negative.  Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a viper. HALO, n.  Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints.  The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, or the Pope's tiara.  In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. HAND, n.  A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. HANDKERCHIEF, n.  A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears.  The handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties to the sleeve.  Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of "Othello" is an anachronism:  Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. HANGMAN, n.  An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry.  In some of the American States his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen. HAPPINESS, n.  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. HARANGUE, n.  A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- outang. HARBOR, n.  A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed to the fury of the customs. HARMONISTS, n.  A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. HASH, x.  There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what hash is. HATCHET, n.  A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.     "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,     For peace is a blessing," the White Man said.         The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred,     With imposing rites, in the White Man's head.                                                            John Lukkus HATRED, n.  A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. HEAD-MONEY, n.  A capitation tax, or poll-tax.     In ancient times there lived a king     Whose tax-collectors could not wring     From all his subjects gold enough     To make the royal way less rough.     For pleasure's highway, like the dames     Whose premises adjoin it, claims     Perpetual repairing.  So     The tax-collectors in a row     Appeared before the throne to pray     Their master to devise some way     To swell the revenue.  "So great,"     Said they, "are the demands of state     A tithe of all that we collect     Will scarcely meet them.  Pray reflect:     How, if one-tenth we must resign,     Can we exist on t'other nine?"     The monarch asked them in reply:     "Has it occurred to you to try     The advantage of economy?"     "It has," the spokesman said:  "we sold     All of our gray garrotes of gold;     With plated-ware we now compress     The necks of those whom we assess.     Plain iron forceps we employ     To mitigate the miser's joy     Who hoards, with greed that never tires,     That which your Majesty requires."     Deep lines of thought were seen to plow     Their way across the royal brow.     "Your state is desperate, no question;     Pray favor me with a suggestion."     "O King of Men," the spokesman said,     "If you'll impose upon each head     A tax, the augmented revenue     We'll cheerfully divide with you."     As flashes of the sun illume     The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom,     The king smiled grimly.  "I decree     That it be so -- and, not to be     In generosity outdone,     Declare you, each and every one,     Exempted from the operation     Of this new law of capitation.     But lest the people censure me     Because they're bound and you are free,     'Twere well some clever scheme were laid     By you this poll-tax to evade.     I'll leave you now while you confer     With my most trusted minister."     The monarch from the throne-room walked     And straightway in among them stalked     A silent man, with brow concealed,     Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed!                                                                   G.J. HEARSE, n.  Death's baby-carriage. HEART, n.  An automatic, muscular blood-pump.  Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief.  It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid.  The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity.  (See, also, my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.)  In a scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_. HEAT, n.     Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode         Of motion, but I know now how he's proving     His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed         With skill will set the human fist a-moving,     And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.     _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.                                                           Gorton Swope HEATHEN, n.  A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.  According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.     "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison.  He's         A Christian philosopher.  I'm     A scurril agnostical chap, if you please,         Addicted too much to the crime         Of religious discussion in my rhyme.     Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree         On a _modus vivendi_ -- not they! --     Yet Heaven has had the designing of me,         And I haven't been reared in a way         To joy in the thick of the fray.     For this of my creed is the soul and the gist,         And the truth of it I aver:     Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist,         And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er --         And I'm down upon him or her!     Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin         Toleration -- that's all very well,     But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin,         And he's running -- I know by the smell --         A secret and personal Hell!                                                            Bissell Gip HEAVEN, n.  A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. HEBREW, n.  A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation. HELPMATE, n.  A wife, or bitter half.     "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?"         Says the priest.  "Since the time 'o yer wooin'     She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at --         For it's naught ye are ever doin'."     "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies,         And no sign of contrition envices;     "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies,         For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!"                                                          Marley Wottel HEMP, n.  A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. HERMIT, n.  A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. HERS, pron.  His. HIBERNATE, v.i.  To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals.  Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws.  It is admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow.  Three or four centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their brooks, clinging together in globular masses.  They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness of the brooks.  Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation of people who hibernate.  By some investigators, the fasting of Lent is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. HIPPOGRIFF, n.  An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.  The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full of surprises. HISTORIAN, n.  A broad-gauge gossip. HISTORY, n.  An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.     Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown     'Tis nine-tenths lying.  Faith, I wish 'twere known,     Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,     Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.                                                            Salder Bupp HOG, n.  A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours.  Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy and the melody of its voice.  It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once.  The scientific name of this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_.  Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance. HOMOEOPATHIST, n.  The humorist of the medical profession. HOMOEOPATHY, n.  A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science.  To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not. HOMICIDE, n.  The slaying of one human being by another.  There are four kinds of homocide:  felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers. HOMILETICS, n.  The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.     So skilled the parson was in homiletics     That all his normal purges and emetics     To medicine the spirit were compounded     With a most just discrimination founded     Upon a rigorous examination     Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.     Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,     His scriptural specifics this physician     Administered -- his pills so efficacious     And pukes of disposition so vivacious     That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam     Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em.     But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered     Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered     That in the case of patients having money     The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.                                           _Biography of Bishop Potter_ HONORABLE, adj.  Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." HOPE, n.  Desire and expectation rolled into one.     Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left --     Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft;     When even his dog deserts him, and his goat     With tranquil disaffection chews his coat     While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,     The star far-flaming on thine angel brow,     Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint     The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.                                                        Fogarty Weffing HOSPITALITY, n.  The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging. HOSTILITY, n.  A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation.  Hostility is classified as active and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. HOURI, n.  A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul.  By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem. HOUSE, n.  A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. _House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. _House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. _House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor.  _House-maid_, a youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has pleased God to place her. HOUSELESS, adj.  Having paid all taxes on household goods. HOVEL, n.  The fruit of a flower called the Palace.         Twaddle had a hovel,             Twiddle had a palace;         Twaddle said:  "I'll grovel             Or he'll think I bear him malice" --     A sentiment as novel         As a castor on a chalice.         Down upon the middle             Of his legs fell Twaddle         And astonished Mr. Twiddle,             Who began to lift his noddle.         Feed upon the fiddle-             Faddle flummery, unswaddle     A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.]                                                                   G.J. HUMANITY, n.  The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets. HUMORIST, n.  A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.     Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind     See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined --     Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,     His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.     He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,     A graceful hog would bear his company.                                                         Alexander Poke HURRICANE, n.  An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone.  The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains.  It is also used in the construction of the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted it. HURRY, n.  The dispatch of bunglers. HUSBAND, n.  One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. HYBRID, n.  A pooled issue. HYDRA, n.  A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads. HYENA, n.  A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead.  But the medical student does that. HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.  Depression of one's own spirits.     Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot     Where long the village rubbish had been shot     Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps --     "Hypochondriasis."  It meant The Dumps.                                                         Bogul S. Purvy HYPOCRITE, n.  One who, profession virtues that he does not respect secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.                                     I   I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection.  In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number.  Its plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary.  Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but fine.  The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot. ICHOR, n.  A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.     Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,     Restrained the raging chief and said:     "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled --     Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!"                                                              Mary Doke ICONOCLAST, n.  A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up.  For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth.  But the iconoclast saith:  "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." IDIOT, n.  A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.  The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole."  He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable.  He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line. IDLENESS, n.  A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. IGNORAMUS, n.  A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.     Dumble was an ignoramus,     Mumble was for learning famous.     Mumble said one day to Dumble:     "Ignorance should be more humble.     Not a spark have you of knowledge     That was got in any college."     Dumble said to Mumble:  "Truly     You're self-satisfied unduly.     Of things in college I'm denied     A knowledge -- you of all beside."                                                                Borelli ILLUMINATI, n.  A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -- _cunctationes illuminati_. ILLUSTRIOUS, adj.  Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction. IMAGINATION, n.  A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership. IMBECILITY, n.  A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary. IMMIGRANT, n.  An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. IMMODEST, adj.  Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others.     There was once a man in Ispahan         Ever and ever so long ago,     And he had a head, the phrenologists said,         That fitted him for a show.     For his modesty's bump was so large a lump         (Nature, they said, had taken a freak)     That its summit stood far above the wood         Of his hair, like a mountain peak.     So modest a man in all Ispahan,         Over and over again they swore --     So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;         None ever was found before.     Meantime the hump of that awful bump         Into the heavens contrived to get     To so great a height that they called the wight         The man with the minaret.     There wasn't a man in all Ispahan         Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:     With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung         He bragged of that beautiful bump     Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page         Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,     And that gentle child explained as he smiled:         "A little present for you."     The saddest man in all Ispahan,         Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.     "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility         Had given me deathless fame!"                                                           Sukker Uffro IMMORAL, adj.  Inexpedient.  Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.  If man's notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind. IMMORTALITY, n.     A toy which people cry for,     And on their knees apply for,     Dispute, contend and lie for,         And if allowed         Would be right proud     Eternally to die for.                                                                   G.J. IMPALE, v.t.  In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound.  This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position.  This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia.  Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in "churching" heretics and schismatics.  Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as "riding the one legged horse."  Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege.  To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. IMPARTIAL, adj.  Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. IMPENITENCE, n.  A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment. IMPIETY, n.  Your irreverence toward my deity. IMPOSITION, n.  The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.     "Lo! by the laying on of hands,"         Say parson, priest and dervise,     "We consecrate your cash and lands         To ecclesiastical service.     No doubt you'll swear till all is blue     At such an imposition.  Do."                                                           Pollo Doncas IMPOSTOR n.  A rival aspirant to public honors. IMPROBABILITY, n.     His tale he told with a solemn face     And a tender, melancholy grace.         Improbable 'twas, no doubt,         When you came to think it out,         But the fascinated crowd         Their deep surprise avowed     And all with a single voice averred     'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard --     All save one who spake never a word,         But sat as mum         As if deaf and dumb,     Serene, indifferent and unstirred.         Then all the others turned to him         And scrutinized him limb from limb --         Scanned him alive;         But he seemed to thrive         And tranquiler grow each minute,         As if there were nothing in it.     "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed     At what our friend has told?"  He raised     Soberly then his eyes and gazed         In a natural way         And proceeded to say,     As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:     "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself." IMPROVIDENCE, n.  Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow. IMPUNITY, n.  Wealth. INADMISSIBLE, adj.  Not competent to be considered.  Said of certain kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone.  Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence.  There is no religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.  Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known to have been sworn in any sense.  Under the rules of evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law.  It cannot be proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.     But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv.  In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable.  Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_. Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or "management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."     A Roman slave appeared one day     Before the Augur.  "Tell me, pray,     If --" here the Augur, smiling, made     A checking gesture and displayed     His open palm, which plainly itched,     For visibly its surface twitched.     A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel)     Successfully allayed the tickle,     And then the slave proceeded:  "Please     Inform me whether Fate decrees     Success or failure in what I     To-night (if it be dark) shall try.     Its nature?  Never mind -- I think     'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink     Which darkened half the earth, he drew     Another denarius to view,     Its shining face attentive scanned,     Then slipped it into the good man's hand,     Who with great gravity said:  "Wait     While I retire to question Fate."     That holy person then withdrew     His scared clay and, passing through     The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!"     Waving his robe of office.  Straight     Each sacred peacock and its mate     (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled     With clamor from the trees o'erhead,     Where they were perching for the night.     The temple's roof received their flight,     For thither they would always go,     When danger threatened them below.     Back to the slave the Augur went:     "My son, forecasting the event     By flight of birds, I must confess     The auspices deny success."     That slave retired, a sadder man,     Abandoning his secret plan --     Which was (as well the craft seer     Had from the first divined) to clear     The wall and fraudulently seize     On Juno's poultry in the trees.                                                                   G.J. INCOME, n.  The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant- stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money.  Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." INCOMPATIBILITY, n.  In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.  Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner.  It has even been known to wear a moustache. INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj.  Unable to exist if something else exists.  Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man.  Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibility let loose.  Instead of such low language as "Go heel yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and in stately courtesy are altogether superior. INCUBUS, n.  One of a race of highly improper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best nights.  For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including _incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus (Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools.     Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself -- tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless -- sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally speaking.  A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands.  The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns; but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the test. INCUMBENT, n.  A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. INDECISION, n.  The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear and satisfactory exposition on the matter.     "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind in."     "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency.  When in doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a copper."     "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?"     "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me:  I disobeyed the coin." INDIFFERENT, adj.  Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.     "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife,     "You've grown indifferent to all in life."     "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile;     "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while."                                                      Apuleius M. Gokul INDIGESTION, n.  A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind.  As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force:  "Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God." INDISCRETION, n.  The guilt of woman. INEXPEDIENT, adj.  Not calculated to advance one's interests. INFANCY, n.  The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. INFERIAE,n.  [Latin]  Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials.  It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down to the reign of Saint Louis.  The narrative ended abruptly at the point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades.  There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow. INFIDEL, n.  In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.  (See GIAOUR.)  A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums. INFLUENCE, n.  In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a substantial _quid_. INFALAPSARIAN, n.  One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning.  Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam.     Two theologues once, as they wended their way     To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray --     An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,     Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.     "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord     Decreed he should fall of his own accord."     "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained,     "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained."     So fierce and so fiery grew the debate     That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;     So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground     And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.     Ere either had proved his theology right     By winning, or even beginning, the fight,     A gray old professor of Latin came by,     A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,     And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still     As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill     Of foreordination freedom of will)     Cried:  "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:     Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows.     The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear     Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.     _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! --     Should only contend that Adam slipped down;     While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! --     Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.     It's all the same whether up or down     You slip on a peel of banana brown.     Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,     But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!                                                                   G.J. INGRATE, n.  One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.     "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic.  "Nay,"         The good philanthropist replied;     "I did great service to a man one day     Who never since has cursed me to repay,                 Nor vilified."     "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight --         With veneration I am overcome,     And fain would have his blessing."  "Sad your fate --     He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state                 This man is dumb."                                                             Ariel Selp INJURY, n.  An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. INJUSTICE, n.  A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back. INK, n.  A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.  The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory:  it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material.  There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of.  Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out. INNATE, adj.  Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us.  The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it "a black eye."  Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases. IN'ARDS, n.  The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.  Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our important part.  To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both. INSCRIPTION, n.  Something written on another thing.  Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his services and virtues.  To this class of inscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument.  Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones:  (See EPITAPH.)     "In the sky my soul is found,     And my body in the ground.     By and by my body'll rise     To my spirit in the skies,     Soaring up to Heaven's gate.             1878."     "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree.  Cut down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds.  Indigenous."         "Affliction sore long time she boar,             Phisicians was in vain,         Till Deth released the dear deceased             And left her a remain.     Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss."     "The clay that rests beneath this stone     As Silas Wood was widely known.     Now, lying here, I ask what good     It was to let me be S. Wood.     O Man, let not ambition trouble you,     Is the advice of Silas W."     "Richard Haymon, of Heaven.  Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." INSECTIVORA, n.     "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers,     "How Providence provides for all His creatures!"     "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows:     For us He has provided wrens and swallows."                                                          Sempen Railey INSURANCE, n.  An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.     INSURANCE AGENT:  My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me         insure it.     HOUSE OWNER:  With pleasure.  Please make the annual premium so         low that by the time when, according to the tables of your         actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have         paid you considerably less than the face of the policy.     INSURANCE AGENT:  O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that.         We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more.     HOUSE OWNER:  How, then, can _I_ afford _that_?     INSURANCE AGENT:  Why, your house may burn down at any time.         There was Smith's house, for example, which --     HOUSE OWNER:  Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the         contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which --     INSURANCE AGENT:  Spare _me_!     HOUSE OWNER:  Let us understand each other.  You want me to pay         you money on the supposition that something will occur         previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence.  In         other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last         so long as you say that it will probably last.     INSURANCE AGENT:  But if your house burns without insurance it         will be a total loss.     HOUSE OWNER:  Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I         shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I         would otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than the         face of the policy they would have bought.  But suppose it to         burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are         based.  If I could not afford that, how could you if it were         insured?     INSURANCE AGENT:  O, we should make ourselves whole from our         luckier ventures with other clients.  Virtually, they pay your         loss.     HOUSE OWNER:  And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their         losses?  Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before         they have paid you as much as you must pay them?  The case         stands this way:  you expect to take more money from your         clients than you pay to them, do you not?     INSURANCE AGENT:  Certainly; if we did not --     HOUSE OWNER:  I would not trust you with my money.  Very well         then.  If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body of         your clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_,         with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will.  It is         these individual probabilities that make the aggregate         certainty.     INSURANCE AGENT:  I will not deny it -- but look at the figures in         this pamph --     HOUSE OWNER:  Heaven forbid!     INSURANCE AGENT:  You spoke of saving the premiums which you would         otherwise pay to me.  Will you not be more likely to squander         them?  We offer you an incentive to thrift.     HOUSE OWNER:  The willingness of A to take care of B's money is         not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you         command esteem.  Deign to accept its expression from a         Deserving Object. INSURRECTION, n.  An unsuccessful revolution.  Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government. INTENTION, n.  The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. INTERPRETER, n.  One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. INTERREGNUM, n.  The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne.  The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again. INTIMACY, n.  A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.     Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue     And one in white, together drew     And having each a pleasant sense     Of t'other powder's excellence,     Forsook their jackets for the snug     Enjoyment of a common mug.     So close their intimacy grew     One paper would have held the two.     To confidences straight they fell,     Less anxious each to hear than tell;     Then each remorsefully confessed     To all the virtues he possessed,     Acknowledging he had them in     So high degree it was a sin.     The more they said, the more they felt     Their spirits with emotion melt,     Till tears of sentiment expressed     Their feelings.  Then they effervesced!     So Nature executes her feats     Of wrath on friends and sympathetes     The good old rule who don't apply,     That you are you and I am I. INTRODUCTION, n.  A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.  The introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, being, indeed, closely related to our political system.  Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or permission.  The Declaration of Independence should have read thus:         "We hold these truths to be self-evident:  that all men are     created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain     inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to     make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an     incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the     liberty to introduce persons to one another without first     ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and     the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of     strangers." INVENTOR, n.  A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. IRRELIGION, n.  The principal one of the great faiths of the world. ITCH, n.  The patriotism of a Scotchman.                                     J   J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel -- than which nothing could be more absurd.  Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, _jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes that shape.  This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. JEALOUS, adj.  Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. JESTER, n.  An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume.  The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind.  The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise and witty person.  In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.     The widow-queen of Portugal         Had an audacious jester     Who entered the confessional         Disguised, and there confessed her.     "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down --         My sins are more than scarlet:     I love my fool -- blaspheming clown,         And common, base-born varlet."     "Daughter," the mimic priest replied,         "That sin, indeed, is awful:     The church's pardon is denied         To love that is unlawful.     "But since thy stubborn heart will be         For him forever pleading,     Thou'dst better make him, by decree,         A man of birth and breeding."     She made the fool a duke, in hope         With Heaven's taboo to palter;     Then told a priest, who told the Pope,         Who damned her from the altar!                                                             Barel Dort JEWS-HARP, n.  An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. JOSS-STICKS, n.  Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. JUSTICE, n.  A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.                                     K     K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero.  In their tongue it was called _Klatch_, which means "destroyed."  The form of the letter was originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_ 730 B.C.  This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact.  As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural -- not to say touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one of nature's pums.  As each theory seems probable enough, I see no objection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on that side of the question. KEEP, v.t.     He willed away his whole estate,         And then in death he fell asleep,     Murmuring:  "Well, at any rate,         My name unblemished I shall keep."     But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought     Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught.                                                      Durang Gophel Arn KILL, v.t.  To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. KILT, n.  A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland. KINDNESS, n.  A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. KING, n.  A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.     A king, in times long, long gone by,         Said to his lazy jester:     "If I were you and you were I     My moments merrily would fly --         Nor care nor grief to pester."     "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,"         The fool said -- "if you'll hear it --     Is that of all the fools alive     Who own you for their sovereign, I've         The most forgiving spirit."                                                              Oogum Bem KING'S EVIL, n.  A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians.  Thus 'the most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the ailing subjects and make them whole --                     a crowd of wretched souls     That stay his cure:  their malady convinces     The great essay of art; but at his touch,     Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,     They presently amend, as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it.  This useful property of the royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; for according to "Malcolm,"                             'tis spoken     To the succeeding royalty he leaves     The healing benediction.     But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession:  the later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow.  The date and author of the following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national disorder is not a thing of yesterday.     Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,     Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.     He layde his hand on mine and sayd:     "Be gone!"  Ye ill no longer stayd.     But O ye wofull plyght in wh.     I'm now y-pight:  I have ye itche!     The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green.  The practice of forming a line and shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on                         strangely visited people,     All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,     The mere despair of surgery, he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men.  It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which brings the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms." KISS, n.  A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss."  It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer. KLEPTOMANIAC, n.  A rich thief. KNIGHT, n.     Once a warrior gentle of birth,     Then a person of civic worth,     Now a fellow to move our mirth.     Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more:     We must knight our dogs to get any lower.     Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,     Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,     Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,     Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy.     God speed the day when this knighting fad     Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.