Alone

By Shane Stoeckel

I was reliving this moment as the cars finally came
into view. I stopped in my tacks. My parent's mazda was in a 
crumpled heap. A ute had run a give way sign and smashed into 
the side of them. The cars were a wrech. I started screaming. It 
was an animal like howl coming from deep with in me. I ran the 
rest of the distance to bring me to the cars. As I got nearer I 
noticed people were coming sleepily from out of their houses. 
Still, like me, dressed in either pyjamas or dressing gowns. Dew 
convered the nearby lawns and I could see mist coming from my 
mouth every deep breath I let out. I screamed out to nobody in 
particular to call for an ambulance. Somebody responded, I'm not 
sure who or what they said, but they all heard me. The other 
thing I noticed as I drew closer to the cars was a deep colour 
that could of been a deep red or black. Was it blood or oil? I 
wondered to myself. I was in a panic now, the cars were entwined 
like a sickening sculpture. They appeared as one. I pushed the 
puddle from my mind, but shuddered as to what it might have 
been. I finally got to them, and drew opened the passenger doos. 
The smell of petrol was overpowering. The sight that I saw was 
worse. I gagges. Nobody could look like that and still be alive. 
I pulled back from the car sickened. A red haze convered my 
eyes. Tears and sweat dripped down my face. My eyes were
stinging both from the sight and the sweat. I closed them but I 
could not black out the horrid image that remained burned into my 
mind. I blinked a few times to clear my eyes and tried to calm 
myself. I knew first aid and I knew what to do in this 
situation. But no matter how much training you have had,nothing 
can prepare you for your first accident. Let alone it being your 
parents and brother. I heard a siren in the distance and hoped 
that it was the ambulance, at least somebody had heard me.

People were milling around me now, I didn't see 
them but I could hear them. Shicked gasps and murmurs escaped a 
few mouths. Somebody grabbed me and pulled me away from the 
wreckage, and as I shut my eyes I saw a few more people trying 
to get my parents and brother out of the car to help them. I 
think I passed out.

I opened my eyes some time later not knowing or
caring how much time had passed. the sound of sirens was closer 
now, and it was only then I realised the ambulance was here, and 
helping my family. I sat up and tried to go to them, but 
somebody held me back and spoke to me. I do not recall what they 
said, but i relented, and looked over to the cars. As I turned 
my head, the door to the ute opened, and a man goroggily stepped 
out. He was clearly shaken and having truoble walking. He 
stumbled out and tried to gain his balance. The accident must 
have shaken him up. He walked drunkenly towards us. This time 
there was no restraining me. The red haze came back over my 
eyes. I was angry now. This was the man who had hurt my parents. 
In an absolute rage I ran to him and threw myself at him, 
knocking him to the ground and started thumping him. I could not 
see a thing tears once again stung my eyes, but I hit and hit 
him. I felt rough hands grab at me and people telling me to clam 
down. I struggled to get myself free of their grasp, but they 
were too strong. SO I relented and their grip upon me eased, and 
as I felt it loosen, I ran at the man again. I was stopped well 
short of reaching him, but before I was stopped I saw him beaten 
and battered from both me and the accident. As I was pulled back 
I studied the face that I was to ahte for the rest of my life. 
It was etched into my memory just like the sight of my bloodied 
family was. The last thing I saw as I lapsed into 
unconsciousness was his bruised face.

I awoke with a gasp. The dream had continued to
plague my dreams ever since the accident. I was bathed in a cold 
sweat. I lay staring at the ceiling for a moment, waiting for my 
eyes to adjust to the darkness. My waking hours since the 
accident had been like a dream. My sleep was continually broken 
up by nightmares of the horrid morning that had changed my life. 
they had died that day. All three of them. Though it lasted 
longer for my brother, who was not declared dead until nine 
o'clock that evening. The accident put him into a coma from 
which he never awoke. I kept imagining the pain he was in. Even 
in his sleep it had to be awful. His poor little body was 
battered and mutilated. He did not at all resemble the boy I had 
grown up with and loved. I shuddered againat the 
memory.

They say that the impact had killed mum and dad instantly, 
so they did not suffer. Which i suppose was some small 
consolation. The Ute had run a give way sign and crashed into 
them at approximately 60 kilometres an hour. They say it was a 
miracle he lived and that Darren was able to live as long as he 
did. the driver was drunk. He had been coming home from a night 
out with his mates after their footy grand final. I didn't care. 
Drunk or soberhe had taken away from me the only thing in my 
life taht truly mattered. I wanted him dead. No. I wanted him to 
suffer. Suffer like I was, to be put thorugh the pain and 
anguish that was my life. I had thought about it as well. 
Killing him. It would have been esay, and in my eyes justified. 
But no matter the reason behind what I wanted I was no killer. I 
thought about paying somebody else to do it. Surely there was 
reason enough for me to warrant hiring somebody, and I had the 
money. However I did not want that playing on my conscience, so 
I quickly put such thoughts frm my head.

I got up from bed and tried to puch thoughts 
from my mind. I switched on the light and slowly walked through 
my empty house.
It was empty and dark. How I felt inside. I slowly walked 
thorugh the house looking at my fathers paintings, each one 
bringing back memories of what was gone from my life forever. It 
was too quiet now. Even for this time of night, there was no 
sound of soft breathing as I pass my parents old room. I shudder 
from both the cold and the memory that still haunts me. I get to 
the bathroom abd splash water in the mirror. Thinking once again 
how empty my life had become. I had thought about suicide. I 
wanted to join them, be with them wherever it was they were. But 
I could no more kill myself that I could kill the man that had 
caused me uch pain. I was so alone.

My family had tried to be supportive.Coming 
around all the time styaing with me and comforting me. I pushed 
them all away. Not intentionally. They just didn't understand, 
they did not know what I was going through. I guess I alienated 
them in the end, but I needed to be on my own, despite what they 
thought otherwise. SO in the end they had left. My friends had 
been no better, the one time I needed them more than my family, 
and they had not been there for me. None of them knew what to 
say to me anymore, or if to say anything. I guess I found out 
their true worth all too late. So i blocked them out of my life 
too. I was totally on my own.

I have wealth beyond my wildest dreams. there 
had been compensation, insurance and all this other money people 
had donated to me after hearing my story on the news. NO money 
was not a problem at all. What good is money though whne you 
have nobody to enjoy it with. I would have swapped it all for 
one more day with my family. To tell them all how much I loved 
and cared for them. To see darren smile one more time. To chat 
with mum just once more. To apologise to dad for all the 
needless fights. There was so much I wanted to say to them. But 
most of all I wanted to hug them all, just once more. But it 
would never be. They were gone, and there was nothing I could do 
about it.

I switched off the bathroom light and made my 
way slowly back to my bed. Thinking how precious life is. 
Thinking how quickly it can can allbe taken away, or disappear. 
I was wallowing in self pity, but I thought it totally warrented.
Depression and anguish had become a way of life for me. As I 
slowly walked to my room I thought all of this. WOndering why 
god had done this to me? WHy he had robbed me of everything? WHy 
had I been given all this money, but had my parents taken from 
me. What good was it whne they were gone. I wondered mostly 
about life and death. What they both mean. I pondered all of 
this. And all I could come up with was that life was 
meaningless. It was nothing more than the path we travel to 
death. What is life anyway?
Simply the prolonging of the inevitable...death.