Alcyon Lake is what Pitman is best known for. It was one of the world's most polluted lakes, seriously! My 8th grade Social Studies book had a picture of it in it and it was a national book. The state had to fund a ton of money and years of service to fix Pitman's stupid lake. They try to blame Glassboro for it getting polluted. What a joke! If I keep putting trash in your yard, you don't just ignore it. What kind of idiots can't keep a lake from getting polluted? Oh yeah, Grovers! Ok, so the lake was pretty disgusting, but why does that matter to you? Do you swim in it? Didn’t think so. Oh, can I borrow the newspaper with the headline reading "GLASSBORO POLLUTES PITMAN’S ALCYON LAKE"? I’d really like to read that. That’s pretty impressive that you remembered something from 8^th grade! Oh yeah, I forgot…you are from Glassboro, you were probably in 8^th grade for at least 3 years.

Pitman's Grove is full of low-life punks. The Grove is basically a part of world for the people in life who don't succeed and raise other future losers. I feel bad for the people living in this area that are actually attempting a future. People in Pitman walk around thinking they are hardcore and can't back up a word they say. Out of the nine thousand some residents there about fifteen should be left to live. The others will probably stay in the Pitman Grove of low-lifes and raise others to keep the gay tradition going. Actually, not everyone in the grove is as bad as you would think. Some of my friends live there, and if they were dirty, I sure as hell wouldn’t talk to them, especially considering the fact that my best friend’s dad practically owns the whole grove! Actually, I wouldn’t say they are going nowhere in life. I think Pitman has probably had more successful people come out of the high school in one year than Glassboro has had in 10 years…what were those SAT scores again?…

Though Pitman definitely is Earth's Gayest Town, my friends and I give it 12 eggs up (and out the window).

Seriously, if all else fails it's just fun to go egg the Pitman low-lifes and you got yourself a night. Yeah, I can tell you must have a really fun and exciting weekend planned…way to go!!

Below are all of the examples you will need to recognize how screwed up this town is. (ß This should be a colon cause you are introducing an oncoming list…I wish I were as smart and people in Glassboro!

Pitman has a blue colored school with a sign that says "Pitman" in black, but their school colors are black and orange. Yeah, you just let me know when people would actually be willing to go to a school that is orange and black on the outside…sure, I’ll meet ya there…or not…

Pitman gives their detentions before the school day starts. It’s called sports and other activities after school. We try and be on time to those things, ya know?

Pitman has their prom in their cheap high school instead of renting a hall like the rest of the world. I was just wondering if you realized how small Pitman is? Pretty small…sorry if our town isn’t the most profitable and rich in the world, but it’s a hell of a lot better that your school with your drug-dealing dropouts…

Pitman rents a hall for AFTER the prom, where they have to hang out until 4 o'clock in the morning if they go. Not really, you don’t HAVE to stay till 4am. They don’t chain you down and force you to. And why would you know all these details about our After-Prom party?

Pitman's students wear formal wear and sun visor golfing caps on sideways to their prom thinking that it is cool. Gee, have you heard of making your own statement. Damn, I should have had someone tell me when it became illegal to have your own style…

Pitman's prom king is the prom queen's date. Therefore the king doesn't have to go to the school or even be in highschool(high school is two words there buddy). And your point being? Ok, so it’s not totally traditional, but I didn’t think it was illegal or anything.

Pitman counts their fourteen minutes long homeroom, which isn't in the beginning (I think I learned to spell this word in 3^rd grade...and I was only there for one year!) of the day, as a period of class. One, we don’t even have a homeroom, we take roll throughout the day. I wasn’t aware you were there when we were in homeroom. Just another Glassboro student who skips school…typical…

Pitman makes two girl football teams play each other, with the guys as cheerleaders. They should make one team of girls play the varsity boys' team. Ok genius, this is called powder-puff. Have you ever heard of it? We didn’t make it up or anything, it’s been around for a while. Honestly, check the books!

Pitman hired a cheap non-union construction company to rennovate (spelling…) their schools. And that bothers you immensely because? Who cares…so we’re cheap…oh well, we are a small town.

Pitman classes of 1999 did not begin until September 13th due to the fact over 30 rooms were unfinished. Ok, I don’t even think our whole school has 30 rooms, but yeah, it was pretty slow. Are you saying that you wouldn’t want an extra week of school off? If so, then you must be on crack or something…yup, you ARE from Glassboro.

Pitman had people come out of jails to paint their schools for their community service instead of spending money on professionals. Ok, so I’m failing to see what’s wrong with that? Aren’t the people supposed to do community service? Where else are they gonna get it. And who cares anyway, the job got done. And hey, you are on a roll, cause even I didn’t know that, and I go to school there! Damn, you must really not have anything to do on the weekends but stalk out Pitman!

Pitman's Stupid Laws Pitman does not allow any sales of alcohol within the city. Yeah, maybe it would actually bother people if there were major needs for liquor stores in the town. Why care if we can just run over to your reject town and buy a dime and 40? Look at that, the weekend is all set…thanks to your generous town J

Pitman has a law against parking on any street between 2am and 6am. (You will be ticketed too!) Point being? Is it really that difficult to make a phone call and tell them where your car is? I didn’t think so. It’s something to help reduce crime, so they know what’s going on in our town; did you ever think of trying that in your dirty town? Maybe it would help you out.

Pitman has a 10 o'clock curfew for those under 18 years of age; 11 o'clock on Friday and Saturday. Another thing to try and make our town safe. Who would be uptown anyway at night? We have lives, so we are usually out at a party or somewhere else. And I fail to see why this would bother you? Oh yeah, you hang out here and write down everything you see and don’t like, I forgot…

Pitman has a law against riding skateboards and bicycles on the sidewalks throughout the town. Yeah, that’s kind of good because I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be walkin down the sidewalk and get plowed over my some dork on his bike who is afraid to ride in the street. Sidewalks are for pedestrians who are WALKING; faster-moving traffic goes in the street dipshit.

Pitman now has a required bike regristration (damn, don’t you have a spell-checker or anything?) where the police cheif (something I learned in 2^nd grade: "I" before "E", except after "C", with a FEW exceptions…this being one) must inspect your bike. The rules are below. (ß Ahem…colon!)

If you ride at night you must have a red rear light, 2 (hello, hyphen goes here) inch wide reflectors, and a white light that can be seen 300 feet away. (Yeah, if I actually rode my bike I might want cars to see me)

Every bike must be equipped with a bell or horn you can hear at least 100 feet away. (Ok, well when you come out from behind a parked car and you can’t let cars know you are coming, I hope you have a huge smile on your face, J like this, as you get run over)

The bike's handlebars must have grips on them. (Yeah, I know I wanna fly off my bike too. Grips help you hold on…)

The bike's chains must have a chain gaurd (vowel misplacement?) protecting it. (Oh yeah, I always love it when I get my jeans or my shoelace caught in the chain. It’s always fun to fall on your face! And my friend cut his finger off trying to fix his chain before. I bet that was fun too!)

If you are under 14 years of age, you must wear a helmet.

(State law passed in 1991, but no other town enforces it.) (Sorry if we like to abide by laws…we’re just those unsuccessful grovers, right?)

As a summation to that, I’ll let you know next time I see a cop actually stopping kids on their bikes to inspect EVERYTHING, but hell, you probably know more than me!

Driving Through Pitman

Pitman has a main road with a 25 mph speed limit. Well considering our size and the width (that’s distance from one side of the street to the other for all you dropouts) of the street, and how many people cross the street, I wouldn’t exactly think it was the smartest think to do to floor it down Broadway Ave.

Pitman cops pull you over for having fuzzy dice hanging from your mirror. Yeah, I see this happen everyday! Really, I do! All the time!

Pitman doesn't label the suffixes of their streets. For Example most streets have no labels such as Ave, Rd, St, etc. It’s called sorry-if-we-don’t-want-to-have-6-foot-long-signs.

Pitman abbreviates the word avenue (umm, quotation marks in need around the word "avenue"? I think so…) AV, instead of AVE, on many streets. And it really bothers you that much, huh?

Pitman has designated areas of parking to shop. These parking spaces have signs saying "Free Borough Parking" on each space, to make it seem as if they are doing you a favor by not charging you. Yeah, well you let me know when you want to pay to park uptown.

Pitman has a road where cars park on both sides and there is two way traffic with major cramming; eventhough (umm, did someone forget the space bar?) there is cramming they allow NJ Transit to drive down it. Gee smarty, could that be another contributing reason to the need for a 25-mph speed limit?

Pitman has streets that turn into one way streets in the middle of nowhere, forcing you to turn. My advice, don’t go down that street anymore! And I believe the street you are talking about is in a school zone, sorry if we don’t want people betting killed. A girl got hit 4 years ago cause someone came out of there illegally. If you’d like to be the next volunteer, gimme a call!

Pitman has lights that, at night, keep the changing pattern of colors instead of staying red until a car arrives and then turning green. Ok, so we didn’t put in state-of-the-art traffic light everywhere in Pitman. I think we only have like, 5 real lights anyway, so you’ll have to deal with it, or don’t waste your time driving through here at night

Pitman has a brain(hyphen)dead crossing guard that literally waves to everyone that drives by and stops traffic for joggers on a side street where the speed limit is 35 mph. Oops, I forgot how bad it was to be friendly and try to let people cross the street without getting hit. Oh, can you say school-zone? You should be going 25-mph anyway…

Pitman's road parelle (damn, where did you get your education? Idiots-R-Us?)to their rail road tracks can not see cars on an intersecting street, with the right of the way, until it is ten feet from you. (Duck & Cover) Ok, it’s called NOT REALLY. I can always see the cars on the other street, and from more than 10 feet away. If you are watching the road, you should be fine…

Pitman's streets that are arched beyond belief. (Nice sentence structure, let me tell ya…)If you park near the curb your door digs in the dirt near the sidewalk. Oh, I wasn’t aware Pitman designed the structure and surface of the Earth…

Pitman's Habbits & Traditions

Pitman residents hang out at a water ice station for most of the year. Ok, I know I sure as hell don’t, but you know who hangs out there because? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve driven through Glassboro and seen you slackers hanging out on the streets…

Pitman has people who end pages with 420 thinking they are cool cause they smoke pot. I think every city in the country has people who do that, including Glassboro. You’d probably know more about weed than us though…Sure, people here smoke it, but I think we get a lot of it from your town…how are the projects doin? Still makin money I hope…how else are you all gonna get by?

Pitman has the towns fire siren go off at noon of every day. Yeah, so? Does it really bother you over there in Glassboro?

Pitman has a Miss Pitman Pagent. (Spelling again…damn)

Pitman has a Mr. Pitman Pagent. (Same as above)

Pitman has parades that do not even extend for a mile, still block off the road. All the poor grovers watch this short parade and go nuts. Considering the town is only 2.2 square miles big (I’ll do the math for you losers: length multiplied by width to get square miles) that means the town is only about a mile long. Who would want to be in a parade for over a mile anyway? I have better things to do. And they let cars pass during breaks in the parade, so double-check that one. And if supporting your family or friends is horrible, don’t expect birthday or Christmas presents.

Pitman has grovers that line lawn chairs on the the (was the word "the" so great that you had to write it twice??) main road on July 3rd to get a good seat for next day's fireworks. Yeah, it’s cause of all them losers who go nuts right? Sorry again for supporting people and watching them do whatever they are doing. Our town actually has things to be proud of…

Pitman's fireworks are set off on the 5th of July if the 4th is on a Sunday.

Pitman's residents trick or treat on the 30th if Halloween is on a Sunday.

Pitman's Grove's residents have car or lease payments that are higher than their morgage (No really, where did you say you got your education??)so they seem like they have money when they drive down the road. You really must be a stalker if you know how much money people pay for their houses and cars…good lord…

What The Heck?

Pitman has their own email address. Ok, again I didn’t even know that. Stop paying attention to those things if it bothers you!

Pitman has their own town phone directory. Yeah, it is kind of easy to find people that way without looking through a huge book…It takes less time and you have less of a selection to choose from. Do you like taking the hard way through everything? And why are you looking at our directory anyway?

Pitman's water ice station is called "The Water Ice Station". Did you have a better name for it? It’s short sweet, and to the point...Deal with it.

Pitman has cops that support local punks instead of people bound to succeed in life. HAHA, where did you want them to work, Glassboro? Sure, maybe they can straighten your loser town out with a couple decades work, but I doubt it.

Pitman has "The Grove" which is many cheap shanties many people live in thinking they are tough and wealthy. Ok, now I’m pretty sure the people in the grove don’t think they are really wealthy. In fact, the Grove is actually a nice part of town with an intricate design…most of the ‘grovers’ you refer to live outside of the grove.

Pitman's annual carnival ends at 11:00pm; after their weekday curfew. Ohh, forgive the town for trying to give the kids an extension on curfew. We’ll put an end to the kindness right away! Go sell some more drugs and don’t come to our carnival if you don’t like it.

Pitman residents put basketball hoops on these streets without the intelligence to realize that the hoop will not be 10 ft high from the center of the street. Ok, so the street isn’t big enough for you to play basketball? I don’t quite follow, but I think you can play basketball anyway you want to, and shoot wherever you want. Do you play basketball in those nets? Didn’t think so, so get over it already.

Pitman has a big wooden sign that says Pitman on it. Yeah, was it supposed to say Glassboro on it or something? Let me get back to ya on that…

Pitman claims to be historic. (For what? Having residents? That's nothing special!) Actually, it is historic. If you knew how to read large books, you may have seen several published about our town. That may answer your question…

Pitman has Americans that work at their 7-11. Oh my god, sue us for not having Habibian immigrants working to support our town. We are in America, ya know. At least we act like it.

Pitman has a theater where it plays movies that haven't been in theaters for months. Yeah, do you even have a theatre? Cause if you do, I might just check that out…cause I’m pretty sure no one knows about it. Usually people go to Deptford or some other town for the movies. It’s pretty much for older people anyway, so why do you care?

Pitman plays gay elevator music on the main street all throughout the day. Ok, that is pretty stupid, but did you expect rap or something to blare over the speakers? Generally, people don’t really hang out and listen to the music anyway, so it shouldn’t really concern anyone, let alone people who don’t even live here!

Pitman has a hotel that is always vacent (I’ll say this one more time…SPELL CHECK! All those years of being in the same grade didn’t help you, huh?) and the sidewalk outside of it is cleaner. Ok, so it’s not the nicest hotel. But not many people know of Pitman, and many people don’t pass through here. Unless you wanna dish out the money to fix it up, stop complaining!

Pitman has a theme. As do many other towns…

Pitman's theme is "Everyone likes Pitman". (I hate the town, so get a new theme!!!) Ok, so it’s not supposed to be taken totally literally. Of course some people won’t like it. It just a small, quiet town, that shouldn’t bother people like you, but apparently, you have nothing exciting in your life, so it does…