All right, yo, here's my story. One day Fred Durst was walking down the street. I don't know what street and I don't care what street. Just some street, okay? So he's walking along, singing to himself. "Yo, I did it all for the nookie, yeah, the... what the hell am I saying? I don't even know what I'm talking about. Oh well, who gives a shit? I'm rich and people love me." So Wes Borland comes running up. "Yo, Fred, dude, they're having a sale at the Optomo-save! I can get my cool black contacts for half-price!" Fred looks at him. "Dude, you're, like, too weird for me. I'm kicking your ass out of the band. But you can come back in a couple of days, I might miss you by then." So Wes walks away, all saddened. Later on, John Otto catches up to Fred. "Dude, you shouldn't keep firing Wes like that. That's seriously disturbing to his mental health and attitude." Fred turns to him. "You know, that might not be a good thing. So if you see Wes, tell him I'm sorry and he's hired back." "Alright, dude," says John. So Fred's walking by himself again, and he decides he's going to go stock up on chick's underwear. Why? I don't know, ask him. It's his sick fetish. Fred decides to go buy the underwear in Sears. Cuz, I mean, they got great prices in Sears. Sometimes. And Fred doesn't try on what he buys, cuz, that'd just look too weird. A guy actually trying on women's underwear? At least when he just buys it, he can always say it's for his girlfriend, right? No, no, not that crazy bitch of an ex-girlfriend! His new one, that blonde chick. She thinks Fred looks sexy in women's underwear, so he gets 'em. So while he's there, Daniel Johns walks in, carrying an armload of hair products and Vasoline. I don't know why he wants the Vasoline, you can just use your sick imagination for the direction I'm going in. Fred's like, "Yo, dude, I totally respect your music and shit. You're cool." Daniel replies, "Hey man, bloody well back off before I hit you with my boomerang, and sic my pet kangaroo on you! I'm anti-social, and you're tarnishing my image!" Well, Fred doesn't like that, cuz he's this tough-shit, kiss-my-ass kinda guy, and he doesn't like to take crap from anyone, especially some little blonde Australian who likes Vasoline. Hey, what the hell am I talking about? Fred likes women's underwear. Anyways, Daniel and Fred are ready to duke it out (honestly, I dont think this would be any contest... it'd be kinda funny to watch), when who walks up but that dinky little dude from Radiohead! And not only is that bad enough, but Britney Spears is hanging off his arm like some kind of sick tumourous growth. So this little rat-faced dude, Thom... uh, somebody, rudely shoulders his way past Fred and Daniel. Not only that, but Britney "accidentally" knocks over Daniel with her boobs! So Daniel gets up and pops her one in the face. She kind of looks at him. "Like, that totally, like, didn't hurt, like, whatsoever, like, you know?" says Britney. So Fred turns around and pops her one in the face. That sends her flying across Sears. Thom, Daniel and Fred watch in wonder. "Cool, dude, but I don't think she'll get hurt if she lands chest-first. She's got lotsa artificial padding," says Fred reassuredly. So then he turns back to Thom. "Excuse me," says Thom, "but I most definately believe that that was an extreme show of unjust anger on your part, my dear boy. Very immature and unprofessional-like behaviour." Fred looks at him in dazed confusion. "Huh?" he says... another brilliant Fred Durst comeback. The he shakes his head to clear it. "Kiss my ass, dude, I'm Fred Durst!" He then proceeds to thoroughly kick Thom's skinny ass around Sears. Daniel watches in awe. "That's bloody heaps amazing, mate." So after Fred finishes kicking Thom's ass out of the store, he walks back to Daniel to deliver another ass-kicking. Then he stops to think. "You know, dude, maybe that little guy was right. Maybe I should stop being so pessimistic. I mean, the sign is shining. I shouldn't kick your ass. I mean, you're like, four times smaller than me." So Fred walks away happy, and Daniel gets to live another day with his Vasoline. Fred goes home, and tries on all his underwear for his girlfriend. She likes em all, except for the green pair. He doesn't look good in green. So everybody lives happily everafter. The end. And if you didn't like my story, then send me your home address, cuz I'll send Fred Durst to your house in his green underwear.