Then I entered Eltham Green school, now I was in a big school, no one was trying to impress the teacher with how hard they can work, now it was "make yourself no.1 by insulting No.2 (an I don't mean shit)" and guess what I was? NO not A No.2!! I WAS No.2. I was not any good at insulting so I was insulted and picked on a lot. Everyone was more interested in fucking around while I still wanted to impress the teacher with how hard I could work. This carried on for 3 years till I got pissed off and less happy, this was my Darkening. I was surrounded by 3000+ teenagers all going through puberty at the same time. so there was a little tension where I was, except I wasn't going through puberty yet, I didn't go through puberty till I was 15 so I wasn't feeling the same as all those other tossers that RUINED MY LIFE, anyway, this is when I finally gave up impressing teachers and did stuff for myself. That was a bad mistake, these were the 2 most important years of my life. This is where my coursework was being assessed and I just fucked around and did no work saying "I already did this in the 1^st year" as my excuse, So when it came to my exams I only got half the marks I could have got, except for maths! THEY KEPT ME ON THE WRONG FUCKING LEVEL FOR 4 YEARS, so the maximum grade I could get was D and I got it piss easy.

In the last year of school, in the final 2 weeks I found my real friends, a girl had asked me on my science table if I wanted to, well, spend a night in a field. What could I say? Actually it was more innocent than it sounds. Her sister was into the paranormal that included UFO's and stuff so what we were doing was actually UFO watching, except we had alcohol and drugs. Which was pointless cos if we did see something we are not reliable witnesses, go figure. Anyway it was fun, I enjoyed it, it was different, and I started to get interested in the girl, and so did the other person she asked who happened to be someone I knew from primary school. At this point I met Chris aka Speednik1 who's on AOL. He recorded a tape for me, which had all this cool music. I wrote music myself on my Amiga1200 using Octamed v5.0 (anyone know it?) anyway we both wrote music, that's why we were introduced to each other.

So this is where I heard Nine inch nails for the second time, the first was on Bevis and Butthead where I saw the "March of the Pigs" video an thought it was cool. So then I knew that my taste in music was different from the majority. Eventually we all met up weekly and hung around researching weird shit when I finally got my brothers involved. That just improved the fun and now my oldest brother is going out with the sister of the girl on the science table, We're going to be related so its lucky I was turned down by her.

Then something happened which changed my life again, Another mate of mine started going out with this person who had a flat on the Ferrier Estate in Kidbrooke an she had a party and invited all of us, there I met someone who I went to Primary School with an I hadn't seen for ages. He was into Metal music and I thought this was cool and decided to get to know him better which paid off too cos since knowing him I been to a lot of cool places and gigs.

From then I met a few other people that knew some of my mates, the party was cool. A few months later I went to another party which had this girl who I heard lots about (she became my first girlfriend) so I went, we all had a laugh and that party was a success too, then my brother asked her out and she said yes. I wished him luck with her cos I didn't expect to win her anyway cos I'm a pessimist, anyway later my brother and her were having problems and I wanted to help both of em by giving em advise, what I didn't know is that I was slowly turning him into me and I was becoming more interesting and attractive to her, anyway they split up and a week later we were going out. My brother was ok with this and everyone was happy, especially me cos she took my Virginity.

Then weeks went by and I found out that I wasn't seeing as much of her as I wanted, cos I worked days and she worked nights. Until one Friday I stayed over her house and she just seemed cold towards me but I thought I was being paranoid. Then Saturday morning we were talking and I said "Do you know what really annoys me?" she said "No?" an I said "When you try to annoy me" and she paused and said "Listen, we got to talk." I knew this was the end!

Basically she said she didn't love me anymore. This hurt badly, I asked for a second chance but it was no good, she said that she couldn't even imagine kissing me anymore and I agreed with her even though I didn't agree. It was clear that it was over and I didn't see the need for making the split up anymore painful for either of us. So we agreed to be friends and that was the end of that. Even though we agreed to be friends I still saw little of her, it go to the point where the only time I would hear from her was when I phoned her. So in the end we drifted. During this time I had been using the internet quite a lot (you should have seen my phone bill!!) and spent lots of time in Music chat where I met my longest bud Stef, Silverfree and we just got on like a house on fire, really I was using AOL to find myself someone to have a relationship with, I ended making more friends this way, I prefer to make friends with the opposite sex because you get a more intellectual conversation with women and if I have a problem I can discuss it with them, I get advice instead of sympathy.

Around the time of 1997 me and my mates all heard form my dad about this place called Chanctonbury Ring. This is a place in Washington, which is in Worthing in England. There is a ring of trees that have this paranormal shit happen there like Crosses being melted and people being levitated and other cool stuff, so we all decided to investigate this by seeing for ourselves and going there. This was a cool trip which ended in not finding the ring except when we gave up and decided to look for a bus stop instead, and then we saw it in the distance, except we didn't believe that that was it so we just went to the pub and then back home, we repeated the trip exactly a year later to the very day, and when we entered the ring most brass lighters didn't work, the cameras fucked up and most of us felt strange but no levitation shit, I suppose that only happens at night.

As time went by with Stef an I talking with each other as we did, our conversations were very 18+ and disgusting, but we were having fun but then this started getting a bit serious, we kept telling each other how much we wanted to see each other. This made me think about how I REALLY felt about her and I found out that our feelings for each other wasn't mutual and that I really cared for her as a friend. I really hated this bit, I had to let her know how I felt, It was like my first break up except now the roles have been reversed. It was a bit messy, but we managed to sort things out and we would continue being friends. I was happy because we are really good friends and we cheer each other up whenever one of us are down, plus she's the first and longest friend I have on AOL an I still want to see her badly and I want it to keep on. With everyone I meet I hope to continue seeing them for as long as possible and I never forget anyone including CrowNIN wherever you are.

OK we're nearly there!!

Where was I? Oh yeah 1998 here my life went up but not without some life shattering things mind you. I was just minding my own business when I got a message from someone who wished to inform me that Nine Inch Nails were crap, usually I fire abuse to anyone who says anything about Trent but for some reason this time I thought id try to understand why, then me and her got taking and I sent my pic to her and I was asked why I never had a girlfriend, so I said "If I knew then I wouldn't be single" and she said that she'd help me find one. The next day I got an e-mail from someone who wanted to know me better so I was happy and went along with it. Around about this time I found out that my mum had a mild form of cancer which I didn’t take any real threat over cos it was mild and we got the medicine to cure it so I just kept on being optimistic. Till one day I came home from work to find out that she had been taken to hospital for further treatment, OK, This sucked bigtime, because I never really say the danger of the cancer before but now, all of the shock and thought of losing my mum hit me in an instant. I was just so angry and scared and all I could think about is what if……. But I never wanted to think any further, I really wanted to help in every way but I couldn’t and I didn’t even want to visit her in hospital cos I didn’t want to see her like that. As the days went by I then realized that she was going to be ok and I then got back to thinking normal too, until I wanted to phone my ex girlfriend for idle chat. Instead of getting her I got her mum. I was then told that she (my ex) had attempted to take her own life. SHOCK!!! That’s all I felt, I wanted to help again but I couldn’t. That’s the feeling I hate the most, knowing that I want to make things better but cant. I later found out what hospital she was in and I went an saw her, eventually, shes ok now, except that I havnt seen her since she's been omitted. Things then got better. I got a letter through the post with a phone number and I phoned it, it was the person who e-mailed me. We talked lots and lots over the days that followed, the average call time was 3 hrs being 20 minutes the shortest and 5 1/2 hours the longest, then one day we finally met in London for a day, I enjoyed that a lot, I could feel something there. The more we phoned the more we fell for each other till one day we were so tired and emotionally open that we told each other that we could see ourselves loving each other and then the fun started, it wasn't long before we saw each other again, while her parents were away we decided that I'd stay for the weekend over her house where we consummated our relationship. COOL!!!!

Then a fortnight later she visited me and that was so fucking cool it was untrue, I really loved it to bits, we all got on me an her, her an my parents, her an my bothers, it all was good, until when I visited her again. I don't know what it was and neither did she but over that weekend things were different, we had lots of fun an all its just it seemed that we wasn't as close. She did give me a reason at the time, which I believe but it was a little more than that. After I came home from that weekend I was incredibly paranoid about what went on, I was going out of my mind and I didn't like it, but I put it down to myself being stupid until the next day when I was supposed to phone her cos it was my turn. Instead she phoned me, and when I answered the phone her voice sounded down so I said "can I call you in a minute?" and I grabbed my cup of tea and went upstairs. Then I called her and carried on as if I didn't know what was coming. Until she said that we should split up, I was half expecting it but it was still a fucking shock. We both then carried on talking and I heard how she felt which confirmed why I was paranoid, cos it wasn't paranoia it was my EWR early warning radar kicking in. but I feel that we are closer now we are not together, and we both save money on phone calls too.

 LOOK WHAT I TURNED INTO!!

Whats happend since then?? well lets see, its about September, things are dying down now, not mych happening, I fully learned that my Mothers condition was not improving and found myself scaring myself on the way home from work everyday. I'd see a magpie and then think of me entering my home to find a note waiting for me saying that Mum has been taken to hospital. This actualy came true one day, except i hadnt come home from work, I had been to Braintree to visit an online bud.

BRAINTREE!! I went to Braintree for a cool weekend! an i got one! first off it was a fucker of a journey, i had to change transport 5 times an used 3 different forms of transport, EVEN A BUS!! cos the service between london an essex was fucked. Anyway, i arive in Braintree early and i wasnt expecting my mate for a while so i decided to find a place that sold food cos i was fucking hungery, i found a garage, an i bought some biscuits and other stuff that i wanted, then i went back to the station where i was jumpped by my mate who was ready to get on the departing train to meet me half way!! LUCKY I WENT BACK, cos i wasnt going to, i was gonna explore, PHEW! anyway i want it to be known that i had a fucking excellant time there where i met some of her friands who treated me good, specialy one of em which found me erm... nice :) well who am i to argue, specialy when we had a bit of "FUN" in a room of 8 people hehe.

On the night i went back i finally got home to find the note that I ddnt want to find!

TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT!! I HAD TO COME TO TERMS WITH MY MOTHERS SOON DEATH, MY DAD, 2 BROTHERS AND I DID A LOT OF GROWING UP IN THOSE WEEKS OF TOURNMENT!!

BETTY MAY FIRTH DIED - 2:00 AM JAN 1ST 1999

She gave so much, Expected so little!

AND SO WAS BORN, THE NEW ME!