In June 1997, Guitar World published their "Summer of Loud" issue. Featured on the cover were Korn's Head and Munky; Pantera's Dimebag Darrell; Marilyn Manson's Twiggy Ramirez and Marilyn Manson; and Black Sabbath's Tony Iommi and Ozzy Osbourne. In this issue, Manson and Osbourne talk about, among other things, what it's like to be among the most "reviled men in America." According to Osbourne, "Because of who we are and what we represent, if we were ever in a car wreck, they'd leave us to die." These are the actual "facts": Manson and Ozzy were on the cover of the June 1997 issue of Guitar World; Ozzy is one of Manson's role models; and the two get along famously.

Now, in this "alternative" rock-'n'-roll narrative, here's what might've happened . . . .

[We catch up with these "monster rock" guys at the Guitar World photo shoot, just as they are taking a much needed break. Munky, Head, Dimebag, and the photographer have all taken off for the nearest bar, while Ozzy (who's now clean and sober), Tony (who's sometimes clean and sober), Marilyn (who's rarely clean or sober but has some friends who are both), and Twiggy (who's been neither clean nor sober for more than one hour at a time since 1988) are hanging out around the donut table in one of the Guitar World offices.]

Ozzy :Cool! I love jelly donuts. . . . Look at this, Tony! They have some great donuts over here.

Tony: Wow. I've not had a donut since we've been back in the good ol' U.S. of A. this time around.

Marilyn: [in his best industrial metal voice] We've raised your children on Saturday morning television and junk food. . . . [shouting] The laannd of the fuckin' freee and the hoome of the goddddamnnn braayyyyvvee. . . .

Tony: What song is that, Marilyn?

Marilyn: It's one we're working on now. Twiggy is supposed to be writing the music, but he's been too stoned to even record.

Ozzy: Where is Twiggy, anyway? Twiggy!!

[Twiggy is amusing himself under the table with a donut.]

Ozzy: Oh, there you are. What the hell are you doing under there, mate?

Marilyn: He's got this sexual thing for donuts--especially jelly and powdered sugar ones. He could write a book: The Fetishization of the Donut by T. Ramirez. . . . .

Tony: 1001 Wonderfully Perverse Things You Can Do With a Donut . . . . .

Ozzy: My Life as a Donut Fucker; or How To Play With Donuts and Guitars at the Same Time. . . .

Marilyn: That should be the name of the song we're tryin' to write--"Donut Fucker." Hear that, Twiggy? Write the music for "Donut Fucker." I'll work on the lyrics. [No response from Twiggy.] Oh, he's just happy there with his donut. Let's go sit over on the couch.

[Marilyn, Ozzy, and Tony go sit on a leopard-skin patterned couch. The donut table is still within their line of vision. Twiggy amuses himself with more donuts.]

Marilyn: Tony, do you think I need to touch up my make-up?

Tony: Hmmm. Well, I've never been much into make-up meself, but I do think you could use a bit of a touch-up. The eyeliner's beginnin' t' drip a bit. . . . Here. Let me fix it up for you. Do you have any eyeliner?

Marilyn: [Pulling out his make-up and accessories kit from underneath the leopard-skin patterned couch and looking through it for eyeliner.] Damn. I think I'm out of my favorite mascara. Well, this really pisses me off.

Ozzy: Oh, don't get yourself in such a snit, Marilyn. You look fuckin' great. [Pause.] This couch is fuckin' great, man. I've never seen anythin' quite like it.

Tony: Oz, we got a couch just like this for that studio when we were recording Paranoid. . . .

Ozzy: We did not. [Pause.] Did we?

Tony: Well, yes we did. Remember that crazy woman at the Couch Corner who let us 'ave it for free 'cause 'er cat 'ad pissed all over it?

Ozzy: Cat? [Pause.] Paranoid?

Tony: Yeah. Way back in '70.

Marilyn: Yeah, man. [In his best industrial rock voice.] "I AM IRON MAN!"

Ozzy: I have no recollection of that bloody couch or of 1970, for that matter. Christ! Me ol' brain's not what it used to be. Too much booze and fuckin' pills. . . .

Marilyn: [cutting a line of coke on a coffee table in front of the couch.] . . The preceding was a public service announcement sponsored by Partners for a Drug-Free and Fun-Free World and does not reflect the opinions of anyone else present in this room. [snorting the line] Want some, Tony?

Tony: No thanks, mate. Maybe later. Still a bit early for me.

Marilyn: Cool. More for me. [snort, sniff, sniff.]

Ozzy: That shit'll kill ya', man. Blue pills, green pills, white pills. . . . .

Tony: Oh, no. Don't get 'im started on the evils of pills. I've heard this story so many fuckin' times.

Ozzy: Polka-dotted pills, speckled pills, striped pills. . . .

Marilyn: Blah, blah, blah.

Twiggy: [Still under the table with his donuts. Snort. Snort. Sniff. Sniff.] This powdered sugar is some cool shit, man!

Tony: Good Christ! What is that kid's problem?

Ozzy: Purple and pink pills, bloody yellow pills I got from that fucker in Berlin. . . .

Marilyn: Oh, he's fine. He'll snort or shoot just about anything. [Cutting another line and snorting it.] Y'know, he and Oz should get together and write a song called "Bloody Yellow Pills and Powdered Sugar"! [Pause.] So, you guys are, like, my idols man. Black Sabbath kicks ass!

Ozzy: Thanks a lot, mate! I like to think we still kick ass.

Tony: Yeah. Not like that golf-playing arsehole, Alice Cooper.

Marilyn: Who the hell does he think he is anyway? That guy spends his whole fuckin' day out on the golf course. That is so uncool. [Pause.] Y'know, Ozzy, you could kick Alice's ass!

Ozzy: Damn straight. . . . . You won't find me wearin' golf pants and ridin' around in some lame ol' golf cart! Alice Cooper is an old golf-playing fart! . . .

Tony: Oz, you did kick his butt! In fact, you trounced him pretty good! Sent him to hospital, if I remember correctly.

Ozzy: I did? I don't think I've ever even met Alice Cooper. [Pause.] When? [Pause.] 1970?

Tony: 1974, I think it was . . . .

Ozzy: Really? [Pause.] I have no recollection of that, or anything else in 1974. . . .

Marilyn: Cool. [Pause.] Do you remember biting the head offa those bats?

Ozzy: Bats?

Marilyn: . . . pissing on the Alamo?

Ozzy: . . . the Alamo?

Tony: God, man! You're more far-gone than I thought! Let's see. . . . You and Alice were out drinking one night, and he called you a Satanist. You called him a pseudo-Satanist. And then he said that Sabbath sucked. You said that he looked stupid in a top hat, and then you just decked him, Oz. Right there in front of everyone.

Marilyn: That is so cool. I bet you scared the shit outta him, man!

Tony: . . . And then you punched him again and again and again. Just tore into him, the poor ol' bastard!

Ozzy: Christ! Really?

[At this point, there's a bit of a lull in the conversation, as Ozzy tries hard to remember his fight with Alice. Tony gets up to go get another donut, while Marilyn snorts another line.]

Suddenly, the door to the room opens, and a very agitated Lita Ford walks into the room. She has her famous yellow guitar slung over her shoulder, and she is decked out in leather from head to toe. As usual, she is looking very buff, tough, and blonde.]

Lita: [Storming in. She rants to no one in particular.] Okay! [slamming the door behind her.] I've looked all over this fucking building, and I cannot find the goddamn photo shoot, so if you know what's good for you, you'll just tell me where the hell the shoot is, and I'll get outta your damn way, but you WILL NOT tell me to calm down, or I'll bash your fuckin' brains in!!

Ozzy: Lita! How the hell are you!? 'Aven't seen you in a helluva long time, babe!

Lita: Oz! Well, I'll-be-goddamned!! [Sees Tony.] hi, tony. [Editor's note: Tommy and Lita had a pretty intense romantic relationship at one time. And, don't forget that Ozzy and Lita are pals, too--they are both managed by Ozzy's wife, Sharon Osbourne.]

Tony: hi, lita. how are you?

Lita: fine.

Marilyn: Wow. You are so cool, Lita Ford. I had one of my most intense sexual experiences watching you on MTV. . . . .

Lita: Oh, yeah? Don't tell me. You were alone at the time, and it was, like, the most intense sexual experience ever, yadda, yadda, yadda . . . . .

Marilyn: That's so totally right! How did you know?

Lita: Oh, I get that a lot. [Pause.] How old were you? 12? 13? 11?

Twiggy: [Still enjoying his donuts.] Oh, he was 25. It was just last week. . . . .

Marilyn: Yeah, right, and you were in the bed beside me jacking off with a donut!

Lita: [Shaking her head.] Boys, boys, boys. . . .Hmmm. Donuts, huh? [Pause.] Well, whatever gets you through the night. . . .

Marilyn: Hey, Lita. Do you have some eyeliner I can borrow?

Lita: Yeah, you're looking a little sloppy there, guy. [Rummaging through her pockets.] Well, no eyeliner, but here's some kick ass black lipstick you can have.

Marilyn: Cool. Thanks. [Applies black lipstick around his eyes.]

Ozzy: So, Lita, I sense some tension between you and Tony, so I'm going to divert attention away from that by asking you a very important question: Do you remember me kicking Alice Cooper's ass at a bar in 1974?

Lita: Oh, hell yes, Oz! You beat the shit outta him at this bar in Tokyo. He called you a pseudo-Satanist and said that your voice sucked and that you were only riding on his coattails. . . .

Tony: That is so wrong, Lita. It was in New York, not Tokyo. And that's certainly not what transpired between those two. . . .

Lita: No, that's exactly what happened, Tony! Just call up Joan and ask her! She was there, too! I was there with all of the Runaways. We were hanging out with you and Ozzy, and Alice called Oz a phony . . . . . [Editor's note: Lita and Joan Jett played guitars for the girl group The Runaways in the 70's. The Runaways were hugely famous in Japan. Clearly, the Japanese were much smarter about this than most Americans, who stupidly thought that The Runaways were bimbos and that girls couldn't play guitars or drums. Yeah, right!]

Tony: Once again, you are so wrong! In Tokyo, it was Robert Plant who called Ozzy a pseudo-Satanist! And that was in 1975, not 1974. . . .

Ozzy: 1974? Robert Plant?

Lita: Really? [Pause.] Hmmm. . . . I dunno. I have no recollection of that. Those years are all a blur to me. Orange pills, pink pills, blue pills . . . . .

Ozzy: Red pills, green pills . . . . .

Lita and Ozzy: Bloody yellow pills from that fucker in Berlin. . . . .

Lita: Oh, my God, Oz! Did you buy pills from that guy in Berlin, too? What was that evil bastard's name. . . .?

Ozzy: Helmut!

Lita: Jesus, yes! Helmut! What a total asshole! Those yellow pills were soooo fucking bad. . . . .

Ozzy: Christ, those were bad. . . . .

Marilyn: Oh, don't worry. Helmut doesn't sell those anymore. He's pretty cool these days. He got me this coke I've been snorting.

Tony: [With much vitriol.] Oh, look! How loverly! The past, present, and future generations of rock stars are bridged by Helmut, the Berlin pusher. . . .

Lita: fuck you, tony.

Tony: fuck you, lita.

Lita: [Pause.] Obviously, I am in the wrong damn room. This is the "adolescent boys and their guitars" photo shoot. Hell, Oz, you don't even play the guitar!

Ozzy: Oh, well. I'm just here for the ride, I guess. [Pause.] I cannot fucking believe I kicked both Alice Cooper's ass and Robert Plant's ass, and I don't remember a goddamn thing about either one of those moments! Such a damn shame. . . . Too much booze and too many pills.

Lita: [Walking out the door.] So long, assholes. Good to see you again, Oz. Nice to meet you, Marilyn. fuck you, tony.

Hellraiser: Official Site of Lita Ford

Marilyn Manson with Neil Strauss. The Long Hard Road Out of Hell. NY: Regan Books/Harper Collins, 1998.

Guitar World. June 1997.

Barney Hoskins. Glam! Bowie, Bolan and the Glitter Rock Revolution. NY: Pocket Books, 1998.