This was crazy I thought while lying in bed that night. What were the chances? It was just crazy. I felt like I was living in some little girl's fantasy, the mother of a Backstreet Boy baby. This whole thing was crazy, ridiculous. I must have been going out of my mind to even think it was possible.
I closed my eyes and let my mind drift back thirteen years. He had been so kind, so gentle. He made me feel like I was beautiful and everything would be all right in his arms. Why if that boy was Kevin didn't I recognize him? How could I not have known? He made me feel the same way now as he did then. Safe, complete, happy. He made me feel as alive now as he had then. Why didn't I know it was him? Why was it him?
What kept me up the most that night was how did I tell Colt? How did I tell him that the father he longed for could be the man he wanted to call his father? It seemed so easy, so simple. Colt would be so happyâ€| wouldn't he? What if he got scared? What if he shut Kevin out? What if he hated me for keeping them apart?
This whole situation was unreal. I couldn't be living this. I had fought too long, too hard to make a life for Colt and I. I didn't know how to share my son with anyone else, not with anyone as important as his father. It was crazy to think any of this was even really possible. What were the chances of the man I had fallen in love with really being the father of a child I had conceived with a stranger thirteen years ago? Apparently they were pretty good chances.
When the numbers on my bedside clock glowed four o'clock in the morning I reached for my phone. Three rings later I heard the all to familiar answering machine.
"Hey, this is Serena. You know the drill. Later, sweets," was followed by a high pitched beep.
"Serena, I need you. Please pick up the phone. I'm scared, CeCe. I don't know what to do. I'm scared and I need you," I broke down over the phone.
"Hunter? Hunter, I'll be there in five minutes. Hold on, midget," she said after picking up the phone
Five minutes later we were sitting on the floor of my studio so we didn't wake Colt.
"What happened, sweetie?" Serena asked, holding me.
"I fell in love with the father of my child," I sobbed.
"What? How, when, who?" she demanded.
"Kevin is Colt's father."
"All right, Hunter. Stop, take a deep breath, and start from the beginning."
So I did. I told her everything about the night Colt was conceived, the boy, the feelings. Then I told her about the little things Kevin said and did that triggered things in me. His confession of a girl in a park. All the pieces of a puzzle I had long since given up on had come together.
"Oh Hunter. What are you going to do?" she asked, wiping away my tears.
"Tell Colt. Hope he doesn't hate me. Hope Kevin doesn't hate me. Find a way to make it work. I don't know," I cried, the tears coming again.
"Oh, honey. Why would Colt hate you?"
"Because for 12 years I've kept the man he worships from him. He'll hate me because I kept the man he loves from him because he's his father. I screwed up, Serena.
"No, you didn't, Hunter. You've raised a wonderful son alone, by yourself, without any help. You never kept Kevin from Colt. You just didn't know how to find him. You have a good boy, midget. He'll understand that. And it's possible he'll love you even more for making his father a man he loved from the beginning," she said, running a soothing hand down the length of my hair.
"I'm scared though, Serena. I wasn't thinking and I told Kevin," I admitted.
"What's wrong with that?"
"What if he tries to take Colt from me? What if he takes my baby? He's all I have, CeCe. He can't take him from me. I'll die without Colt," I sobbed.
"Kevin loves you, Hunter Deveraux. He loves you so much and he loves that little boy. He would never take him from you. He wouldn't hurt you or Colt like that," she assured me.
"And if he does, Serena? If he decides he's missed too much time with him and wants him to himself? If he takes my son, Serena, what do I do? He's my life. If I don't have him to live for I'll die. If he takes Colt, Serena, I'll go crazy," I whispered in the early morning hours.
"He won't, honey. He won't," she promised.
"What if he does? He has fame, money, power. He could take him so easily, with so little effort. What if he does, Serena? What if he takes my baby?"
I stared into blue eyes that mirrored mine, into the soul of a little boy who had never asked more of me than love and Backstreet Boys' tickets. My heart, my soul, my night and day, my dreams and my reality wrapped up in this handsome, kind, funny, wonderful boy. A boy who's world I would have to wreck havoc on.
"I need to talk to you, kiddo, and what I'm going to say could change a lot of things," I began, sitting next to him in the living room.
"Are you and Kevin getting married?" he asked.
Oh, Colt, my heart cried out. I wish I could tell him that. I wished I could tell him that all his dreams were coming true, wished I could tell him that the man he adored was becoming a part of our lives so simply. Instead, I was going to tell him something that would change everything in our lives forever.
"No, Colt. No, we aren't getting married but it is about Kevin," I began, taking a deep breath.
"What is it, Mom?"
"You know I don't know much about your father, what his name was, where he was from, anything that could have found him for you, right? Because if I could have found him for you, Colton, I would have. I would never keep you from your father," I swore.
"Mom, what's going on?" he asked and I could hear the trace of fear in his voice.
"I don't know how to tell you this, Colt, so I'm just gonna say it. Kevin and I have been talking a lot about our pasts and we've come to realize we've meet before. About thirteen years ago in Louisville. Kiddo, I think Kevin might be your father."
Oh, God, I had said it. I had told my son the truth. Now please, God, let him be okay. Please, please let him be okay.
"My father?" he echoed. "But how?"
"He went to football camp in Louisville. He came across a girl, upset, crying. He comforted her. It was around the same time, the same place. It makes sense, honey. It's very possible," I said, reaching out to smooth back his hair from his face.
"Does he know?"
"Yes, I told him. When the tour is over he's going to come back. We'll do a DNA test and find out for sure," I told him.
"Is this why you've been so upset lately?" he asked, looking at me with scared blue eyes.
"Yeah, kiddo. I've been kind of confused and scared about it all," I admitted to him.
"Why scared?"
"I was afraid you would hate me. You love Kevin so much already. I was afraid you would hate me for keeping him away from you."
"Did you know he was my father?"
"No, baby. I never knew. I had no idea. If I had I would have told you right away. I would do that to you or Kevin. You love each other too much."
"My dad," he whispered. "Kevin's my dad."
He stared at me for the longest time, then slowly he stood and walked to the door.
"Colt," I called after him.
"Just leave me alone for a little while, Mom. I'll be okay," he said, before disappearing.
I watched the doorway for a moment hoping he would come back, come back, throw his arms around me, and say everything would all right. Instead, I sat there alone wondering if our lives would ever be the same again before I found myself reaching for the phone again.
"Hello?"
"Kevin, it's Hunter," I answered his strong, deep voice that always seemed to be a comfort to me. Even when it was his voice that had lead me to this point in my life.
"Hunter, what's wrong? Is it Colt? Is he all right?" he asked, fear evident in his voice. He loved his son so much already.
"No, Colt's fine. A little shocked and confused maybe but physically he's fine. I told him, Kevin," I admitted.
"Are you all right?" he asked then and I felt my heart turn.
My son's world was turning upside down, everything he knew and believed in was changing. Kevin's life was doing the same and here he was asking if I was all right. Is it any wonder I fell in love with the man?
"I'll live, I think. It's all just a little strange," I said, sitting back and trying to relax. I felt so tied up in knots.
"A little?" he echoed and I could hear the hint of laughter in his voice that made me smile.
"All right, it's very strange. What were the chances, Kevin?" I asked the voice that belonged to a man too far away.
"I don't know, baby girl. All I know is I've never been so happy to fall in love in my life. I have this wonderful woman I adore who is the mother of this boy I'm crazy about and she just happens to tell me he's my son. Hunter, you're right. This changes so many things, but it doesn't change the fact that I love you. Both of you."
"But do you love us because of who we are or who we've become?" I asked. My heart couldn't take it if he only loved me as Colt's mother.
With Colt staying with a friend I was the one who had to go one the door at the sound of the knock three weeks later. Pulling my hair back in ponytail I headed toward the front door.
When I opened it a moment later I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't speak. There he was, Kevin. The man who had been the boy who changed my life. The man who had changed my heart. The man who had fathered my son. He held the voice that could soothe my soul, the eyes that could quiet my fears, the arms that could bring me home. I wanted him to hold me, to tell me that my world would be all right again, that everything would be perfect. All I could do was stare at him.
"Are you angry with me?" he asked finally.
"No. No, why would I be angry with you?" I countered.
"Because you won't let me inside," he answered. I looked at him and felt myself start to smile when I saw the corners of his mouth lifting up. He was teasing me. Thank God for Kevin.
I stepped back and held the door open wide for him. "Sorry about that. I guess I was a little surprised to see you," I confessed.
"Surprised?"
"All right, overwhelmed with happiness," I corrected, smiling up at him.
"You're happy to see me?" he asked. He sounded so surprised it hurt.
"I can't stop loving you because you're the father of my child, Kevin. And I can't stop being happy to see you because of what that changes," I said, turning away from him. Did he honestly think I was that shallow that I could turn my feelings off like that?
"Hunter, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out like that," he said, slipping his arms around me waist. Home
"How did you mean for it to come out then, Kevin?"
"I was afraid you might be afraid of me," he said. He simply held me, letting me get stronger through his strength. Just as he had thirteen years ago.
"I am afraid of you, but that doesn't stop my heart from loving you, the man you've shown me. I might love you with my heart, but my son is my heart. You've missed a lot of time with him. I'm just scared that you might think you need to take him away and be alone with him. I couldn't bear that, Kevin."
"Baby girl, I would never do that. Not to you and not to Colt. It would kill me to hurt either one of you. I couldn't live knowing I hurt you like that. You're scared I could take him, but I'm scared you'll keep him."
He walked me into my living room and sat me down. He kneeled in front of me and grasped my face so our eyes locked.
"Colt is your lifeline and I'm scared you'll be afraid of losing him and run. So see, baby, we're both terrified of losing the same thing. The thing is if we do this the right way we won't lose anything. We'll just gain a lifetime," he promised. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe him so much.
"It's not that easy, Kevin. He's confused and possibly hurt. He's twelve, Kevin, and the world he's known for twelve years is suddenly changing. It's going to take time. He loves you like his father but he has to learn to love you as his father. We are changing everything he's ever believed. I always thought you had come and gone in my life leaving me with such a precious gift. Neither one of us every expected you to find us," I said, reaching up to touch his face, the face that had eluded my dreams for so many years.
"I was meant to find you, Hunter. I was meant to find you and hold you and love you, both of you. If it takes time then so be it. I've got forever and I'm not going anywhere. Not without the two of you," he swore and my heart swelled.
"Do you love me, Kevin?"
"With every moment my heart beats."
"Do you love me because I'm Colt's mother?" I didn't want the answer, but I did. Didn't want to know the truth, but needed to know. Didn't want to have my heart broken but to love him I needed to take the chance.
"I love you because of the way you look at me, talk to me, love me. I love you because of the way you smile, the way you move, the sound of your voice. I love you for loving me even if I left you to raise our son alone. And yes, I love you for being Colt's mother because you've given me this gift I'll never be able to thank you for. I loved you before I knew and I love you now in spite of knowing and I love you because I know it."
Have you ever believed in something so much you can touch it, hear it, feel it, taste it? Something pure emotion that becomes so real it's like a heartbeat, the blood in your veins, the air in you lungs. That's what it felt like to believe in and love Kevin. The love I felt for him was as real as his touch, his eyes, his lips. It was everything for me. He loved me, not because I was Colt's mother, but because I was Hunter as well as Colt's mother.
"He's not here tonight. He's spending the night with some friends," whispered even as I felt myself leaning into him.
"That's a shame," he answered just as his lips brushed mine.
Passion, desire, want, need, longing. They were all words that describe the feeling rushing through me. A feeling I hadn't known in so long.
"Kevin, there are a million things we need to talk about," I said even as I leaned further into his body.
"And there are a million things we need to feel, Hunter. Just tonight. Just give us tonight," he pleaded, touching me, setting me on fire, awakening things I had never felt before.
I looked into those beautiful green eyes and smiled. Taking his hand, I led him back to my room. That's where I lost myself in his touch and he lost himself in mine. I gave us that night.
The sun filtered through the windows the next morning, lighting up my bedroom. I tried to turn over but felt myself weighed down. I opened my eyes to see Kevin sound asleep, his arm wrapped around me.
He looked so peaceful, so calm. Like his world hadn't been completely changed by the knowledge that he was a father. Kevin Richardson was a father. Oh dear God!
He wasn't just a man who had suddenly learned he was a father. He was famous, a Backstreet Boy. His life was built around and image. An image I was going to destroy if I let him tell the world about Colt. How could I not though? How could I ask him not to share his son, to hide him as if he were ashamed of him? But I didn't want him growing up in flashing lights, being stalked by photographers. And how would Kevin explain to the thousand of fans that were so young that he had fathered a child at fourteen?
I was going to ruin his life, his career because of a stupid decision I made as a child, a bad choice made in anger and pain. Was it bad though? Could I call it a bad choice when the result was Colton? I needed to talk to Kevin but I couldn't bear to take him from the peace he was feeling. Quietly, I slid out from beneath him and slipped from the room.
Going into my office, I pulled down all my photo albums. There on the floor I spread them out and watched my son grow up in pictures. His first steps, his first birthday, his first day of school, his first Christmas, his life was captured in the pictures. A life his father hadn't been a part of, a life we had struggled to survive through, a life that had lead us to this point
"He was so beautiful," Kevin whispered.
I looked over my shoulder and smiled up at him before patting the floor by my side. "Sit down. I'll show you your son's life," I offered then proceeded to keep my promise.
For the next three hours I told stories about our son, his birthdays, his firsts, his fears, his achievements, his failures, and his dreams. I shared with him the part of a boy's life he never should have missed, but had because of the paths we were meant to follow in life.
"You're going to get hurt before it's done with. He'll hurt you and your fans will hurt you," I spoke gently later on.
"What are you talking about?" he asked confused.
"You belong to the world and because of that the world will hate you for lying to them, for not knowing or sharing with them the fact that you're a father. They will hate you because they will have to share you with Colt. And Colt will hate you for having to share you with the world. He'll hate that he's finally found you and you belong to millions of other people. They will hate you and they will hurt you," I explained.
"I just want to know my son," he answered back looking at me with his sad eyes.
"And you will and he will love you and respect you and rely on you for the rest of his life. But first he has to hurt you because you've hurt him," I said, reaching out to take Kevin's hand.
"Hurt him? I haven't done anything."
"You have though you never meant to. You didn't know. You left him alone without his father. You let him grow up without you and just when you are saying that you are here for good your fans will take you away. It's the way it works. To forgive you have to get past the pain and to get past it you have to feel it first. I just need you to be prepared, Kevin. I know how much you want this to be perfect but perfect takes time. You're new at this and I want you to know that it's not easy. There will be days he hates you and days you walk on water. It'll hurt and it'll be the most amazing feeling you'll ever know. Just know that when it's all said and done, no matter what he loves you," I assured him.
"You're scaring me," he said and though he was teasing I knew he was really scared.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to. Being a parent is the most amazing thing you'll ever know. It's a feeling that wakes you up in the morning with a smile and puts you to sleep at night with laughter. Peace and joy and serenity all describe it. That feeling you get on stage in front of all those fans? It's nothing compared to being a parent. When you look at him and know you're the reason he's such an amazing person you feel complete. You'll never know anything more wonderful for the rest of you life. I just want you prepared for the hardships. It's not easy raising a child. You learn as much as he does in the process," I added, standing up and pulling Kevin with me. "You want to be a part of his life, of my life? Then be strong enough to stay with us when you feel like you could walk away. Now come on. We've got about two more hours before Colt's suppose to be home," I said, pulling him out of the office.
"Where are we going?" he asked.
"Back to bed," I answered, smiling as I kissed him.
"I've created a monster," he teased even as he swept me up in his arms to carry me the rest of the way.
I never felt more alive than when I was in Kevin's arms, when his lips touched my body. It was new and beautiful and yet something about it touched a familiar spot in me. Like coming home to see home had changed but was still built in the same spot. It was in the way he looked at me, the way he touched my face, the way he held me. They were traces of the boy had had been in the man he had become. A boy who had led me to the man.
"I want him to meet my mother," he said a little while later. "I want you both to meet her. Come home to Kentucky with me?"
"Kevin, we need to know for sure first. We need to do a paternity test to be positive," I said, hoping he wouldn't be hurt.
"I know and I understand that. I still want you to meet her though. If somehow, someway, by some slim chance Colt's not my son by blood I don't care because he is at heart. If he doesn't have my DNA match I still want you two to know Mom. I want her to meet these two beautiful people that I love. Come home to Kentucky with me?" he repeated.
Wrapped in his arms, lying in a bed that I left me alone so many times, I listened to my heart like I listened to it thirteen years ago. My heart said go.
"If Colt wants to go then we will go," I conceded. "Now we need to get up. Colt will be here soon," I said, sitting up.
Kevin pulled me back down and kissed me passionately before looking at me.
"I love you," he whispered. So soft, as if he were afraid the words could shatter.
"I love you too."
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