I stopped the car outside the Dorough home and simply sat there Saturday afternoon. I had driven down with most of my stuff from New York last night. I was tired and achy and scared. But I wasn't going to hide in a hotel room. I wasn't going to hide at all.
I climbed out of the car and headed up to the walk. I hesitated only a moment before opening the door like I had years ago and simply walking in.
"I need a fishing partner. Anyone want to go with me?" I called out.
"K.C.," Poppa called out, wrapping me in his arms. "What are you doing here, little girl?"
"I'm home, Poppa. I gave up New York to take you fishing," I answered, smiling up at him.
"What about your apartment, your job, your life?"
"This is my life, Poppa. I sold my place, quit my job, and came home. I couldn't stay away anymore."
"It's good to have you home, K.C.," he answered, hugging me tightly.
"Are you done hogging my other daughter, Hoke?" Momma asked from behind him.
"I guess," he teased, stepping away to allow Paula access to me.
"Hi, Momma," I greeted, smiling at the tiny woman.
"Hi, little one," she said, hugging me. "I'm so happy you are back."
"Me too. I'm so sorry I left in the first place."
"No, it was something that needed to be done. All that matters is you are home now," she said, brushing back a strand of my hair to smile at me.
"And I'm not leaving again. John is helping me find a place and quick. I'm in a hotel right now. I have to back to New York one more time to finish up a few things but that's it. Plus I need to find a job. I left the Armani Exchange to come back.
"Oh my! Howie loves Armani."
"Yes, I know," I answered, nodding my head. "So how about I take my favorite family out to dinner to celebrate my return?" I suggested.
"Does that include me?"
I looked up at the sound of his voice and my blue eyes met Howie's brown ones as he stood at the end of the hall.
"If you want. You are part of this family," I answered.
"But do you want me there?" he pressed.
"Do you want me to lie to you, Howie?"
"No, I don't want you to lie to me. Not ever."
"Then no, not really. I want to celebrate and all you do is hurt me when we are together. I don't know why, but you do. And that's fine, How, but not when I want to celebrate," I explained.
"If I promise to be good?"
"You aren't too good at keeping, promises, Howie," I pointed out, softly.
"All right, I deserved that. I promise though, Kylie. I won't do anything to hurt you. I just want to be around you," he pleaded.
He looked so forlorn, so heartbroken. I couldn't tell him no when he wanted something so much. I couldn't understand why dinner with me and his family was so important but if he wanted it that much and he didn't do something to hurt me in the process I wouldn't fight him over it.
"All right," I agreed.
There are some things in life that you always imagine you would experience but when you do it is nothing like it should have been. Dinner with Hoke, Paula, and Howie wasn't an uncommon event in my previous years as part of their lives, but this time it was different. If our lives had taken a different path I would have been sitting at that table as their daughter-in-law. Instead of tension we would have felt joy, instead of fear there would have been hope, instead of sadness there would have been love.
I smiled at Paula as she talked about Elizabeth, how beautiful and intelligent she had turned out to be so much like her mother. We talked about Pollyanna's budding career and John's new involvement with Sarah. I told them about working for Armani and what I hoped to find now that I was back in Orlando.
Howie remained silent most of the night, I'm not even sure why he wanted to come since he didn't say much. He simply sat there most of the night watching me with his parents. Maybe he was thinking the same things that filled my mind, things like what could have been, what should have been.
After dinner I took Paula and Hoke home with Howie. At the door Howie stopped me before I tried to leave.
"Will you walk with me?" he asked.
"Where?"
"Where we always go. Anywhere," he answered, holding his hand out to me.
I should have left, should have said no and walked away with what was left of my heart. When he looked at me with those eyes though I didn't have a choice. What was left of my heart refused to let me leave.
"All right," I answered, taking his hand.
It was the first time I had touched him since the night of the fundraiser. How right and comfortable a single gesture could feel after years of anger and hate baffled me.
We walked down the sidewalk for an endless about of time in silence simply being together. How was it that that act alone seemed so much more painful then all the hateful words he could have thrown at me? Because this is what we had let go and would never have the chance to get back.
"Did you ever think about me?" he asked, in the silence of the night.
"Every moment of every day. Even when I tried to tell myself that I wasn't," I answered. I had never lied to him before and I wouldn't start now. "Did you ever think about me?"
"Every moment of every day. Even when I tried to tell myself I wasn't," he echoed my words. Still we didn't look at each other. "Did you ever think about finding me, about coming home?"
"If I ever thought there was a home to come back to I did. You?" I echoed.
"If I thought you would have taken me I would have in a heartbeat, but I thought you hated me," he answered.
"I did. Or at least my pain made me think I did. For six months after Cari died I cried myself to sleep blaming you for my pain. Not for her death but for not being there to make it better," I told him, squeezing his hand gently so he would look up at me. "Do you understand what you did to me?"
He stared at me, lost in my eyes as I lost myself in his. I needed an answer though. I needed to hear his answer.
"Do you understand what you did to me?" I repeated. I knew what I had done to him but I needed to know he knew what he had done to me.
"No," he answered, softly.
"Damn it, How! How can you not understand?" I screamed, jerking my hand free of his.
"Because I don't, Kylie. If you needed me so much then why did YOU leave?" he asked.
"Because you left, Howie. I needed you and you left. For whatever reason you had you left and my pain didn't care if you had to or if you wanted to. All I knew was you were gone and I was dying with the pain. Do you know what losing Caroline did to me?" I demanded.
"Of course I know. I lost her too. She was my sister, Kylie," he yelled back at me.
"That's my point. She was your sister. You lost her your way but I lost her mine. My pain was different than yours, How. Every hope I ever had she gave me, every dream I ever dreamed she believed in, every moment of my life she stood by me. She was more than just my sister, she was my best friend. She made me believe in the world, in you, in myself. I stood with her at her wedding when I was barely more than a child myself. She asked me to be her daughter's Godmother. She helped me make my wedding dress, Howie. She was everything good and pure in my life and when she died I needed you to tell me that all that goodness and pureness hadn't left me. That she was always going to be there and so were you," I tried to explain, choking on the sob caught in my throat.
"It was never about me was it?" he asked finally.
"No, How. It was never about you," I answered.
"All this time, it was never about me, about how I felt, what I did. All this time, it was about Caroline. It was about you losing her, not just in life but entirely."
He was finally beginning to understand.
"You needed me to show you that she wasn't really gone and that you weren't going to lose everyone. You didn't need anyone to show you that. You needed me."
"Please, How. Please, I'm begging you. Please tell me you understand," I pleaded, tears streaming down my face.
He watched me, his eyes clouded in confusion till slowly they began to clear. "I understand."
And then I let my tears fall. For all the wrong choices and mistakes we had made two years ago we finally understood why the other one had made their share of them. It didn't make it right, didn't fix the situation, but finally we understood.
"Don't cry, Kylie," he begged, pulling me into the haven that his arms had always been, the place that soothed my soul. "I never meant to hurt you, to let you down."
"I never meant to hurt you either, How," I answered, holding on to him.
Silence followed our confessions as time stood still for us, until finally Howie spoke again.
"Will you marry me?" he asked softly.
"Howie," I began but the words wouldn't come. I could only look at him.. We still had so much to work out. We couldn't go right back to where we ended like that. It wasn't that easy.
"It can be that easy," he said as if reading my mind. "Do you love me? Do you want to spend the rest of your life in my arms?"
"Yes, Howie. Yes, I do, but I can't say yes. You made the wrong choice two years ago and I made the wrong choices two years ago and because of that we lost the one thing we need to make our love survive."
"What?"
"Trust. Can you look at me and tell me you trust me?"
He didn't answer me. He couldn't answer me because he knew that his answer was going to be what kept us apart and he didn't want that. Just as much as I didn't want that.
"As much as I love you, Howie, I don't trust you anymore and the truth is you don't trust me but you're afraid to say it." I eased myself out of his arms and smiled sadly at him.
"I love you, Kylie. That should be enough," he begged.
"Do you remember our wedding vows, How?"
~~~~~~******~~~~~~~
Five years earlier
"Marry me?" Howie asked in the darkness as we sat outside on the swing in his backyard.
"I thought we already went through this, Howie?" I laughed.
"I mean now, here in front of God and the whole world. Marry me in our hearts," he said, standing up.
"What do you mean?"
"I, Howard Dwayne Dorough, take you Kylie Charity James to be my wife. You are my heart and soul, my every breath and heartbeat. I love you like the sun loves the shine, like the stars like to sparkle. You are my heart and my hope and I will honor you and protect you and love you till there is nothing but heaven in our lives. I trust you with my dreams and my hopes and my life. You give me strength and a hand to hold and I will never let that hand go. You were meant to be with me as much as I was meant to be with you. We are forever, Kylie."
As he spoke his vows the rain started to fall soaking our clothes and mingling with the tears that slipped down my cheeks. But we made no move to go inside.
"I, Kylie Charity James, take you Howard Dwayne Dorough to me my husband. You are my heart and soul, my every breath and heartbeat. With every moment I am alive I love you more and more. With every day that passes my love for you grows the way a flower does. You are every beautiful moment in my life, every precious dream I have. I trust you with my heart and with my soul and with every precious moment in my life. You make my days bright and my nights sweet. You are my hope and my strength in a world that offers so promises but this one. I will love you till there is nothing but heaven in our lives. I was meant to be yours and you were meant to be mine. We are forever, How," I promised.
He took me in his arms then and kissed me sealing our wedding vows as we stood in the rain. No church, no family, no man of God. Just the two of us and the power that had brought us to each other. That was all we needed.
~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Present
"I trust you with my dreams and my hopes and my life," he echoed his long ago spoken vows.
"I trust you with my heart and with my soul and with every precious moment in my life," I echoed my own.
"You broke my trust."
"And you broke mine. Good-bye, How," I whispered, turning slowly and walking away from him for the last time.
I didn't cry when I left him on the sidewalk that night. A tear never fell from my eyes and the sad truth was I didn't want to cry either. It was time to let go, to move on. Howie and I had our time together and now it was time for him to love someone else and for someone else to love him.
A week later John helped me move into my new apartment. Kale and I still talked almost as much as before though her life was still in New York. I got a new job, Sarah and Crissy announced their move to Orlando in December. Though I did have a feeling that their move wouldn't end with them together.. Crissy told me Nick called her almost nightly and I knew John was driving up to see Sarah constantly.
It seemed as if everyone was finding the ones they belonged to while I stayed home with Lazy.
Lazy, Howie had given me that useless cat as a graduation gift when I got my degree in college. Even if I hated him I couldn't let him ago, but the truth was I loved that cat. He was my ever-steady friend, even if he did get in the way most of them. He was one thing in my life I could never seem to drive away. Maybe because he knew I loved him despite his faults. Or maybe because he knew if he left he wouldn't get fed. Either way, he was always there.
Just like he was sitting on my lap when John and Sarah barged in three weeks after Howie and I had said our final good-byes.
"I can't take this anymore, K.C.," John raved as he came through the door with the spare key I had given him in case of an emergency.
"Take what? What's wrong?" I asked, standing and letting Lazy fall into a furry ball on the sofa.
"Howie, is trying us crazy, K.C.," Sarah answered.
"Driving you crazy?" I echoed.
"It's like all the life has gone out of him. He doesn't talk, he doesn't go out, hell even the other guys can't get him out of this funk. What did you do to him, K.C.?" John demanded.
"Nothing, John. We just said good-bye. I haven't seen or talked to him in weeks. I haven't done anything," I defended.
"That's it," Sarah whispered to Howie's brother.
"What?" I asked, confused still.
"You didn't argue, didn't fight, didn't break each other's hearts again?" John asked.
"No. We just parted ways. We realized that it was time to move on, past the hurt and anger, and just get on with our lives," I answered him. "What's it?" I asked Sarah.
"You said good-bye. Even if you hurt him, even if you caused him all the heartache in the world he still had that part of you to hold on to. If he's let go of all that pain and he's let go of you he's got nothing left of the woman he's loved all his life," Sarah explained.
"That's good. Now he can move on and so can I," I said, still not understanding what she was talking about.
"And if he doesn't want to move on?" John asked.
"He needs to. There wasn't any hope for us, John. Besides, he agreed to this," I added.
"No, I didn't."
John and Sarah turned allowing me to see Howie standing in my doorway.
"Yes, you did," I argued softly.
"No, I just let you go again. I screwed up again and didn't go after you when you left. Well, I'm done screwing up, Kylie. I love you. And nothing you say or do can change. I've loved you since I was seven-year-olds and I will love you until there is nothing but heaven in our lives," Howie swore, walking towards me.
"How, we don't trust each other," I pointed out, my voice weak with emotion.
"I trust you. I trust you enough to know that because we messed up last time we learned a lesson that will keep us together forever. I trust you enough to give you my heart again and again until you've broken it every lifetime or loved it every lifetime till time ends. Now all that remains is whether or not you can tell me you love me," he said, holding his hand out to me.
"I don't know how to," I answered.
"You already do, Kylie. You can't love me as much as you do without trusting me. Don't you understand? Open your eyes. You trust me enough to love me, to give me your heart. Can't you trust me enough to keep it for every lifetime until time ends?"
I stared at him, at his hand, at his eyes. I stared at the man I knew as a boy. I saw all his mistakes, all his victories, all his laughter and his tears and I loved all of him. And he loved all of me. I closed my eyes against the imagine of him standing before me, hand offered in forever.
"Open your eyes, Kylie."
Slowly, I did as he asked and, smiling, I took his hand. "I trust you to love me till time ends through every lifetime until then. Please don't let me down, How."
"You and me, Kylie. We are forever," he said, pulling me to him in our first kiss in more than two years. The first of a lifetime yet to kiss.
~~~~~~******~~~~~~
Two years later
"She's perfect," Howie whispered as we stood above our sleeping daughter's bed.
Caroline Charity Dorough was born four years to the day of her aunt Cari's death. Our miracle had her mother's bright red hair and her father's beautiful brown eyes
"Of course she's perfect. She's a Dorough," I answered, smiling at my husband.
"Did I ever tell you that I love you, Kylie?"
"Once or twice."
"I love you, Kylie Dorough."
"I love you too, How."
We were married November 1, 2000 in his parents' backyard. I wore the dress that Caroline and I had made years ago. We promised each other forever and this time when we said the words we knew they were forever.
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