Army of Darkness Transcription - March 1995 - V1.5
(North American theatrical/video Release)
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DINO DeLAURENTIIS COMMUNICATIONS PRESENTS
A RENAISSANCE PICTURES PRODUCTION
[Ash in chains in late Medieval England]
Ash: (Voice Over) My name is Ash and I am a slave. Close as I can figure
it the year is 1300 AD and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't
always like this... I had a real life, once. A job.
[Ash at work in present day S-Mart]
(PA: Ash to price check four.)
(Ash: Umm, hardware isle 12. Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart.)
I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda.
[Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin]
Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems
an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and
study his latest find: Necronomicon ex Mortis, the Book of the Dead.
Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumarrian text
contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon
resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the
living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. It took Linda,
and then it came, for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I
lopped it off at the wrist. But that didn't stop it. It came back.
Big time.
Ash: For God's sake! How do you stop it?!
BRUCE CAMPBELL
VS.
ARMY OF DARKNESS
[Daytime. Ash in late Medieval England in an open field]
Ash: Where in the hell? Now... easy now chief. I don't know how
I got here and uhhh and I'm not lookin' for any trouble.
Sldier:
Arthur: Wiseman!
Wisman: My Lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon.
He who is prophesied to fall from the Heavens and deliver us from
the terrors of the Deadites.
Arthur: What? That buffoon? Likely he's one of Henry's men. I say to the
pit with him!
Men: To the pit! To the pit!
Arthur: To the pit!
Ash: You miserable bastard!
[Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
Sheila: M'Lord Arthur, where is my brother? Did he not ride with you?
Arthur: Aye, and fought valiantly. But last night he fell in battle
to Duke Henry's men. I'm sorry Sheila.
Sheila:
Sldier: Company halt!
Henry: You sir, are not one of my vassals. Who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader
of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mr. Fancy-pants. I got news for you pal, you ain't
leadin' but two things right now. Jack and shit... and Jack left
town.
Arthur: There is an evil awakened in this land... and while my people fight
for their very souls against it, you Henry the Red wage war on us.
Henry: It was you who first turned your swords on us! And this evil has
befouled my people as well.
Henry: Your people are no better than the foul corruption that lies in the
bowels of that pit.
Sldier: Right, you're no better.
Arthur: May God have mercy upon your souls.
Man: In God's name! What Hellspawn lurks there?
Ollady: Into the pit with those bloodthirsty sons of whores!
from the pit> Man: Heavenly God! TwrGrd: He's escaping! shooting him with a crossbow> Ash: Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute. Hold it. W-wait a minute. Y-you gotta understand, man. I-I never even saw these assholes before. Henry you gotta tell 'em you don't know me. We never met. Tell him. Henry: I dunna think he'll listen lad. Ash: Look, I'm telling you. You got the wrong guy. at Ash's head> I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy. pushed into the pit> Ash: Why you. Art: Spikes. GldTth: Hey! He say spikes, give him spikes. Wisman: Make way. Strange one! Strange one! chainsaw to Ash who catches it with his right hand and kills the Deadite> Henry: Yeas! Sheila: Damn you. Damn you. Ash: Alright. Who wants some? Who's next? Huh? How 'bout it? Who wants some? Huh? Who wants to have a little? You. more? Huuuh? You want a little? Do ya? Huh? You want some more? Huh? Huh? Hh! of here. Let 'em go. Henry: Arthur: Halt! Henry: Thank you generous hosts! Arthur: Sword boy! (BOOM) Ash: Yeah. Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up. See this? This is my boomstick! It's a twelve gauge double barreled Remington, S-Mart's top-of-the-line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop Smart. Shop S-mart. Ya got that?! Now I swear, the next one of you primates, even touches me... Ya! (BOOM) (BOOM) Now, let's talk about how I get back home. [Inside the court of Arthur's castle] Ash: (slurp) (burp) (burp) Sheila: I pray thee forgive me, Lord. I believed thee one of Henry's men. Ash: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. a pit> Blow. So what's the deal? Can you send me back or not? Wisman: Only the Necronomicon has the power. An unholy book which we also require. Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time. Only you, the Promised One, can quest for it. Ash: I don't want your book. I don't want your bullshit. Just send me back to my own time. Pronto. Today. Chop- spilled water rushing by his feet> PosWom: You shall die! You shall never obtain the Necronomicon! We shall feast among your souls. Ash: It's a trick. Get an axe. (BOOM) Ash: Yo she-bitch! Wisman: If the Necronomicon fell into the hands of the Deadites, all mankind will be consumed by this evil. Now will art quest for the book? [Inside the Blacksmith's Workshop at Arthur's castle] Ash: That one. Ash: What's the matter? Were you raised in a barn? Shut the door. Probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives. Sheila: The Wisemen say that thou art the Promised One. 'Tis said that thou wilt journey for the book to help us. And that thou will lead our people against the Evil. Ash: The only reason that I'm going to get the book is to get home. Sheila: I believe that thou art be leaving in the morning- Ash: Don't touch that please. Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and... things with molecular structures and the- What are you doing here anyway? Sheila: I wanted to say that all of my... all of my hopes and prayers go with you. And I made this for thee. Ash: Good, I could use a horse blanket. Gimme some sugar baby. [Daytime - On the outskirts of the forest] Ash: What? What is it? Wisman: This path will lead you to an unholy place. A cemetery. There the Necronomicon awaits. When thou retrievest the book from its cradle you must recite the words: Clatto Verata Nicto. Ash: Clatto Verata Nicto. Okay. Wisman: Well repeat them. Ash: Clatto Verata Nicto. Wisman: Again! Ash: I got it! I got it! I know your damn words alright? Now you get this straight, the both of you. If I get that book you send me back. After that, I'm history. Hyeah! [In the forest] Ash: What is it boy? Shyeah! C'mon! Ash: C'mon you! [Inside the windmill] Ash: pieces> TinAsh: Ramming speed! Ash: Wahhhhhh. TinAsh: Ash: Oh... oh... You lousy little... TinAsh: Oh no! Ash: London bridges falling down, falling down, falling down... Hah. a nail> TinAsh: My fair lady. Ha! Ash: Whhhoooaaah! Ash: What a horrible nightmare. Hm-m. Wait a minute. Oh God. I can't move! TinAsh: Open wide! Geronimo! Hooray! Hooray! Ash: Oh.. Ahhh.... ahhh... Okay little fella? How about some hot chocolate? Huh? TinAsh: Wahhshah. Ash: How did you like the taste of that? Ha? How did you like the taste- [Outside the windmill] Ash: Wahhh. Dear God it's growing bigger! body> Otrhed: Ooo... I'm blind. I'm blind. Ash: Where're you taking me? Ash: What are you? Are you me? BadAsh: I'm Bad Ash. And you're Good Ash. You're goody little two shoes. You're goody little two shoes. Goody little two shoes. Little goody two shoes. Little goody two shoes. Little goody two shoes. Little goody two shoes. Little goody two shoes. hits Ash and is pissing him off> Little goody two shoes. Haha! (BOOM) Ash: Good... bad... I'm the guy with the gun. [Inside the windmill] [Outside the windmill] Ash: That'll teach ya... Yeah, that'll teach ya. EvlAsh: You shall never retrieve the Necronomicon. You'll die in the graveyard before you get it. Ash: Hey, what's that you got on your face? EvlAsh: Huh? marking the grave> Ash: Hyeah! C'mon boy! [Ash at the cemetery] the cradle> Ash: Three books? Wait a minute. Hold it. Nobody said anything about three books. Like... like what am I supposed to do? Take-Take one book... or all books... or... or what? Well. shakes it off> Ash: Whoa. Wrong book. Ash: Oh. Oh you... get back to you. Well, seems fairly obvious. reaches for the book> Whoa. Wait a minute. The words. Right, right, right. Say the words. Clatto! Verata! Nn... Necktie, necturn, nickle... noodle. It's an 'n' word. It's definitely an 'n' word. Okay then. That's it. I said the words. I did! [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] Arthur: You seek cover. To the parapet. Seek your children. Steady the horses. Wisman: Something's wrong. Something's amiss. [Ash at the cemetery] Ash: I'll crush ya! I'll mash you to pieces you bony cr- [Ash mounted on his horse riding through the forest] Ash: Chyeah! I'm through bein' their garbage boy. I did my part. Now I want back. Like in the deal. Chyeah! [Outside the windmill] EvlAsh: I live... again. [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] GldTth: There! The Promised One! The Promised One's returned! Crowd: Necronomicon! Ash: Alright... yeah... Great, great. Get the fuck out of my face. Wisman: The Necronomicon quickly. Did you bring the Necronomicon? Ash: Yeah. It's... it's just that... Wisman: Just what? Ash: Nothin'. Here. Now send me back, like in the deal. Wisman: When you removed the Necronomicon from the cradle, did you speak the words? Ash: Yeah... basically. Wisman: Did you speak the exact words? Ash: Look. Maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no. But basically I said them, yeah. Wisman: Dung eating fool! Thou hast doomed us all! When thou misspoke the words, the Army of the Dead awoke. Ash: Now whoa, whoa, whoa, right there spinach chin. You said that you could clean this mess up once you got that book. You said that there was a passage in there that could get rid of this thing and send me back. Wisman: It's true the book still posses the power to send you back but to us, it is useless. The Evil has a terrible hunger for the Necronomicon and it will come here to get it. Ash: We had a deal. You wanted the damn book. I got it for you. I did my part now you send me back. Arthur: Very well, as we are men of our word we shall honour our... bargain. The Wisemen shall return you to your own time. Ash: Man: I thought he was the One. Ash: Yeah right, because... that was the deal. So? When do you think we can start with all the thing... and the... course. When do you think we can start with all the... ceremony and the... Wisman: Wretched excuse for a man. Arthur: The Wisemen were fools to trust in you. Sldier: I knew he couldn't be trusted. Sheila: I still believe that thou wilt help us. Ash: Ah Shiela, don't you get it? It's over. I didn't have what it took. So long... Sheila: But what of the things we've shared? What of all the sweet words that you spoke in private? Ash: Ohwell... Oh that's just what we call pillow talk baby, that's all. Sheila: It was more than that! I still have faith in thee. I still believe that thou will stay and save us. Sheila: Ash! Help me! Ash: Sheila! Arthur: Hold your arms! You'll hit the girl. Ash: Damn you! [At the cemetery] EvlAsh: Dig damn you. Dig faster! I shall command every worm infested son of a bitch that ever died in battle. Sklton: Thank you sir. EvlAsh: You there! Handsomely now. Sklton: Yes My Liege. EvlAsh: We shall storm their castle and get my book. Sklton: Welcome back to the land of the livin'. Now pick up a shovel and get digging. Sklton: Bring on the wench. EvlAsh: little thing. Sheila: Don't touch me you foul thing. EvlAsh: C'mon... that's it. Sklton: We got plans for you girly girl. [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] TwrGrd: Our scout approaches! GldTth: Get his horse. Arthur: Arise. Scout: My Lord. An army of the dead gather in the wilderness and they approach the castle. Arthur: How far from here? Scout: But two days ride. Arthur: Then these winged ones are only the first of them. Wisman: Perhaps we should leave this place as soon as possible. Blksmt: We could be safe in the hills. Sldier: Yes! Yes! The mountains! We must flee! Wisman: It is written Arthur. It has been foretold. Blksmt: They'll take our souls. Sldier: I'm afraid. Blksmt: They'll swallow our souls. Sldier: I don't want to die. (BOOM) Ash: That's it. Go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama. Me! I'm through runnin'. I say we stay here and fight it out! Arthur: Are all men from the future loud mouth braggarts? Ash: Nope. Just me baby... just me. Arthur: How will we fight an army of the dead at our castle walls? How will you fight that? More words? Most of our people have already fled! We are but sixty men. Ash: Then we'll get Henry the Red and his men to fight with us. Now... Who's with me? Blksmt: I'll stand by ya. Man: You can count on my steel. Sldier: I'll offer up my courage. GldTth: Me sword's by his side. Sldier: I'm with you. ChArch: Aye, my bow to ya will sir. Crowd: [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle] EvlAsh: Well my dear, say hello to the boys. Sklton: There's a sight for sore bones. EvShla: I may be bad... but I feel good. EvlAsh: Who rules? Sklton: You my lord! To the castle! [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] Deathcoaster, gunpowder and teaches Kung Fu> [Nighttime - Inside the walls of Arthur's castle] Scout: They're coming! The Deadites approach! Ash: There's so damn many of them. Maybe... just maybe my boys can stop them from gettin' the book. Yeah, maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot. [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle] [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] Ash: Battlestations! I'd get those rocks up mister on the double! Ready the catapults! By God let's give them what for! [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle] Sklton: Company halt. Sklton: Company halt. (I'll rip his bones out.) EvlAsh: Bring forth the scout. Sklcap: M'Lord, we are positioned on both fronts. EvlAsh: Fine, fine, fine. Where are they keeping my book? Sklcap: There My Lord, beyond the wall, the parapet, that'll be the most likely place. EvlAsh: Right, bring me forth into that castle. Sklton: Forward! Forward! Cry havoc and unloose the Dogs of War! To the castle! Death to the mortals! [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] Ash: Arrows. Arthur: Torch boy! to give the command as their wicks burn shorter and shorter> Ash: Steady. Arthur: Fire! [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle] EvlAsh: Oh. Oh. [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] Ash: Heeeere baaaaaayby! GldTth: Alright! Ha Ha Ha. Sldier: south. [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle] Sklton: Ram the gates! [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] Ash: Catapults. Arthur: Catapults south! [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle] Sklton: Seek cover! Watch out! Make way! EvlAsh: Oh! Oh you miserable bags of bones. Pick yourselves up and sally fo(yroh)! Sally fo(yroh)! Sally forth. Sklton: C'mon you miserable wretches. Forward! [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] Arthur: Buttress the door... now! Ash: Rocks! Ash: Ooooo that's gotta hurt! [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle] EvlAsh: Oh you cretins! Arrows. Sklton: Fire. Sklton: Put your backbones into it. We've broken through, the castle is ours! Kill the mortals! Their ranks are broken! [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] Arthur: Move back. Man the parapet! Protect the book. God save us all. Ash: Say hello to the 21st century. Yeah! C'mon! I got plenty for Bye bye. (BOOM) Ash: Huh? Sheila? explodes> Sklton: We've secured the courtyard M'Lord. EvlAsh: Excellent. Sklton: You're mine sweety. Ash: Get off of her. Arthur: Damn you. Sldier: My Lord! Arthur: Stay with the book. TwrGrd: The Red! The Red! Duke Henry and his men have come! [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle] towards the castle> Henry: Blows, blood and death! Sldier: It's Henry. Haha! Henry: Onward valiant cousins. Their ranks are broke. [On the parapet in Arthur's castle] EvlAsh: Ooops. Hello. There ya go. Sklton: Ash: EvlAsh: Get him! Ash: Awwh! Awwh! Ya crazy bitch! Get off me! EvShla: You found me beautiful once. Ash: Honey, you got real ugly. EvlAsh: through Evil Ash's body> You wanna play rough eh? Okay. EvlAsh: Prepare to die. EvlAsh: You're going down. Ash: I'm going up. EvlAsh: I'm coming for ya. You're pissing me off you ugly son of a bitch. EvlAsh: I'll spoil those good looks. Backstabber. Hold still. Ash: Tally ho! Sldier: We can't hold the battlements! Arthur: We will hold. We must protect the book. EvlAsh: I gotta bone to pick with you. C'mon. with a lighted wick next to him> EvlAsh: At last, the book. I posses the Necronomicon. I've crushed your pathetic army. Now I'll have my vengeance. sending Evil Ash into the sky> Ash: Buckle-up bonehead, because you're going for a ride. EvlAsh: Huh? Nwooooh. Ahhhhh! (BOOM) Sldier: Victory is ours! Sklton: Retreat! Retreat! Let's get the hell out of here! [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle] the crowd cheers> Ash: Hey Henry, you had us going. Henry: My Lady. Ash: Arthur. Arthur: Well won my friend. Henry: We've won the day! Yaaaaay! Sldier: We're brothers then. A new kingdom shall be born! [Inside the court of Arthur's castle] Wisman: The book tells us that once you drink this liq
