HOLLYWOOD RIDING HOOD

SETTING: a movie theater

(The stage curtains open, and lights go up on stage R. Two rows of chairs--at least five in front and three directly in back--are present. Sitting in the back row are GENE and ROGER. GENE is sitting on the end chair towards R., and ROGER is sitting at the end chair towards L. [assuming there are only two in the back] GENE is wearing a suit coat, and ROGER is wearing a sweater vest and glasses. Both are sitting back and looking, past the audience, at a movie screen. As the lights go all the way up, GENE sits up and looks toward the audience as if they are television cameras.)

GENE: Hello, I'm Gene Siskel.
ROGER: (also sitting up and looking toward the audience) And I'm Roger Ebert.
GENE: Tonight we'll be reviewing a new fairy tale called "Little Red Riding Hood".
ROGER: It's the story of a young girl who is seduced by the charming personality of a vicious wolf.
GENE: The story starts out with Red Riding Hood, played by actress Demi Moore, on her way to her grandma's house for a friendly visit.
ROGER: On her way, she meets the Big Bad Wolf, played by O.J. Simpson, who manages to find out where she's going. Here's a clip....

(As ROGER finishes his line, the lights go down on stage R. As this happens, the lights go up on stage L., where DEMI is standing. She is wearing a long, red-hooded cape that covers up most of her body. She is standing next to a coat rack that has leaves taped onto it to make it look like a tree. O.J. walks from upstage C. into the light, and stops next to DEMI. He is wearing a long, dark coat, a black ski hat, and black leather gloves.)

O.J.: Hey, baby, aren't you that Little Red girl from down the street?
DEMI: Why, yes... (She takes off her cape to reveal a red bathing suit that shows her legs, her thighs, and an ample amount of cleavage.) ...I am. (She hangs the cape on the coat rack.)
O.J.: Well, where ya goin', honey?
DEMI: To my grandma's house. (As she says the next line, she points out L.) I'm just stopping here under this waterfall to take a shower so that everyone can see my bare breasts.
O.J.: That's cool. See ya. (He begins to walk away.)
DEMI: Bye.
O.J.: (stops, looks back at DEMI, and then, holding his hand beside his mouth so she can't see it, shouts out toward stage R.) Come on, A.C., we goin' to Grandma's house. If I'm gonna get my hands on Little Red, I gotta eighty-six the old b_tch!

(As O.J. moves upstage C. away from the light, stage L. goes dark. The lights on stage R. go back up. GENE and ROGER are still sitting in their chairs, looking out toward the audience.)

GENE: Following this conversation is a very over-dramatic scene in which the wolf captures the grandmother, throws her into the back of a white Ford Bronco, and has A.C. drive her off the edge of an exploding bridge.
ROGER: After that, we see Red Riding Hood entering the grandmother's bedroom only to find the wolf in disguise....

(As ROGER says this, the lights on stage R. go down. The lights on stage L. go up to reveal O.J. lying in bed. He is wearing a nightgown instead of his long, dark coat, though he is still wearing his gloves and his hat. In his downstage hand, he is seen holding a large knife. DEMI, wearing her cape again, rises up from behind the bed.)

DEMI: (looking at O.J. with curious eyes) Grandma! What a big nose you have! (She points at his nose.)
O.J.: The better to smell you with, baby.
DEMI: And--Grandma!--what big hands you have! (She holds up his upstage hand and looks at it.) O.J.: The harder it is for me to put these gloves on, baby!
DEMI: (putting his hand down) And--Oh, Grandma!--what a big knife you have! (She points at the knife in his other hand.)
O.J.: (springing from the bed, waving his fists) The easier it is for me to cut yo' ass up!

(As DEMI jumps back and screams, the lights go down on stage L. They go back up on stage R., where GENE and ROGER are still sitting.)

GENE: After that scene, the story just gets confusing as the wolf chases Red Riding Hood through a variety of places: a tall building, an airport, a bus station, even back through time!
ROGER: The scenes are done utilizing a series of expensive stunts and special effects that let up only once in a while to let Red Riding Hood take a shower so that everyone can see her bare breasts.
GENE: Eventually, the wolf catches her and takes her to the edge of the Grand Canyon, where he intends to throw her off the edge unless she gives in to his lusty demands.
ROGER: But before he can do anything, he meets up with the Friendly Woodsman, who is played by Bruce Willis. During this scene, we find that the Woodsman was an old army buddy from the wolf's past....

(The lights go down on stage R., and they go up on stage L. O.J. and DEMI are standing at the edge of the stage. Both are wearing the same clothes that they wore in the bedroom scene, including the nightgown. O.J. is holding his knife to DEMI's throat. Next to them is BRUCE, who is holding a machine gun. BRUCE is wearing a sleveless white T-shirt and blue jeans, both with rips in them.)

BRUCE: (shouting) Let her go, a__hole!
O.J.: (also shouting) Back off, a__hole, this ain't about you!
BRUCE: I think it is, a__hole. Remember when we invaded "Snow White" back in '68? You tried to take out all seven of those dwarves by yourself, and you got all pissed off at me for draggin' your ass outta there!
O.J.: Hey, a__hole, I could've taken 'em!
BRUCE: That's bullsh_t, man! Sneezy had your face against the wall of the f_ckin' cottage! If I hadn't done somethin', he would've gotten sneeze germs all over you!
O.J.: (shaking and getting more angry as he talks) Bullsh_t! You're always tryin' to be the hero, man, always! I never get the chance! You're always gettin' those medals and sh_t, man! What about me, motherf_cker? Huh? Huh, motherf_cker? What about me, huh, motherf_cker? You motherf_cker! You f_ckin' motherf_cker! F_cker! F_ckin' f_cker! You f_cker! You f_ck! You f_cking f_ck! You f_cking f_cky f_ck, f_ck, f_ck, f_ck, f_cky, f_ckle, f_cker...uh... (he pauses momentarily to think of another word) ...f_ck!!!
BRUCE: (after a brief pause) F_ck you, man.
O.J.: F_ck me? F_ck me?? (He lets go of DEMI and starts running towards BRUCE.) F_ck you man! F_ck you, man!! (He drops the knife and grabs BRUCE by the shoulders.) F_ck you!!! (Loud gunshots are heard, the lights go out, and O.J. is heard shouting...) Awww...f_ck!!!

(The lights go back up at stage R., where GENE and ROGER are still sitting.)

GENE: With the wolf dead, the movie ends, predictably, with Red Riding Hood and the Friendly Woodsman riding each other off into the sunset.... (GENE freezes for a moment, then turns his head to see ROGER reading a book. Seeing this, GENE slaps ROGER on the arm. This startles ROGER, who puts his book down and turns his attention back towards the audience. GENE does the same, and the lights on stage R. go out.)

(The lights go back up on stage L., where BRUCE is standing next to DEMI. BRUCE looks exhausted and relieved, and DEMI is giving him a sultry gaze.)

DEMI: (strutting towards BRUCE) Oh, Mr. Woodsman! How can I ever thank you from saving me from that wolf?
BRUCE: How about marrying me?
DEMI: Okay, but first... (She takes off her cape and drops it on the floor.) ...why don't we make love right here so that everyone can see my bare breasts?
BRUCE: (taking DEMI into his arms) Yippy-ki-yay, baby!

(As they kiss, the lights over stage L. go down, and the lights over stage R. go up. GENE and ROGER are, as always, sitting down.)

GENE: And that was "Little Red Riding Hood", a story with so much potential, but very little to say intellectually. I had to give it a "thumbs down".
ROGER: (turning to GENE as GENE turns to him) Well, Gene, I have to disagree with you because I think it said a lot. It said, "Don't talk to strangers"; it said, "Looks can be decieving"; and, most importantly, it said, "Hey! Look at this woman's bare breasts! This woman has really great bare breasts!" And there, I think, is where this story exceeds the conventions of the standard fairy tale.
GENE: I'm sorry, Roger, but I found it pretty ordinary.
ROGER: Ordinary? Didn't you see those bare breasts?
GENE: I thought they were pretty ordinary. They reminded me too much of Sharon Stone's bare breasts in "Cinderella". I got bored with them very quickly.
ROGER: Well, I found them to be spectacular, and I'm sure we can expect to see her bare breasts in many more fairy tales to come. "Thumbs up" all the way.
GENE: (annoyed) I'll give you a thumb up all the way. (He turns back toward the audience, and so does ROGER.) And with that said, it's time to end the show. Next week, we'll be reviewing Jean-Claude Van Damme and Cindy Crawford in "Hansel and Gretel", a story about a young girl who saves her brother from being eaten by a witch, while showing everybody her bare breasts.
ROGER: That's next week, and until then, the balcony is closed.

(GENE and ROGER turn back toward each other. After a brief pause, ROGER lunges at GENE and begins choking him. As that happens, GENE reaches his arms out to choke ROGER, and both start grumbling "F_ck you" at each other. The audience only sees a few seconds of this before the lights go down.)

REQUIRED COSTUMES/PROPS:

Chairs (at least eight of the same kind)
Suit coat
Sweater vest
Pair of glasses
Coat rack with leaves taped on
Red hood and cape
Red swimsuit (one- or two-piece)
Long, dark coat (maybe fake fur)
Black ski hat
Black leather gloves
Nightgown (preferrably pink)
Bed or bed-like structure
Blanket and pillow for bed
Big knife (fake, please)
Big gun (fake, please)
Book (or magazine)
Sleeveless white T-shirt (ripped)
Blue jeans (ripped)

TIPS AND IDEAS: For a more humorous effect, the actors could wear masks made partially from enlarged photos of the faces of the actual stars and celebrities being portrayed.

PUBLICATION: Scop (literary magazine), 19th edition, April 1996, Corning Community College.

HISTORY: This parody started out as a fluke writing assignment for my Fall 1995 writing class at CCC. The assignment called for an alterred version of a well-known story. I had written it, without stage directions, on the night before it was due. It was done in about an hour, and had virtually the same dialogue as the subsequent play version, minus much of the cursing.
I didn't think much of the writing when I handed it in, even when it got a 9.2 (out of 10) for a grade. In fact, I was shocked that it got me a higher grade than a number of other writings I had done up to that point. Anyway, after showing it to a few people (who thought it was really funny), I decided to leave it alone.
But then came the following semester (Spring 1996), and I needed to hand in a one-act play for my new writing class. Out of good ideas at the moment, I decided to refer to my fractured fairy tale from the previous semester. Once again, I was putting it together for a lack of anything better to hand in.
Nonetheless, it was entered into the campus literary contest, where it won second place (a cash prize of $20).
Becuase of its now-high status, it was published in the literary magazine, which was originally only going to have one or two poems of mine, and a short story I had also written. In the end, the "Ridinghood" play, four of my poems ("I am the Night", "Jaded", and two haiku), a drawing, and my short story ("Sympathetic Fantasy", which featured the poem of the same name) were published into the literary magazine that year.
The play itself was written with current events (i.e. O.J. Simpson's recently-finished first murder trial) in mind. But the emphasis was also on current trends in Hollywood movies, including insanely-high budgets, over-indulgent stunts and special effects, curse-ridden dialogue, and the bastardization of famous books.
The play was ultimately inspired by a recent episode of "Siskel & Ebert" in which the two critics bashed a celluloid bastardization of the book, "The Scarlett Letter". The movie version starred high-paid actress Demi Moore (and her breasts), who was later in "Striptease", a movie about a woman who shows everyone her bare breasts.
Hooray for Hollwood.