Downcast Eyes
"You can only be you. A lot of times it's never enough for people."
~ Tori Amos
The rape and sexual abuse of men and boys is a topic not much discussed, much less dealt with, in society. It is a very common belief, especially among men, that if you have been raped or sexually abused, then you are somehow less of a man. How tragic, that women are allowed to work through and survive their violations, and men are simply meant to pretend like it never happened and "be a man". Only by men who *have* been raped and sexually abused speaking out about the violation of men, will the silence ever be broken, and the cycles of thought ever changed. And in my opinion, a man who has survived rape or sexual abuse is no less of a man because of it. In fact, I believe quite the opposite. I think it makes them *more* of a man.
Most people don't think that men can suffer from sexual violence. They don't realize that one in six boys is sexually abused
before age 18. Women do experience considerably more sexual violence than men, and I have no intention of comparing this
here. I merely would like to explain what it is like to be a male survivor of sexual violence.
I have several different situations, instead of one continuous one. My earliest sexual experience was a man in a public restroom
trying to get me to touch his genitalia when I was about 7. At about 11, I was on a Navy base with the Navy's Sea Cadet
Corps, and a guy held me down and tried to make me give oral sex to another guy while a third guy photographed. At 13, I
was on a Navy ship with the Sea Cadets and a sailor tried to get me to jerk him off. When I refused (everyday for my two
weeks on the ship) he threatened to find me when I was alone. (And they said that was just a stereotype about sailors...)
Last fall I was raped by a female friend of mine. We had been friends for two or three years, and he was jealous that I had a
girlfriend. She drove five hundred miles to my college to visit, and when I told her that I would find a place for her to stay, she
asked if she could stay in my dorm. I told her that it wasn't a good idea, but that maybe one of the girls on my floor would let
her stay there. She asked what was wrong with my room, and I told her that she could sleep in my bed and I'd take the floor.
That night, she told me that she'd rather if we just shared the bed, and I reminded her that I had a girlfriend, and that if I shared
the bed nothing could happen. Around midnight or so, she rolled over on top of me and asked if my girlfriend had ever given
me a blowjob. I asked why it mattered, and she told me that she could show me things that "that little girl" couldn't. I told her
no thanks, but she started anyway. I told her to stop and she shook her head "no". I zoned out - in other words, my body was
numb and my mind was far, far away while other things were happening. I was brought back to my body by a painful scraping
feeling of her teeth, and then I more forcefully told her to stop because it hurt. She said she couldn't open her mouth any wider,
and I lapsed back out into the trance again, for the rest of the night. At some point after she was done, I remember her telling
me that what I felt for her was true love, and what I felt for my girlfriend was just infatuation. It took me almost two months to
realize that that was rape. I was active in the anti-rape movement on my campus, and it was at a men stopping rape meeting
that I realized that I did say no to that sexual contact yet it happened anyway.
I haven't told too many people about this. I told some friends, and they congratulated me on getting a free blow job. One
friend compared it to the time he got his penis caught in his zipper. The only person who has really understood me is my
girlfriend Christine, who has been with me for over a year and half now. At first even she blamed me, but she realized later that
I couldn't do much otherwise in that situation. Oddly, at the exact moment I was being assaulted, Christine was 500 miles
away, hanging out with some of our friends (if you're confused, I went to school away from home, and I knew Christine and
my attacker from home). She suddenly started crying for no reason at all, and our friends thought she was nuts. She knew
what was happening.
I have since recovered from this, and even got past the zoning out problem. I had a really good therapist at school, and
Christine and I went through the "Courage to Heal" book. She has a story much worse than mine, and maybe she'll put hers up
here too. She helped me through everything, and beyond. I owe her my life for that. My attacker called me this summer to ask
why I had been ignoring her for almost a year, and I finally told her my feelings on it. At first she told me how she was trying to
use oral sex to break an evil spell that had been cast upon me, but I told her to cut the crap. She then told me how she thought
that I was unhappy with Christine, so she was trying to show me what I deserved, or something like that. I reminded her that I
said no, and meant it - and then she cried. She agreed to stay out of my life, and has since then. From time to time, I flashback
when I'm with Christine, but she understands and is gentle with me.
So, I hope that this has given you some insight on male sexual violence. Again, I don't mean to downplay the violence that
women suffer in any way. I was lucky - no one put a gun to my head, and my life wasn't in danger. Some men are raped by
men, and I can only imagine the pain that they must feel. Sexual violence has to stop - it is increasing so rapidly that almost
every woman will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime now. Thank you for reading.
Please feel free to e-mail me at sjmigdol@juno.com with your questions, comments, or concerns.
Links
National Organization of Male Sexual Victimization
Sexual Abuse of Males
Time To Tell The World
Warriors of the Heart
