Masochistic Intent
"You can't have your body without your shadow."
~ Tori Amos



I have been a self injurer for nearly five years. I struggle so hard to understand my sickness, to make sense of why it is that I feel the need to hurt myself. Something about the pain. About scarring my body. Feeling like I need to be punished, although I'm never quite sure what for. I know so many young women who have/do self injure. it is becoming something of an epidemic among sexual assault survivors, and so few people get it. I have accepted my self injury, because it is a part of who I am. I don't have to like the girl that hides inside waiting to tell me I deserve to bleed or burn, but I accept her. That has been such a journey for me, and I believe it is one of the first steps in healing.



How do you know if you self-injure? It sounds like a strange question to some, but a few people aren't sure if what they do is "really" self-injury. Answer these questions:

1.Do you deliberately cause physical harm to yourself to the extent of causing tissue damage (breaking the skin, bruising, leaving marks that last for more than an hour)?
2.Do you cause this harm to yourself as a way of dealing with unpleasant or overwhelming emotions, obsessive thoughts, or dissociation?
3.If your self-harm is not compulsive, do you often think about SI even when you're relatively calm and not doing it at the moment?

If you answer #1 and #2 yes, you are a self-injurer. If you answer #3 yes, you are most likely a repetitive self-injurer. The way you choose to hurt yourself could be cutting, hitting, burning, scratching, skin-picking, banging your head, breaking bones, not letting wounds heal, etc. How you do it isn't as important as recognizing that you do.

Self-injurious behavior does not necessarily mean you were an abused child. It usually indicates that somewhere along the line, you didn't learn good ways of coping with overwhelming feelings. You're not a disgusting sicko; you're undereducated. My intent in these pages is to educate, to inform and, most of all, to help those who hurt themselves understand that they're not crazy or freaks or evil. They're human, people in pain who have developed a coping mechanism that, while maladaptive in terms of the "real" world, works for them. Although learning other, better ways to cope is an admirable end goal, beating yourself up emotionally for hurting yourself physically just perpetuates a vicious cycle.


Some alternatives to self-injury
What are you feeling?


angry, frustrated, restless


Try something physical and violent, something not directed at a living thing:

Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock.
Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at. Cut and tear it instead of yourself.
Flatten aluminum cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go. Hit a punching bag.
Use a pillow to hit a wall, pillow-fight style.
Rip up an old newspaper or phone book.
On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture.
Make Play-Doh or Sculpey or other clay models and cut or smash them.
Throw ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to shatter it.
Break sticks.
Crank up the music and dance.
Clean your room (or your whole house).
Go for a walk/jog/run.
Stomp around in heavy shoes.
Play handball or tennis.


sad, soft, melancholy, depressed, unhappy


Do something slow and soothing, like taking a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles, curling up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book, babying yourself somehow. Do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted. Light sweet-smelling incense. Listen to soothing music. Smooth nice body lotion into the parts or yourself you want to hurt. Call a friend and just talk about things that you like. Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read. Visit a friend.


craving sensation, feeling depersonalized, dissociating, feeling unreal


Do something that creates a sharp physical sensation:

Squeeze ice hard (this really hurts). (Note: putting ice on a spot you want to burn gives you a strong painful sensation and leaves a red mark afterward, kind of like burning would.)
Put a finger into a frozen food (like ice cream) for a minute.
Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of gingerroot.
Rub liniment under your nose.
Slap a tabletop hard.
Snap your wrist with a rubber band.
Take a cold bath.
Stomp your feet on the ground.
Focus on how it feels to breathe. Notice the way your chest and stomach move with each breath.

[NOTE: Some people report that being online while dissociating increases their sense of unreality; be cautious about logging on in a dissociative state until you know how it affects you.]


wanting focus


Do a task (a computer game like tetris or minesweeper, writing a computer program, needlework, etc) that is exacting and requires focus and concentration.

Eat a raisin mindfully. Pick it up, noticing how it feels in your hand. Look at it carefully; see the asymmetries and think about the changes the grape went through. Roll the raisin in your fingers and notice the texture; try to describe it. Bring the raisin up to your mouth, paying attention to how it feels to move your hand that way. Smell the raisin; what does it remind you of? How does a raisin smell? Notice that you're beginning to salivate, and see how that feels. Open your mouth and put the raisin in, taking time to think about how the raisin feels to your tongue. Chew slowly, noticing how the texture and even the taste of the raisin change as you chew it. Are there little seeds or stems? How is the inside different from the outside? Finally, swallow.

Choose an object in the room. Examine it carefully and then write as detailed a description of it as you can. Include everything: size, weight, texture, shape, color, possible uses, feel, etc.

Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses for it.

Pick a subject and research it on the web.

Try some of the games and distractions at digibeet's page; she's assembled a lot of distractions.


wanting to see blood


Draw on yourself with a red felt-tip pen.

Take a small bottle of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by dropping it into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place you want to cut. Draw the bottle in a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food color trickle out.

Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice that you've made by dropping six or seven drops of red food color into each of the ice-cube tray wells.

Paint yourself with red tempera paint.


wanting to see scars or pick scabs


Get a henna tattoo kit. You put the henna on as a paste and leave it overnight; the next day you can pick it off as you would a scab and it leaves an orange-red mark behind.



Another thing that helps sometimes is the fifteen-minute game. Tell yourself that if you still want to harm yourself in 15 minutes, you can. When the time is up, see if you can go another 15. I've been able to get through a whole night that way before.


All information and suggestions taken from here.


For more information on Self-Injury visit these sites:

Secret Shame ~ Self Injury Information And Support

Cutters (queer pagan punks)

Roses and Thorns

Pale Green Stars: Fade