Unconscious Screams
"Healing for me is being able to sit next to the butcher and say, 'Yes, I'm sitting next to the butcher now,' instead of saying 'There is no butcher.' Well, there definitely is one!"
~ Tori Amos


I believe that dreams are the mind's way of sorting things out. They are often obscure, and confusing. But I have always found that my dreams are telling me something I need to know. There is a quote I once heard on a television program: "Dreams are the answers to questions we haven't yet learned how to ask."


I had a very strange dream last night about Tori. I went to two, maybe three, shows, and they were all in high school auditorium type theaters. I was in the very front for all of them, but for the last one I was actually in between the barricades and the stage. The curtains were red and made of a very burlapy sort of material, and I peeked through at one point, and saw Tori dash onto the stage like she was late. She was wearing a bright sky-bluish button-up men's shirt with black capri pants. She looked very comfortable. She opened with that song that I believe is called Somewhere (I know it's from a musical, but I can't remember which one, and Barbra Streisand did a cover of it). There was this evil girl in the audience, who I had apparently known my whole life, but she hated me. She kept yelling at me and saying nasty things before the show. And I kept getting irritated because she kept getting closer to the stage, and I thought she didn't deserve to have a good spot. During the show, I yelled for Tori to do Caught A Lite Sneeze, and she said something about how CALS had already made an appearance at the show the night before. A couple of hours later we (not sure who "we" was, but I was definitely in a small goup of people) were all in the auditorium, and Tori had come out on stage to do some stuff, and I was to the right side of the stage. She dropped something that was made of glass, and it shattered. I went to help her clean it up, and I asked her if she had a minute. She told me that of course she did. I told her I was very sorry for yelling out the song request while she was telling a story, that I didn't know what had come over me. She told me it was okay. Then I asked her if she remembered a red notebook from the Concord meet and greet (I gave her a little notebook thing with a letter, a Winnie-The-Pooh picture I colored, and some of my poetry at the Concord show.), and I was about to tell her what was inside to jog her memory, when she interrupted and said, "The Tori Book." (I had written Tori on the cover of it and drawn some little doodles.) I said that that was it, and then she said, in a very sarcastic 'duh' sort of tone, "Do I remember it...". I remember being very excited, and then she actually pulled it out of her bag. She opened it up and started to flip through the pages. She went past the letter, and where the Pooh Bear picture should have been there was something with a lot of blue in it. And then right after that, before the poems, there were some flim clips. Except they were on paper. They were actual little movies that you could watch on a piece of paper. There were quite a few. And they were very weird. They appeared to be like security camera type clips from what looked like it should have been different bank robberies and convenience store hold-ups. But they had something to do with rape, and both Tori and I were watching the clips and sort of disgusted with the whole thing. I'm not sure what the clips were, or why I would have given them to Tori, but I did. And then, right before she turned the page to my writing, I woke up. And somewhere between the beggining of the dream and the end, there was a different part. Or maybe it was an entirely different dream, except that evil girl was in it. I think it was in between the end of the show and when I was talking to Tori. I was in this sort of basement type place, but it was still a room, with carpeting and stuff. There was this guy, that in the dream I knew, but I have no clue who he was. We were sitting around, doing shots of something, and we kept making out, and I was on top of him. We were kissing, and I remember for one kiss his mouth was soft, and then the next time it felt like metal. We kept stopping because he had things he had to get done. I was upset because I was very horny. At one point the evil girl came in with two other girls. She was yelling at me again, and saying mean things, and then she went to go out the door, and the guy threw a pile of laundry at her, and included in that pile was a pair of white underwear with purple flowers on them that were mine. After she left we were both leaning up against the wall, and he was fiddling with something and I was pouting because he wouldn't have sex with me. He told me if I could just wait a few more minutes then we could finish and we wouldn't have to stop any more. But I don't remember actually having sex with him.