Unfiltered Insanity
"I was in absolute horror that I allowed myself to be raped. Blood Roses is the on-the-knees version of that, the ripped-open veins and the blood dripping, going, 'Why is it my fault now?'"
~ Tori Amos
Thought it was time for a journal. There is so much I feel that I can only speak in written words. They mean everything, and yet nothing. They stand for one second in time. That one second that I wrote them. And they mean nothing else. Please don't take anything said here for face value. I often write in irrational and insane moments. Take these thoughts for what they are: reflections of my sometimes certifiability. Nothing more. And don't expect any of it to make sense. It most likely won't. Sometimes I don't even get it.
Old Entries
september 28th 2001
my manifesto of sorts. i figured it would be somewhat difficult
getting where i want to go if i don't know where that is. i'm drawing myself a map.
we are all divine products of the universe. i am divine, comprised
of divine parts, of beauty and tragedy sinfully delicious in their
dance for balance. i feel much sorrow for this version of myself
that is dying, but just as change is inevitable, i know that the
birth that comes with her demise will be amazing and brilliant and
i will become the divine being i have forgotten how to be.
i am worthy of joy. i will release guilt, doubt, punishment and
the burdens of the world i have chosen to exist within. the flame
of the single candle in front of me reminds me of the light i hold
inside. i will release the shadow, be conscious of the darkness,
but ultimately choose to dismiss it from my heart, take in everything
the world gives me, but keep only that which will help me to attain
my divinity and accept myself as a direct product of the universe,
with an obligation to myself to find joy and spread it out into the ethers.
this too shall pass, and when it does i will be new and breathing
and ready for the adventure the universe has given to me in the
challenging form of life. i will embrace the concept of living and
do so tenaciously, creatively, and compassionatly for i have much to accomplish.
december 28th 2000
life has been
interesting, a strange conglomeration of tragedy and light. i have
grown and changed in so many ways, but at the same time i have wilted
and decayed. it makes for some interesting head noise. i have lost
my beautiful garden nymph. i read a book recently that started with
the line, "why is the measure of love always loss?" how tragically
true. i am mostly lost and detatched from anything not her. she
is a constant presence in my thoughts, in my dreams. i thought i
was supposed to wear her like rose oil. sometimes i feel as if i
will die from the pain. sometimes i wish i could.
december 26th 2000
i am feeling very vulnerable these days. like my skin is translucent
and the whole world can see straight into my soul. not to mention
the scarred and sickly heart desperatly trying to pump some sort
of life back into itself. i spend so much time looking behind and
looking ahead that i forget to think that whatever it is i am looking
for could very well be somewhere along this stretch of the path.
i am so frightened of life. i am scared of being alone, i am scared
of being loved, i am scared of never finding the passion i think
i used to have, i am scared to leave my house, i am scared to talk
to people, of having them look at me with ignorant eyes. i live
most of my moments in a perpetual "deer in the headlights" state.
i feel as if life is dragging me by my hair and i am kicking and
screaming and trying to free myself but i cant. things keep happening
to me and around me and i feel utterly powerless to stop or change
any of it. my life is out of control. on so many different levels.
and i keep waiting for the day the speeding car i am in slams into
a tree. is that how i am meant to spend the rest of my life? always
waiting for the other shoe to drop? for everything to go to shit?
i wish that wasn't all i have ever known
