Saturday, January 13, 2001: Kentwood, LA

It had become a compulsion almost. She'd wake up in the morning, eat her breakfast, take her shower, do her make up and hair, and then she'd look at the email. It wasn't so much about 'checking' her email per se, but about looking at *the* email and hoping, *praying* that the message would have changed.

It never did.

Every day it was the same: 'We didn't make a mistake. We were smart not to start anything. It wasn't the time then, and it still isn't the time now. Yes I've found someone. No, I'm not going to tell you about her. Just know that I'm happy and I'm not going to be back soon. Your letter didn't change that.'

It was surreal almost. It was like a different person was writing to her. It wasn't the Justin she'd known. It wasn't the response she'd been looking for.

The plain fact was that she didn't understand. She didn't understand how he could have wanted to change as much as he did. She wanted to understand.

She picked up her planner and flipped it to the telephone section. Using her index finger she traced down the page until she found the number she was looking for. Picking up the phone off her desk she dialed the number and listened to the shrill ring.

'N SYNC Compound

Lance pushed his glasses up his nose and leaned back in his chair. He sighed loudly as he raised his arms above his head and felt the bones pop. He took his glasses off and ran a hand across his eyes, closing them briefly. He'd just put his glasses back on when his cell phone began to ring. Raising an eyebrow his picked it up and turned it on.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Lance?"

It took Lance a moment to place the female voice. "Brit," he said with slightly strained enthusiasm. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to tell you that you were right," Britney said. She sighed. "I emailed him. And he has found someone."

"I know," Lance said. "He told me you'd emailed him."

"He said we didn't make a mistake. And that we were smart not to start anything."

"You guys were," Lance said. He took his glasses off again and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to alleviate some of the tension. "We all told Justin that."

"He said that he'd found someone, though, Lance. How could he find someone? Isn't he supposed to be on the run?"

Lance frowned at the sadness in Britney's voice. "It happened though, Brit."

The phone line was filled with the crackle of long distance as a silence dragged out.

"Why haven't you been telling the rest of the guys things?" Britney asked suddenly, her tone accusatory.

Lance leaned back in his chair and propped his feet on his desk, carefully avoiding the forms he'd been filling out.

"What?" he asked with a heavy swallow.

"Why?" Britney asked again. "You know things about what he's been up to and you haven't told the rest of the guys. That's why I want to know: why you haven't been telling the rest of the guys things? Why?"

"I can't," Lance said. "I promised Justin."

"Justin would never know," Britney said. "I mean he told me that he'd found someone and I could have told the rest of the guys."

"I just can't," Lance said. "You wouldn't understand."

"You're right," Britney said. Her normally perky voice was filled with a hardness Lance wasn't used to hearing. "I don't understand. How would you feel if Justin had been telling Josh all these things and then Josh had kept them to himself? That's how the rest of the guys are going to feel."

"He hasn't told me that much," Lance said quickly. "No more than he's told you, really."

"So what's the big deal?" Britney asked. "You told me."

"And I shouldn't have," Lance said.

"Why?" Britney asked. "I deserved to know." Her voice had turned sad. "There's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about the situation, is there? Why are you protecting him so much? It almost seems like you don't want him back."

"I do Brit," Lance said. "I want him back so badly I can taste it."

"Then tell the rest of the guys," Britney said. "With all your brains you can surely get some more of a clue of where he is."

Lance sighed. "You don't understand, Britney," he said again. His voice was louder than he'd intended it to be, showing the frustration that had been building inside of him.

"Make me understand Lance," Britney said. Her tone matched Lance's. "Make me understand. I need to understand why you knew information that could have brought him back to us and didn't share it. I need to understand why he's not here with me."

JC stepped out into the hallway of the Compound and looked at the closed doors. Five months ago the hallway had been alive with activity, the doors open, music blasting, laughter echoing. Now the hallway was silent. Or almost silent. JC could hear Lance's voice through the closed door.

JC moved towards the door and was just about to knock when Lance's voice made him stop.

"You don't understand Britney," Lance said. He sounded tired and agitated.

JC stepped closer to the door, intent on listening to Lance's half of the conversation. There was no reason the other man should be talking to Britney. What he heard next made his mouth fall open in shock.

"Because I don't want him back if he doesn't want to be back," Lance said loudly. JC could hear the frustration eminating from his friend's voice. "Because I told him not to come back until he was ready."

JC stared at the door, his eyes narrowing dangerously. Lance had told Justin to not come back? JC stepped away from the door quickly. His fists clenched and unclenched and his jaw muscles made his cheeks bulge.

JC didn't know what to do. He walked back towards his room and then stopped. He moved back toward the living room and stopped again. He walked back towards Lance's room and stopped outside the closed door. He listened closely, but Lance's voice was silent. He could hear movement inside the room and he heard the bed springs creak. He raised his fist to knock on the door, but then moved his hand to the door knob and opened the door without announcement.

"You what?" Britney asked.

"I told him not to come back," Lance said again, more quietly. His voice barely above a whisper. "He didn't want to so I told him not to."

"How could you do that?" Britney asked.

"How could I not?" Lance asked. "He's doing what he needs to do."

"He's ruining you guys," Britney said.

"Maybe he is," Lance said, "but I'd rather he ruin us by not coming back than have us fall apart from having him be unhappy with what we're doing."

Britney was silent for a few moments. "I don't think I can talk to you anymore Lance." The connection went dead in Lance's ear.

Lance stared at the piece of black plastic in disbelief for a few moments, before finally resting the phone on the desk. He stood up and made his way over to the bed, the springs creaking as he sat down. As he lay down, his door opened. He looked up with wide eyes and swallowed when he saw the look on JC's face.

"Hey Josh," Lance said. "You need something?"

JC stopped at the doorway and looked at Lance with disgust. "You told him not to come back?"

"What?" Lance asked. His face went pale. "What are you talking about?"

"You. Told. Him. Not. To. Come. Back." JC repeated, taking a step towards Lance with every word. His eyes were narrowed and they flashed angrily. "I heard you, Lance. I heard you tell Britney."

Lance sat up and stared at JC in disbelief. "You were listening at my door?"

"Don't change the subject," JC said loudly. He moved his hands up towards his head and then back towards his waist. "Just don't."

Lance closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them he saw Chris and Joey at his door.

"What's going on?" Joey asked. "Why are you yelling, Josh?"

JC poked a finger at Lance and stepped away from the blond. "Do you want to tell them or do you want me to?" he hissed.

Lance looked up at JC with large eyes. "You would have done the same thing," he said.

"No," JC said. "I wouldn't have. I care too much for the group to do that."

"Fuck that," Lance said. He stood up and walked up to JC poking him in the chest with his index finger. "The only thing you give a fuck about is your career."

"That's right," JC said. He pushed his hands out, shoving Lance in the chest and moved even closer to the shorter man. "I do give a fuck about our careers. Is that it Lance? Do you want out and you're just using Justin as an excuse? Tell me, Lance. Why did you do it?"

Lance narrowed his eyes, his expression matching JC's. "Because he told me he couldn't come back."

"Care to fill us in?" Chris asked as he stepped into the room. He motioned for Joey to enter and then he shut the door.

JC turned to the other two men. Throwing a thumb over his shoulder he motioned to Lance. "He told Justin to not come back."

"You what?" Joey asked. His eyes flew open and then squinted.

"I told him to not come back," Lance said. He stepped out from behind JC. "Fuck. He didn't want to come back, okay? He called me from the airport and told me he couldn't come back."

"He was at the airport?" Chris asked. He moved towards Lance, his voice rising in pitch and volume as he kept speaking. "He was at the fucking airport?"

Lance nodded. "I heard the flight announcements in the background."

"That was over half the battle," Joey said. "He was coming back and you told him not to."

"Yeah," Lance said. His voice was dead. "I told him we didn't know where he was."

Three sets of eyes focused on Lance.

JC launched himself at Lance, but Chris and Joey were able to catch him before his fists started swinging.

"How could you?" JC spat as he struggled against Chris and Joey. "You prick. He would have been back by now. We would have been on the road again."

"And he would be even more miserable than he was before," Lance said. "And on top of that he would have been pining for his girlfriend and quite frankly that would have been worse. You all know it would have been."

JC stopped struggling as Chris and Joey reflexively let go. "His what?"

"His girlfriend," Lance said. "The thing that's keeping him away. His commitments."

"I'm going to kill him," Chris said as he began pacing the room. "I'm going to fucking kill him. We're ending our careers because he found a fucking girl!"

"Why didn't you tell us?" Joey asked. "How long have you known?"

"I couldn't," Lance said. "You guys don't understand. This was just something I had to do."

"You're right," JC said as he stepped back towards the closed door. "I don't understand."

"It'll be okay," Lance said. "He said he'd be back. I know he will be."

"That's right," JC said, his voice heavily laced with sarcasm. His hand closed spasmodically around the doorknob. "You know because you control the future of the group. You decide what we all should know, when Justin should come back and all that shit. I'm glad to know that *you* know it will all be okay. It makes me feel *so* much better. *So* much better."

With that, JC opened the door, stepped out into the hallway, and slammed the door behind him.

Lance stared at Chris and Joey, trying to see whether they were going to yell at him, too.

Chris maintained his glare before turning on his heel and stalking out of the room.

"When he called," Joey said. "Before he was supposed to come back... That was when you told him this?"

Lance nodded.

"You aren't hiding anything else from us, are you? No location of where he was? No name he's using?"

Lance shook his head. "He was at the Denver airport," he said quietly.

"So he is in that area," Joey said.

"I guess," Lance said. "For what it's worth, I am sorry."

"No you aren't," Joey said. His eyes twinkled just slightly, but his frown outweighed the possible friendly implications. "Once you make up your mind about what's right and wrong, Scoop, you never change your mind. Besides an apology means jack now."

Lance nodded and stared down at his hands. Joey was right. He wasn't sorry. He'd tell Justin that they didn't know where he was again. He'd tell him not to come back again.

Joey turned and left the room quietly.

JC paced the living room, his long strides covering the shag carpet in far fewer steps than it normally took. He felt someone come down the hallway towards the living room.

"Why did he do that?" JC asked. His voice sounded shaky in the morning air.

"You know Lance and his rights and wrongs," Chris said. "No one understands why he decides to do the things he decides to do."

"But to tell Justin we didn't know where he was?" JC ran a hand through his hair. "Where does he get off telling Justin that? We worked so hard to get him to believe we knew where he was and then Lance just goes and ruins it."

Chris nodded. "It was wrong and unfair and..." he trailed off.

"And Lance says I would have done the same thing," JC said. "I no sooner would have done that than..."

"You might have," Chris interrupted.

"No," JC said. "I wouldn't have. How can you even say that?"

"Lance was the one who talked to Justin," Chris said. "Lance was the one who has been in the most frequent contact with him. If either of us had been in that position we might have done the same exact thing."

JC shrugged in a noncommittal way. "He ruined it, Chris. He took all the power we had and gave it to Justin. That wasn't his choice to make."

"But he made it," Chris said. "I'm not defending him. I don't agree with what he did, but we aren't him. We don't know the things that have been going on inside his head."

"We should know," JC said. "The only way we're going to make it through this is to help each other and talk to each other. Lance should have been telling us this stuff. He should have been letting us know what was going on in Justin's life."

Chris stared at JC silently for a few moments."How much of this is hurt because Justin didn't tell *you* this stuff?" he asked.

"None!" JC shouted as he turned away from Chris and then continued the circle back towards him. "Goddammit, Chris. Where did that come from?"

"What if Justin had been telling you all this stuff?" Chris asked. "What if he'd been telling you about this girl, or if he'd called you from the airport to say that he just couldn't come back."

"I would have told him to get his ass back here," JC growled. He began pacing the room again. "How can he expect us to keep going without him?"

"Because we don't have a choice," Joey said as he came into the room.

"Do we really want to do this?" JC asked. "At the beginning, in November when this first happened, we were so adamant about not going back out on the road. What changed?"

Joey and Chris looked at one another and then back at JC.

"I don't know," Chris said.

"Why do we keep putting ourselves through this?" JC asked. He turned towards the window of the living room. He could see Joey and Chris's reflection in the transparent glass. "First there's the hope, and then the disappointment, and then more hope, and then the realization that Justin's not going to come back until he damn well feels like it and for all we know that could be after he's been married for five years and has three kids."

"He said he'd be back," Joey said. His voice was tinged with doubt though. The phrase had been repeated so often in the two months it had lost its impact.

"Why are we still doing this guys?" JC asked. He turned back towards the two other men. "Why are we releasing a video telling Justin how much we want him back and why are we going on a tour dedicated to him when we know it's not going to make any difference."

"How do we know it's not going to make any difference?" Joey asked. "How do we know he's not sitting in whatever goddamn place he's in, squirming because he wants to be back here?"

"It's not making any difference," JC said. "If he wanted to be here he would be here. I know Justin."

"Do you?" a deep voice came from the hallway. "How can you say you know him anymore when you can't see why he had to do this?"

"You haven't been giving me the opportunity to know him," JC said. His blue eyes flashed at Lance. "I don't want to talk to you Lance."

"Funny," Lance said with a small humorless chuckle. "You and Britney agree on something JC. She hung up on me."

JC turned away from Lance.

"Oh, that's mature," Lance said. He walked into the living room. "Turn away from me. Pretend I'm not here. That's going to solve all our problems."

"If you weren't here, Justin would be," JC said to the reflection he saw of Lance in the window.

"That's not fair," Lance said. His voice suddenly sounded small and weak. He sat down in the chair nearest to him.

"Oh, I think it is," JC said. He turned back to Lance. "Take responsibility for your actions, why don't you? You *told* him not to come back, Lance. If you weren't here, you wouldn't have told him that, and he would be here."

"Stop!" Joey said as he stepped into the space between Lance and JC. "Guys, stop it. We have more than enough problems without fighting amongst ourselves."

"You yell at me for yelling at him," JC began, staring at Joey indignantly, "and you don't yell at him for tearing the group apart?"

"What he did is in the past," Joey said. He took a step towards JC and raised his arms in a comforting gesture. "What I'm doing is trying to save what's left of the group."

"What group?" JC asked with a noise halfway between chuckle and sob. He walked past Joey and sat down on the couch. "What is this group anymore besides four guys who can barely stay in the same room with one another?"

"We're 'N SYNC," Lance said.

JC shook his head. "No we aren't."

"Do you really believe that?" Chris asked. He sat down next JC on the couch.

JC nodded and leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. "I do."

"I don't," Lance said.

"Because you know stuff the rest of us don't," JC spat.

"Josh," Joey said, quickly interrupting his friend. "Don't. I don't believe it either."

"Have we been in the same group recently?" JC asked raising an eyebrow. "It wasn't Justin hopping off the bus in the middle of fucking nowhere. It was what's happened since then. When was the last time we went out and had fun? When was the last time any of us really talked?"

The three other men stared at the ground and didn't answer.

"Exactly," JC said. He stood up and walked back to the window. "What good are we going to be when Justin comes back?"

"Are you saying you don't want to do this anymore, Josh?" Lance quietly. They all knew that by 'this' Lance meant 'N SYNC.

"I don't know what I'm saying," JC said. He turned back to Lance. "What were you thinking, Lance? What the hell was going on in your brain?"

"Josh," Joey said in a warning tone.

"You guys wouldn't understand," Lance repeated.

"Make us understand," Joey said. "Josh's right. We haven't talked in forever. We all used to know everything that went on in each other's lives. I don't have a clue what any of you are feeling now."

Lance moved his fingers together in an arch and the sound of bones popping was loud in the room.

"What would make you understand?" he asked quietly.

"Tell us what's been going through your brain," Joey said. He put a hand on Lance's shoulder and squeezed gently.

Lance chuckled slightly. "My brain. Huh. It's not a very fun place to be."

"Like any of ours are," Chris said from his place on the couch.

"Well, let's start with guilt," Lance said. "That's been the most prominent emotion recently. Guilt for telling Britney that Justin had found someone, guilt for not telling you guys that I'd been talking to Justin more than I'd let on."

JC turned around from his place at the window and studied the blond man.

"What else?" Joey asked.

"Do you know why I told him we didn't know where he was?" Lance asked. He didn't wait for the obvious answer. "I understand him. I understand why he ran away. I don't think any of you could."

"Why do you understand him so much better than anyone else?" JC asked. His voice was filled with spite.

"Think about it," Lance said. "I was sixteen when I joined the group. Justin was fourteen. Out of all of us, I was the one who missed out on the most school stuff. I didn't do the sporting events, or the dances, the school plays... I didn't do any of that."

"Neither did I," JC said. "I was in the MMC. With Justin."

"But that's where you spent your teenage years," Lance said. "No offense to the Mickey Mouse Club, but you guys were hardly the mobbed celebrities. You got to have friends your own age. You could leave your house without a bodyguard."

"Yeah," JC said, but he sounded unconvinced.

"Then there's Justin," Lance said. "Since he entered his teenage years he's been with four people who were older than him, in some cases a decade older than him."

"Hey," Chris said. He sat forward, but the look on his face was slightly playful.

"Justin never did high school— the time that's supposed to shape who you are for the rest of your life. Instead he spent the time in day long dance practices, on the stage in front of millions of fans, he spent the time in fear of being physically harmed if he left the sight of his bodyguard. Every girl he's ever kissed has ended up on the front of the tabloids."

Lance looked at his friends. "How would you feel?"

"He knew what he was getting into," JC said.

"How could he have?" Lance asked. "How could he know that we'd be bigger than New Kids? And Josh, come on, he was fourteen!"

"And Lynn's not exactly the least *demanding* parent," Joey said.

"We all got to be kids," Lance said. "Justin never had that. Lynn never would have allowed it."

Slowly JC nodded. "You still could have made him come back."

"No," Lance said. "I couldn't. You will probably forever disagree with me over this, but I did what I had to do."

"Explain it," Chris said.

"Justin's having a normal life right now," Lance said. "We all had the opportunity. Shouldn't he have same one?"

The room was silent as everyone waited for JC to say something. He didn't.

"Josh?" Chris asked. "Do you really think 'N SYNC is over?"

JC shrugged. "Do we want it to be over?"

"Hell, no," Joey said and was quickly echoed by Chris and Lance.

"What do we have to do to get us back on track?" JC asked.

"Full honesty," Joey said quickly. "We all need to know what's happening with any of us at all times. It could be something that Justin said, or that we're feeling. We need to know these things."

Three heads turned towards Lance and the blond nodded. "No more secrets."

"We need to go out," Chris said. "Rebuild that life outside of 'N SYNC."

"We need to remember why we do this," JC said. "It's slipping, guys. It's not fun anymore."

"We're going to make it fun," Joey said. "There's a reason we've been so happy together for so long. We're going to bring that back."

"Listen, guys," Lance said. "I'm not going to say I regret telling Justin we didn't know where he was, because I don't, but can you just tell me we will get past this?"

Two heads swiveled from Lance to JC.

"We'll have to see," JC said. He stood up and walked towards the hallway. He stopped and looked at his watch. "We're meeting in the practice room in 15 minutes."

Saturday, January 13, 2001 (Evening)

Lance collapsed on the chair in front of his desk. He leaned down to the floor and picked up his computer, flipping it open as he placed it on the desk. Turning it on he fought down the guilt that swept through him. When the new message window was finally on the screen in front of him he placed his fingers on the keyboard.
 

Dear Justin,

I'm sorry bro, for everything. Today I told the guys that I told you we didn't know where you were. To say they were pleased would be an outright lie. This is the first time I've ever thought the group might not survive this. And the funny thing is it's not you that's driving us apart, it's not your actions. It's mine.

I'm not going to tell you to come back, because if I were to ask you to do that it would be undoing all the decisions I've made since November, but I'm going to warn you that when you do decide to come back there might not be a group to come back to.

This is your life bro and I have no right to interfere anymore, so this'll be the last you hear from me.

Goodbye Justin.

Lance