The Telescopes Interviewed by 'Sleep' Fanzine, 1990

(this is possibly the worst interview I've ever read- and I thought that I was terrible... take note that I'm not typesetting it in the same way- believe me, it would be impossible to copy, this is cut and paste at it's most literal...)

They've made a new record!
They're not so bad live after all!
In fact, they're dead good, well grooveeee, etc!

Anyway, ignore this Smash Hits-crap-style-journalism and pull up a nice, soft cushion for a game of word association with the Telescopes...

Stephen Lawrie: "Help! What are you on? Quick, someone translate..."
Us: Look, it's simple- we say a word then you waffle on with whatever comes into your head- for instance "The Vegetable Patch"
Stephen: "Turnips"

So much for a dodgy fanzine of the same name published by the man himself and included a made up Telescopes interview. By the way, the Telescopes hail from Burton-on-Trent, although Stephen the vocalist is from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, fact fiends. Other group members are Joanne, David, Doran (personally, I'm inclined to ask what these people are on, meself- ed), Robert and Dominic. Tonight, Leeds Colleseum Sept 10th- Richard Formby plays keyboards.

Us: Claustrophobia
Stephen: "Tape players right up in your face like this."
Us: Suicide

Somebody mentions Sonic Boom while Richard peers into Sleep's notebook to see what the next word is...

Us: Mushroom
Stephen: "Most hallucinogenic... Jo's head looks like one, it's true!"
Us: Flares
Stephen: "Look alright on people who suit flares, I suppose..."

Slight break in the word game:

Us: Did you play Reading? What was it like?
Stephen: "It was crazy."
Us: What were the backstage toilets like?!
Stephen: "Next word, please."

Us: Catholicism
Stephen: "A religion isn't it?... Jo's a Catholic."
Us: Creation
Stephen: "Our record label."
Us: Do they give you as much freedom and time as My Bloody Valentine?
Stephen: "You're joking- Creation love the Valentines- "

In between this we find out that The Telescopes' new single "Everso" is groovy, remixes are out of the question and the Marquis De Sade is one cool guy. We recommend novelist Angela Carter and also throw in how much we hate Angela Lansbury......

Stephen: "What the Hell can I say about vinegar?"

At this very moment a prodigal Telescope returns from the A33 where he broke down, to get fined with questions of no interest whatsoever...

Us: Can we have your Primal Scream t-shirt? Do you think that Rebecca's brother looks like the drummer with Sonic Youth?

We pounce on Joanne, the pale, wasted looking guitarist:

Us: Reincarnation
Jo: "Don't believe in it."
Us: Dung Beetle
Jo: "Pass"
Us: Coffee
Jo: "Seeds."
Us: Hippy
Jo: "Commune"
Us: Green Underwear
Jo: "Pass. Do I have to say another word, then do I, is that how I do it (??!)"
Us: Yeah- Fish
Jo: "Fingers."
Us: Carrot Cake
Jo: "Yummy"
Us: Tunic
Jo: "A dress"
Us: Shepherd
Jo: "Pie"
Us:Velvet
Jo: "Skirt"
Us: Vera
Jo: "Lynn"
Us: Fluff
Jo: "Belly button"
Us: Windy Miller
Jo: "Trumpton"
Us: Brian Cant
Jo: "Play Away"

Us: Crap live at the Irish Centre in Leeds on Wednesday 27th June
Jo: "Don't know what you mean!"

Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!

As our precious sheets of questions get torn into confetti, the Telescopes seek their revenge and sabotage out interview, and start with their own manic, crazy word game.

Them: Twat!
Someone else: Pob!
Us: Gillespie!! Gorgeous...
Joanne: "Is he?"
Stephen: "No! What a lad!?"

Further mayhem breaks out. Future venues are recommended by the makers of Sleep which include Swansea City's legendary "Dirty Dora's" nightspot and as The Telescopes finally kick us out of the dressing room we find that Marmite also comes from Burton-on-Trent and that Joanne was once involved in a fanzine that had interviews consisting of her saying nothing and her friend apologising.....

PS: That very same morning, Creation Big Man Alan McGee listened to the mix of their new single... apparently it's fucking amazing... and it's out in November.

Read a review of this gig by this fanzine here