Big Bird vs. Barney
vs. 
This is probably the most unlikely match on the card.
After all, these are the two most lovable critters our tax money can buy.
But even Big Bird gets tired of that stupid "I love you" song and after
Mr. Snuffalupagus bought that singing Barney doll, Bird just snaps!
He calls Barney on his "Press My Buttons Elmo" cell phone and tells him
to get his sorry purple butt over here. Barney, always looking for
a publicity appearance, accepts.
Bets at Oscar's booking agency are running even.
Barney should have been the favorite. After all, he's a predator.
But he just doesn't have the edge that Big Bird has.
Barney shows up in his taxpayer funded limosuine
and steps out to his legions of adoring toddlers. Bird steps out
of his house and into the street. Barney finishes singing "Old Susannah"
to the kids, making all the adults puke, and skips over to meet Big Bird.
He attempts to hug Big Bird, but referee Cookie Monster penalizes him for
grappling.
Barney backs off and addresses the audience.
"Hello. You're all my friends!"
Oscar bounces a tin can off his head.
"We shouldn't be fighting!" Barney says with a chuckle.
"It would be much more fun if we were friends!" At this juncture
he decides that the best way to make friends is to sing his trademark song.
"I love you. You love me. We're a happy-----"
Barney's voice stops as he disappears under the
mob of angry Sesame Street residents. An hour later, Barney's lifeless
and mutilated corpse is hung from the light pole in front of the Fix-it
Shop.
Winner: Big Bird
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