Kirk vs. Picard
vs. 
Our first match pits the original Enterprise captain
against his succesor. Despite the success of Star Trek: Generations,
there's a lot of bad blood here. It seems Shatner thought he was
going to get to play Kirk for the rest of his life. When asked to
comment on this, Stewart was quoted as saying "He's a geriatric old bugger.
He's past it."
After having it explained to him that he isn't REALLY
an Admiral in Star Fleet and therefore cannot court martial Picard, Shatner
challenges him to a wrestling match. After much whining about peace
and the Prime Directive, Stewart dons his lucky Spock ears and climbs in
the ring to do battle...
The bell rings. Picard refuses to leave his
corner until he can finish expressing his true feelings for Data in an
hour long Shakespearean monologue. Kirk stands in his corner saying:
"I.... Can.... Take him... Spock! I'll.... rip.... his... stupid...
guts out!
Picard finally finishes his poem to Data called
"Shall I Compare Thee to a Microwave?" and enters the center of the ring.
Kirk swings at Picard and connects with Picard's Spock ears. He knocks
one off. Picard cries and attempts to retrieve his ear.
Kirk, seeing his opportunty, moves in for the kill. As he bends over
to pull off Picard's other ear, the light reflecting off Picard's head
blinds Kirk. Kirk staggers around the ring moaning: "Blind!
I'm... blind.... Spock.... help me.... Spock! Kirk runs into
the turnbuckle and knocks off his hair piece. Faced with the embarassment
of public baldness, Kirk dies of shame. Picard finds his Spock ears
and checks into a motel room with Data.
Winner: Picard
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